Relationship with DHs ex

[rainbowrainfall]

How can I improve the relationship with my Husbands ex?

For content been married for 3 years. We both have children, none together. I wasn't the OW, the ex was engaged when I met my husband, they'd been separated for 2 years when I met him.

For some reason his ex just won't even acknowledge me at all. She never smiles or says hello at drop off or pick up. If I go to pick them up she won't even come to the door, just sends them out. Yesterday my DH had to go out to help his dad as he had a leak. I stayed home with all the kids. SD had written a song and was really proud, she wanted to perform it for her mum. So we FaceTimed her off my phone. She didn't answer. Literally 5 minutes later my husband phoned asking if I'd phoned her and why as she'd called him back. I explained and he said he'd let her know. He text me to say she's asked that he FaceTime her when he's home so she can speak to her daughter. I just don't understand why she won't speak to me at all. I get on well with the kids, I'm cautious of the boundaries and don't overstep. I'm supportive of my husband doing anything for the kids whether it's last minute changes to visits, money for anything the girls need. There's never been any issues or fallouts between us, a couple between my DH and her but I always remain neutral and if anything side with her.

When they'd gone home today he told me she wasn't happy that he'd left them with me and gone out. He doesn't usually do this, it was an emergency and he had to help his dad. She said in future if he's unable to have them he should return them home rather than leave them with me. There's nothing I can think of to make her feel this way.

My ex is with someone else and we all get on fine. We aren't best mates or involved in each other's lives but we'll always exchange pleasantries when we see each other and they come to events such a birthday parties etc and it's not awkward or forced. When my kids are with their dad his girlfriend will send me photos and videos or call me to ask if she's unsure about something.

Should I get DH to speak to her about it? It doesn't effect us really, it isn't a big deal but it seems so petty. I felt for SD yesterday trying to call her mum and being ignored, she was so excited and so deflated when she didn't answer. Or should I approach it myself and ask if I've offended her?

@CherryDocsInYrBalls he isnt flaky and he never abandons his responsibilities. He left the kids with me because his dad had a leak and it needed fixing. He'd normally take the children, or we'd all go in a situation like that but obviously that isn't possible at the moment. His dad is shielding so it wouldn't be right to take them with him. He needed to help his dad. It was unavoidable. His weekends with his children are his time with them and he had never left them with me unless really necessary.

In terms of pick ups it's fine if she doesn't want me to do it, but if traffic is bad or there's an unavoidable delay at work then she needs to accept it. I think he's been late for them maybe 4 times since I've known him, it isn't regular. Just a recent example of how she behaves.

@EnoughnowIthink he definitely never treated her badly. She cheated on him, multiple times. As she has her current husband. I think there was some level of violence from her towards him, he's never told me so but comments about her from family members and friends suggest there was. I've never pried, it's obviously something he doesn't want to share. So it isn't his behaviour that makes her hostile. And they do get on pretty well. They chat on handover and she calls him often with problems. He attends the girls birthday parties but is asked not to bring me. So the issue is definitely completely aimed at me.

I would feel the same as you to be honest. Surely it's nicer for every one especially the children if everyone was able to exchange pleasantries I don't mean be best friends but hello here and there wouldn't go a miss. She'd already moved on by the time you had met your DH so I don't understand her problem. I would want to know the woman my children were spending time with and would never be rude/ ignore my ex husbands new partner. I think some people just like to be awkward. She's lucky her children have such a lovely step mum.

Well, if she is violent and abusive there is a much bigger problem than her being nice to you or not. Abuse harms children. Abusers don't have the power to control who gets harmed by their abuse, and abuse in the home harms the wellbeing of the children in the home. Why has your DH left his children with somebody violent? That's what I would be more interested in if I were you. Why are you wanting to be friends with someone capable of DV? What a mess

I’ll be honest I think you have a DH problem too.

I think you are expecting too much in terms of having a relationship with her. She clearly doesn’t want to.

But she cannot dictate to your DH who looks after his children on the days he has them.

Courts are very clear it is none of her business providing that the children are safe and looked after.

In always bending to the whim; her calling him and him calling you, him picking them up despite it being in the wrong direction, he is signalling he is her lap dog.

And if there was abuse I think that’s maybe symptomatic that he’s keen to avoid behaviour or trigger that behaviour.

Ultimately unless your husband develops some boundaries and exerts them, this will always be this way.

I’m sorry ExP, you have no say on who looks after the children on my time. Unless there’s a safeguarding concern you’d like to raise?

I’m sorry ExP, I won’t be picking them up rainbowrainfall will be.

ExP, if you want to know why rainbowrainfall is calling you, I suggest you answer the phone.

Until he responds in this way she’ll keep going to him to avoid you.

Op you need to accept that you won't win here.
On mn as a step mum you are either overstepping boundries by being too 'friendly' ie expecting a grown woman, who's child/ren you are of course involved with to some degree, to treat you with simple civility, not friendship, but basic human courtesy or you are the wicked witch from the west for acknowledging that it wouldn't bother you if you didn't see them from one weekend to the next or no, the sc who only comes for 2 nights a week can't have their own room because then their half siblings would have to share a tiny box room, can't have sc feeling pushed out.

If i were an ex wife and you were my childs sm i'd be thankful that you seem like a halfway decent person and happy to facilitate a relationship between all of us which shows any child going forward, how to navigate situations such as these for the benefit of the child ultimately.

Maybe in this instance, as you can't win, step back.
It's a shame because you sound like a lovely person with the sc best interests at heart.

@Powwow401
I would feel the same as you to be honest. Surely it's nicer for every one especially the children if everyone was able to exchange pleasantries I don't mean be best friends but hello here and there wouldn't go a miss.

She'd already moved on by the time you had met your DH so I don't understand her problem. I would want to know the woman my children were spending time with and would never be rude/ ignore my ex husbands new partner. I think some people just like to be awkward. She's lucky her children have such a lovely step mum.

ExPs don’t all think like this though. I unfortunately have DP’s ex in my life who called me every name under the sun, went to DP’s parents and told lies about me, told the kids not to be in the same room as me alone, has forbidden me from asking for help with schoolwork while homeschooling.

Literally, she left DP, grass was greener. I came along 18 months later. Nothing untoward. No affair etc.

For three years she’s been like a constant pain in the arse. And now she’s upset because she’s never met me.

I have no desire to meet someone who behaves so appallingly. I also have no desire to meet someone who, I know, after meeting me, will be upset about it because we’re very different. I’m not needy, I’m not irrational and I’m not dependent on DP and she would hate it. And she will be an even bigger pain in the arse.

There’s no point. I’d love to say that every ex partner acts in the best interests of their children but however much they hide behind those words it’s just not true.

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Well, if she is violent and abusive there is a much bigger problem than her being nice to you or not. Abuse harms children. Abusers don't have the power to control who gets harmed by their abuse, and abuse in the home harms the wellbeing of the children in the home. Why has your DH left his children with somebody violent? That's what I would be more interested in if I were you. Why are you wanting to be friends with someone capable of DV? What a mess

Proving domestic abuse is difficult. In our case DSS lives in a house with domestic abuse, that we know of stepdad beat the living daylights out of her while DSS was upstairs, there are police reports as proof with doctors reports of the bruising and cracked rib. She left him but choose to return, social services investigated and decided it was an 'isolated incident' so no need to go further. Two local solicitors said that the chances of removing the child in a court battle were slim to none as she was the primary carer. And on here there are loads of posters with blatant evidence of domestic abuse who are forced to facilitate contact at times on 50 50 basis.

@CherryDocsInYrBalls I agree with you! He tried for custody a while back. There was an incident at home in which the neighbours alerted the police. SS became involved, husband tried to go for custody but she worked well with SS and they judged it a safe environment. There's no police involvement, except that 1 time, what we know goes on in the home and what we can prove goes on in the home and 2 different things. As much as he'd love to change that it's been ruled in her favour.

@Spandang I agree with you completely also. He did try that once and she told him to just not bother that weekend. He won't put his foot down and he won't rock the boat due to fear of her restricting his access.

It sounds like she is using the kids as a way to control her ex. My initial thoughts get DH to ask if she had a specific issue with you but form your updates I think you need to just avoid her.
How old are the kids, are they close to being of an age where they get their own phones? If not mabey just make an excuse if your ever in the phone situation again, "oh no my battery died and I left my charger in daddy's car", "oh no the internet isnt working to facetime we will do it when daddy gets home".
I doubt this type of behaviour is aimed only at you so I guess the kids will see through it at some point. Just focus on your time with the kids and try and not let the mum drama get to you.

@Spandang I agree with you completely also. He did try that once and she told him to just not bother that weekend. He won't put his foot down and he won't rock the boat due to fear of her restricting his access.

But, you need that? Does he have an agreement with her that’s signed or court ordered?

what we know goes on in the home and what we can prove goes on in the home and 2 different things.

My exH has a partner with whom I tried to be friendly m, because 'it takes a village' and all that.

It turn out she was unpleasant and judgemental about my home, my hygiene standards, talking about me with me ex mil etc (my daughter woke up with nightmares because she was worried she was going to be eaten by bedbugs because ex's partner had suggested I might have an infestation in my house.
services.

Im afraid I gave up trying to be friendly after that because I am sick of judgemental arseholes who don't live my life thinking they kind more about my situation than I do.

She owes you nothing. Perhaps keep your judgement to yourself. She'll know you are judging her. You probably don't know what goes on in her home and this attitude is why mothers end up keeping their distance from the ex's new partner in spite of wanting a friendly relationship.

I wouldn't answer my exH's partner if she phoned either. And how would she know her child was on the other end. If that happens next time, text first to say her child wants to FaceTime her and if she doesn't answer. Then you just say 'oh I think mummy must be busy' - you don't land her in an awkward position and then smugly tell the child 'oh dear well mummy doesn't want to talk to you' or whatever.

As a pp said, it sounds like you set her up to fail.

@Spandang I've also been on the receiving end of it and with quiet a horrid woman, she was pregnant with her new partners baby before I ever came on the scene. It was years of constant abuse, vile emails etc. It was awful and I could never understand why, I would never want to be friendly with this woman now and I wouldn't give her the time of day. It would have been much nicer for everyone if she could have been civil from the start. But like you said not all ex partners are the same. I have a good relationship with my ex and it's much nicer for my children tbh

@CandyLeBonBon that's your experience. I have never been judgemental. She's never given me the time of day enough to of formed any kind of rational judgement about me. I'm also confident SDs have never made her think that way either as I know she'd be straight on the phone to my husband if the kids has said something.
And Of course I didn't tell my SD that mummy didn't want to speak to her. That's awful. I said mummy must be busy and not have her phone.

It's amazing how a lot of things seem to be my fault purely because I'm the SM.

Tbh OP while you sound like you're just trying to be nice, not everyone wants to have a friendly relationship with their ex's new partner (or their current partner's ex, similarly) and I think you have to broadly accept that.

She does sound like she's being difficult in terms or not even saying hello to you and honestly I do think your DP should speak to her about that. The children will pick up on it and it could impact their own attitudes towards you and how comfortable they feel getting on with you. My DP's ex always chats to me if I see her at handover as she is conscious that she wants the children to feel comfortable with me too.

Re the call, I'm surprised she didn't answer as it could have been an emergency, but equally I would never FaceTime or call my OH's ex unless it absolutely was an emergency, even at the request of my SCs. I would say maybe they could do it later when dad gets home. Tbh I don't even have her number - why do you have hers and why does she have yours to know it was you calling if you don't speak to each other?

I think because of your own cordial relationship with your ex and his new partner you are using that as a benchmark, but everyone has different preferences when it comes to dealing with exes/their new partners.

You're getting bashed here. As you always will as a stepmum on mumsnet. Honestly everything will be a DH problem or you overstepping because mums (not step) can do no wrong on this board (even when clearly bonkers).

I did see one piece of advice among the nonsense that I think was quite good though. She sounds like a dick generally but she may also have been wrong footed by your call especially as it was FaceTime. I generally don't answer FaceTimes for instance. Calling your partner instead of a quick text to you was childish.

However, for next time I would definitely send a text before calling - e.g. Alice has made up a song she wants you to hear - she's going to borrow my phone to FaceTime you. That way she'll have the heads up that it's her child not you and can choose to answer or not.

Technically she can't say anything about the kids being left with you, even if it hadn't been an emergency. But in the future I would try not to alert her when you are on your own with them in case she's tricky about access.

@CandyLeBonBon

what we know goes on in the home and what we can prove goes on in the home and 2 different things.

My exH has a partner with whom I tried to be friendly m, because 'it takes a village' and all that.

It turn out she was unpleasant and judgemental about my home, my hygiene standards, talking about me with me ex mil etc (my daughter woke up with nightmares because she was worried she was going to be eaten by bedbugs because ex's partner had suggested I might have an infestation in my house.
services.

Im afraid I gave up trying to be friendly after that because I am sick of judgemental arseholes who don't live my life thinking they kind more about my situation than I do.

She owes you nothing. Perhaps keep your judgement to yourself. She'll know you are judging her. You probably don't know what goes on in her home and this attitude is why mothers end up keeping their distance from the ex's new partner in spite of wanting a friendly relationship.

I wouldn't answer my exH's partner if she phoned either. And how would she know her child was on the other end. If that happens next time, text first to say her child wants to FaceTime her and if she doesn't answer. Then you just say 'oh I think mummy must be busy' - you don't land her in an awkward position and then smugly tell the child 'oh dear well mummy doesn't want to talk to you' or whatever.

As a pp said, it sounds like you set her up to fail.

What on earth is this post about?!?!

OP hasn't written anything judgemental about the mum at all, and where does it say she told her SD that her mum didn't want to speak to her when she didn't answer the call??

Talk about projection, seriously. You have completely cast OP in a bad light just because your ex's new partner was not great to you. OP hasn't done anything of the sort.

It's amazing how a lot of things seem to be my fault purely because I'm the SM.

LOL get used to it if you're going to be brave enough to post on here OP! Some responses I see are crazyyyy.

I do appreciate some of the advice I've had from here. I can't, and don't want to make her like me. I'd just like to of made things a little less awkward for the girls but I accept I can't do that. She's their mother, she can behave however she chooses. I genuinely do hope that it doesn't back fire on her one day.

I do use my relationship with my ex and his partner as a benchmark because we're all adults and put the kids needs first and I just think it's how it should be.

But also agree with those of you that point out some opinions on here are bonkers, projections of people's own situations and just out to hunt me down as the bad guy purely because I'm a SM. It's a shame this isn't a safe space for us to come and vent or seek advice. People like to grasp at the smallest things and twist it to create an issue. But luckily I have a thick skin and knew there'd be some responses like that.

If anything, this thread has made me so massively grateful for the relationship between my ex and his partner. It really baffles me how rude and disrespectful people can be for petty or no good reason.

She sounds a real charmer! I can’t stand my ex’s new partner (she was one of many OW but that’s beside the point, I do not like her!) but for my DDs sake I am always polite and wouldn’t dream of ignoring a call when my DD is with them. Or when she isn’t for that matter, it’s never happened but she’s only going to be calling to do with DD. I was uncomfortable her being in sole charge in the early days but what happens at their house isn’t my business really, unless DD is at risk.

Sounds like she has some major issues and you have done your best. The kids will notice that and remember it in future.

@Bepawsome

She sounds a real charmer! I can’t stand my ex’s new partner (she was one of many OW but that’s beside the point, I do not like her!) but for my DDs sake I am always polite and wouldn’t dream of ignoring a call when my DD is with them. Or when she isn’t for that matter, it’s never happened but she’s only going to be calling to do with DD. I was uncomfortable her being in sole charge in the early days but what happens at their house isn’t my business really, unless DD is at risk.

Sounds like she has some major issues and you have done your best. The kids will notice that and remember it in future.

Yep this is my point! Your children should come before your own personal feelings. But seems that's not the way most see it. You can manage your feelings by ranting to your friends or whoever when your kids aren't around etc, but to make it uncomfortable I just think it's so cruel. Really not difficult to be polite to someone is it.

Op you sound lovely and I would be delighted if my childrens father was with someone like you, they are lucky to have you!
As for her I think you have to accept her as she is, it's a shame but out of your control.

Unfortunately it's up to her if she wants to make it easier for her children by being nice to you. I think if she can't be nice to you then it's better she just ignores you rather than is horrible to you.

She sounds vile. I think you have to accept that you won't get someone unreasonable to be reasonable. Next time don't facetime or try to contact her ever except in an emergency.

But as for her dictating whether he can leave the kids with you - no no no. It's his contact time, he needs to tell her she is not calling the shots. Similarly I would do the pickups if necessary, just wait in the car.

It really baffles me how rude and disrespectful people can be for petty or no good reason

That's all your opinion, though. From her perspective she may have good reason. She may not even be being disrespectful - stepping back may be her way of being respectful rather than saying what she actually thinks? Honestly, I have nothing against my ex's partners but I have no desire to have to pass the time of day with them or be friendly. They are nothing to do with me. If I genuinely hate them, for good reason or ridiculous reason there is nothing I can do about it. They're my ex's choice. No say in it. Like I said, some of us know ourselves well enough to know if we start we won't stop so silence is the best thing for all of us! P-P-P-Poker face!

@EnoughnowIthink

It really baffles me how rude and disrespectful people can be for petty or no good reason

That's all your opinion, though. From her perspective she may have good reason. She may not even be being disrespectful - stepping back may be her way of being respectful rather than saying what she actually thinks? Honestly, I have nothing against my ex's partners but I have no desire to have to pass the time of day with them or be friendly. They are nothing to do with me. If I genuinely hate them, for good reason or ridiculous reason there is nothing I can do about it. They're my ex's choice. No say in it. Like I said, some of us know ourselves well enough to know if we start we won't stop so silence is the best thing for all of us! P-P-P-Poker face!

This is nonsense though. Op isn't asking mum to be best friends. Just polite. Presumably you are capable of doing this generally even with people you don't like.

For instance unpleasant people you come across at work, annoying strangers etc. In all walks of life there are people you have to put up with who you aren't fond of.

Why is it that you are suddenly incapable of being civil and sensible with someone who has childcare responsibilities for your child? Just because they are in a relationship with your ex. (Particularly when they are NOT OW)