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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter, 7-year-old jealousy issue.

38 replies

TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 08:08

I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first. Partner has a daughter who is 7. I have been in her life since she was 3.

We told her I was pregnant last weekend and she was so excited, we got her a big sister necklace and she was really happy.

This weekend she saw I got the baby a story book. She asked her it was for her, I said it’s for the baby, you can read it if you like. She walked off, slammed her bedroom door, put all the gifts I had got her in the front room, turned all the pictures of us upside down and scribbled over a note I wrote her the night before it read ‘see you in the morning, love you’. She’s also continuously made comments that day, the baby will look like you, not daddy. My mummy knows how to do everything, because she had me.

I’ve been nothing but nice to her. I spent so much time doing lovely things with her this weekend. What should I do about this behaviour? I’ve acknowledged her feelings and said it’s normal. But I really don’t want this behaviour to continue, it’s unlike her.

I want to be okay with leaving gifts I got the baby laying around the home. I want to feel okay about talking about the baby. I make sure I don’t do it a lot around her.

She is a very jealous child, she gets upset if we even clap at other children for doing something good. We baby sat a 1 year old and she made it very hard work. Very jealous and demanding, continuing to shut herself in her room. We worked so hard to make her feel included in everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 08:10

When she slammed the door I gave her 5 minutes, I then opened the door and asked if she would like to talk, she said no. She then put a sign on the door saying keep out. She’s very close with my sister and my step daughter said it’s because the new baby is going to tease her.

She’s used to me getting her little things, and when she saw I got the baby something, this happened. I also got her a little gift this weekend.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 22/02/2021 08:12

What did her dad say to her about her behaviour?

Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 08:15

He said he can understand why she is jealous, she kept saying she wasn’t and he said it’s unacceptable to treat her step mum like that. He explained that the baby will need new things and that she already has lots of stuff. He said we will be doing things as a family, she might not get all the attention as it will need to be shared but she will have to learn how to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 08:21

He also explained that she’ll still get things and she’ll have some 1-1 time with himself and sometimes with me.

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 22/02/2021 08:44

Surely it would be better to buy her something when you buy for the baby. Also involve her in the planning. At the moment she feels the way you would if your husband came home and said ‘another woman is moving in. It doesn’t mean I do love you, but we are all going to live together”.

MashNgravy · 22/02/2021 08:53

OP you sound like a lovely stepmum and you've done all the right things. What's your relationship like with SDs mum? How often is SD with you? It will take time and lots of reassurance. I don't think you need to hide baby things away and I don't think you need to buy SD things every time you buy something for the baby (as SD already has the things she needs but baby doesn't). That will make things harder in the long run.
I found "the second baby book" by Sarah ockwell smith very helpful, and also "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".
Ultimately though keep doing what you're doing, lots of 1 to 1 time with both of you, lots of reassurance. It'll take some time but she will get there x

Shinesun14 · 22/02/2021 08:57

I would say things like - you're such a kind lovely person, the baby will be so lucky to have you as the best big sister ever - and keep repeating it. She will then start to see herself as being a kind big sister.

PearlescentIridescent · 22/02/2021 09:03

I'm glad her dad said that - I wouldn't be describing these things as "gifts" as they're not - new baby needs things for when they come into the world. Can she help choose a couple of things? A set of babygros?

it sounds difficult but she is seven and I think you have to take any emotion or worry about baby out of this. She just needs help adjusting to the idea, she will say things intended to hurt but again, she's seven, they can be risen above and called out, gently and kindly, followed by positive affirmations.

Muskox · 22/02/2021 09:17

OP you sound like a lovely step mum, and you and your partner have done all the right things here.

I just want to pick up on your statement I really don't want this behaviour to continue, it's unlike her. It doesn't actually sound like it is unlike her? You've mentioned that she is a jealous child in general. A difficult lesson of parenting is that we can't just stop the personality traits or behaviour that we don't like in our DC - we can do our best, but we may not succeed. I learnt this when DS2 went through a phase of hitting other children at age 2 - I was mortified and I tried SO hard to stop him, but nothing worked! Eventually he just stopped.

Remember that jealousy of a sibling is very normal even in a nuclear family. You can't stop her from feeling this way, and showing it in her behaviour. Your job is to continue to help her manage her feelings, deal calmly and firmly (but compassionately) with bad behaviour, and wait for this stage to pass. It will eventually! Good luck!

Fastestbrownie · 22/02/2021 09:44

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Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 09:51

Thank you for all of your responses xx

She is with us every weekend, Friday to Sunday. We’ve had some difficulty with SD mum, which I keep myself out of. She’s constantly putting down the dad in front of my SD. He’s lazy, he’s this, he’s that, and she picks it all up. He honestly is a great dad. She’s moved on so I don’t know what it’s about.

We reassure her constantly, you’ll be a great sister, you are so smart, they’ll learn so much from you. I said on the weekend we should go out and she can pick something for her new sibling.

I don’t think we should buy her things when I’m buying the baby essential stuff, like I said in the post, I had already got her a gift on the weekend. She gets a lot of toys from us.

I meant it’s unlike her to personally get angry with me, scribble over my note, take down drawing etc. She’s usually hugging me and saying love you.

She is only just starting to sleep through the night with us. She didn’t like that we were doing something without her. She shows jealousy towards her dad hugging me, which is a new thing. Her jealousy was always aimed towards other children, even the cats.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2021 09:52

Gosh, I would really struggle with this. I agree with the PP that said it sounds very much like this is like her. Jealousy is a trait she needs to grow out of.

I definitely wouldn't buy her something every time you buy something for the baby, obviously if you buy one of them a lollipop down the line you should get one for them both, but it's unsustainable (not to mention ridiculous) to have to buy her a gift when you buy practical things for the baby. I think your DH's explanation about that was pretty good.

You have a long way to go until the baby is born, so I would suggest you both just carry on responding the way you did before, and hope she begins to adjust before the baby is born.

Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 09:55

We’ve also noticed, before she found out I was pregnant that she was reverting back to speaking like a baby, asking to be carried, saying that she couldn’t do anything herself, wanting to go on all the baby rides.

I just want the best for her and I want to know we are doing the right thing. I want her to feel including and part of the family. I truly care and love her.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 22/02/2021 09:57

At the moment she feels the way you would if your husband came home and said ‘another woman is moving in. It doesn’t mean I do love you, but we are all going to live together”.
@mdh2020 I'm sorry but that is the most ludicrous comparison I've seen yet on here and that's saying something!
The baby is going to be this child's sibling ffs - not a romantic or sexual threat to her father's attention.
As another poster has stated she actually does sound like an extremely jealous child & maybe that is just her nature & with the right handling she will grow out of it or at least come to know when such feelings are inappropriate.
Furthermore buying her something every time something needs to be bought for the baby is no way to handle this - it just sets up a bad precedence whereby the baby can get nothing, be that material or emotional without his/her sister having to get it too.
Nuclear families don't work like that & neither should blended ones.
@TeaBookcats it sounds to me like your partner handled things very well & I'd keep up all the positive affirming of what a great big sister she'll be & how special she is to both of you.

Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 09:57

I’ve reading everything and it’s very helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
EsmeeMerlin · 22/02/2021 10:07

Some children are just jealous. My sister was really bad when our younger brother was born and I deal with jealously from ds1 still now with ds2 and ds2 is 3 next week. He sulked for the entire weekend when he found out he was having a brother, he wanted to be the only boy.

My advice would be to not force her excitement over a sibling, just take it at her own speed, when baby is here, try and make sure she has 1 on 1 time. She may well be better when baby is actually here.

I also wouldn’t buy something for her when buying for the baby. That is not only expensive but also will be spoiling your dsd. She does need to learn that baby will need things that she already has.

JE17 · 22/02/2021 10:11

I think it's fairly normal for older siblings to be jealous even when there's no blended family context. From my own experience as the child in this situation, I just thought my Dad would love me less. In my child logic, how could he not when he loves the Mum and he doesn't even like my Mum? He and my DSM did not have any of the consideration which you seem to have though so never once tried to reassure me. I think your DH has to be the one here to make sure that she knows that nothing changes in terms of the love.

Muskox · 22/02/2021 10:22

Regressing, baby talk etc is also very very common when a new baby is on the way!

Original poster
TeaBookcats · 22/02/2021 10:24

She started doing that before she knew she was having a new sibling x

OP posts:
Fastestbrownie · 22/02/2021 10:57

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bjjgirl · 22/02/2021 11:31

Don't reward this behaviour or you will reinforce the manipulation

Talk to her, don't accept bad behaviour- consistency is key and lots of reassurance

NewScone · 22/02/2021 11:54

I wouldn't take her shopping for something for the baby. It doesn't sound like she would enjoy it. Is her dad spending quality one to one time with her?

NewScone · 22/02/2021 11:55

But sounds like your OH did the right thing telling her its not acceptable to be rude to you.

NewScone · 22/02/2021 11:56

Oh and don't panic, you're only 15 weeks gone so she is still getting used to the idea.

MeltedCioccolato · 22/02/2021 12:09

She's feeling threatened and is responding in the only way she knows how. She will get used to the idea though - it will just take time. My youngest sounds similar (at around age 7) as she used to get very jealous of the dog when she was a puppy if we ever praised her for doing a wee outside etc. If I said something like "what a good dog" my daughter would stomp off crying saying "And I'm stupid". She came around after a few weeks - she loved the dog all along but I think she was worried the dog was replacing her in our affections.

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