Relationship with DHs ex

[rainbowrainfall]

How can I improve the relationship with my Husbands ex?

For content been married for 3 years. We both have children, none together. I wasn't the OW, the ex was engaged when I met my husband, they'd been separated for 2 years when I met him.

For some reason his ex just won't even acknowledge me at all. She never smiles or says hello at drop off or pick up. If I go to pick them up she won't even come to the door, just sends them out. Yesterday my DH had to go out to help his dad as he had a leak. I stayed home with all the kids. SD had written a song and was really proud, she wanted to perform it for her mum. So we FaceTimed her off my phone. She didn't answer. Literally 5 minutes later my husband phoned asking if I'd phoned her and why as she'd called him back. I explained and he said he'd let her know. He text me to say she's asked that he FaceTime her when he's home so she can speak to her daughter. I just don't understand why she won't speak to me at all. I get on well with the kids, I'm cautious of the boundaries and don't overstep. I'm supportive of my husband doing anything for the kids whether it's last minute changes to visits, money for anything the girls need. There's never been any issues or fallouts between us, a couple between my DH and her but I always remain neutral and if anything side with her.

When they'd gone home today he told me she wasn't happy that he'd left them with me and gone out. He doesn't usually do this, it was an emergency and he had to help his dad. She said in future if he's unable to have them he should return them home rather than leave them with me. There's nothing I can think of to make her feel this way.

My ex is with someone else and we all get on fine. We aren't best mates or involved in each other's lives but we'll always exchange pleasantries when we see each other and they come to events such a birthday parties etc and it's not awkward or forced. When my kids are with their dad his girlfriend will send me photos and videos or call me to ask if she's unsure about something.

Should I get DH to speak to her about it? It doesn't effect us really, it isn't a big deal but it seems so petty. I felt for SD yesterday trying to call her mum and being ignored, she was so excited and so deflated when she didn't answer. Or should I approach it myself and ask if I've offended her?

Has she been rude though? Or has she chosen not to engage. Is that rude? If she was speaking to her with an attitude then you might have a point. But she's chosen not to engage, and she's perfectly entitled to do that. And no, we absolutely do NOT have to engage with everyone we meet and pretend to get on.

It might be that the op is the paragon of virtue and the ex is an awful specimen of humanity. Or it might be the reverse. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle!

I was accused of projecting upthread, but I've been the ex whose flaws and inadequacies were discussed by my exes family with his partner (in earshot of my kids) in exactly the same way the op described. It's very easy to make assumptions about the ex from this perspective but I'm guessing there's a completely different story from her perspective.

I'd certainly prefer no engagement to snippy behaviour. And the op isn't this woman's 'childcare' is she? The op's dh is responsible for the children and any subsequent childcare. If op is being used for childcare that's not on the kids' mum is it?

@rainbowrainfall I can understand that you think her behaviour is off. But I'm just trying to get across that sometimes, things aren't always clear cut. I've no doubt you're a great Stepmum but many women have been cast in the 'problem ex' category by their spouse and family and it's usually not all one-sided. I doubt it's because she hates you. It's probably a lot more complicated than that.

Anyhow, step parenting is hard, and you're right, it's important to remember the kids at the centre of all this. Keep doing a great job

I think it's best that you don't do any pick ups from her home and everything is between your DH and her.

If he's late, then they sort it out between them without involving you.

Your DH should take you out of the equation in relation to that.

Obviously the leak at his dad's was unavoidable. It's clear she just doesn't want anything to do with you, so leave her to it.

@dontdoubtyourself

She is co parenting with him not you, I would not engage with my exes new dp. I just don't want to. you don't have to like it but you should probably respect people have different expectations and boundaries. Yours are yours hers are hers. don't let your wants override it. No always overrides yes. You know she doesn't want that relationship so why call? The kid didn't make you do anything, you chose to. She chose to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation. You don't have to understand her reasoning you just need to respect it. Neither do I want a relationship 'with my dps kids mum. It's just not my place.

This is the reason why step families can be so toxic. You are a huge part of their child's lives and by refusing to acknowledge that and be openly hostile like she has been will only create tensions with those poor children in the future. She is showing she can't handle your relationship with her ex or her children and if she has just cause then so be it. But if it's jealousy then she has to get over it for the sake of her own children. And I think if you hold out the olive branch and she snaps it you need to not let it affect you. Take a different stance if she won't engage even civilly for the benefit of the children for your own mental health I would keep her at arms length, continue to do the great things you are doing with your step family and if she has a problem to text your partner and he can text responses bk. it's important that you have a paper trail.

@Littlepaws18
I understand what you're saying. It's often hard watching your ex 'role playing' the good parent to his new partner, knowing tjat he only has them eow and it's easy to play the role of 'best dad'.

While the resident parent deals with the nitty gritty 24/7.

Yet women are expected to summon superhuman efforts to 'be nice' for the kids, which generally happens 99% of the time.

I do think that the men in these scenarios are the ones getting off easy and the women involved end up unfairly pitted against each other.

@CandyLeBonBon I can't speak for all dads, and I'm well aware some are useless. But my DH would give everything he has to be the resident parent. He'd have his kids full time in a heartbeat.
It hurts him that he misses out on the 'nitty gritty'
Women have a choice, they don't HAVE to be the resident parent, it is a choice so it's not right to complain that dad 'gets it easy'
There's no way on the earth I'd ever want my kids to be full time with their dad, but I also don't complain that a lot of our life is the more boring routine day to day stuff and dads for fun.
My ex was a useless father when we were together, but I can't fault him now as he does do his best.
Whatever was is in the past, I can only judge on what happens now. It isn't in anyone's interests to be hung up on how things were before.

My ex’s partner is the same. They got together after we’d split (I left). She’s about 17 years younger than me. My ex and I were moving a piece of heavy marital furniture once (he kept it in the divorce but no longer wanted it and it was going to a friend of mine) and I was struggling. She was at the kitchen sink and he asked her could she get me a glass of water. She said “no” and walked off. Bloody odd

I did and have have next to nothing to do with her, it was just never necessary, so it really doesn’t matter, but I do wonder at her motivation.

[quote rainbowrainfall]@CandyLeBonBon I can't speak for all dads, and I'm well aware some are useless. But my DH would give everything he has to be the resident parent. He'd have his kids full time in a heartbeat.
It hurts him that he misses out on the 'nitty gritty'
Women have a choice, they don't HAVE to be the resident parent, it is a choice so it's not right to complain that dad 'gets it easy'
There's no way on the earth I'd ever want my kids to be full time with their dad, but I also don't complain that a lot of our life is the more boring routine day to day stuff and dads for fun.
My ex was a useless father when we were together, but I can't fault him now as he does do his best.
Whatever was is in the past, I can only judge on what happens now. It isn't in anyone's interests to be hung up on how things were before. [/quote]
I hear what you're saying. Perhaps I'm jaded? I begged my ex for more balanced contact and he wouldn't.

I do think that the way things pan out between parents is a total lottery. Fwiw my comments here were never a suggestion that you don't have all the kids' interests at heart because it comes across that you do.

From my perspective, I begged my exH for a more even distribution of labour well before we were separated. He refused and even now, he has seen his kids for 3 or 4 weekends in the last year citing lockdown rules as the reason, and I suspect his oh has a part to play.. So I'm glad your dh is a good guy.

By the time i separated from my H, I'd stood up to his mother and made it clear I wouldn't put up with her unpleasantness (by which I mean her expecting to come over whenever she wanted, criticising my management of our home, expecting me to cook for her 10 days after my first c-section etc). However if you would listen to how she talks about me, you'd think I was the devil.

I'm the first to admit I could work on myself, but her son could've done far more than he did to help make the marriage work.

I wish more men were like your husband. I just know what it's like to be the one everyone criticises after the fact.

Ultimately we all have to think about the kids and act accordingly.

she was being a dick not answering her phone to a member of the household where her kids were staying, it could have been an emergency. you sound really really nice, and like you're doing your best. try not to take it personally and just keep on being pleasant, the longer sulking like this goes on the dafter it looks.

But if it's jealousy then she has to get over it for the sake of her own children.

It could be jealousy and she's decided this (avoidance of the OP) is the only way to manage those emotions.

Sometimes (in a situation I know) it's the other way round. The Ex is happy to engage with the SM, but the SM is reluctant.

@CandyLeBonBon totally accept there's bad ones out there, probably more than good if what I read is a true reflection. I do often feel defensive over the assumption that dads get to opt out, as in my experience as both a mother and a SM I don't feel this is true, my ex opted out way more before we split than he does now.

I find it sad that some dads just don't pull their weight! But the way I see it, your children will grow up knowing who was there and who wasn't and all the struggles you face now will pay off tenfold when they're grown up.

I think that you're just reading too much into it. Although she has absolutely no right to be rude to you, she doesn't actually have to deal with you and whilst I appreciate not being acknowledged might be upsetting or difficult, I would just accept that she doesn't want to extend the hand of friendship to you.
You're an important part of your DH's and his children's life but I don't agree with you turning up with him for pick up, that's his job.
As long as the kids are fine with you and she isn't purposely difficult, that's the most important thing.

I do think this is just the way some people can be rightly or wrongly.

My DPs eldest Mum I haven’t had much interactions with, but have been in the car for pick up/drop off and at events to watch them at the same time. She also brings her partner in the same way.

His youngests mum I have never done that with, never been in the car for pick ups/drop offs and so far no events at the same time. I don’t know if that’s because she doesn’t have a partner, doesn’t like me, or has told DP not to bring me (he denies this but I’m not sure). I do think it is partially a DH/DP problem, and the same for me.

I’ve tried talking to DP about it but he’s adamant he wants it this way (again I think it’s more from her and he is the same worried about rocking the boat so she restricts access). But I have had to let it go. I have properly absolved any responsibility/issue over it now and let him get on with it.

My issue is that with kids things are always going to come up when everyone may be there, for events, sporting things or school things, where the DC might want everyone there, and it seems sad they can’t because as you say their parents aren’t grown ups. My DP and my ex don’t particularly get on, my ex dislikes my DP as he never wanted to separate and doesn’t like someone else being involved in bringing up the kids, but, they have been at events together for my DC because they want them both there. Just as you say, being civil. It’s just the way it is.

I think you may need to do similar and just let it go. It’s likely the day will come when you are needed for something and it’ll be interesting to see how everyone deals with that. If not then it may never be a problem. It is a shame for the kids though you are right.

Lots of parents use contact restriction to keep control over exes I think, often at the kids expense and that’s sad. If she wants to make it more difficult knowing he’s going to be late sometimes because of traffic or work emergencies or whatever, that’s her problem, let her deal with it. All your DP has to say is ‘my DP can collect it that’s better’ he’s offered a solution, she isn’t taking it, so she can’t kick off then really.

Some people just like to make things more difficult for no reason. Usually when people stop entertaining any comfrontation over it and standing firm, they stop. It’s about control

What makes me laugh is there is another thread on this board where the SM is saying she won’t have her sc at the house when DP is not there for a multitude of very good reasons - and people are coming on saying she is wrong and unreasonable and SM should make all these allowances even though they negatively impact her own life....

Now on this thread the OP is being told to keep out, that her role is only a minor one in the children’s lives and not to expect any common decency from the mother.

She’s demanding that her children are not even left alone with OP - for no reason - whilst on the other thread the OP is being told she is completely unreasonable for suggesting just that.

So what have we learned? That SM basically have to do exactly whatever the ex partner dictates and anything less is unreasonable and wrong. And if that changes without warning or reason, well that’s just tough and you’ll have to crack on without any complaint.

Btw OP you are not unreasonable at all. Common curtesy is just basic decency. But I wouldn’t overthink it. You can’t know why someone acts the way they do - it’s her issue not yours

What makes me laugh is there is another thread on this board where the SM is saying she won’t have her sc at the house when DP is not there for a multitude of very good reasons - and people are coming on saying she is wrong and unreasonable and SM should make all these allowances even though they negatively impact her own life....

It's a very small minority saying that to be fair and you'll always get that.

I'm a really firm believer that a lot of the time, for blended families to really work, the children need to see their parents accepting and getting along with new partners. I think it makes things so much more relaxed for the children and I'm grateful that DHs ex has always made some effort to do as such.

For that reason I think it's a bit petty acting the way your DHs ex is. It wouldn't take much for the children to pick up on it and potentially cause problems in their relationship with you. No exes don't have a choice about who their Ex-P is with and you might not want a relationship with that person at all but I do think you should make it easier and less awkward for your children if you can, which imo involves being pleasant to new partners (providing they are decent people which it sounds like OP is). I think the potential for children to pick up on tension and awkwardness and adults ignoring one another and so on is huge and I wouldn't personally risk what that could possibly lead to, i.e. my child feeling uncomfortable.

However, you can't actually do anything about this, she doesn't want a relationship and that's up to her whether or not you or I agree it's what's best. I wouldn't bother getting your husband to mention it. What I would get him to mention is that it's not up to her who he leaves the children with on his contact time and she doesn't get to dictate that. He is as capable as her as deciding who gets to care for his children during his time with them in situations like this. She might not be happy about it but it's not up to her just as it wouldn't be up to your DH if roles were reversed. I'd be wanting DH to make that absolutely clear so there are no illusions that he'll accept being dictated to about what happens on his time.

OP you sound lovely and have have your DSCs best interests at heart, which is how it should be. Lots of sensible comments and observations from other PPs.

My DHs Ex has never behaved courteously towards me. I met DH after his ExH had left to be with the man she had an affair with. But from the moment I came on the scene, she’s been difficult, changing arrangements last minute, literally dumping the DSCs on our doorstep even when she knew DH wasn’t there, blaming me for anything and everything. It was constant and wearing and always caused a lot of unnecessary tension for the DCs. And sadly, now they are adults, this has affected their relationships with their DF. I had always hoped that the DSCs would see through the nonsense but they have had so many lies about me fed to them for so long, they never have and I doubt they ever will.

It’s very sad but my only advice is follow your own moral compass, accept you cannot do anything about your DHs Ex and get on with your life.