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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not sure if DP has overstepped the mark

50 replies

olivetre · 05/03/2021 09:52

It's my DSS birthday tomorrow and it's not DP's contact weekend. Yesterday he arranged with DSS' Mum to have him for the afternoon tomorrow and then overnight. Due to now having him, he wants to throw him a little 'party' (as much as you can have in lockdown!). He wants my DS6 to come to this party, even though he is due to be with his Dad this weekend.

Last night he brought up this 'party' in front of my DS, who of course now wants to go. I explained that it was DS' weekend with his Dad, to which DP said tell his Dad he won't be coming this weekend anymore. I said no I can't do that, it's his contact weekend. He turned to my DS and said 'wouldn't you rather come to a party than see your Dad?', to which my DS said yes. DS then spent literally all evening telling me I was mean that I was making him go to Daddy's when he wants to go to DP's instead.

I said to DP it was unfair that he put me in this position, especially in front of my DS, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I shouldn't send DS to his Dad's.

Am I wrong here? I feel like I've been made in to the bad one when actually it was always DS' weekend to go to his Dads and the party was only decided last night.

(FYI - I say party but it's only balloons, cake, presents etc with no other people other than the ones on zoom. He wants my DS there so that DSS has someone to play with).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

user1493413286 · 05/03/2021 13:33

Very much overstepped and not bothered about causing you problems with your ex either I guess. Im a bit surprised that as a dad who doesn’t live with his son full time that he’d think it was ok just to cancel a child’s contact time with their dad

Sparrowtree · 05/03/2021 13:36

Run. He's a dick. He didn't overstep he tried to go around you to get to your kid and didn't respect you one bit. He also didn't give a toss that he would potentially upset your child. Run!

frazzledasarock · 05/03/2021 13:38

Oh dump the twat.

He undermining your parenting, and using your child as means to not have to keep his own child amused and engaged.

Your DS’s dad is now going to have a sulky child on his hands who wants to go to a party.

This is only going to get worse as your son gets older and is egged on by your DP to go against your parenting.

He sounds like an absolutely rubbish father and a really crap boyfriend.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2021 13:45

Please don't let this man dictate what happens in your family.

Original poster

olivetre · 05/03/2021 13:46

It's ironic really as if I ever tried to say something about his parenting or his plans with DSS, I'd get shut down immediately

OP posts:

cookdabooks · 05/03/2021 13:47

@frazzledasarock

Oh dump the twat.

He undermining your parenting, and using your child as means to not have to keep his own child amused and engaged.

Your DS’s dad is now going to have a sulky child on his hands who wants to go to a party.

This is only going to get worse as your son gets older and is egged on by your DP to go against your parenting.

He sounds like an absolutely rubbish father and a really crap boyfriend.

Agree with this completely

MeridianB · 05/03/2021 13:47

@olivetre

I did try and have the boundaries chat after the pyjamas incident but it didn't go down too well - he became a bit huffy!

Totally agree with others that this is a bad sign. Time to put your family first and think seriously about whether a future with this man is going to be great for everyone or....filled with more of the same and worse.

LoudestCat14 · 05/03/2021 13:52

How long have you been in the relationship?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/03/2021 13:53

He sounds like a hypocritical twat. Tbh I wouldn’t be going round there this weekend - spend the time your DS is with is dad having a think about whether you want to be with someone who gets huffy when you assert perfectly reasonable boundaries about his interactions with your child. Especially as you’re not allowed to do the same with his.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/03/2021 13:54

Your DS is going to grow up with as little respect for you as this man has if you’re not careful.

Doingitaloneandproud · 05/03/2021 14:03

Reading the OP and updates, I would end the relationship. He's undermining you and he's completely crossed the line. The fact that he doesn't apologise or even seem to try and see it from your POV, is a red flag. I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who behaved like that with me and my son, he's trying to manipulate your child. He's manipulating him into saying he'd rather a party then see his dad and that's not on at all.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 05/03/2021 14:09

That is so ridiculously innapropriate and he is putting your child’s key relationships under stress. I don’t think there’s any future with a man like that

Original poster

olivetre · 05/03/2021 14:34

@LoudestCat14 Roughly 2 and a half years.

He seems to be having more influence on DS than I'm comfortable with.

OP posts:

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 05/03/2021 14:40

You know he’s overstepped. You know there are red flags. You know he’s undermining you. You know you’re unhappy with this one sided relationship. You know what your gut is saying. Please listen to it.

Aimee1987 · 05/03/2021 14:47

Yes he massively overstepped. He is undermining your parenting. parents a d stepparents need to be on the same page for blended families to work.

I would never tell DSS he didnt need to do something his dad asked him to do. Equally even though I'm the step parent if I ask DSS to do something then both me and dad expect it to be done ie. We parent together.
If we were to discuss things such as a change in contact weekends or weather he can stay up late to watch a movie we discuss it, agree, then talk to DSS.

MrsDoctorDear · 05/03/2021 14:48

[quote olivetre]@LoudestCat14 Roughly 2 and a half years.

He seems to be having more influence on DS than I'm comfortable with. [/quote]
Don't move in with this man. Ever.

MrsDoctorDear · 05/03/2021 14:50

He's a manipulative fucker.

RedMarauder · 05/03/2021 14:52

@HeartsAndClubs it's irrelevant because he shouldn't be undermining the OP's parenting regardless of whether they live together or not as he isn't the child's parent.

HeartsAndClubs · 05/03/2021 15:08

it's irrelevant because he shouldn't be undermining the OP's parenting regardless of whether they live together or not as he isn't the child's parent. I never suggested otherwise. But fact is that if he’s already behaving like this and the OP is considering a future with him, then things are only going to get worse if he moves in and actually becomes a step parent. Besides which if they don’t live together then it’s a lot easier for the OP to get rid of him.

MuddleMoo · 05/03/2021 15:15

[quote olivetre]@LoudestCat14 Roughly 2 and a half years.

He seems to be having more influence on DS than I'm comfortable with. [/quote]
Trust your instincts.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 05/03/2021 15:22

It's ironic really as if I ever tried to say something about his parenting or his plans with DSS, I'd get shut down immediately

Well you need to do the same right back at him. Who cares if he "gets a bit huffy" - for this read manipulates you again - he needs to know loud and clear this is NOT acceptable. Don't smooth things over, let him know this shit stops now.

MeridianB · 05/03/2021 18:32

He seems to be having more influence on DS than I'm comfortable with.

It sounds like this a much bigger issue than the birthday thing. Your DS will only be little for a short time, don’t let someone influence him in a way you’re not comfortable with.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2021 02:03

He's absolutely overstepped and his behaviour showed an absolute lack of respect for your Ex as well as you.

He seems to be having more influence on DS than I'm comfortable with.

This is worrying. He clearly thinks he's a better parent than you. I couldn't be dealing with that.

HeckyPeck · 07/03/2021 11:10

He massively overstepped.

He shuts you down when he's wrong. He shuts you down when he thinks you're wrong. Get ready for a lifetime of walking on eggshells and getting shut down if you stay with him. I speak from experience sadly although luckily I got out and am now with someone who I can talk to without fear of them getting "huffy".

Witchymclovely · 08/03/2021 18:20

He has overstepped but he didn’t kill anybody, I think some posters are slightly going over the top. Just explain what he’s done and fingers crossed he won’t do it again.

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