Meeting other parent before meeting SC?

[Fairygodmotherplease]

SC's mum has a rule that any partners need to meet her before the kids.

Bf and I have been together nearly a year. Covid and distance will make meeting her first very tricky. I don't see the point in the rule. She has me added on Facebook as a friend, I'm not a mystery.

Has anyone else had to meet the other parent first? Would you agree to it?

Honestly? Find another partner. Don’t take on a new DP with a controlling ex that your DP indulges, it’s not going to be worth the hassle of her continuing presence in your life.

Sometimes, you agree to something that you ex wants not because you would necessarily do it the same way, but because you have no real objection to doing it the way that they proposed. It is not allowing them to be controlling; it is recognizing that you have no real objection to doing it their and that you are mature enough to know that not everything needs to become a " pissing match. "

If your partner needs you to pass these steps that prove that their feelings are more important than your ex's feelings , that tells you a lot about their self confidence and their belief in the strength of your relationship.

When you are strong enough in your own person , it is easy enough to take a "why not attitude" as opposed to an" I really object to doing it that way attitude. "

There are some issues where 1parent should not always have to justify their reasons or feelings on a issue particularly when the other parent has no strong feelings one way or the other. I do not think that a partner should try to change or interject his or herself into an issue between the 2 parents.

It is easy enough to say that I do not wish to meet your ex and let the chips fall where they may.

My ex and I both wanted to meet a serious partner before they were introduced to our kids. We were in agreement on this issue. I doubt that either of us would have continued in a relationship where the other person objected.

But it is all about what works for you.

If

I don't feel it's an unreasonable request, or that it implies ''control'' necessarily. Perhaps she just wants to meet the lady who will be spending a lot of time with her children? Either way both parties need to be comfortable, or at least apathetic.

Personally, I didn't want to meet my ex's new partner (they'd had a lengthy affair which ended our marriage...). Regardless, she turned up at my house with ex to collect DD not long after we separated. Most natural thing in the world in their mind, whereas I felt distinctly uncomfortable. Had ex not had an affair and it not been so soon after we split, I don't think I'd have minded terribly. I was a step mum in a former life and got on very well with DSS's mum, she preferred to talk to me than her ex! Makes it easier all round if everyone can be amicable...

Everyone sees this differently so perhaps it's a matter of respecting each others positions.

i just do a quick check to make sure she isnt a danger to the children then leave him too it

How on earth do you determine this from a 'quick check'? What even is a 'quick check'? A background check? What?

I'm always confused when people say this as if anyone is going to introduce themselves like 'Hi, I'm your exes new partner and I'm going to harm your children, how do you do?'. You'll gain nothing of substance from a quick check/hello imo.

if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me

Why would she want to meet you? It's not top on my list of fun things I want to do, to meet my DHs ex (for the record, I have many times and we get on perfectly well but to say why would I not have wanted to meet her at the outset of my relationship is odd to me personally).

I do not think that a partner should try to change or interject his or herself into an issue between the 2 parents

It ceases to be just an issue between the two parents when you're asking the third person, the partner to do something they aren't comfortable with. They are people too you know who can make their own mind up about what they feel comfortable doing and what they don't, it's not just an issue between two co parents when you're expecting something of another person outside of you both and tbh I think it speaks quite a lot about how you view said person if you think that it is just between the two of you as if they aren't allowed to or are unreasonable for objecting if both you and your ex have agreed to it on their behalf.

Before you go in all guns blazing think carefully about what your DH would like in the same situation. If he would also like to meet his partner’s future dps (potential new partner for the residential parent would be more important than you as the kids live with them) then stick to the rules.

^ exactly. Shows the element of control when you’re talking about a third party as though they have no choice or opinion.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Before you go in all guns blazing think carefully about what your DH would like in the same situation. If he would also like to meet his partner’s future dps (potential new partner for the residential parent would be more important than you as the kids live with them) then stick to the rules.

Er, why would it matter to OP if her DH gets to meet his exes new partner? Classic centralisation of the parents as though their wishes are everyone else's priority, again.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Before you go in all guns blazing think carefully about what your DH would like in the same situation. If he would also like to meet his partner’s future dps (potential new partner for the residential parent would be more important than you as the kids live with them) then stick to the rules.

Honestly it would get my back up straight away if I was having to 'stick to the rules' that my husband's ex laid out for me.

I have no problem with parents asking this (although I don't buy that it's not to size anyone up and purely to make sure the children are safe because seriously, how would you know anything from a quick meeting that your ex hasn't already in the time he's been with this person), but I do have a problem with people acting like the partner is unreasonable for not wanting to or not 'sticking to the rules' that someone else decided before they were even on the scene.

These partners are people, with their own thoughts and feelings and opinions on things. They aren't unreasonable for that. For some people, meeting an ex wife would be a really nerve wracking experience and uncomfortable. I don't have to put myself through that if my partner, the person who actually knows me, has decided I am a safe person to have around his children. With respect, his opinion on his own kids is the one I'm interested in. I'm not in a relationship with their mother and I don't have to stick to imaginary rules she's agreed without my consent which involve me. I can say no.

As PPs said, if you don't trust your ex you have a bigger problem than not meeting a new girlfriend for 10 minutes on the doorstep.

I agree that it's great if everyone can get along and be friendly but we all know, and your exes partners will all know too, that this often isn't the case and these situations can be volatile. They may not want to open themselves up to that and that choice should be respected.

You can ask by all means but if the answer is no then you don't get to demand or insist. You are no longer with the parent of your other child and as hard as it is, you do lose some control when that happens.

Whenever anyone makes a thread about how their partners ex ignores them or pretends they don't exist, the consensus is always that that's her right, she doesn't have to have a relationship with you, you're nothing to her, cue lots of people saying how they have no desire to ever meet their exes new partners and so on...

So it happens both ways. And both ways should be respected. If one person says no then that's it.

Unless it's okay for all new girlfriends to demand to meet their partners ex wife to see whether she'll cause any problems for her before she gets serious with him? In that case I'm assuming everyone would be happy for the ex wife to say no.

I think that this issue like any other issue that you may be asked to do be it sex, finances, interactions with family members, etc, if it does not feel right to you , then you should not do it.

In my situation, saying no to my request to meet the ex would have signaled the end of our relationship. I could not have remained with someone whose level of self confidence and security would have been compromised by a brief meeting with my children's father. His inability to manage and understand the significance of that request would have spoken volumes to me. I too would have understood his walking away if that request by me somehow compromised his values or comfort zone.

In our situation, no one was trying to exert control and as he had children of his own , he understood fully the desire to meet before hand those people who may be playing a significant role in your child's life. It probably helped that none of us made disparaging comments or negative statements about the other. Nor did any meetings occur until we were certain that this was relationship that we viewed as potentially permanent

@Tiredoftattler Yes, we all know how proudly unempathetic you would be to your partner's feelings.

@aSofaNearYou
It was not a lack of empathy for my partner but rather respect for the fact that we were all competent adults who deal on a daily basis with people of varying temperments and personality types. I had no reason to expect any one to feel less than confident that they could handle a brief meet and greet with poise and confidence. This goal of the meeting was to allow everyone to feel comfortable about the people with whom our children would be spending substantial amounts of time.

Had anyone objected , they would not have been required or coerced into going, but it would have been a recognition that the relationship was probably not going to be a good fit for our collective unit.

There was no right or wrong only the way that works for us. Our way was simply one of the many ways that people choose to handle this type of situation. I would not choose to criticize your way of handling the situation; I am sure you did whatever you felt to be right for your circumstances.

@Tiredoftattler oh but it is lack of empathy, if you are that unable to compromise to accommodate your partner's feelings. It's just yet another example of you presenting the desires of parents to do with their children, whatever they are, is desperately important, to the point of being non negotiable, whilst the partner's desires that don't relate to your child as insecure and, not so subtely, somewhat pathetic. Nobody said anything about feeling deeply insecure about the meeting and unable to handle it, it's simply a discomfort they don't see why they should be required to put themselves through to satisfy someone else's discomfort. You have a fundamental unwillingness to concede to a partner that their feelings about themselves are as important as your feelings about your kids. That's where the lack of empathy comes in.

@aSofaNearYou

I agree and in fact this is a situation where each party is free to respond as they see fit. For me it would have been a deal breaker. For the next person , it might have been "ok , fine you do not have to do it."

Again, there are no right or wrong ways to handle this issue. What works for couple A may be totally wrong for couple B.

Had my partner said no, I would not have been angry or even disappointed. I would have accepted the fact that he would not have been the person for me. It was not a lack of empathy but a recognition that the fit was not there.

No one owes it to me to twist themselves in to a pretzel to accommodate my needs. They are simply being who they are. I do not feel entitled to expect anyone to value that which is important to me. I feel compatible and fortunate when that fit is there , and adult enough to accept that sometimes it may not be there.

I accept that my partners feelings are as important as my own feelings and in no circumstance would I expect him to compromise in situations where he feels that his essential values and beliefs are being assailed. Nor would I compromise on values and behaviors that I consider fundamental to my character and beliefs

I have lived long enough to know that there is no "the one" but instead there is " the one with whom I can build a happy and mutually agreeable and satisfying life." For me that would not have been someone whose comfort level was essentially inconsistent with the ability to have a brief adult encounter with the father of my children prior to meeting them.

I fully understand some one saying that this is something that they will not do. I also understand not being willing to live with an adult who takes that stance. We must all determine the manner in which we are willing to live. I need a partner who can handle adult situations with grace and confidence. I would respect the wishes of a partner who did not want to meet my children's father, but that would not have been a person with whom I would have been able to build a life.

I would respect their wishes by issuing an ultimatum

@Tiredoftattler your posts are always so factual and pragmatic. You do realise that what you’ve actually written is an ultimatum. Either do xyz because I deem it important, otherwise I respect your wishes but we’re over. I mean wow.

That’s a great thinking response. Do you do feelings?

OP. I’ll just say this. The red flag for me in this is that you say your partner cannot stand up to his ex. Be very very careful and think long and hard about what that dynamic looks like - for the rest of your life. Exw’s very rarely ‘settle’ or become magically less antagonistic when a new woman is around their children. In most cases it has the reverse impact.

@sassbott
How is it fair to not let someone know up front what you can and cannot or are unwilling to live with in a relationship? How can you claim to have feelings or respect for yourself or your partner but are not willing to be honest about your beliefs and expectations?
My expectations speak to the way that I want and plan to conduct my life. I would certainly not want to be with someone who would not articulate the manner in which he planned to conduct his life. For me, compatibility meant finding someone with similar beliefs, values and interests.

My partner shared my beliefs about meeting the exs before meeting the children , and it would have been a deal breaker for both of us. None of us were ceding control or taking control. We all needed to feel comfortable

@Tiredoftattler Nobody is saying you shouldn't lay out what you can't live with in a relationship, the point is that your list of things you are unwilling to put up with is by nature very long and seems to include absolutely everything that is even tangentially linked to your kids. Sure, as an isolated case this being a deal breaker is fair enough, but your general attitude is that everything is a deal breaker. That is very uncompromising.

I think its the mature thing to do tbh. Its clearly in the best interests of the kids so unless there were mitigating circumstances it would raise a red flag with me if a partner refused to meet.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I think its the mature thing to do tbh. Its clearly in the best interests of the kids so unless there were mitigating circumstances it would raise a red flag with me if a partner refused to meet.

Simply not being primarily motivated by what's right for your kids is a red flag, then?

How is it clearly in the best interest of the kids? They already have the sanction of one of their parents, which is plenty enough to spend time with them, so this is purely in the interests of the other parent.

@AsoF

@aSofaNearYou

At the end of the day, each person must decide what works best for them, what you describe as uncompromising is what my ex and I decided what we wanted for our children. We never led anyone to believe or think otherwise. All parties involved knew how we managed the relationship as related to our children and where we placed that relationship in our grand scheme of things.

This may not work for everyone, maybe not for anyone else, but it has worked for us. A different kind of arrangement might have been more fluid or flexible but it would not have been consistent with our life plan. In our situation, we were scrupulously honest and upfront with our partners as to our intentions and expectations. We saw no benefit in trying to coerce or force anyone into a situation that would not work in a mutually satisfactory manner .

I would want to meet any person who was going to be spending time with my children in a parental role. If they were young children, I would be quite insistent about it. I'm surprised others wouldn't tbh, in what other situation would you be ok with a complete stranger to you being in close contact with your children, possibly sleeping in the same house?
Because she's NOT a stranger to your child's other parent!!! And as someone else said if you don't trust your child's other parent to make decent decisions then you should be filing for full custody!
There's nothing wrong with wanting to meet your ex's partner but you cannot make it a condition of THEIR relationship. Making it a condition IS a power play & @Fairygodmotherplease knowing what I now know about a certain type of exw I would run a mile from a man who lets his exw dictate the pace of his relationship.
For the record I'm an exw but I've also been the partner of a man with a controlling exw & if your dp will not grow a pair you're at nothing here & she will continue to use their dc to control her exh.
Google Golden Uterus syndrome.

You would be choosing to be in a relationship where another woman anyways has & always will rule the roost.

You must be quite a passive person to put up with such a thing.