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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bedrooms!!

29 replies

badgerread · 09/03/2021 14:21

I’ve written about this before but can’t find the post. DPand I of 8.5 years have decided to buy together. The house we’ve found has 4 bedrooms all being of a decent size (think 13x13ft). My DS (16 & 11) live with me full time as their DF died 18 months ago. DS16 is at boarding school coming home every Sunday for the day and every third weekend Fri to Sun plus all the holidays. DS11 is at the local state school therefore home every day.

DP has 50% care of DS17 (18 in September) and DS15 (16 in August). DS17 will be driving in a month or so and DS15 is going to a boarding 6th form in September 2.5hrs away (his choice, specialist sports college). They spend the other 50% with DM who lives 45 minutes away and is where they grew up and went to school.

We were planning on either splitting one of the bedrooms with a stud wall making two bedrooms of 13 x 6.5ft OR two of the boys share, leaving three doubles and two singles (or have two sharing). I feel that we and my DS should get the doubles with DP’s DS getting the singles as they are not there as much. One going to boarding school 2.5hrs away in September and the other being 18 in September so won’t be a strict 50% as he’ll want to hang out with his mates where his Mum lives and where he went to school/goes to college. They have two homes and therefore a choice as to where they spend time. Mine don’t have that choice and only have one home. DP thinks they should have equal bedrooms as they do at their DM’s.

He is kicking off massively and I am standing my ground. Why should mine either share or have the smaller rooms when his aren’t around as much??

I have spoken to my children about what they think and they'd like their own rooms as the others aren't around as much. He won't speak to his about what they think as he doesn't agree with me so won't support the idea?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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AIMD · 09/03/2021 14:28

Could you split two of the doubles so all 4 boys have single rooms so that they can have one each. Then have the third double room as a hang out/gaming room?

Original poster

badgerread · 09/03/2021 14:30

aimd that's what he said 😀 but it would cause disruption (and expense) with new windows, doors and walls?

OP posts:

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 14:33

Ah the old I Want To Pretend My Dc Live Here chestnut...
Full time dc get the decent bedroom. And I sat that as a dm who's very pt ds slept on a sofa bed on our large top landing!! And another bunked in with much younger siblings until a proper bedroom became available.. If he isn't willing to negotiate at the first hurdle op it don't bode well..

hullabaloo19 · 09/03/2021 14:35

@AIMD good suggestion 👍

Op, I do understand your viewpoint and am not convinced you're 'wrong', but obviously your partner isn't happy with this so I feel like trying to compromise might be best. Could you maybe have it for now that the 2 that are going to boarding school share the split room and the other 2 have their own rooms. Then when they are no longer boarding, it might be more suitable that your son (16 going to boarding school) has one of the bigger rooms to himself as he would be living there full time. Or give you some time to add an extension for another bedroom so no one would have to share (if that's a possibility). Alternatively, could you sit down with partners children and discuss their views (as you have done with your own children)?

Original poster

badgerread · 09/03/2021 14:40

Exactly easter!

Thank you for your response hulla but I feel the house is plenty big enough without having to add an extension for another bedroom? (we're already doing a ground floor one). I think, as you also say, he needs to sit down with his and see what they think?

OP posts:

hullabaloo19 · 09/03/2021 14:42

Sorry just seen that your partner refuses to talk to his kids. Not really sure what to say about that as it seems he's refusing to discuss the various possibilities :-/

I definitely don't think BOTH of your children should have the smaller rooms/share. How often are your stepchildren actually there? If you were to compare how often the 17 year old is there with how often your 16 year old will be there when at boarding school would there still be a significant difference in amount of time spent at yours?

hullabaloo19 · 09/03/2021 14:43

Also quite possible that by the time your 16 year old/his child that's going to boarding school finish boarding, it may be that the 17 year old has his own place or something and wouldn't need a bedroom anymore.

Milkshake7489 · 09/03/2021 14:51

I think your DS who is there full time should get a double, but surely your DS who is at boarding school shouldn't get priority over your stepson who is there 50% of the time? Turning 18 doesn't necessarily mean he'll choose to stay with his mum more (and even one night a week is more overnights than your son).

If you and DP are buying together you need to treat all four boys equally. The fairest way to do this is both boarding school boys get a single (ir share) and the other two get a double each.

MeridianB · 09/03/2021 14:55

At a glance, could your DS16 and his DS15 share as they are both at boarding school. Then the two others get a room each?

At least they are all boys and similar age brackets - imagine if there were girls in the mix!

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 14:56

A valid point in your favour op may be if they don't like sharing why did they choose to board at school??
My teens ds's shared a room at one point.

steppemum · 09/03/2021 15:04

you could write down how many hours per month each child spends at your home on a peice of paper.

You will need to be scrupulously fair.

and then allocate according to time spent.

As someone who went ot boarding school though I would point out that one of the joys of home is that you DON'T share with anyone, as it becomes pretty annoying sharing at school all the time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 15:09

How’s your communication generally? I know you’re talking about bedrooms specifically but I wouldn’t want to live with someone who kicked off at me and refused to have a reasonable conversation. I think you’re right, your two only have one home.

Boomclaps · 09/03/2021 15:11

They all need a room. Being eighteen in this time doesn’t mean they leave home. I stayed with my parents until I was 22, and my sisters still live at home at 21 & 25. It’s just so difficult for young people to leave home
You need to prioritise the work to enable everyone to have at least a single bedroom

ConorMasonsWife · 09/03/2021 15:23

@Boomclaps

They all need a room. Being eighteen in this time doesn’t mean they leave home. I stayed with my parents until I was 22, and my sisters still live at home at 21 & 25. It’s just so difficult for young people to leave home You need to prioritise the work to enable everyone to have at least a single bedroom

That's just not always possible. I shared with 2 sisters, it was a pain but we managed. Would have been better if it was just 1 sister admittedly.

Capripants · 09/03/2021 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Capripants · 09/03/2021 15:40

I'm so sorry that should have uploaded to a new thread. I'm new here so please ignore this & I'll try get it taken down.

purplebagladylovesgin · 09/03/2021 16:12

We extended so each of our four children had a similar sized room. Mad really as by the time we had finished the eldest was in his 20's and moved out.

But it's fair. I think as long as we have children under 18 I want them to all have their own rooms to return to. Once they are all Adults we will probably downsize.

MostlyHappyMummy · 09/03/2021 16:23

How is house being paid for?
Would you consider continuing a relationship without living together?

Easterbunnygettingready · 09/03/2021 16:58

My 2 x dd's will always have to share. Currently 14 +15. I doubt the scars will run deep..
And they live here ft...

aSofaNearYou · 09/03/2021 17:09

I'm a bit confused about the room sizes- are they all the same size, or two doubles and two singles?

If the latter surely the logical thing to do is to split the double room in half. Or ask his two if they mind sharing.

I wouldn't think much of his temper or logic seeming to suggest his two should take priority, though.

hullabaloo19 · 09/03/2021 18:05

@aSofaNearYou

I'm a bit confused about the room sizes- are they all the same size, or two doubles and two singles?

If the latter surely the logical thing to do is to split the double room in half. Or ask his two if they mind sharing.

I wouldn't think much of his temper or logic seeming to suggest his two should take priority, though.

There's 3 double rooms to share between the children - Either 2 need to share a room or one room will be split into 2 rooms meaning that 2 children have smaller rooms (half the size) than the other 2 children

hullabaloo19 · 09/03/2021 18:09

Just asked my partner his thoughts op and he agrees with you based on the fact that your dssons wouldn't have as many belongings that take up space, as surely they have half of their stuff at their mums. (He's very practical though, and doesn't think in such a way as to consider how it might make them feel unhappy/less important etc). But a valid point to make to your partner 👍

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 18:43

You get first choice

Boarding school boys get the one most practical to share or split even if it's the biggest. They're there one weekend a half term plus holidays / half holidays.

Your 11 yo is the only one who lives there full time full time and will in theory be there the longest. He gets next choice.

18 to gets the next room. He's there 50% so more than your eldest, and this might increase as he's got a car and more autonomy. Is it A Level year? Will he go to ini at home or away or get a job and move out? That might result in a reconfigure later on

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 18:45

@Boomclaps

They all need a room. Being eighteen in this time doesn’t mean they leave home. I stayed with my parents until I was 22, and my sisters still live at home at 21 & 25. It’s just so difficult for young people to leave home You need to prioritise the work to enable everyone to have at least a single bedroom

Whilst in ops house it's possible to make two singles and this give the boarding school lads their own rooms, children do not NEED a room of their own. They need somewhere safe to live and to be able to study. That might be the kitchen table, it might be their room. It looks that be in the den in the garden with the view and the fresh air. Plenty of kids share until they move out.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/03/2021 20:51

I wouldn’t buy a joint house with someone who wasn’t prepared to treat them all equally. Would be a red flag for me.

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