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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Split up, or stay and accept I'll always come second to his DCs?

44 replies

yesitsmewithanewname · 15/02/2021 18:32

I've been seeing my partner (boyfriend?) for 2 years. When we met I knew he had 2 DCs but they were living with their mum and he saw them every other weekend. I really respected how involved he was, and he was always messaging them or available on the phone to them.. that was fine, we were pretty much full time living together in my flat. It's my first relationship after divorce and I always wondered if it were too good to be true.. as he's such a lovely and kind and thoughtful person.

Early in lockdown, the mum left to stay with her boyfriend as she couldn't cope with the 'stress' any longer. So of course my DP took over all parenting responsibility, of course with my blessing. Well, now I'm realising that the future I'd hoped for, moving in together, isn't going to happen, at least until his DCs are independent. Technically they are both adults, but given their situations plus covid I fear for them as jobs might not be forthcoming. DP has to rent as ex got most of the equity and he can't afford to buy a property large enough for the three of them in their area. The trouble is.. I don't feel like I fit into their 'new normal'. When I'm around his DC I feel overwhelming apathy directed towards me and I don't blame them, they don't have to like me. I've been thinking that DP and I are a strong team, we can wait it out, but I've been very depressed for the last week and I'm wondering if it's due to the fact that I thought I had a partner but I actually have a part time, long ish distance relationship with someone who, during the brief times we meet, is often checking their phone for DCs messages.

I know writing this down it sounds like I'm blaming him when it is a 2 way street, and I might just be depressed (just bursting into tears all the time, nothing sinister) due to lockdown fatigue. But I'm starting to wonder what my options are. He too might be depressed due to his situation, but I just can't bring myself to tell him how.. undervalued?! I feel. And I'm starting to resent him.. but don't want to chuck it away just because he's being a good father.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2021 08:59

Totally agree with everything @AnneLovesGilbert said.

You can't go along afraid to mention his kids OP. If he can't hear you saying you feel like the way he's balancing things isn't leaving enough room for an emotionally satisfying relationship without accusing you of being jealous, then he is not a keeper. I can't stress that enough. People that behave that way around civil conversation that mentions their children should be given a wide berth.

I would rip the band aid off, as it were. Tell him how you feel. If he is empathetic and cares about your POV, well, the kids are young adults now, so the waiting game til he has more time on his hands is not going to be all that long. It might be worth sticking it out. If he shouts you down, dismisses or patronises you (like a lot of the commenters on here did) then he is not worth it and these issues will likely pervade your relationship for years to come.

Eckhart · 16/02/2021 09:40

@yesitsmewithanewname

Well..I've messaged him, just responded to his messages asking how I was saying.. I wasn't sure about us. We'll see where that goes. I'm not very confident about articulating the way I'm feeling and I'm sure he will want me to spell it out so that he can 'resolve' it. I can't tell him how I feel about his DCs, I do appreciate them but I think I'll sound jealous if I say what I'm thinking

maybe we just need to leave things in the here & now!

I think it's all about the way you present it. If you can just say whatever words you can think of, about the way you feel, without drama. it'll come across a lot better.

Think about if you were close to somebody, if they said to you 'When you dismiss me because the kids have asked for your attention, my heart races and I feel a bit sick. It's not nice for me.' compared to 'You always put your kids first, don't you care about me at all?!'

Just focus on your own physical feelings. If you sound jealous, you sound jealous. That's ok. It's ok to have any emotion you have. You need to represent yourself clearly. If you feel jealous but don't want to come across as jealous, that scuppers the path forward for everybody. Self acceptance is the first step here.

All of your emotions are acceptable. All of everybody's emotions are acceptable. It's how emotions get communicated that causes unnecessary problems. It's ok to say 'I'm jealous.' It's not ok to throw the tv out of the window and cut up your partner's clothes because you're jealous.

Lise756 · 16/02/2021 09:43

'He might well be, but actually what I have found with this type of person is that what masquerades as kind and lovely is often actually a lack of boundaries and/or being able to make decisions that go against the path of least resistance. You are easier to let down because he can always play the "you don't like my DC" card'
I second what @MyCatHatesEverybody says here

user1493413286 · 16/02/2021 09:51

How well do you know his children? I’m a step parent and I also have a step dad who came into my life when I was 20, it’s been over 10 years and I really care about him and get on well but it took a while for the relationship to develop. I didn’t have any negative feelings towards him but I guess I didn’t really know how to form this new relationship.
It’s not quite as simple as saying that children come first over adult relationships; there is a way to balance things amd I think sometimes people get it right one time and not the next and you have to communicate to find ways through. My DH has done things at times with DSD and Ive said that wasn’t fair and we’ve found different ways to manage it next time.
I would also consider that life will not be like this forever; his children will be moving on in their lives and they will be able to go out and do more soon. At age 17/18/19 I lived at home but I was always out with friends, at college, working, with a boyfriend and barely saw my parents. At the moment all that is taken away from kids but it’ll come back.

Original poster

yesitsmewithanewname · 16/02/2021 10:17

Thank you all so much for your very insightful comments.

We did have a chat last night, more about us than his DCs, but he was genuinely surprised when I said I noticed that he always checked his phone for DCs messages (he'd asked for specific examples of how I felt sidelined) and I think we've cleared the air somewhat, for the better! He's really a great person and we don't want to lose each other. Having said that, I'm definitely looking out for my own reactions now. I also can't secretly blame his DCs for what is more my problem in not talking to him about how I'm feeling, I obviously kept the conversation about us. It's very true that his DCs see me as 'dad's girlfriend' not stepmum.

The issues around boundaries are definitely there. Interesting, as I hadn't seen it like that before, just as him being a concerned parent.

OP posts:

NotMyPremium · 17/02/2021 01:41

That sounds like a positive outcome.

I was going to echo pps on adult children not automatically coming first. My DP has a similar aged child and that 'child' doesn't automatically come before my wants and needs because DP is a father to them and I'm a partner. My DCs are younger so their needs do need to come first, but there are times when I need them to get on with what they are doing whilst DP and I get something sorted. It's all a balance and I think any parent who always puts their DCs above everyone, every time are just raising spoilt entitled future adults.

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 07:07

Jus rereading my old posts.. a year ago. FFS! He's just dumped me, totally out of the blue. Nothing really got better, he's still in a rented house supporting the two DDs, I'm several years older and need to start over again. Wish I'd confronted the situation before.. my suspicians that it wasn't right were correct.

NeesAndToes · 12/02/2022 08:14

@Itsmewithanewname

Aw sorry to hear that. Seems it wasn't meant to be. Hope you heal x

Jennyfromthere · 12/02/2022 08:29

@yesitsmewithanewname so much of this thread sounded like my life. Some great advice. I hope you move on quickly OP and have a better life. I’m still stuck being the second best wife and resenting the kids more and more. I swing from wanting things to work to thinking cutting my losses would be the best choice.
I wish you all the best.

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 08:31

Thank you.. we were due to go on a big holiday next Friday.. he hadn't told his DDs (when I asked) and we'd laughed about that, I said shouldn't they know they need to do dog care for the week? I had absolutely no idea he'd do this..

Jennyfromthere · 12/02/2022 08:50

My situation feels like a silent other world, much like your hidden holiday. He has two lives, one he shares with them and one with me and probably neither knows exactly what is going on.

sassbott · 12/02/2022 08:52

. Has he said why?
What about the planned holiday?

Thewindwhispers · 12/02/2022 08:56

Honestly I think good, caring, attractive men are thin on the ground and if you ditch this one, there is no guarantee another one will come along. His DC are on the verge of independence and will be sround much less in the next couple of years. The care and thoughtfulness he’s now showing towards them could be all for you when you’re old.

Up to you but I think you’d be mad to dump someone for being too good to his children.

sparklefarts · 12/02/2022 09:01

@Thewindwhispers

Up to you but I think you’d be mad to dump someone for being too good to his children.

Yeaaaahh you should have read to the end

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 09:02

My advice? Dump him! sorry, I'm not in a good place now but when I think that I could have confronted him about this before .. at least I could have put my side across and maybe we could have solved it. I'm now thinking that what I thought was a strong connection was just him needing sex every now and then I'm totally wishing evil on him and the DDs now.. will stop in a few minutes, I promise!

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 09:03

... that was for @Jennyfromthere

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 09:10

I need to laugh so I won't cry.. sob.. etc! He has truly left me in the *&^.. it's a holiday planned by my sister as a post covid treat.. long haul flight,, my DD and her boyfriend are coming too. I'm still going.. need to, as all arranged, but it'll be 2 couples and me, on my own.

I'm still wondering if he just meant to say that he didn't want to come on the trip, not that he meant to break up! But I don't want to ask, it would seem needy?!

Itsmewithanewname · 12/02/2022 09:14

Thanks @sparklefarts !

Yes @Thewindwhispers I didn't dump him, I realised what a nice guy he was so didn't force any issues that's a huge grin showing what a stupid mug I was...

FinallyHere · 12/02/2022 09:48

*but I actually have a part time, long ish distance relationship with someone who, during the brief times we meet, is often checking their phone for DCs messages.

I'm still wondering if he just meant to say that he didn't want to come on the trip, not that he meant to break up! But I don't want to ask, it would seem needy?!*

I'm so sorry you have been dumped. That is never an easy situation to find yourself in

You will go though the cycle of grief and at some point will appear out the other side

My earnest advice to you is, if you ever find anyone else who looks promising, start out as you mean to go on. Establish that you both discuss things like adults who are each responsible for your own feelings.

Feeling that you can't ask your life partner whether you are broken up or he just didn't want to go on holiday, without seeming needy is no way to live your life.

Your life is going to be getting better and better from now on. Enjoy.

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