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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DM doesn't like DSC.

47 replies

StarLiner · 23/02/2021 15:35

My DM that is.

She was going to come and visit today, I popped out this morning, to the shop and take my DS to the playground. I phoned my DM and explained the DSC were still with us but that she is welcome to still come over.

She was really mean about it and said why do they keep staying over extra nights, costing us more money, etc. This isn't the first time she's made comments to insinuate that she doesn't like them much and would prefer if they weren't around.

It's really upsetting when she behaves like this because it creates such an awful atmosphere and heightens tensions between her and DH.

I don't suppose there's an answer really as she isn't going to change.

The worst part was, she did come over and made a few homophobic comments in front the DSC. DSD is gay. And it was awful and uncomfortable. DM doesn't actually know but it doesn't matter. Her comments were out of line in this respect and I did challenge her about them.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2021 17:06

I think just keep her away from the dsc. She doesn’t have to like them or have a relationship with them so there’s no point in forcing her. So the best way to deal with this is to just let her see you and DS without the DSC around.

If it wasn’t for the homophobic comments, I would be saying is she concerned and just looking out for you. When I was a stepparent, my best friend had many opinions on the matter which to some would be seen as unpleasant but were actually came from a place of concern and love for me and my children.

SuperPixie247 · 23/02/2021 17:25

IME, some older generations struggle with the notion of step-children. It just wasn't a thing 40/50+ years ago.

That obviously does not apply to everyone and definitely does not make it okay for your DM to make those kind of remarks.

FWIW, I would have told DH too. We talk about our days and I would rather he hear from me that DM was making those comments then the DSC.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2021 17:40

My husband is furious about today, he was at work but I've filled him in on what happened.

Why would you do this?
You know he already isn't keen on her, it makes no sense to have told him what she said.

You should have simply dealt with it yourself.

You telling him only serves to make their relationship worse.

I don't agree with her behaviour, but she has to accept that you chose to marry a man who already has children. I wouldn't want that for my DD, but being mean about them is uncalled for.

Tell her that while she has her opinion, you'd prefer if she kept it to herself as far as the DSC are concerned.

Wimpeyspread · 23/02/2021 17:51

IME, some older generations struggle with the notion of step-children. It just wasn't a thing 40/50+ years ago

Strange observation - have remarriages really only been around for 40 years? What about Cinderella ?

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2021 17:54

I would keep your relationship with your mum separate to your SC. She doesn't have to like them or spend time with them but equally you don't have to stop your or your DS's relationship with her. I would tell her that you will only see her when they're not around in future, but that you'd appreciate if she in return stopped making so many negative comments, because it is negatively affecting you and putting you in an impossible position.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2021 18:09

IME, some older generations struggle with the notion of step-children. It just wasn't a thing 40/50+ years ago

I tend to agree with this. It will have happened then of course, but it wasn't common...just like divorce wasn't as common as it is now.

Having said that, she should keep her views to herself as this was your choice.

OP.. is it that she doesn't like the SC...or doesn't like that you married a man who already has kids?

Did she voice her opinion before you married him?

Original poster

StarLiner · 23/02/2021 18:11

She doesn't like the fact I married a man with children. She talks about them like they're and inconvenience and she'd rather they weren't around but sometimes, her annoyance about the fact I married a man with children occasionally extends to personal jibes about them too. Like the eldest is lazy, the youngest is whiny and rude, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarLiner · 23/02/2021 18:12

And tbh, she does avoid coming over if they are here. She won't come at Christmas if they are here and will avoid family birthdays if they are attending. Today was unfortunate because usually she wouldn't come if they are around.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/02/2021 18:33

She doesn't like the fact I married a man with children. She talks about them like they're and inconvenience and she'd rather they weren't around

Tbh a lot of SMs seem to feel this way for whatever reason from my reading this forum, but she needs to understand this is your choice and you're happy with it.

Maybe she's known stepfamilies that were it was difficult and didn't want that for you.

The negativity and snide comments are unhelpful. You don't need to ban her from your house, just tell her to stop with the comments.

Kids can sometimes be lazy and whiny, but I'm sure she wouldn't say that if it was your DC.

It's quite sad in a way, because you know you can't ever moan to her about the DSC... as you'll get no support.

PickleStick · 23/02/2021 19:20

@SimonJT I honestly wouldn't care less tbh. She's not some violent abusive monster - and the answer seems simple enough. Keep them separated

SuperPixie247 · 23/02/2021 19:20

I did say in my own experience but I did come from a very sheltered background

Did Cinderella remarry?!

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2021 19:29

Tbh a lot of SMs seem to feel this way for whatever reason from my reading this forum, but she needs to understand this is your choice and you're happy with it. Maybe she's known stepfamilies that were it was difficult and didn't want that for you. The negativity and snide comments are unhelpful

Well yes, having been a SM, I would be gutted if my daughter went down the same path, and would probably be inclined to try and talk her out of it. Partly with the gift of hindsight, because I know the hardship and stress it causes compared to a conventional relationship, and partly because we tend to want better for our kids than what we have perhaps accepted for ourselves. The trouble is, as you say, snide comments are reductive and not helpful the way advice to consider the impact the situation is having on herself, expressed from a place of love, might be.

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2021 21:20

I totally agree and I would be the same with my children. Especially my daughter, having been the female stepparent myself in the past.

The trouble is, as you say, snide comments are reductive and not helpful the way advice to consider the impact the situation is having on herself, expressed from a place of love, might be.

Yes I agree with this too. The constant snide comments aren’t helpful and I don’t think I would be like that. But I would most likely give my honest opinions if I was ever asked.

And to be honest, if I ever felt like my children were getting shitted or my biological grandchildren were getting shitted on like me and and my children constantly were, then I would speak to my child out of concern and love.

Sillysandy · 24/02/2021 09:06

I get it OP. She's your mum. My DF was a very difficult man who held appalling racist and sexist views. I often wondered how my SIL could remain calm while he spouted bile around her children. He really loved them though.

Talk to her if you think it will help. Or keep her away while they're here. Don't try to referee between her and your DH, they are all adults.

SpongebobNoPants · 24/02/2021 10:10

My mum isn’t particularly keen on my SCs and although she wouldn’t deliberately avoid them, she may coordinate her visits for days they’re not here.
She did like them at first but has seen how much turmoil they’ve caused and upset her GCs at times so she’s entitled to have whatever opinion she has of them.

She would not, however, be allowed to call them names, spout inappropriate views in front of them (she doesn’t hold any awful views though) or make them feel uncomfortable. My SCs actually love my mum and my DP has no idea she doesn’t really like them very much because she’s lovely when she sees them.

My point being, your DM doesn’t have to like your SCs but she shouldn’t come anywhere near them if she’s going to be rude / homophobic / sexist in front of them.

Keep your relationship with your DM separate. No one will be upset, no one’s feelings need to be hurt. Just see her when they’re not there.

Chewbecca · 24/02/2021 10:20

I totally get you OP, she sounds a bit like my Mum.

My mum complains about my DSS, not massively, just little things. She just doesn’t feel the family ties with them that let you see them through rose tinted glasses. My mum now complains about me looking after my step grand child who I adore and have known since birth.

I largely ignore her, occasionally correct her, for example ‘would you have a problem with me helping my DS financially’, pointing out it’s just the same for DH. Somehow she sees his DC as scroungers but our DC are not.

My mum can be an awful person but, like yours, she is my mum & I care a lot about her.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 24/02/2021 10:28

Big mistake to tell your DH everything when he isn't even there! What could you hope to achieve with this. I'd distance myself from DM, see her alone occasionally, on your terms with your DS and keep her away from the rest of your family. Her loss if she wants to miss xmas/birthdays etc, let her crack on.

Sarcobaleno · 24/02/2021 10:35

She sounds very mean. You married a man with kids, in my view that's a commitment to them too. You need to back them if she's being unpleasant. No room for homophobia. And if she chooses not to come at Christmas etc, tough shit on her.

Anuta77 · 24/02/2021 16:13

So your mother loves you and her grandchild, she's lovely in front of SC, but has outdated views and she's not happy that you married a man with kids. It doesn't sound THAT terrible. Nothing that can not be solved by talking to her seriously.

You are writing on this board where most people will judge her and you complain to your husband who gets upset, thus reducing even more the hope for a good relationship between them, but have you tried talking seriously to her? She loves you and your child, surely inside her she wants to have a good relationship. Tell her that you love her and that a peaceful relationship would make you feel good. Tell her that seeing her at odds with his father and sibling will make her grandson feel uncomfortable one day as he loves them. Let her think about it.

And DON'T report everything to your husband. You love your mom, you will forgive her, but not him.

My grandmother was apparently a very difficult person and she also wasn't crazy about my dad or the fact that my mom decided to have a second child (my sister). My mom talked to her and I don't remember any difference in how she treated me or my sister. I only know this because she told me when I was an adult. By the way, my grandmother was very judgemental, a couple of times she said some things that were not very appropriate, but it wasn't often and really wasn't a big deal as she did more good things and I didn't expect an older person who have modern views really.

SandyY2K · 24/02/2021 16:31

Tell her that seeing her at odds with his father and sibling will make her grandson feel uncomfortable one day as he loves them. Let her think about it.

These are very wise words .

And DON'T report everything to your husband. You love your mom, you will forgive her, but not him.

Totally agree with this too.

YoniAndGuy · 25/02/2021 17:49

She adores your son?

Really? That's your definition?

'She absolutely adores DS! She does her best to undermine our parenting by being slighting about his father, and spouting bigoted crap in front of him, sometimes even at him -she tried to shame him recently by slagging off something he was wearing. She dislikes his step-siblings to the point that she rarely sees them - DS will soon notice that, bless him, it will be another thing he'll see and think, ahh, Granny, so loving! She loves him so much that she definitely won't set aside any of her wants for his needs, such as seeing him at Christmas if his step-siblings are here. It's much more important for her to make it as clear as she can to DS that his family is slightly undesirable in her eyes! I can only imagine the confusion, divided loyalties and sadness as he grows older and starts to feel uncomfortable with the views she has. Ahh, she adores him!'

MzHz · 28/02/2021 08:09

She comment on the state of my house to DSS when she was here

For this alone she’d not cross my threshold again!

How dare she. With her vile comments on top of this? WTAF!?

She IS NOT nice to you or your DS. Love? No. That’s not what love is. Is that the way YOU treat your ds? No it’s not.

Distance yourself and keep her away from both dc as much as possible

I suspect she’s done a massive number on you and you’re conditioned to her control, manipulating and abusive ways.

It’s good that you talk to your h about this, it’s important he knows what’s happening

Talk some more and discuss what your boundaries are

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