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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Saving for children in step family

52 replies

Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 16:20

I have been with my dp for 4 years and looking to get married next year. We are 40 and 42. Our children from our first marriages are between 6-10, we have 2 each. My family are very well off and I own a share in a successful business although do not work much and have a low income. I do however own my house outright and have other houses rented out. My plan with my dc would be for me to give them a large deposit to buy their own home when they reach 21 and pay for their universities.
So once married my dp is happy to share his large salaried income with me but doesn’t have the same amount of property, about 1/10th of what I have in equity. Should I plan for doing the same for his children as I plan for mine seeing as he is willing to “share” his wages with me? Not that I need it, I’m very comfortable financially without the extra wages. He currently lives in my house with his dc who I think the world of. I am in 2 minds because I don’t want them to feel excluded anyway but his exw is fairly well off so they may get lots of her anyway, whereas mine won’t get anything of their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 21:49

@EnoughnowIthink, trust me, it is a very hard decision. Have you been divorced? Or met someone else? I do struggle with wanting to be married and share everything again as a team vs this is mine. Some times I wish we didn’t have any of it because then I wouldn’t feel as if I’m putting money before being in a fully committed relationship like I had when I first got married, nothing else mattered

OP posts:
EnoughnowIthink · 09/03/2021 22:43

Yes, divorced. I left my divorce with half a house. I have worked very hard to get where I am and also have family money following several bereavements. I am vocal about my position fairly early on in relationship because I am not changing it for anyone. Happy to build a future with someone but there is a need to balance that by securing what I have for my children. Got rid of a couple of potential cocklodgers!

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 10/03/2021 06:57

@EnoughnowIthink you sound very similar to myself, I left my exh with almost everything although it’s all gone on his many girlfriends, luxury holidays and basically a lifestyle he couldn’t afford. Since then Iv managed to rebuild my life carefully but also with some family money.

My dp is a lovey person and I want to be able to build a future with him. How would you commit fully and rebuild a further with someone? Just the same but without being married? I think that’s the safest option really. The problem with that is it will always feel that’s mine and that’s yours. To raise money, I will be remortgaging one of my houses and not saying to him shall we remortgage xxx? Plus because of him being a higher rate tax payer any buy to let properties will stay in my name and also the the plan was to take money from any projects in my name to use the lower tax band over different tax years. Without being married, he’s basically trusting me with all his income without anything in his name. I can see why he would want to get married.

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 10/03/2021 11:12

Absolutely do not get married, you have far, far too much to lose.

I have about 600k of property and cash assets and will never marry DP and risk children's money, even though he has about half that.

Marriage is only useful to women if they are SAHMs with no assets

YoniAndGuy · 10/03/2021 12:12

DON'T GET MARRIED.

Honestly, that is the only way here to not risk your kids' security - and your own.

Why do you need to marry?

The pitfalls here are massive and the far, far easiest option would be to cohabit, 50-50 on everything, you look after your kids, he looks after his.

willibald · 10/03/2021 12:14

@EnoughnowIthink

I own outright and have significant investments. No way will I ever marry again without legal advice and a ring fencing of my assets for my children. No ring fencing, no marriage.
This.

Put yourself and your kids first.

I wouldn't marry in your position, much less all the rest.

renallychallenged · 10/03/2021 12:32

Don't get married.

There's no need in your position. Nothing to gain, lots of complexities will occur and your children will lose out.

Your children will lose out if you marry again.

Don't do it.

Live together, fine. Not marry.

renallychallenged · 10/03/2021 12:35

Life isn't a fairy tale anymore the second time around. It's just not. Protect your hard earned money, independence and children. Don't get married.

Bibidy · 10/03/2021 13:47

[quote Canbeatteaandtoast]@HeddaGarbled I agree we just need to wait. I’m not sure about consulting with my dsc mother though because we don’t actually get on with regards to money. I mentioned twice about setting up some joint investments for all of the children to be told to basically mind my own business and that she don’t want me involved. However that leaves my dp in an awkward position between two stubborn women, her saying she didn’t want me to have a say and me saying fine, it’s not my children who will loose out. (Not that it should matter but she doesn’t actually know how wealthy I am, she only knows that I work part time)[/quote]
Omg, do NOT consult with their mother over your money.

I personally wouldn't expect you to hand the same money over to your SCs as to your own children, especially if it is all coming from you. Your DP should support his own children in that way if he can, if not then they will still be fine. If you are feeling generous nearer the time, you can always give them a little something each. But don't commit to anything now - you don't know how this relationship will go, it's very hard to get a marriage through the teenage years of stepchildren!

I would only agree to this marriage if we both agreed that our own money is our own. If you don't need to share his salary to get by then I'd also be a bit suspicious that he is only offering that up so that he gets to 'share' your properties in return.

SandyY2K · 12/03/2021 02:24

The more I think about finances though, the more I’m against getting married.

I agree with you.

Your kids are still very young...your DP could get jealous or resentful that your kids will be better off.

You're much wealthier than him and second marriages have a higher divorce rate too. You have a lot lose if it goes wrong. Just live together.

7yo7yo · 13/03/2021 07:29

Why would you marry him and compromise your kids security? The DSC aren’t yours! Let their parents sort out their futures but don’t risk losing what you’ve worked so hard to gain!

maggiecate · 14/03/2021 17:20

I’m pretty sure his ex won’t be making provision for your kids, so why on earth are you considering making provision for hers? They have two parents and their own extended family already who the could inherit from.
Your financial responsibility is to your childre, no one else’s. you would be an absolute sitting duck if you got married. What if you predeceased your new husband? He could leave everything to his kids and nothing to yours! Get proper financial advice, make sure your will is up to date and watertight.

RosemarysCat · 14/03/2021 17:53

God, don't marry him!

purplebiscuits · 14/03/2021 22:20

Marrying him puts your own children's future at risk.

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 15/03/2021 22:50

Thanks for everyone’s replies. Ok i get I need to not get married. So that can be another topic I need to raise with my dp. I’m sure he will be fine and can quite easily make a nice excuse up.

What makes me think is, if it was on the other foot and he had much more money than I. what should the outcome be? For instance, my dp moves in with me and my dc and becomes a step dad. He has two dc from a previous relation the same age and we basically live as a family of 6.
Would it be acceptable that his children were given the money for a house deposit or universities from their mum and dad and mine not have the same or anywhere near?

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 16/03/2021 08:38

Would it be acceptable that his children were given the money for a house deposit or universities from their mum and dad and mine not have the same or anywhere near?
Yes. They are not your children’s parents, so what they give their children in savings etc is irrelevant to your children.

My DD and DS do not have the same father and I know my ExH and his family have opened a savings account for DS which they contribute to regularly and generously.
My DD only has savings that I’ve been able to scramble together, it’s likely she has considerably less in her account than her younger brother.
It is what it is.

My DD will have around £12k by the time she starts uni. DS I think at aged 6 has more than that already.

And my SCs have zero savings because neither parent has chosen to save for them.

Sceptre86 · 18/03/2021 10:24

Don't marry him. Keep things as they are. His ex thinks you should but out of financial provisions for their children and I am inclined to agree with her. Your priority should be your own children.

MishaHarrow · 18/03/2021 10:35

A real marriage means sharing and unconditional love. Not my share, his share, etc....

Me and my partner give each other money as we need it for various things. I even put half my house in my partners name after we got married.

Yes, on occasion it can be annoying that I have out 10x financially into 'us', but in a real marriage you should be willing to do that.

MishaHarrow · 18/03/2021 10:39

All you people saying not to marry because of your or OPs wealth says more about you and your marriages imo.

Theres always going to be one partner wealthier than the other. In marriage, each partner should support the other no natter how rich or poor they are now, or ever become. Thats the idea of marriage!

It seems to me a lot of people these days don't understand what marriage is about....

Bibidy · 18/03/2021 11:02

@MishaHarrow

All you people saying not to marry because of your or OPs wealth says more about you and your marriages imo.

Theres always going to be one partner wealthier than the other. In marriage, each partner should support the other no natter how rich or poor they are now, or ever become. Thats the idea of marriage!

It seems to me a lot of people these days don't understand what marriage is about....

@MishaHarrow Are there any stepchildren in your situation?

I too am happy to share with my partner and there would be no question about it if he didn't already have children. It's not about who's wealthier, it's about the fact that his children have 2 parents and I am not one of them.

OP has her own children to worry about. She and their father are responsible for them, just as her DP and his ex are responsible for her SCs.

Personally, I have 2 SCs and I would not want to be in a situation where (god forbid) something happened to my DP and I ended up losing my home/savings because I have joined them with his and so his children can take 'his share'.

You have to be very cautious in this situation, especially if the children are minors.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/03/2021 12:01

@MishaHarrow I agree with what you’re saying if this is a first marriage with no children from previous relationships involved.
In blended families many things can happen that mean your own biological children lose out.

A close family friend is a solicitor and dealt with a case a few years ago where the married couple were each on their 2nd marriage and both brought a with them into the marriage. They had mirror wills and had full intentions of sharing everything they had with each other, their biological children and stepchildren.

But then there was a car accident.
Mum (stepmum) died first which meant in legal terms her husband (dad/stepdad to her kids) inherited everything.

He lived for 3 days then he died, meaning all of their marital assets passed to his own biological child.

His biological child survived 4 months then succumbed to her injuries.

Do you know who inherited everything? It wasn’t the biological children of the wife... it all went to a he husband’s ex wife as she was the next it kin to his child.

The wife’s biological child lost her mum and got not a single penny due to the order in which everyone died. Her stepsister’s mother got everything.

When they made mirror wills they did it with complete love and trusted the surviving spouse to fairly divide up the assets. They hadn’t foreseen a situation where both of the couple and one of the children would die meaning a total outsider to their family unit would inherit.

It’s not always simple.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/03/2021 12:02

Each brought a child with them into the marriage*
Is what I meant to say at the start of that last post

MishaHarrow · 18/03/2021 12:27

@Bibidy

No, there are not. I guess it does complicate the situation somewhat. Tbh, perhaps in such situations marriage isnt appropriate for either party.

But having said that, if re marrying, wouldnt you want to marry someone who treated your kids as their own, and vice versa?

Pbur · 18/03/2021 13:21

Seek financial advice and see how you can potentially marry but protect your assets for your children’s inheritance/house deposit. If you’re still married and everything is happy by the time his children need house deposits, you will still be in a position to gift them money for that at that stage. Don’t need to blend your finances now because in the future you want the house deposits for all children to be fair - they can still be fair but the power to decide will be in your hands when the time comes.

freeingNora · 18/03/2021 14:00

I think you're being a bit naive about how vulnerable you'll be making yourself by getting married. Your dp may have a good income but he's financially immature not to have saved. By marrying him you give him half of everything you have irrespective of your situation going into a marriage