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Original poster

Not sure if DP has overstepped the mark

50 replies

olivetre · 05/03/2021 09:52

It's my DSS birthday tomorrow and it's not DP's contact weekend. Yesterday he arranged with DSS' Mum to have him for the afternoon tomorrow and then overnight. Due to now having him, he wants to throw him a little 'party' (as much as you can have in lockdown!). He wants my DS6 to come to this party, even though he is due to be with his Dad this weekend.

Last night he brought up this 'party' in front of my DS, who of course now wants to go. I explained that it was DS' weekend with his Dad, to which DP said tell his Dad he won't be coming this weekend anymore. I said no I can't do that, it's his contact weekend. He turned to my DS and said 'wouldn't you rather come to a party than see your Dad?', to which my DS said yes. DS then spent literally all evening telling me I was mean that I was making him go to Daddy's when he wants to go to DP's instead.

I said to DP it was unfair that he put me in this position, especially in front of my DS, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I shouldn't send DS to his Dad's.

Am I wrong here? I feel like I've been made in to the bad one when actually it was always DS' weekend to go to his Dads and the party was only decided last night.

(FYI - I say party but it's only balloons, cake, presents etc with no other people other than the ones on zoom. He wants my DS there so that DSS has someone to play with).

OP posts:
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RedMarauder · 05/03/2021 09:56

Your DP has completely over stepped

His son is not your son's half-sibling so they don't have to go to each other's birthdays as they aren't related. It is nice if they do.

Also your DP is completely disorganised. He should have asked you to ask your son's father at least 6 weeks ago if your son could spend the afternoon with his son.

Let your son go to his father and the next weekend they are both together have yet another party/celebration for your SS's birthday with some gifts from your son.

notdaddycool · 05/03/2021 09:57

DP's a prick, but now you need to make the best of a bad situation. Could you do it as soon as your SS arrives and ask your Ex if he can come a couple of hours late?

RedMarauder · 05/03/2021 09:57

So this weekend you SS gets his father to himself to celebrate his birthday.

Next weekend your SS get your son to celebrate his birthday.

SS then gets 2 birthday weekends. :)

Original poster
olivetre · 05/03/2021 10:02

@notdaddycool My DS is supposed to go to his Dad's today and DP isn't seeing DSS until tomorrow or I would have suggested it!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 05/03/2021 10:04

My view is that outings should never be raised in front of anyDC without having checked with the parents first. As such, your DP has completely overstepped. He should never have done that.

Does your DP have form for doing things like this, or is it a one-off? Your DS is not a toy for his DS to play with, he should have considered that your DS only sees his Dad every other week, and therefore DSS could have celebrated his birthday again with your DS next week. The fact that your DP did this, so his DS could have company, then successfully manipulated your DS against you makes some think he is quite selfish.

Starseeking · 05/03/2021 10:04

*makes me think

HollowTalk · 05/03/2021 10:05

Would your partner like it if his ex had that attitude?

Original poster
olivetre · 05/03/2021 10:10

@RedMarauder Yes DP always organises things super last minute with DSS.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 05/03/2021 10:49

Would your partner like it if his ex had that attitude?

Exactly this. Imagine his ex saying to DSS “oh wouldn’t you rather go to the zoo than see daddy?” and her partner saying “just tell his dad he’s not coming”.

That’s outrageous behaviour Shock

Your DP didn’t cross the line... he leaped 10ft past it! I would genuinely lose my sh*t if my DP did this.

HeartsAndClubs · 05/03/2021 10:55

Do you live together? I ask only because you make reference to your DS “going over to his.”

Either way he was way out of line and I would go belistic. I would also then tell your DS that given DP isn’t his dad he has no say in where he goes at the weekend.

RedMarauder · 05/03/2021 10:58

@HeartsAndClubs -
Do you live together? I ask only because you make reference to your DS “going over to his.”

This is completely irrelevant to the OP's situation. It doesn't matter if they live together or not as her DP doesn't have PR for her son and they are step-siblings not blood/officially adopted siblings.

lunar1 · 05/03/2021 11:05

If I was your DS's dad I'd be really cross at this.

Original poster
olivetre · 05/03/2021 11:30

@HeartsAndClubs No we don't currently live together.

OP posts:
PaleFox · 05/03/2021 11:31

Your DP was completely out of order!

OhCaptain · 05/03/2021 11:32

He WAY overstepped. Nip that in the bud.

Original poster
olivetre · 05/03/2021 11:36

I wouldn't say this is a common occurrence but I've noticed a few things lately. The other evening I asked DS to go upstairs, get in his pj's, then he could come down again. DP said (in front of DS) 'why does he have to get in to his pj's now, it's only 6:45, that's so early'. DS would usually do what I ask straight away but this time said 'Mummy DP is right, it's really early, can't I get in to them later'.

Might not seem a big thing but at the time I was thinking excuse me, DS getting in to his pj's has nothing to do with you!

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 05/03/2021 11:42

No it is a big thing. He’s undermining you in front of your son.
You need to have a talk with him about appropriate boundaries and not to openly question your decisions in front of your child.
If you don’t make it clear how unacceptable this is now then it’ll grow into a much bigger problem.

funinthesun19 · 05/03/2021 11:48

Sounds like the type of shit my former dsc’s stepfather would say to make himself look amazing in comparison to my ex. Smug, arrogant and big headed. And bloody manipulative behaviour towards the child.

Imagine if a stepmum said stuff like this.

MeridianB · 05/03/2021 13:09

@Starseeking

My view is that outings should never be raised in front of anyDC without having checked with the parents first. As such, your DP has completely overstepped. He should never have done that.

Does your DP have form for doing things like this, or is it a one-off? Your DS is not a toy for his DS to play with, he should have considered that your DS only sees his Dad every other week, and therefore DSS could have celebrated his birthday again with your DS next week. The fact that your DP did this, so his DS could have company, then successfully manipulated your DS against you makes some think he is quite selfish.

Agree with this and the point about he would presumably be really cross if his ex did this to him.

His actions are disrupting his ex, your ex, your son, his son and you. He sounds totally self-centred!

As @SpongebobNoPants says, you need a boundaries chat

Original poster
olivetre · 05/03/2021 13:17

I did try and have the boundaries chat after the pyjamas incident but it didn't go down too well - he became a bit huffy!

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 05/03/2021 13:20

@olivetre

I did try and have the boundaries chat after the pyjamas incident but it didn't go down too well - he became a bit huffy!
Red flags all over this! Who the fuck does he think he is?

I know it sounds extreme but you should consider ending this. It escalates. It always, always, ALWAYS escalates.

AuntyFungal · 05/03/2021 13:25

Disney “step dad”?

Or...

  • Doesn’t live with you - but likes to tell you how to run a house / parent.
  • DS & you have a good working relationship with DF / ex - but likes to stick his nose in / undermine.
BingBongToTheMoon · 05/03/2021 13:28

Totally undermining you.
The pyjamas thing would’ve sent me ballistic!

marriednotdead · 05/03/2021 13:30

@olivetre

I did try and have the boundaries chat after the pyjamas incident but it didn't go down too well - he became a bit huffy!
No no no! This will not get better. Agree totally with OhCaptain. Sorry.
HeartsAndClubs · 05/03/2021 13:30

This is completely irrelevant to the OP's situation. It doesn't matter if they live together or not as her DP doesn't have PR for her son and they are step-siblings not blood/officially adopted siblings. No it isn’t. He doesn’t live with the OP and already he’s throwing his weight around and trying to undermine her as a parent. If he moved in things will only get worse, so I would advise the OP never to live with him. In fact personally I would probably end it if it were me but that’s the OP’s call to make

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