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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dad / Potential Step Dad- spending more time SC

39 replies

stout01 · 18/02/2021 17:44

Hi. Hoping to get views from Moms and Dads with this experience.

In early stages of talking about meeting each others kids which I think in time is likely to lead to us living together (could be a year or two).

I would live with partner and her son. I have kids of my own which I will see EOW, eldest a bit more than that.

The issue is we live about an hour and a quarter apart (assuming no traffic) and hence whilst I would see my kids more at weekends it makes the logistics more difficult for having in the week (unless not in term time). Ive mentioned to partner about idea that I would keep a place my end and maybe move between houses at least until kids are older. I think the idea would be to fully blend but I think I will need a place of my own until kids are grown as my situation with ex isnt great and I've read a lot on these pages about how things go awry.

Partner is of view that kids shouldn't move between houses so much in week (unless older) which I understand but I kind of feel Im the one that would be making the sacrifices as I'd be living her end and my younger kids are a few years younger than her son

My eldest may move in with me in about three years if I did move (he currently moves between homes) but he would basically have to then make a decision where he spends most his time.

I dont think this would be too big an issue but I think partner is expecting us to live together vast majority of time which I think could put me in a position of having to choose whether to prioritise new life so to speak or insist I spend as much time as needed back my end.

I realise this is hypothetical. If it wasnt for the distance wouldn't be an issue. My gut feel is the next time we speak we talk about what this all looks like as I know she wants to settle in the next few years. Interested in views as not sure if I'm over thinking!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

toobusytothink · 18/02/2021 17:49

Erm yes definitely get a place your end! Why the rush to move in? Or the presumption? Unless you can’t afford it it’s a great idea. Gives you space of your own where you can have your kids and you will get to have them more often. It’s what me and my bf do because he has young kids. Blended families can be tricky ..... am sure you can still spend almost every night with your other half.

helpmum2003 · 18/02/2021 17:53

Agree it's a very sensible idea to have a place in your current area so you can parent your children properly. As they get older you will see them less and less otherwise. They will want to be with friends, near clubs etc at weekends, not over an hour away.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/02/2021 17:54

She sounds a bit desperate. In your position I’d cool things off slightly

Snowymcsnowsony · 18/02/2021 18:06

How would finances work?

LatentPhase · 18/02/2021 18:10

Aren’t you jumping the gun a little (talk of moving in) when you’ve not yet met the dc?

How does your ex feel about that (if things are not great is she discouraging..?) how do the kids feel about it? What if they are like chalk and cheese? What if you both parent totally differently?

Am just saying - it can be an eye opener when you mix the dc. One step at a time, maybe?

Original poster

stout01 · 18/02/2021 18:17

Finances we'd be buying together and going halves. I earn more but she has more disposable income I think, however, I dont need any financial help.

Yeah I do realise its jumping the gun a bit but I know what she wants and I'm just weighing up if this is a go-er.

Thanks for responses.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 18/02/2021 18:28

How old are your respective kids?

Tiredoftattler · 18/02/2021 18:41

As you make a decision, keep in mind that your children only get one childhood and that time once lost cannot be recaptured or regained. Your children may also resent your electively giving up time with them in order to live with a partner who is not making the same sacrifice.

Given that you are no longer with the mother of your children, you have learned that you can survive the loss /change of a relationship partner. It may not be as easy to survive the loss or damage to a relationship with your children.

I would think twice about someone who suggests that you give up something for her that she is not willing to give up for you.

New relationships are relatively easy to find and damaged children are difficult to fix.

lunar1 · 18/02/2021 18:50

Just for clarification as I'm unclear on the wording, does your partner think you shouldn't have mid week time with your children? Or have I misinterpreted the original post?

SandyY2K · 18/02/2021 18:50

Partner is of view that kids shouldn't move between houses so much in week (unless older)

She can have a view, but it's for you and your Ex to decide the arrangements for your children.

which I understand but I kind of feel Im the one that would be making the sacrifices as I'd be living her end and my younger kids are a few years younger than her son

I agree. You should be cautious of any partner who wants it all to suit them.

If your eldest may want to live with you in a few years, bear this in mind, as if you're quite far away from their friends and social network...they may not be keen.

She will do what's best for her kids, you need to do what's best for yours and maintaining a good relationship with them.

Original poster

stout01 · 18/02/2021 18:50

My kids are from 6 youngest to 13 oldest. Her child is close in age to my eldest.

Tiredoftattler- yeah that's exactly my thoughts and worries. I partly posted on here to see if I would get views in line with my thinking or not. Having a home my end seems the logical thing to do. I'd try the blending and I'm sure I can spwnd plenty of time with her but just also being realistic and practical.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 18/02/2021 18:53

I would think twice about someone who suggests that you give up something for her that she is not willing to give up for you.

I agree with this and said something similar in my post.

Original poster

stout01 · 18/02/2021 18:53

@lunar1

Just for clarification as I'm unclear on the wording, does your partner think you shouldn't have mid week time with your children? Or have I misinterpreted the original post?

I think she's happy for me to but given distance unless holiday time I couldnt have time with kids unless I was back my end.

I think she wants to settle with someone which I fully understand just not sure if it will work for us.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 18/02/2021 19:14

I think all you can do is be very honest, that way neither of you has false expectations. There is nothing wrong with what either of you want, it's just not necessarily compatible.

Is a move in between both locations possible if you could both drive for the school run etc?

Theseedsoflife · 18/02/2021 23:28

You need to discuss with her. It wouldn’t work for me having a home with my partner who also has his own place where he has his children. I would worry that there would be a bond between my dp and child but not a bond between myself and his children.

This would make me feel insecure and that I shared my whole life with my partner yet he wouldn’t be sharing his.

This is just my thoughts because after my divorce, I wanted a family unit again and not a part time partner. I made this very clear with my dp from the start that it’s an all or nothing choice with me.

It’s best to be clear about what your expectations are and see if that is what you both want from the relationship, otherwise it won’t work and you waste everyone’s time

Magda72 · 19/02/2021 01:08

@stout01 where do you work? As in do you work where your dc & ex live or do you work where your dp lives?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 01:15

Op is there room in her current home for your kids to sleep or is it more moving from a 2 bed to a 4 bed hence joint finances?

Can you afford to pay your way there plus keep on a house your end?

Personally I don't think you should buy together. I think you should both keep your home, sleep over when you don't have the kids and pay an appropriate amount. I assume she's working so shouldn't impact benefits too much but do check. If you want to do something as a big group weekends an hour each way isn't that bad. You get to keep parenting your kids as you are

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 01:16

This is just my thoughts because after my divorce, I wanted a family unit again and not a part time partner. I made this very clear with my dp from the start that it’s an all or nothing choice with me
The problem is, for op to give that, he has to see how kids less. And I couldn't be with someone who prioritised their kids so badly

LunarCatAndDaffodils · 19/02/2021 01:25

Put your kids first

Apileofballyhoo · 19/02/2021 01:35

God no. Your kids are your kids. Why can't she move to your area?

Starseed2021 · 19/02/2021 02:31

My eldest may move in with me in about three years if I did move
How does your partner feel about this?
It's best agreed upon BEFORE moving in together and buying a house......

And make sure your contribution to the house is ringfenced and a will made making provisions for your child from your share of the estate IF you buy/marry.........

Milkshake7489 · 19/02/2021 03:05

I would have been devastated if my dad had moved an hour away when I was a child. Think your options through carefully (and i would definitely keep a house near your children if you do decide to move).

Don't forget, moving away won't just affect arranged contact, it will remove the option for them to see you ad hoc when they hit their teenage years.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 03:34

If this move isn't good for your children, you don't move. It's that simple.

Original poster

stout01 · 19/02/2021 05:27

I work far closer to where I live. About half hour on train. Although I can wotk from an office either end or from home so that's not really an issue.

Thanks for replies. In my mind I need to keep a place my end and see how we progress. I think we could blend and possibly buy somewhere in say five years but me also keep the place my end.

Like a few have commented if I do move I realise it could have an impact on the kids. I will be clear and see where we go.

OP posts:

Fucket · 19/02/2021 05:44

I assume you have no pressing desire to start a new family with your dp. And on that score I wouldn’t really advise it because that will make children feel pushed out too. I wouldn’t prioritise your dp’s wants over your own. I would wait until your youngest or her youngest have fledged the nest and then move in. This is what my father did, well actually they ended up living together but in 2 separate locations during their retirement. They never kept to one home.

If your dp is pressurising you to move in with her, with you making all the sacrifices on location I would see this as a clear view of how she sees a child’s father, and how important she views her children compared with you and yours. Forgive me if I am wrong but if there is a father on the other side of this blended family, is she willing to move towards you and make it more difficult for him to see his children? Is that fair either?

I wouldn’t trust a woman who would be willing to put herself before the needs of my own children.

I cannot see how you moving away from your children will work out. You seem to have a good thing with contact and a close relationship with your eldest. Remember your choice now has the potential to totally mess up their mental and emotional health.

Anyway I think deep down you know all this and your conscience is shining through.

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