Meeting other parent before meeting SC?

[Fairygodmotherplease]

SC's mum has a rule that any partners need to meet her before the kids.

Bf and I have been together nearly a year. Covid and distance will make meeting her first very tricky. I don't see the point in the rule. She has me added on Facebook as a friend, I'm not a mystery.

Has anyone else had to meet the other parent first? Would you agree to it?

@Martinisarebetterdirty

I’m an (amicable split) ex wife. I tried so hard to insist on this but exDH ignored me. Let me tell you why I wanted to. Firstly, if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me (this was to try and stop him introducing them to everyone and confusing them). Secondly if she is going to be involved in our children’s lives then it’s good to have communication lines open and to try and forge a friendly relationship. Thirdly, I was thinking about the future when we will necessarily have to meet at family events, it would be so much better if we know each other and there is no awkwardness. It was nothing to do with not trusting who he dated or wanting to vet her, it was everything to do with being amicable for the children. Incidentally, he didn’t let her meet me first, she refuses to let him talk to me about anything apart from the children (we used to have coffee together or lunch weekly or so), so now we have a very clandestine friendship and she is kept in the dark. It also makes it very awkward for our children as we can’t all pop out for a coffee if we bump in to each other. ( For the record neither of us want to get back together and I am very happy with new DP so not looking to get him back)! I don’t see the harm in meeting her, assuming her reasons are like mine were. It’s so much better if you are all able to be friends.

Whilst good reasons they still undermine your ex and suggest you don’t trust his judgment if you really think that it’s only you acting as gatekeeper that would prevent any issues.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to meet the new partner, but it sounds like you’re trying to build a narrative to as a cover to what is quite a controlling, self serving request.

Firstly, if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me (this was to try and stop him introducing them to everyone and confusing them)

Where to start with this. I have been in a serious relationship with my DP for years and would not want to meet his ex, for various reasons that I am perfectly entitled to. I can see why YOU would want to meet her and ensure she is the kind of person who will prioritise a friendly relationship with her SCs mum, but the fact remains you have absolutely no right to dictate that she has to be that sort of person, and want the same. It isn't up to you.

@malificent7

I think it is good to meet the ex if possible ..i have seceral times and we get on ok. Its a bit odd having it as a rule but it is her kids. If you nothing to hide then why not...if she wants to ' vet' you....ao what? Let her. If it causes trouble afterwards then worry.

Self respect? Not having any interest in putting yourself out there to satisfy her whims and be treated that way?

I would want to meet any person who was going to be spending time with my children in a parental role. If they were young children, I would be quite insistent about it. I'm surprised others wouldn't tbh, in what other situation would you be ok with a complete stranger to you being in close contact with your children, possibly sleeping in the same house?

I'm not saying I would have any actual rights in the matter, but I think most mothers would want to meet someone who was going to act in a quasi parental role for their children?

I would block her on Facebook.

I once made the mistake of posting something about where I was and all Merry hell kicked off when EW saw it. You can block her and not have to unfriend her. Seriously this is a way she is watching what you do and any jealousy she will kick off and probably try to use the children to have some control. Block!

I wouldn't do this.

It is not up to her whether or when you meet her child. If she trusts her ex to look after his child then she needs to trust him to only bring good people into their life.

I personally don't see the point in people insisting to meet anyway - I feel like it's just a blatant power play. What happens if she doesn't like you? Does she think your DP will split up with you or never introduce you to their child?

I just feel like the whole point of it is trying to let you know who's boss by insisting that you go through her before meeting your DP's child. No way would I agree.

@Martinisarebetterdirty

I’m an (amicable split) ex wife. I tried so hard to insist on this but exDH ignored me. Let me tell you why I wanted to. Firstly, if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me (this was to try and stop him introducing them to everyone and confusing them). Secondly if she is going to be involved in our children’s lives then it’s good to have communication lines open and to try and forge a friendly relationship. Thirdly, I was thinking about the future when we will necessarily have to meet at family events, it would be so much better if we know each other and there is no awkwardness. It was nothing to do with not trusting who he dated or wanting to vet her, it was everything to do with being amicable for the children. Incidentally, he didn’t let her meet me first, she refuses to let him talk to me about anything apart from the children (we used to have coffee together or lunch weekly or so), so now we have a very clandestine friendship and she is kept in the dark. It also makes it very awkward for our children as we can’t all pop out for a coffee if we bump in to each other. ( For the record neither of us want to get back together and I am very happy with new DP so not looking to get him back)! I don’t see the harm in meeting her, assuming her reasons are like mine were. It’s so much better if you are all able to be friends.

Sorry but these reasons just aren't valid.

Firstly, if it’s serious enough to be introduced to our children then why would she not want to meet me (this was to try and stop him introducing them to everyone and confusing them).

Why WOULD she want to meet you? Personally I have no desire to meet or spend time with any of my partner's exes, children or not. If it happens in passing, then fine. But why would she want to put herself in a position for you to form any kind of opinion on her?

Secondly if she is going to be involved in our children’s lives then it’s good to have communication lines open and to try and forge a friendly relationship. Thirdly, I was thinking about the future when we will necessarily have to meet at family events, it would be so much better if we know each other and there is no awkwardness.

But both of these things can be achieved over time - there is absolutely no need to insist on meeting her before she meets your children. Making her feel like you are the gatekeeper for them and she needs to pass this test in order to be allowed to meet them. Also, meeting her is not needed in order for things to be 'amicable'. You can still both be respectful about each other around the children.

I think you probably know full well that your ex's new partner wouldn't have gone from meeting your children one day to being a full-blown stepmother the next. Similarly, you likely would have met in passing at some point - as I did with my DP's ex at a drop-off where I happened to be present. She never insisted that she must meet me before I met them.

Incidentally, he didn’t let her meet me first, she refuses to let him talk to me about anything apart from the children (we used to have coffee together or lunch weekly or so), so now we have a very clandestine friendship and she is kept in the dark.

Tbh I think it's pretty strange that either you or your ex feel the need to chat to each other about stuff not involving the children, and certainly that you sneak around in order to do so! You sound very entangled still.

It is not up to her whether or when you meet her child. If she trusts her ex to look after his child then she needs to trust him to only bring good people into their life.

And if she doesn't trust him?

I personally don't see the point in people insisting to meet anyway - I feel like it's just a blatant power play

That's such an odd notion. It's not a power play, its a "who is this person who will be in close proximity to my child/ren going forward?".

Would you send your kids off to be with complete strangers in literally any other circumstances?

@AtSwimTwoBerts

It is not up to her whether or when you meet her child. If she trusts her ex to look after his child then she needs to trust him to only bring good people into their life.

And if she doesn't trust him?

I personally don't see the point in people insisting to meet anyway - I feel like it's just a blatant power play

That's such an odd notion. It's not a power play, its a "who is this person who will be in close proximity to my child/ren going forward?".

Would you send your kids off to be with complete strangers in literally any other circumstances?

If she doesn't trust him then she should be filing for full custody. And yes I would send my kids off to be with strangers, if they were also with their dad.

Like I said before, I totally get why you would WANT to meet them, and I get that it must be tough as this is the first real hurdle that can show that you don't have control over everything that happens in your kids lives after having split with your ex. But the harsh reality is the partner is a real living person, and they have absolutely no obligation to be up for indulging your desire to meet them. It beco es a power play if you are unable to respect that.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

It is not up to her whether or when you meet her child. If she trusts her ex to look after his child then she needs to trust him to only bring good people into their life.

And if she doesn't trust him?

I personally don't see the point in people insisting to meet anyway - I feel like it's just a blatant power play

That's such an odd notion. It's not a power play, its a "who is this person who will be in close proximity to my child/ren going forward?".

Would you send your kids off to be with complete strangers in literally any other circumstances?

Yeah I would?? And parents do every day, if the other parent is in attendance.

Does this mean dad can't take his child to regular sports clubs or events until mum has met the instructor beforehand? Or if he has another parent friend who he spends the day with every time he has the kids, does the mum have to meet them first too? Or if dad's brother gets a new girlfriend and dad regularly invites them over when he has the children....does mum have to meet her first too?

I don't think it's about the whole stranger thing; it is a very specific requirement by some mothers when it comes to new girlfriends only, and it's usually long before any living together is on the cards.

It's about the mum either B) wanting to assert her power by making the new partner come and stand in front of her before meeting her children, or B) it's a delaying tactic to hold off the dad being able to introduce a new partner until he has organised this meet and greet.

And yeah, as ASofanearyou says above, if the mum genuinely doesn't trust that the children are safe with their dad and his judgement then she should have more concerns than his new girlfriend.

Like I said before, I totally get why you would WANT to meet them, and I get that it must be tough as this is the first real hurdle that can show that you don't have control over everything that happens in your kids lives after having split with your ex.

I think you've absolutely nailed it here. When parents split, they do lose control over things that happen in the other's lives and households, and that can be very hard, particularly for a mother who may have run every aspect of the children's lives up until that point.

While my DP's ex never insisted on this meeting thing, I know she did struggle when he first had the children without her as she didn't know when he was putting them to bed, what he was feeding them etc. She used to send him instructions or reminders and he eventually just had to tell her to stop.

It's about the mum either B) wanting to assert her power by making the new partner come and stand in front of her before meeting her children, or B) it's a delaying tactic to hold off the dad being able to introduce a new partner until he has organised this meet and greet.

Absolutely it’s complete power play.

Does this mean dad can't take his child to regular sports clubs or events until mum has met the instructor beforehand?

If the instructor is sleeping over in the house with the kids, it does, yes!

It's absolutely nothing to do with being a power play. Its simply that if your children are going to be in the care and company of another adult, any parent would want to meet that adult. It's literally basic parenting. I understand that in practice, its rarely that simple, but in theory, I find it utterly bizarre that any parent would not agree with me.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

I don’t think it’s odd to want to meet them, but wanting to meet them and demanding to meet them whist stipulating that meeting must happen before they are introduced to the kids is another matter.

Either way - what does the DM propose if she doesn’t like them?

If the partners is a threat to her children they’re not likely to turn up with a sign on their head confirming as much, are they? So practically - what is the DM hoping to achieve?

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Does this mean dad can't take his child to regular sports clubs or events until mum has met the instructor beforehand?

If the instructor is sleeping over in the house with the kids, it does, yes!

It's absolutely nothing to do with being a power play. Its simply that if your children are going to be in the care and company of another adult, any parent would want to meet that adult. It's literally basic parenting. I understand that in practice, its rarely that simple, but in theory, I find it utterly bizarre that any parent would not agree with me.

I don't think any parent is saying they wouldn't want to meet them, just that they recognise that they don't have the power to demand or expect it.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Does this mean dad can't take his child to regular sports clubs or events until mum has met the instructor beforehand?

If the instructor is sleeping over in the house with the kids, it does, yes!

It's absolutely nothing to do with being a power play. Its simply that if your children are going to be in the care and company of another adult, any parent would want to meet that adult. It's literally basic parenting. I understand that in practice, its rarely that simple, but in theory, I find it utterly bizarre that any parent would not agree with me.

But what will the meeting achieve?

You will literally just be putting a face to a name, you won't get to know the person at all during a brief first meeting, especially when the other person will likely be massively on edge.

What happens if you get a bad feeling from them? You can't ban your ex from introducing them, regardless of the impression you get from that first meeting. Why would having a coffee with someone for 20 minutes make you feel better about them sleeping in the same house as your kids?

I just genuinely can't see what the end game is for the parent in question, unless they are intending to lay down a list of ground rules to the new partner. In which case that's something they should take up with their ex anyway.

I would imagine the mother goes into in the hope of being reassured that they are nice, normal, and not child-eater! Why assume it has to be something bad or malicious? It's unlikely to be anything more than a simple desire to be acquainted with a person who could be a significant part of your childs life. Simple as that.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

I would imagine the mother goes into in the hope of being reassured that they are nice, normal, and not child-eater! Why assume it has to be something bad or malicious? It's unlikely to be anything more than a simple desire to be acquainted with a person who could be a significant part of your childs life. Simple as that.

Again though, there isn't any need to say this is a condition that needs to be met before the new partner meets the children. I understand stipulating not introducing new partners before you've been together 6 months or something, but not that the ex must meet a new partner before the children do.

My DP's ex never asked to meet me but I'm sure she asked her children about me and whether I was nice etc etc. She was happy as long as they were happy, and we did eventually meet at a handover when I just happened to be there. But that was about 3 years after I'd met the children!

OK for you, but I personally would want to meet them first. I don't see the issue. If I was the new partner I'd expect it and be fine with it as well.
Really not seeing the problem.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

OK for you, but I personally would want to meet them first. I don't see the issue. If I was the new partner I'd expect it and be fine with it as well. Really not seeing the problem.

And what would you do if the hypothetical partner was not ok with it?

I'd be worried why, and be rather unhappy about it. Not much else I could do about it.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

I'd be worried why, and be rather unhappy about it. Not much else I could do about it.

If it had been requested of me, the reason why I'd have said no is because I'd feel like she wanted to interview me or that she felt that I needed her to grant me permission to meet the children. I wouldn't have wanted to sit there feeling like she was judging me or evaluating whether I was good enough to be involved with her children when it really isn't her choice.

Certainly not anything sinister but just that as far as I'm concerned if my DP thinks the time is right for me to meet his kids then that is all that matters to me.

[quote Fairygodmotherplease]@Leaninghouse tbh he finds it hard to voice his own opinion to her. She's been known to send multiple long antagonistic messages when she doesn't agree with something and he fears her making issues with contact with his kids.
So, whatever she says, mostly goes.[/quote]
Yeah I would be running for the hills to be honest.

Exactly. There's really nothing sinister about them not wanting to meet.

Not everyone would feel comfortable in such set up. I certainly wasn’t looking forward to it.