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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Saving for children in step family

52 replies

Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 16:20

I have been with my dp for 4 years and looking to get married next year. We are 40 and 42. Our children from our first marriages are between 6-10, we have 2 each. My family are very well off and I own a share in a successful business although do not work much and have a low income. I do however own my house outright and have other houses rented out. My plan with my dc would be for me to give them a large deposit to buy their own home when they reach 21 and pay for their universities.
So once married my dp is happy to share his large salaried income with me but doesn’t have the same amount of property, about 1/10th of what I have in equity. Should I plan for doing the same for his children as I plan for mine seeing as he is willing to “share” his wages with me? Not that I need it, I’m very comfortable financially without the extra wages. He currently lives in my house with his dc who I think the world of. I am in 2 minds because I don’t want them to feel excluded anyway but his exw is fairly well off so they may get lots of her anyway, whereas mine won’t get anything of their dad.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 09/03/2021 16:21

The fair thing is to suggest he puts some of his large salary towards saving for his kids

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 16:52

@HermioneWeasley he would have to put a massive part of his salary into saving for his children to be able to give them anywhere near what I’m giving mine and that would mean he would be living in my mortgage free house with not much contribution. Plus once married, my assets become joint and so I’m a bit reluctant to share them if he can’t contribute that much to the household.

I do love him and want to spend my life with him. The more I think about finances though, the more I’m against getting married. If it was just me and him then there would be no hesitation but it’s not and I’m just trying to avoid the arguments. Even without getting married, he is a bit resentful he earns more and that I get to be the one with all the property and a business

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 09/03/2021 16:54

I think you need to pay for financial advice before you get married.

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 16:56

Make financial provisions for your own dc.. Dp needs to do the same...

KatherineSiena · 09/03/2021 17:02

If he’s resentful of your financial situation I’d be very reluctant to get married. There doesn’t seem to be any real imperative for you to do so. You should both take care of the future financial needs of your own children.

HermioneWeasley · 09/03/2021 17:03

I definitely wouldn’t get married in your financial position.

littlefireseverywhere · 09/03/2021 17:05

Look after you & your Dc.

merryhouse · 09/03/2021 17:05

Can you put any of the property in trust for your children?

MostlyHappyMummy · 09/03/2021 17:06

Why do you want to marry? Can you not continue as you are?

TeapotCollection · 09/03/2021 17:08

I absolutely wouldn’t be getting married if I were you, far too much to lose

HeddaGarbled · 09/03/2021 17:11

I would wait until the children are of an age to need support through university and/or deposits for houses. It’s a long way away and a lot could have changed by then. If you are still a happy family and still in a good financial position, you can, as a blended family (including your step-children’s mother) ensure that the children are treated fairly.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 17:16

Why are you living odd his wages once you're married? Why aren't you going 50/50 on bills etc? Surely that's the fair thing. And then he can save whatever he wants to for his kids. If he's got a v large salary and you're mortgage free, he's only paying half the power, insurance etc so don't see how he can't afford to save or even get a BTL which he can use as an investment for his kids?

2021Vision · 09/03/2021 17:18

Sorry OP but I really don't understand why you are getting married. There have been a number of threads about step children and sharing and tbh I dont' understand them either. To me, you each have your own assets (or not) and that is what you have to give to your children.

Sounds like you've got a good business brain so I am sure you have thought through all the implications of marriage and inheritance but why would you give the assets you've worked hard for to someone elses children!

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 17:23

@HeddaGarbled I agree we just need to wait. I’m not sure about consulting with my dsc mother though because we don’t actually get on with regards to money. I mentioned twice about setting up some joint investments for all of the children to be told to basically mind my own business and that she don’t want me involved. However that leaves my dp in an awkward position between two stubborn women, her saying she didn’t want me to have a say and me saying fine, it’s not my children who will loose out. (Not that it should matter but she doesn’t actually know how wealthy I am, she only knows that I work part time)

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 09/03/2021 17:25

I think you are either a fully blended family where all children are treated the same... or you have separate finances.

I think your situation is slightly trickier than most with your assets being in property/business and this would probably mean splitting the bills and charging your partner some form of rent. He is then free to spend the rest of his salary on whatever he wants (including putting money away for his children) and your children keep their inheritance.

I think blending is usually best for the children (no worries over one set of children getting better xmas presents or more financial help etc which can breed resent) but both are valid options.

Personally I feel that their other parents wealth or lack thereof is irrelevant as they aren't part of the blended family, but obviously not everyone feels the same way.

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 17:34

@SleepingStandingUp the plan was to put all income together in one pot. I then can manage the finances and invest in property and building and business to increase the joint wealth as he wants to retire early but can’t afford to as hasn’t made any provisions previously.
For him a BTL wouldn’t work because of the extra tax implications on higher rate tax payers.
So not really living off his wages, just using them a different way. I am semi retired anyway because of the property income I get and he wants the same. I’m happy to share profits from my next project if he’s happy to invest and as he doesn’t have capital, it needs to come from his wages. He then will have to make the choice to either put towards his retirement pot or towards his children I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 17:38

@Milkshake7489 yes I agree it should be irrelevant what the other parent does. However it would mean my dsc would end up with more yet my dc come from an overall wealthier family and that makes me feel that’s a bit unfair somewhere

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 09/03/2021 17:46

If your dscs have two affluent parents and they are still small, then the parents have a decade to save up to provide for their children. If they can put £1k a month aside between them, that's £65,000 plus interest for each of their two children.

Will your children's father contribute to their university fees or will it be all down to you?

I'd be more concerned about a partner who already resents your money despite earning a good salary himself. He sounds petty and mercenary which doesn't make for a happy future.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 17:50

So he's earning big money but has no assets, and no real savings?

Milkshake7489 · 09/03/2021 17:51

@Canbeatteaandtoast

I can see why you'd feel that way and it's one of the reasons why blending families can be tough.

Will you be putting equal amounts into the pot to create the joint wealth you've mentioned? If so it could be fair to say that everything made from the combined investments is to be shared equally whilst keeping your existing wealth for your children alone.

If your not putting in an equal amount of money, i think you both need to keep separate finances. Otherwise your children benefit directly from his high salary whilst his children don't benefit from your existing wealth.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 17:51

And is resentful that you aren't the same?

Are you sure it will work forever op? How long til he can semi retire?

Original poster
Canbeatteaandtoast · 09/03/2021 18:30

@Milkshake7489 yes I’m hoping to match what’s in the pot. So although he earns more than me, I will match another way but not monthly but when a property mortgage is due for renewal. Although I over pay all mortgages so I could lower these pay more monthly to be nearer his income.
But it would also be me who would be working on any projects, as much as I’m semi retired now, a new project brings lots of work so I terms of time I will be inputting a lot more. Again something we will need to decide what is fair.

@SleepingStandingUp yes he earns a lot but has also spent a lot. Neither him nor his exw really agreed with finances and my guess is that she kept it aside as seems much better off now after their divorce

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 09/03/2021 19:46

@Canbeatteaandtoast

That makes things much easier then Smile. Just make sure you keep records of what you each put in if you are paying ad hoc whilst he pays monthly. That way you can be sure that neither party ends up paying the lions share (and don't forget to agree a reduction in your contributions to compensate for the additional effort you are putting into managing the project).

EnoughnowIthink · 09/03/2021 20:19

I own outright and have significant investments. No way will I ever marry again without legal advice and a ring fencing of my assets for my children. No ring fencing, no marriage.

FuckingFabulous · 09/03/2021 20:59

First things first- I'd be protecting my own assets! Absolutely nailing down that they're mine and if we divorce, he doesn't get to leave with half my stuff that he's paid sod all to gain.

You see to your kids. He to his.