Split up, or stay and accept I'll always come second to his DCs?

[yesitsmewithanewname]

I've been seeing my partner (boyfriend?) for 2 years. When we met I knew he had 2 DCs but they were living with their mum and he saw them every other weekend. I really respected how involved he was, and he was always messaging them or available on the phone to them.. that was fine, we were pretty much full time living together in my flat. It's my first relationship after divorce and I always wondered if it were too good to be true.. as he's such a lovely and kind and thoughtful person.

Early in lockdown, the mum left to stay with her boyfriend as she couldn't cope with the 'stress' any longer. So of course my DP took over all parenting responsibility, of course with my blessing. Well, now I'm realising that the future I'd hoped for, moving in together, isn't going to happen, at least until his DCs are independent. Technically they are both adults, but given their situations plus covid I fear for them as jobs might not be forthcoming. DP has to rent as ex got most of the equity and he can't afford to buy a property large enough for the three of them in their area. The trouble is.. I don't feel like I fit into their 'new normal'. When I'm around his DC I feel overwhelming apathy directed towards me and I don't blame them, they don't have to like me. I've been thinking that DP and I are a strong team, we can wait it out, but I've been very depressed for the last week and I'm wondering if it's due to the fact that I thought I had a partner but I actually have a part time, long ish distance relationship with someone who, during the brief times we meet, is often checking their phone for DCs messages.

I know writing this down it sounds like I'm blaming him when it is a 2 way street, and I might just be depressed (just bursting into tears all the time, nothing sinister) due to lockdown fatigue. But I'm starting to wonder what my options are. He too might be depressed due to his situation, but I just can't bring myself to tell him how.. undervalued?! I feel. And I'm starting to resent him.. but don't want to chuck it away just because he's being a good father.

I'm a bit confused... You say technically they're both adults, but that your do has had to take on the parenting responsibilities since his ex moved in with her partner. Where are they (and he) living now if not with you in your flat?

Sorry, I did make it a bit confusing! DP has rented a property with DCs, I only visit occasionally. We're in a bubble as I am a single person household. Youngest DC is in her last year and might go to university next year.

To be honest I love our Situation now but I know I would be unhappy if my SKs had to move in full time I'm happy with what we have now or if we went 50/50 that would be fine but full time would be far too hard work for me!

That is what worries me!

Just to clarify, I'm not a step parent but I've been obsessively reading posts on this board for the last few days thinking whether I can accept that if we move in together, I'll be a de facto step parent to 2 young adults. It often seems to affect (ruin?) relationships!

The thing is, he's a parent 100% of the time. And of course his kids will always come first. Try and think about it like this: if they were children you shared together, would you think he was in contact with them too much, checking his phone too much, too involved with them etc? That's the acid test. Men shouldn't be allowing romantic relationships to stand in the way of the level of interaction and involvement they want with their children (assuming their kids also want it). Same as the PP who says she'd be unhappy with more than 50% contact between the children and their dad - these men are dads 100% of the time. They should not be required to be less involved with their children because they are with you, than they would be if they were with the mother of their children. Bear in mind that agreements and situations with the mother of the children can change and at any point a father with 50% contact may find himself the sole carer of his own kids. That's parenthood.
I know your boyfriend's kids are older and so it's a bit different, but I suppose ultimately he will do what he feels is right by his children and it sounds like maybe he just isn't in a place to offer you what you need from a relationship right now. His kids may be "technically adults" but if they're in full time education/starting work in the midst of a pandemic then they actually are probably at a point where they really need him.

Would you want to be with a man who put his girlfriend of 2 years (who's not even sure if she can say partner) above his kids?

I wouldn't make any big decisions while we are still in lockdown. Once things ease the DC will more than likely be out and about, living their own lives and things will seem a million times easier. If they are nearly adults, then the significant impact on your relationship will be a relatively short term thing. It sounds like a relationship worth being patient for.

@IWantToBreakFree I think you've said perfectly what I've been thinking. I know his DCs totally need his unconditional support right now and I'd be the same if it were my DCs. To be honest, if I were in that position I don't think I'd be dating.. maybe that's my answer right there. Doesn't stop me from feeling very, very hurt, from a purely selfish position.

@Eckhart that is so true

@Champagneandmonstermunch that's a really good point. I think I need to work on myself and remind myself that I am happy being single and he's doing exactly the right thing for his DCs.

I just can't stop crying tonight. Rejected his call earlier, I couldn't bear the thought of pretending all was fine.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to have a talk with him about what the long term plan is with the sc. then you'd be able to make a better, more informed decision. How recent has it been since the mother left? Is she likely to come back and if she does are the children likely to want to go back to her?

I'd also want to know what he's sees the future of the relationship being.

Although I have to say his morals seem in the right place so I'd be thinking if otherwise your relationship seems quite strong I'd be looking for a pro active plan for the future. I hope you're able to find a solution that works for you

Above was to @IWantT0BreakFree sorry I got the 0 wrong!

You need to talk to him, he must have a little time that he could meet with you..... is there the possibility mum will be back on the scene once covid restrictions are slowly lifted?

Why aren't you telling him how you're feeling?

Honestly OP I would walk away. You are only boyfriend/girlfriend and two years in and you are already grieving about the situation. He sounds as if he is mentally and physically very involved with them and that isn't likely to change. How would you feel if you were to get pregnant with your first child when he has already been there done that several times? His children will always be a fixture in his life and the precedent has been set that you slot around their lives, rather than you and him forging your own life together.
For many on MN children are adults and are totally independent by 18, but in reality nowadays children stay at home for various reasons until their late 20s. Are you prepared to hang on for that long?

The fact that you’re not happy with the situation says it all. Time to end it and put yourself first.

Thanks all. I think I need to talk to him about how he sees things going. At the moment I'm catastrophising the situation and I know it.. I have a tendency to bottle things up at the best of times. Of course his DC would be out with friends if they could, I hadn't even thought about that, it would make things so much easier! I know they are suffering because of lockdown. Re their mum, I really hope she will mend her relationship with the DC and DP has done a great job being non judgemental. He really is a decent person

She can't cope with her adult children? I'm cynical enough to say I assume child support stopped or is due to stop soon

It will be tough for him to meet everyone's needs at the moment, but especially so if he doesn't know what those needs are. The responsible, reasonable thing here is to calmly tell him how you feel and let him find a way to reassure you, rather than try to squash your feelings down. You can't choose how you feel. Nobody can. All you can do is be open and calm.

Being in a relationship is meant to make you happier and your life fuller and more enjoyable.

I disagree that now isn’t the time to break up if it’s making you this unhappy. This is the right time to focus on yourself and doing whatever little or big things that make you as content as you can be while the wider world is such a shit show.

I also strongly disagree that dating a parent, especially one of near adults, means you come second. If he can’t put the effort in to be with you because he’s so preoccupied with his children then he has no business being in a relationship with you, or anyone else. He’s been with you for two years, yes things have changed now he has his DC full time but he owes you his time, his energy, his attention, or what’s the point for either of you?

Are people here suggesting the married parents of teens can’t go on a date without basically ignoring each other because they’re checking their phones in case the 17 year old needs something? Bollocks to that. If people don’t invest in their relationships because they’re parents they’ll find they don’t know each other at all once their kids fly the nest.

He’s taking you for granted which isn’t okay whatever the excuse.

I think you can do better than this. Sure he’s a good dad but he’s currently a really crap boyfriend. You’re having a shit week, you’re feeling really low and miserable and you know he’s not there for you which is why you can’t face talking to him! He chose to be in a relationship with you, making you feel shit and somehow lesser because you’re not a parent or not his DC’s other parent is a pile of crap.

You deserve to feel loved and valued. That’s perfectly possible in a relationship with a parent, but not with a parent who lacks perspective like this and will ditch you like this.

I’m a mum and have been a stepmum much longer. I wouldn’t have hung around if DH made me feel second best. Our family operates on a constant balance of needs and wants. DC needs come first, their wants are balanced against each other’s and our needs. No one is more important than anyone else. And our marriage is the foundation for the whole thing.

he's such a lovely and kind and thoughtful person.

@yesitsmewithanewname He might well be, but actually what I have found with this type of person is that what masquerades as kind and lovely is often actually a lack of boundaries and/or being able to make decisions that go against the path of least resistance. You are easier to let down because he can always play the "you don't like my DC" card if you tell him you need a little time/support from him too.

There is nothing wrong in your DP wanting to provide support for his adult DC but if they need him to the extent that he can't even go a few hours without constantly checking his phone for messages while he's with you then he has no business being in a relationship with you or anyone else.

Agree with everything Anne says.

I'm a step parent and my husband has never made me feel second best.

It sounds like your partner is not able to be a good partner. You dont have to wait around to see if that ever changes.

@HeckyPeck
Sometimes, there can be a difference between " him making you feel second best" and you feeling second best. Exactly what do you think that he should be doing differently. If he has a child who is still in high school, checking his phone for messages is not so very atypical.

Does he see you as a romantic partner or a long term life partner?Does he define his team as a team of 2 or a team of 4?

Sometimes, I think women tend to view a romantic relationship as some type of quasi marriage relationship. I think men are much more likely to compartmentalize their lives and relationships and are quite content to live in the here and now.

If you are uncertain about his long term view of your relationship, it probably means that you have not yet had a talk about long term. He may be enjoying the here and now and willing to see where it goes.

It may be that you are in very different stages of relationship development. If you are at a stage where you need or require some type of long term commitment , you should speak up and say that. It may not be on his radar screen because he is not yet at that place.

Older teenage/ young adults are less likely to think of you as a defacto step parent and much more likely as " dad's girlfriend. "

Well..I've messaged him, just responded to his messages asking how I was saying.. I wasn't sure about us. We'll see where that goes. I'm not very confident about articulating the way I'm feeling and I'm sure he will want me to spell it out so that he can 'resolve' it. I can't tell him how I feel about his DCs, I do appreciate them but I think I'll sound jealous if I say what I'm thinking maybe we just need to leave things in the here & now!

I agree with everything @AnneLovesGilbert, @MyCatHatesEverybody & @HeckyPeck says.
I also don't agree that children always come first - I think that's a dreadful attitude to have towards almost adult/adult aged children as it teaches them nothing about independence & navigating the world, & I'm saying this as a dm who is very worried about her 24 & 18 year olds' futures. My two are both living away from home & are learning to navigate this pandemic themselves & I couldn't be prouder of them. They know I am always at the end of the phone for advice & support but they do not expect me to orientate my day to day life around them.
Given the ages of his dc your partner should be well able to give them support without hovering over them & it should leave him plenty of time for you. His almost adult dc need mature, age appropriate support, not hand holding.
If he's the kind of man who's going to use his adult dc as excuses to not have time/availability for a relationship I'd leave. And yes. "nice guy' & 'wonderful father' are often the flipside of the 'has no boundaries around his ex &/or dc' coin.

Children's needs > Adult's needs > Children's wants & Adults wants combined

Children don't always come first, they are members of a household. Their needs are priority, their whims are not.