Dad / Potential Step Dad- spending more time SC

[stout01]

Hi. Hoping to get views from Moms and Dads with this experience.

In early stages of talking about meeting each others kids which I think in time is likely to lead to us living together (could be a year or two).

I would live with partner and her son. I have kids of my own which I will see EOW, eldest a bit more than that.

The issue is we live about an hour and a quarter apart (assuming no traffic) and hence whilst I would see my kids more at weekends it makes the logistics more difficult for having in the week (unless not in term time). Ive mentioned to partner about idea that I would keep a place my end and maybe move between houses at least until kids are older. I think the idea would be to fully blend but I think I will need a place of my own until kids are grown as my situation with ex isnt great and I've read a lot on these pages about how things go awry.

Partner is of view that kids shouldn't move between houses so much in week (unless older) which I understand but I kind of feel Im the one that would be making the sacrifices as I'd be living her end and my younger kids are a few years younger than her son

My eldest may move in with me in about three years if I did move (he currently moves between homes) but he would basically have to then make a decision where he spends most his time.

I dont think this would be too big an issue but I think partner is expecting us to live together vast majority of time which I think could put me in a position of having to choose whether to prioritise new life so to speak or insist I spend as much time as needed back my end.

I realise this is hypothetical. If it wasnt for the distance wouldn't be an issue. My gut feel is the next time we speak we talk about what this all looks like as I know she wants to settle in the next few years. Interested in views as not sure if I'm over thinking!

@Fucket

I assume you have no pressing desire to start a new family with your dp. And on that score I wouldn’t really advise it because that will make children feel pushed out too. I wouldn’t prioritise your dp’s wants over your own. I would wait until your youngest or her youngest have fledged the nest and then move in. This is what my father did, well actually they ended up living together but in 2 separate locations during their retirement. They never kept to one home.

If your dp is pressurising you to move in with her, with you making all the sacrifices on location I would see this as a clear view of how she sees a child’s father, and how important she views her children compared with you and yours. Forgive me if I am wrong but if there is a father on the other side of this blended family, is she willing to move towards you and make it more difficult for him to see his children? Is that fair either?

I wouldn’t trust a woman who would be willing to put herself before the needs of my own children.

I cannot see how you moving away from your children will work out. You seem to have a good thing with contact and a close relationship with your eldest. Remember your choice now has the potential to totally mess up their mental and emotional health.

Anyway I think deep down you know all this and your conscience is shining through.

Yes we won't be having kids. I realise everyone is different but I couldn't see having kids with a second partner working for me and she doesn't want more either.

Ive told her I need a home my end until youngest is 16, although that may need to stretch until 18.

There isn't a biological father on the scene (we've not discussed Im just aware something happened which cant have been good). There is a step Dad that is like a Dad to her son. Known him for 5/6 years. Typing this out I realise this all sounds quite messy!

If he keeps pushing you to move knowing this means cutting down on how much YOU see YOIR child, please listen to who she's telling you she is. He child is not more important than yours. You already see them such a tiny amount.

@stout01 I could be wrong but it sounds like your dp wants to discuss moving forward without giving you an awful lot of information to work with.
I think if moving in/blending is on the cards at any point then you need to know her situation re her ex (the father of her dc) & her ex (the step dad like figure) as any issues which may arise from these relationships will have a direct impact on you & therefore your dc.
The reason I asked where you work is that a work commute could affect mid week access to your dc anyway - irrespective of your relationship status.
Obviously I'm only speaking anecdotally here. Although he maintained a house where his ex/dc lived, exdp rarely saw his dc during the week as he travelled with work. This was something that predated me & he never changed it as his work was very unpredictable. He only saw them during the week when he took time off to attend parent teacher evenings & other school events. Otherwise it was weekends & holidays.
On the other hand my exh & I live in the same town & my dc would go to their dad two nights midweek when they were younger. However this gradually became one night & then more or less stopped altogether as going over during the week (they felt) got too messy with school work/kit etc. as they got older. It was just easier for them to be in the one house all week when studying etc.
At one point my exh discussed moving (for work) & my middle guy had a meltdown. Exh took the job but didn't move & a gruelling commute ensued which had him knackered any time he had the kids.
Personally I though my son was very wrong in this & said so at the time. I would have happily facilitated the dc travelling to see their dad as they were all getting older at this point. I also thought my exh was wrong to back down. Said young adult is now mortified at his behaviour & has apologised (unprompted) to his dad & sm for interfering in their adult plans. He now gets that his dad should have done what would have made his life/career easier & admits he equated his dad staying put with love which he now knows is not the case.
My point being that access can change a lot as dc get older & the way you do things now may not always suit re school, work etc. And, you also have to cater to your own needs as a parent & always doing what your dc want (not need) is not necessarily a good thing either. If my exh had communicated better with our ds at the time our ds would have come round as he's a reasonable guy & would have adjusted. Instead he just backed down (doing the Mr. Nice Guy thing) which has left him exhausted & not living where he wants to be. My two eldest are now living away from home, are very independent etc. but exh is stuck here & very frustrated.
It's always a balancing act but knowing your personal deal breakers, communication & flexibility are the biggest assets any parent can have when dealing with dc getting older whether that's in a blended setting or not.
My advice as a parent sort of out the far side is retain your place but be prepared for access to change as your dc get older - school, friends etc. will dictate a lot but imo a parent who sees their dc less (as they get older) because those dc are learning independence & establishing good peer groups & friendships is actually a really good parent.
With respect to blending: given the distances involved blending is unlikely especially as you don't want to do it immediately (which is totally ok) but that leaves you having to mentally adjust to living 2/3 rds with your partner and 1/3 with your dc. This absolutely can be done but it needs boundaries, routine, very open communication & lowered expectations as to what family life 'should' look like.
From my own experience blending is way harder as dc get older due to school, friends, personalities being more set etc. But I also think older dc need to realise that if you're sacrificing elements of your relationship to protect your time with them then they need to respect the time you put aside for your relationship & respect that you will also need some space.

She's at a different place to you in her life. You still have little ones at 6 years old, hers are ready to fly the nest.

This is one of the reasons I would not live with someone with young kids. I might date someone with young kids, but definitely not live with them.

The fact that's she's trying to push your hand doesn't sit well. You need to do what's best for YOUR kids.

@Laeta

She's at a different place to you in her life. You still have little ones at 6 years old, hers are ready to fly the nest.

This is one of the reasons I would not live with someone with young kids. I might date someone with young kids, but definitely not live with them.

The fact that's she's trying to push your hand doesn't sit well. You need to do what's best for YOUR kids.

Yes I think the age disparity, travel distance and the relocating her way dont really work unless there's a compromise. Im happy to date, spend so much time a week with partner and to an extent look at blending but I need to hold back a bit. I suppose these conversations are easier when kids are older and their input can be added.

I take the point you can't always give the kids what they want but I think actively doing something you dont have to do (like work can be a bit out of your hands) isn't going to be viewed well. I suppose ultimately it comes down to how much we are prepared to prioritise ourselves and partner v kids, unless it all falls into place seemlessly (said no one ever on this board haha!)

OP, after my divorce, when I dated I was looking for a companion and a friend. My kids had a very involved father, and I was not looking to blend anything. The dating/relationship was for me, and it did not involve my kids at all. Nor was I involved with his children. We dated for a year before we met each other's kids, and that was only after we had decided that this relationship would possibly lead to marriage.

Neither of us entered the relationship looking for marriage and neither of had a "need " emotional or financial to be married. We never lived together prior to marriage because we never wanted to create some pretend or make believe "family" structure/unit for our respective children.

Both sets of children had established family units and structures and did not need the confusion of live in partners who were but were not real parts of the family unit and later might be no part at all.

Waiting for marriage to live together was perhaps the wisest decision that we made. The children got to know us and each other with no pressure . Fortunately they all close in age and share similar interests. No changes were made in their existing routines . They remained in their then schools and were on the same 50/50 schedule.

We were fortunate that they were all able to accept this as an extension to their existing routines rather than a change or upheaval in their lives. We would not have married had the children been opposed. We would simply have continued on as we were . Neither of us would have stayed with someone who "needed' to be married or needed to be a part of a blended unit. I think what we valued most in each other was the fact that neither of us needed someone to complete them. We were each whole and complete in our own person . We simply each wanted a compatible companion ( physically and shared interests) .

Why won’t she move closer to you?

@BlueTimes
Why should anyone move at all? In my opinion, it is absurd to make significant changes until you have decided that this is going to be a long term and sustained relationship.

It appears that were he to move in , he would be at a minimum the 3rd father figure (counting the biological father) in her child's life. The mother may find this acceptable, but in the OP's place, that is not an environment into which I would want to bring my children. Nor would I want that for het son.

It seems as though there may be value and perspective differences between the OP and his partner. He would be wise to move slowly with this relationship.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@BlueTimes
Why should anyone move at all? In my opinion, it is absurd to make significant changes until you have decided that this is going to be a long term and sustained relationship.

It appears that were he to move in , he would be at a minimum the 3rd father figure (counting the biological father) in her child's life. The mother may find this acceptable, but in the OP's place, that is not an environment into which I would want to bring my children. Nor would I want that for het son.

It seems as though there may be value and perspective differences between the OP and his partner. He would be wise to move slowly with this relationship.[/quote]
How have you interpreted from my one sentence that I think such an upheaval should take place before determining if a relationship is going to last?

It seems from the OP that he has everything going on in his life where he lives and whilst he can continue working without disruption if he moves, there is nothing else to gain from it. So I was interested in the reasons given by his partner for not moving to the area he currently lives in, because it seems logical that it is a question they have already addressed and decided against. It must be a very good reason to usurp three children’s best interests as well as that of their father.

Ok so In my experience my fiancé spends way more time with my son than he does his own... that’s just how it is because he moved in with us and his son comes at the weekend.

It can’t be helped and it doesn’t matter when you make the move you will still have the same dilemma 🤷‍♀️

On the face of it, it would make most sense for you to get a place near where you are once her son is 18 and either at university or working so school isn't a factor.

She seems to want it all her way. Why is it out of the question that she moves to where you are, since your kids are a lot younger.

I also feel like it's sounding like she wants you to see less of your kids "oh, just better for them not to see you in the week" can turn quickly to "oh, just better for them not to come on holiday with us" "oh, just doesn't make sense for them to have a room here". I would be very very wary.

@HazelWong

On the face of it, it would make most sense for you to get a place near where you are once her son is 18 and either at university or working so school isn't a factor.

She seems to want it all her way. Why is it out of the question that she moves to where you are, since your kids are a lot younger.

Yeah to be honest that makes more sense. I've cooled it with her as I can't see how it works in the timeframe she'd like, moving her way on.

I've cooled it with her as I can't see how it works in the timeframe she'd like, moving her way on.

Smart move.