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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DM doesn't like DSC.

47 replies

StarLiner · 23/02/2021 15:35

My DM that is.

She was going to come and visit today, I popped out this morning, to the shop and take my DS to the playground. I phoned my DM and explained the DSC were still with us but that she is welcome to still come over.

She was really mean about it and said why do they keep staying over extra nights, costing us more money, etc. This isn't the first time she's made comments to insinuate that she doesn't like them much and would prefer if they weren't around.

It's really upsetting when she behaves like this because it creates such an awful atmosphere and heightens tensions between her and DH.

I don't suppose there's an answer really as she isn't going to change.

The worst part was, she did come over and made a few homophobic comments in front the DSC. DSD is gay. And it was awful and uncomfortable. DM doesn't actually know but it doesn't matter. Her comments were out of line in this respect and I did challenge her about them.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpied · 23/02/2021 15:37

There is an answer: Keep her as far away as possible from DSC.

JesusAteMyHamster · 23/02/2021 15:39

Why are you subjecting them to this behaviour ? I wouldn't have her in the house. Confused

weemouse · 23/02/2021 15:40

Please do not bring your mother round again when DSC are there. You don't say what ages they are, but whatever they age, they will most certainly pick up on her negative vibes and vitriol, and you must protect them from that.

Have you called her out directly on her comments (apart from the homophobic ones)?

You will need to let her know you now come as a blended family unit, and she can take all of you, or not at all.

She sounds awful.

weemouse · 23/02/2021 15:43

oh and your husband should call her out on it, every single time.

Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 15:46

My husband is furious about today, he was at work but I've filled him in on what happened.

Usually, she's absolutely lovely to them in person, though they don't see her often. It's just to me when we are alone that she makes snide comments about them and makes it clear she would rather they weren't around.

And as for the homophobic stuff, that wasn't directed at DSD as DM doesn't know she's gay. It started because I bought DS a pair of sparkly trainers this morning and DM was saying I should put them in the bin, etc. Then he wanted to play dress up and put some lipstick on.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 23/02/2021 15:47

She wouldn't be welcome in my home again. Neither your DSC nor DC need to be anywhere near someone making homophobic comments.

grapewine · 23/02/2021 15:48

@weemouse

oh and your husband should call her out on it, every single time.
This. She sounds awful.

Keep her away from them for their sakes.

Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 15:51

@lunar1

She wouldn't be welcome in my home again. Neither your DSC nor DC need to be anywhere near someone making homophobic comments.
I know, I don't want anyone spouting those views in front of my DS and I won't have her telling him he can't have sparkly shoes if he wants sparkly shoes. She even had a go about a pair of leggings he was wearing a few weeks ago.
OP posts:
Wankerchief · 23/02/2021 15:52

Why the fuck would you want such a horrible woman around any children?

grapewine · 23/02/2021 15:52

Doesn't matter that the comments weren't directed at them. It matters that she made the comments at all.

OhCaptain · 23/02/2021 15:54

You must have known that you’d get everyone telling you not to have her in the house anymore.

Why did you start the thread?

Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 15:58

@OhCaptain

You must have known that you’d get everyone telling you not to have her in the house anymore.

Why did you start the thread?

I don't know. She can be so utterly toxic but she's still my Mum. And she doesn't have anyone else. She adores DS. It's just she can be so vile and she can also be really horrible about DH too. Tensions between them really isn't good.
OP posts:
SimonJT · 23/02/2021 16:02

I wouldn’t let her in the home again.

If my partner continued inviting someone like this to our home I would have to seriously rethink the relationship due to the welfare of my son.

PurpleMustang · 23/02/2021 16:27

OP why are you stuck in the belief that 'oh but she's my mum', she is rude and toxic and homophones end of. Mum or not. Just because she is your Mum gives her no right to be able to do that in your home. Yes she could argue she could to others and in her own home but you need to step up set boundaries and say not around you or your family or in your house. If she was a friend would it be ok? No. And it isn't ok because its your Mum. In classic MN style your husband has a wife problem not a MIL problem because you need to set the boundaries, you are allowing this.

PurpleMustang · 23/02/2021 16:28

Damn auto correct, homophobic not homophones

PurpleMustang · 23/02/2021 16:29

Think you need to find the, stately homes thread and get out of the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt

Sally872 · 23/02/2021 16:36

Have an honest conversation about how this makes you feel and see if she can stop it. Something like

"mum, it is really upsetting you don't like dsc's being around. They are part of my family I need you to accept them or at the very least keep your opinions to yourself. If you can't change then I will have to keep dsc separate from you to protect their feelings/self esteem. I will not limit their time here so unfortunately we cannot see you as often as I would like"

PickleStick · 23/02/2021 16:38

Why do you feel the need to 'fill yourself husband in' when he wasn't even there? I think you're fuelling some of this tbh

The obvious answer is to not have her round when you're step children are there

Iloveacurry · 23/02/2021 16:40

She sounds vile. And ‘she hasn’t got anyone else’. I wonder why.

imalmostthere · 23/02/2021 16:44

Sorry, but after today you can't let her around those children again. Your poor SD. Even if she wasn't gay, she shouldn't be spouting that rubbish in front of ANY child. Children are impressionable, and she is meant to be a role model. Either tell her to act like an adult around your DS, or stop all contact.
As far as your DSC- you'd be a terrible step parent to subject them to your "D"M again.

Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 16:45

@PickleStick

Why do you feel the need to 'fill yourself husband in' when he wasn't even there? I think you're fuelling some of this tbh

The obvious answer is to not have her round when you're step children are there

I told my husband because I like to talk to him about things that upset me and actually I think he had a right to know.
OP posts:
SimonJT · 23/02/2021 16:47

@PickleStick

Why do you feel the need to 'fill yourself husband in' when he wasn't even there? I think you're fuelling some of this tbh

The obvious answer is to not have her round when you're step children are there

A parent needs to know when their child has been exposed to someone like that. Would you be happy if it had happened in your home and a partner kept it a secret?
Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 16:48

She loves me and DS. Very much. She seems to have a problem sometimes with my DH and doesn't like his family. I don't like the way she treats me sometimes, the things she says, etc. But I'm used to that. She can be very controlling and domineering. She comment on the state of my house to DSS when she was here, and bless him he defended me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarLiner · 23/02/2021 16:51

And no, I really really don't want those views in my house because I think they're disgusting.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 23/02/2021 16:59

I'm not sure what you are gaining from this relationship, you haven't said one positive thing about her and admit she can be vile etc. It sounds like she is jealous of your "family" and you say she has noone else.

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