Step daughter, 7-year-old jealousy issue.

[TeaBookcats]

I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first. Partner has a daughter who is 7. I have been in her life since she was 3.

We told her I was pregnant last weekend and she was so excited, we got her a big sister necklace and she was really happy.

This weekend she saw I got the baby a story book. She asked her it was for her, I said it’s for the baby, you can read it if you like. She walked off, slammed her bedroom door, put all the gifts I had got her in the front room, turned all the pictures of us upside down and scribbled over a note I wrote her the night before it read ‘see you in the morning, love you’. She’s also continuously made comments that day, the baby will look like you, not daddy. My mummy knows how to do everything, because she had me.

I’ve been nothing but nice to her. I spent so much time doing lovely things with her this weekend. What should I do about this behaviour? I’ve acknowledged her feelings and said it’s normal. But I really don’t want this behaviour to continue, it’s unlike her.

I want to be okay with leaving gifts I got the baby laying around the home. I want to feel okay about talking about the baby. I make sure I don’t do it a lot around her.

She is a very jealous child, she gets upset if we even clap at other children for doing something good. We baby sat a 1 year old and she made it very hard work. Very jealous and demanding, continuing to shut herself in her room. We worked so hard to make her feel included in everything.

Rather than thinking about it as 'behaviour', I would try to think about it as feelings. She's clearly struggling with the idea of not being the baby anymore...understandable, it's all she's known. I wonder whether focussing on the benefits of being the oldest child might be fruitful. Things like 'when the baby comes, it won't be able to go on the park for a long time, that's just for bigger kids like you.' Or 'you and I will need to have some big girl days, just for us, as the baby will be too young for that yet'. Or maybe ask her for advice on what things she thinks the baby might need to get as smart as she is. Or can you learn to make baby purées or something together as the bigger girls in the family. Or can you tell her stories from growing up where the older sibling was the hero? I think she needs time to appreciate her new position in the family. Seems like her general self esteem could do with a boost if she's generally exhibiting jealous behaviour.

I would say to see how things go and you don't necessarily need to "do" anything. She's only recently been told and it will take a while to calm down from the instinct of feeling threatened. Try to see it as she's scared of what's going to change for her and unlike an adult cannot process those feelings to verbalise so is showing you with her behaviour. Give her time.

@mdh2020

Surely it would be better to buy her something when you buy for the baby. Also involve her in the planning. At the moment she feels the way you would if your husband came home and said ‘another woman is moving in. It doesn’t mean I do love you, but we are all going to live together”.

What? Seriously?

@Muskox

OP you sound like a lovely step mum, and you and your partner have done all the right things here.

I just want to pick up on your statement I really don't want this behaviour to continue, it's unlike her. It doesn't actually sound like it is unlike her? You've mentioned that she is a jealous child in general. A difficult lesson of parenting is that we can't just stop the personality traits or behaviour that we don't like in our DC - we can do our best, but we may not succeed. I learnt this when DS2 went through a phase of hitting other children at age 2 - I was mortified and I tried SO hard to stop him, but nothing worked! Eventually he just stopped.

Remember that jealousy of a sibling is very normal even in a nuclear family. You can't stop her from feeling this way, and showing it in her behaviour. Your job is to continue to help her manage her feelings, deal calmly and firmly (but compassionately) with bad behaviour, and wait for this stage to pass. It will eventually! Good luck!

Totally agree with this.

And also with the idea that you should not have to buy something for DSD whenever you buy something for the baby. But do get her a small gift from the baby when s/he arrives.

Have you tried the “you will be such a great help” and “we are looking forward to still doing so many big girl things with you because the baby can’t play Such and such game or go on the swings or read books or make cupcakes with me” etc?

She is only just starting to sleep through the night with us. She didn’t like that we were doing something without her.

Just noticed this, OP. Does that mean she didn’t stay with you or stayed with you but had trouble sleeping?

Does her mum have any new children? Some of things you quite DSD saying sounded like they could have come from mum, rather than a 7yo.

I agree with PP, I smell bullshit being shovelled by the mother.
We are lucky that my DSDs mum seems to actually put her daughters feelings first and has always to our knowledge been positive about my DS around DSD, although privately between her and DH my pregnancy went down like a fart in a lift.
That maturity absolutely shows in DSDs relationship with DS. She has permission love him, she knows she’s not been replaced by him, she’s proud to show him off to her mum when he’s there at handover.
If her mum hadn’t been on board with getting this right for DSD, I expect she would have struggled every bit as much as the DSD here.
RPs have more power than even they realise sometimes I think.
And for gods sake DO NOT get into the habit of buying her something every time your baby needs something. Ridiculously expensive and unnecessary.
You don’t need to feel guilty for providing for your child.

First of all I think it was way too soon to tell her about the pregnancy but it’s done now .
I think when you have her for the weekends , just stop talking about the new baby unless she asks.
Nearer the time , you can involve her in the planning , maybe get her some big sister books that talk about a new baby in the family .
For now , just do what you normally do with her.
Also remember we are in lockdown, she’s probably frustrated anyway . By the time the baby comes, hopefully we will all be in a better situation and she will be kept busy with school , play dates and activities

It’s a very abstract concept for her to understand, it’s going to take more than one conversation and a gift for her to get on board and get her head around it. I wonder why you decided to tell her so early?

I'd say make sure she's being told off when she's naughty or rude, but other than that don't try and turn her feelings about the baby positive yet.

I'm sure she'll love it when it arrives but tbh she sounds like a very jealous child and it will be more hassle than it's worth trying to convince her to be happy about it beforehand.

And definitely don't buy her something every time you buy the baby something!! That's a mad idea and where does it end??

Also I don't think 15 weeks is early to tell her about the new baby, particularly as other family members such as grandparents and aunties/uncles etc will have been informed and might be likely to mention it in passing by accident. Better than her dad and SM tell her before that happens.

@Youseethethingis - I agree with you totally. My dc really needed my permission to love their dad's 2 babies when they came along. They needed my positivity & to know I was ok. I bought both babies gifts when they were born & popped in to see them when they came home from hospital (waited for an invite obviously). When my dc were younger I would help them buy Christmas & birthday gifts for their younger siblings & I ALWAYS spoke about their dad having more dc in a positive way.
The difference it makes is unreal & my dc, their df, sm & half siblings have none of the issues you read of on here. In this respect the rp really does have all the power & all too often it is woefully abused.

Just let her sit with it for a while. None of this 'let's go shopping so you can pick something out for the baby' crap. Don't get me wrong, your intentions are absolutely in the right place, but now is not the right time. Later. She WILL come around to the idea, and that's something fun you can do later on when she's more settled to the idea.

I agree with this. Also please DO NOT buy her something every time you buy something for the baby, that will not improve her behaviour and it will be never ending.

Let her come round to the idea but any bad / rude behaviour needs dealing with straight away. Don’t feel guilty about any of this - this is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR baby.

I hope you have an enjoyable, healthy pregnancy. Congratulations. 💐

If she was showing some concerning behaviours before the news about the baby + the mother manipulating, I would bring her to a children's psychologist. Even adults who know that in some situations jealosy is not appropriate have trouble managing their feelings sometimes, so imagine a young child. The fact that she's even jealous of cats...Nobody knows, but why would this behaviour go away on its own when the baby is born? Besides compassion for her, you, as a new mother, might find it stressful and unpleasant.

Everybody's experience is different, but in mine, children's behaviour can be affected by a new baby in ways we don't imagine. Both my son (9 at the time) and SD (11) changed when my 2nd baby was born.
SD used to be a positive sweet girl with NO signs of jealousy, not even when she saw signs of affection between me and her dad, became very jealous, not of the baby, but of his relationship with me(!), which was extremely unpleasant. My son developped other issues and bringing him to a psychologist did wonders for him.