Relationship with DHs ex

[rainbowrainfall]

How can I improve the relationship with my Husbands ex?

For content been married for 3 years. We both have children, none together. I wasn't the OW, the ex was engaged when I met my husband, they'd been separated for 2 years when I met him.

For some reason his ex just won't even acknowledge me at all. She never smiles or says hello at drop off or pick up. If I go to pick them up she won't even come to the door, just sends them out. Yesterday my DH had to go out to help his dad as he had a leak. I stayed home with all the kids. SD had written a song and was really proud, she wanted to perform it for her mum. So we FaceTimed her off my phone. She didn't answer. Literally 5 minutes later my husband phoned asking if I'd phoned her and why as she'd called him back. I explained and he said he'd let her know. He text me to say she's asked that he FaceTime her when he's home so she can speak to her daughter. I just don't understand why she won't speak to me at all. I get on well with the kids, I'm cautious of the boundaries and don't overstep. I'm supportive of my husband doing anything for the kids whether it's last minute changes to visits, money for anything the girls need. There's never been any issues or fallouts between us, a couple between my DH and her but I always remain neutral and if anything side with her.

When they'd gone home today he told me she wasn't happy that he'd left them with me and gone out. He doesn't usually do this, it was an emergency and he had to help his dad. She said in future if he's unable to have them he should return them home rather than leave them with me. There's nothing I can think of to make her feel this way.

My ex is with someone else and we all get on fine. We aren't best mates or involved in each other's lives but we'll always exchange pleasantries when we see each other and they come to events such a birthday parties etc and it's not awkward or forced. When my kids are with their dad his girlfriend will send me photos and videos or call me to ask if she's unsure about something.

Should I get DH to speak to her about it? It doesn't effect us really, it isn't a big deal but it seems so petty. I felt for SD yesterday trying to call her mum and being ignored, she was so excited and so deflated when she didn't answer. Or should I approach it myself and ask if I've offended her?

You aren’t doing anything wrong but equally she doesn’t owe you a relationship

I can understand where you’re coming from as it’d be better for the kids if they saw you all getting on and interacting but you can’t force her to and by your DH talking to her I think it woks just make it worse. I don’t think your DH should agree to returning the children if he has to go out though as it’s his contact time and his choice where the children are.
I’m a bit surprised in the context of how she is with you that you FaceTimed her; I would have thought it’d be fairly predictable that she either wouldn’t answer or wouldn’t be happy about it. I have a fairly good relationship with DHs ex but I still wouldn’t do that as I don’t think she’d react well. I wouldn’t be trying to force her to interact with you.

@User5768 no she doesn't, but she owes if to her children to not make things difficult for no reason. Ignoring me is fine, but not speaking to her own child because it was using my phone, that's petty. If I collect them you can tell they feel awkward because she won't speak to me. She doesn't need to be my friend but why make it awkward for her children?

I wouldn't even waste my time worrying about this. You stay out of her life, she stays out of yours. Sounds great to me. Any issues go only through your husband.

She doesn't need to be my friend but why make it awkward for her children?

That's her doing and one her children will remember as they get older. She will have to deal with the consequences.

[quote rainbowrainfall]@User5768 no she doesn't, but she owes if to her children to not make things difficult for no reason. Ignoring me is fine, but not speaking to her own child because it was using my phone, that's petty. If I collect them you can tell they feel awkward because she won't speak to me. She doesn't need to be my friend but why make it awkward for her children?[/quote]
If she's heard that you refer to her children as 'it' that could be a reason not to speak to you.

Oh god, I was referring to the contact being on my phone.. not the child! I'd never call them an it.. agree that sounded awful though! Must remember to re read before I hit post!

You sound nice - but you can't improve a relationship with someone who is petty and doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

I'd just let it go.

She is co parenting with him not you, I would not engage with my exes new dp. I just don't want to. you don't have to like it but you should probably respect people have different expectations and boundaries. Yours are yours hers are hers. don't let your wants override it. No always overrides yes. You know she doesn't want that relationship so why call? The kid didn't make you do anything, you chose to. She chose to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation. You don't have to understand her reasoning you just need to respect it. Neither do I want a relationship 'with my dps kids mum. It's just not my place.

@LindaEllen Is English your first language? How could the "it" in that sentence possibly refer to a child? Are you deliberately trying to upset the OP? Or is it a genuine misunderstanding?

I think you should continue as you are, ie, kill with kindness. You are not doing anything wrong. Maybe she just finds it difficult seeing you there.

I don’t think she can dictate that dp should return kids home,if dp is unable to look after them. He can decide he wants someone else to look after them, rather it’s you or grandparents etc.

@dontdoubtyourself

She is co parenting with him not you, I would not engage with my exes new dp. I just don't want to. you don't have to like it but you should probably respect people have different expectations and boundaries. Yours are yours hers are hers. don't let your wants override it. No always overrides yes. You know she doesn't want that relationship so why call? The kid didn't make you do anything, you chose to. She chose to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation. You don't have to understand her reasoning you just need to respect it. Neither do I want a relationship 'with my dps kids mum. It's just not my place.

She asked to call her mum, why would I say no?? I'm pretty sure if she went home and said I wanted to call you and step-mum said no she'd be equally unhappy.

It's interesting to hear everyone's views, I just think it's a little sad for them. I don't expect to be invited in for tea but to stand behind the door and usher her kids out so she doesn't have to see me just seems so odd. I won't give it anymore thought. As some have said, it's her behaviour that makes it awkward for the kids so she can deal with that herself when they're old enough to question it.

For whatever reason she doesn't want any kind of interaction with you...that's her problem. You shouldn't worry about it.

I'm wondering if she's jealous of you perhaps. Are you younger than her...better looking objectively? She might feel insecure around you and not want to get close.

Even things like your SD getting on well with you and talking about you when she gets home could be part of it.

Of course you call when the SC asks but you can’t help the way she responds or fails to respond.

Your intentions are good but this is clearly a big brick wall and unless you intend to confront her (which I wouldn’t recommend), it would be best to let it go.

@SandyY2K

For whatever reason she doesn't want any kind of interaction with you...that's her problem. You shouldn't worry about it.

I'm wondering if she's jealous of you perhaps. Are you younger than her...better looking objectively? She might feel insecure around you and not want to get close.

Even things like your SD getting on well with you and talking about you when she gets home could be part of it.

That's interesting I hadn't really though of that, I'm 35, she's 44. Looks wise we aren't really comparable. I'm a plain Jane and she's very edgy, think undercut, tattoos, piercings.

Everyone's different. Neither of you are wrong , just different. You should mirror her and stop trying to be friendly.

Ignoring me is fine, but not speaking to her own child because it was using my phone, that's petty

Well, you set her up to fail there, didn’t you? How would she know it was her child on the end of the phone and not you?

I'm wondering if she's jealous of you perhaps. Are you younger than her...better looking objectively? She might feel insecure around you and not want to get close

She couldn’t just have no interest whatsoever in any kind of relationship with her ex’s new partner? I am afraid that I am cut from the same cloth. I expect the ex to pick up the children so that if there is a need to handover anything, we can do that face to face. That we meet occasionally in that way is important, I think. I don’t expect him to send someone else - they’re his children. I certainly have no intention of being ‘close’ with any of his new partners. None of that means I am jealous or think they are prettier than me. It’s just practicalities.,

Thing is with pick up, it is much easier for me to do it, they live 30 mins away from us. I work 5 minutes from where they live. DH works 30 mins the other way from our home. So I can pick them up earlier and be home for around the same time as DH with them. If he's late she gets really angry with him but if he has an issue at work then he can't help it where as if I picked them up it would just be easier and no issue with being late or him getting stuck in traffic. But due to her issues with me that can't happen unless DH is really late, if she has plans she will accept me picking them up but always on her terms. If she doesn't have plans she'll insist he does it but still be fuming he's late. It's just unnecessary.

I don't want to be friends, I don't want to force a relationship. Just some acceptance. Being able to not feel awkward if I need to pick them up.

I don't know how anyone can think it's fine for her to ignore me. Baffles me how someone can think it's acceptable to completely ignore and rude to another person for no justifiable reason. There's being friends and theirs being adults!!

@rainbowrainfall For what it's worth, I agree with you. No you don't need to be friends or force small talk but you're adults and you'd expect her to at least acknowledge the person who spends time with her DC. I find it bizarre!

She is right to be fuming if he is late picking up his children for his time with them. he is responsible for them. Don't take on the responsibility of picking them up and making sure they are collected on time. I wouldn't want to answer a facetime call from my exes phone, it's too intrusive , time off from my kids is spent cleaning, catching up on life admin, the last thing I want to do is have an awkward video call, I bet she doesn't video call every time their DC do something interesting, and if she did you would probably find that a bit much and intrusive on your time together.

She sounds awful, OP, and you sound lovely. The DCs will work that out quite easily.

But again her daughter wanted to speak to her mum, if I'd said no you can't FaceTime your mum then that would be an issue too. Really a situation I couldn't of won.

As for collecting, why would you be angry if someone's running late? Things happen, things go wrong. It's not weekly, it's occasionally. If there an accident on the motorway, that can't be helped so why would you get angry about it?

And this is the issue, no flexibility. He can't be late, I can't pick them up so there are times when it's kicks off. I don't get angry if my ex is late picking my children up, he doesn't do it intentionally. He doesn't sit at work and think stuff it I'll pop to the pub before I fetch the kids. I genuinely just don't understand why she has the right to be angry if there's a hold up he can't avoid.

And to add.. it is his responsibility if he's late, which is why he'll offer for me to get them. She's just completely unreasonable. There's no need for it.

In your OP you said you're cautious of the boundaries and you don't overstep, but the times she won't engage with you or the times when your DH has abdicated responsibility to you. Not picking them up in time. Leaving when his DC happens to have written a song, leaving you sorting out DC's wish to have facetime contact there and then with their mum. You have a DH problem, not a birth mother problem. He seems flaky and has other priorities, leaving you to overstep boundaries because you know she doesn't want contact with you and he is putting both of you in this position.

But again her daughter wanted to speak to her mum, if I'd said no you can't FaceTime your mum then that would be an issue too. Really a situation I couldn't of won

This can be overcome with a PAYG for contact, perhaps?

I understand why you find it frustrating but pick up is his responsibility and communication should be between the parents. She doesn’t want any kind of relationship with you so I would respect that rather than try and push against it. It might not be how you would do things ideally but it works for her. It might be the case for her that she prefers to say nothing than say something she might regret - my ex isn’t daft enough to turn up with new partners and pop them on my doorstep but if he did, I suspect I would have a hard time not making passive-aggressive comments. Nothing to do with the partner and everything to do with the liar and unpleasant person my ex is! Dignified silence is best!