Meeting other parent before meeting SC?

[Fairygodmotherplease]

SC's mum has a rule that any partners need to meet her before the kids.

Bf and I have been together nearly a year. Covid and distance will make meeting her first very tricky. I don't see the point in the rule. She has me added on Facebook as a friend, I'm not a mystery.

Has anyone else had to meet the other parent first? Would you agree to it?

@Fairygodmotherplease

he finds it hard to voice his own opinion to her. She's been known to send multiple long antagonistic messages when she doesn't agree with something and he fears her making issues with contact with his kids.
So, whatever she says, mostly goes

Have you given thought as to how this (whatever she says goes) will affect your relationship with him if you get serious/more serious...potentially getting married and having kids?

If not, you should...as you may well find that him not expressing his opinion to her and him agreeing for an easy life...will affect your plans with him and therfore affect you directly.

@RedMarauder

Nope - if she dominates your partner then don't meet her.

Your partner needs to grow a pair and if he refuses to then you are going to have to lump it or walk away.

There are plenty of threads all over this board on partners who refuse to set boundaries with their ex and then with their children.

Blunt, but good advice. The decision to meet the kids is maybe one that the parents discuss and let each other know about. A vetting meeting/veto is totally the wrong vibe. Your OH's reluctance to say or do anything that might upset his ex is very unhealthy. If he worries about access being withdrawn he needs to get a court order.

No, don't give in to this. She doesn't get to dictate how your relationship with DP progresses.

Does she think she's going to get a better measure of you in half an hour than your DP has in almost a year?

If she doesn't trust him to do what's right for his kids, why does he have 4/5 days contact at a time? If she stops contact, the reason why will hopefully be glaringly obvious to any judge.

I'd say this is make or break time, depending on your DP's response.

I've met dp's exw, was really useful as one dd has sn and she was really trusting and reassuring that I would be fine! Gave me tongue in cheek tips about dp too

I had met his DD's prior though, wasn't a "condition" but going forward it's so much easier if everyone gets along, we don't need to be best friends but being able to be at the same function (remember when we had parties ???) is useful

This is where the ‘sunken cost fallacy’ kicks in, with the step family vibe. The time it takes to suss all this out. From smelling a rat to realising after years you’ll never be the priority while he dances to the tune of the ex. Can take months or years.

You can’t quite ‘tell what’s going on’ (having not met the kids, or the ex). You overlook these ‘small things’. You’re a new partner, everything has a rosy tint, you’re ’patient’ about the dc (meeting them such a big step, yada yada) eager to ‘be lovely and welcoming’.

And so begins the dynamic of tip-toeing about. There’s already a block in your relationship that he is allowing.

And it’s not about the dc. He just can’t set boundaries with her. Or rather he can. But won’t. Because he’s afraid.

My best advice is to challenge DP to use his parental responsibility to do as he sees fit and introduce you to his dc (disclaimer: Unless you're a Schedule 1 Sex Offender and risk to under 16s). Challenge him to leave her out of it. She can meet you any time (COVID permitting).

If he can’t/if it causes strife - then walk away.

Nope. 7 years in and I've never met DH's EXDW. Admittedly I was the one pushing for it initially, as I naively thought that was the way to do drama-free step-parenting (hollow laugh).

In my experience, you need to set the boundaries very early on. Your DP's ex doesn't own him or the DC, and now they have split, it's not up to her to decide who he brings around their DC.

Regarding the red flags, you've mentioned, I'd be very wary of continuing a relationship with a man who would prefer to upset me, rather than his ex, over something that has nothing to do with her. Even if the split was amicable, this type of ex has a way of trying to infiltrate your household, and if your DP won't stand up to her, it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

@Pippa234

I met my dhs ex at her request as she said she wanted to meet who ever he was dating before they met their son, even though she had already introduced her boyfriend without telling my DH. I did it to try and start a friendly amicable relationship. Turns out she was just doing it to size me up, nothing to do with actually establishing a friendly relationship. As she caused hell for years afterwards with her jealousy causing drama after drama.

I would like to meet my dhs new partner if we split because I would be keen on co parenting well and being friendly.

I have had an identical experience. It's a shame but I guess better to have attempted a friendly environment.

"I have had an identical experience. It's a shame but I guess better to have attempted a friendly environment."

Yes that's a positive way to look at it I suppose.
I ended up stepping right back in the end.
It's all I could do.
Sorry you had the same experience.

Op I know I would be keen to have a good relationship with my dhs new partner if we split but I think it's seeing how my SS has been messed up by the inconsistency in parenting and no real communication with my DH and his ex and jealousy from her side, always making up problems that don't exist in real life in our home and manipulation in regards to her son.
Her son has alot of problems now.

I suppose some people can still maintain a good level of communication without needing to have any sort of communication with the new partner.
It seems from what you say though that in your case her wanting to meet is more to size you up and not to actually build a relationship.

I hope I am wrong if you do decide to go ahead.

Hell no from me

Oh ex was demanding it, but this was after I’d met the dd anyway

She wanted 15mins alone with me

We’d have to schlep to the meeting point with my ds and I just didn’t want to

I wrote her a letter to try to reassure her that I would treat her child as I’d hope someone would treat mine if the situation were reversed, and if she had any queries to raise them with oh, but that I wouldn’t be able to meet her.

She wrote back to me

Never read it, straight in the bin.

But this is because by this time we knew that her motives were not for the good of her dd, but to hurt oh or me.

@Fairygodmotherplease I’d say don’t meet her, bin her off Facebook and actually give serious thought to binning off this relationship

He’s weak and won’t stand up for himself so you will never have the kind of relationship that you want and deserve

Find someone else without kids

This ex is going to make your lives a misery and he’s going to let her.

I would refuse and remove her from Facebook. It prob sounds awful but I'd rather keep my distance and not know the dc than deal with the tantrums of the old wife. I don't care for the drama.

Absolutely not.

This is a control tactic by the mother.

Don’t pander to her control. The father can introduce the children to whoever he likes - it has nothing to do with the mum.

Been with my OH 7 years, never met the EW, have no desire to. She’s high conflict & controlling. Demanded she meet me and stopped contact when she didn’t get her own way. OH took her to court for breaching the contact order and she was sternly told by the judge who the father introduces the children to has absolutely nothing to do with her and if she stopped contact again he would ‘take the children off her and give them to the dad’.

The RP doesn’t have more power and isn’t in charge.

Huge range of experiences on here about exes and it boils down to personal preference and what feels right for you.

BUT.... I agree with the wise words from @AnneLovesGilbert and @LatentPhase. There are some BIG red flags here already.

Your DP’s ex has no right to meet you and can’t make it a condition of you meeting the children or him having them when you’re there. But your DP is already caving to this.

I suspect as you discover more about their co-parenting dynamics there could be lots of similar issues you discover. So now is the time to think about whether you want his unhappy, dictatorial ex having a potentially massive influence on your life.

And I may be uncharitable but it’s likely she is keeping tabs on you via Facebook - not trying to be a friend.

We agreed during the divorce that we would each meet a serious partner before introducing them to our children. There were no negative outcomes from our having done this and no unwarranted intrusions into each other's life

@Tiredoftattler you can't agree this on behalf of someone else though

This is a form of control by the ex wife/partner. It has nothing to do with her.

They are divorced so he can stop jumping when she says jump. Some women think that they have all the power after a split when a court would say that it's up to Dad and unless new partner is a sex offender, mum needs to suck it up.

By adding her on FB and considering her unreasonable requests, she is trying to drag you into this power play. Your social media probably gives away more about you than a 10 minute coffee. I understand why people are interested in their ex's new partner but do they really think that a meeting will change anything ? Most people can behave for a coffee and if not, it's not like your ex will dump their new partner. The only motive that is innocent is if they want to make sure that things aren't awkward if you're all invited to family events and there's no mention of that.

@LatentPhase has it spot on.

My partner's ex has called all the shots and now somehow I am stuck in it. Miserable with it. So I can stay like this or split up with him...don't get dragged in to the games. He can respect her as the mother of his kids without having to dance to her every tune - if he chooses not to then you have a recipe for a crap relationship. Sorry.

Your partner needs to stand up to her or this won't change.
He needs to tell her to mind her own business and no way will you be meeting her.
Sounds like he needs to go to court to formalise contact.

Nope. No interest in or need to meet her.

@Tiredoftattler

We agreed during the divorce that we would each meet a serious partner before introducing them to our children. There were no negative outcomes from our having done this and no unwarranted intrusions into each other's life

Yeah but if the new partner had said no, that's fair enough. You can't make a decision that someone else you haven't met yet will do what you and your ex have agreed. They're entitled to say no.

Does she have the same rule? As in he gets to meet any of her partners before she introduces them to the kids?

I wouldn’t have a problem in principle with meeting DPs ex (although she definitely doesn’t want to and prefers to pretend I don’t exist after 6 years) but I would have a problem with it being enforced and I would get out now if I were you. If she is like this, and he won’t challenge it, you will have years and years of misery ahead of you.

I think it is good to meet the ex if possible ..i have seceral times and we get on ok. Its a bit odd having it as a rule but it is her kids. If you nothing to hide then why not...if she wants to ' vet' you....ao what? Let her. If it causes trouble afterwards then worry.

Several*

I was always open to meeting the ex, I was a bit narked to be told we “had” to meet before we could do x, y and z. It came across as entitled and demanding. It should be a collaborative request - borne out of genuine curiosity and a desire for cohesion and not control IMO.