Debate on the DAD or STEPDAD subject

[Roo060720]

Just fancy a debate because I had someone arguing with me yesterday saying it was totally wrong BUT...

Would you say it is wrong for a child to be brought up calling their stepfather, dad? Even if the father is not on the scene? Or even if he IS on the scene occasionally but doesn't help or support the mother financially, childcare wise or even ask how baby is?

No nasty comments!

My nieces and nephews call my brother Dad and also their biological father Dad. One day the oldest said to their mum, "why does Dad do Daddy things with me but Dad doesn't?" The child was asking about their biological Disney Dad.

To me it has everything to do with the age of the child and what the child goes with if presented with neutral options. What happened in my family was something like: This is Sally...to Mummy Sally (pre school age child saying it themselves) to Mummy if the child decides to drop the Sally as they get older.

I am Mummy X to one of my step children and would have been happy with X but it was their doing. The others call me X and have done since being very little. No problem with me.

I'd say it depends on the situation and isn't a blanket yes or no answer.

Depends on the age of the child
Depends on how long SF has been around.
Are the couple married..otherwise it's mum's boyfriend/partner.
Not supporting financially is not a reason to call someone else dad.

If the dad is absolutely not on the scene and SF has been around from the infact toddler stage...then maybe.

Another point is how committed to the child is the SF? As some tolerate the child to be in a relationship with the mum. They're not that fussed eith way...same with some SMs.

Some step fathers do not maintain a relationship with their SC if the couple split. I would be concerned that a child calls SF dad and he walks away after a split and doesn't look back.

I was made to call my stepdad, dad. I hated it and resented him and my mum for it. Looking back as an adult the problem was my mum, not him. He's actually the best of the parenting I got growing up.

I still wish they hadn't made me call him dad as a child, I could have come to that on my own as a teenager if I wanted. It caused unnecessary anxiety and conflict.

I think I was 7, don't get me wrong my actual dad was useless, but you don't see that as a child.

Calling someone mum or dad when they could just walk away is risky for a child, I think it should only happen if the step parent is adopting the child.

Lunar1 makes some very good points.

Oh gosh yes I was introduced to the oldest when they were in nappies. 7 is inappropriate I think!

If dad is on the scene and very much involved with being a coparent I don't think any child should be calling anyone dad but their biological father.

If biological father isn't on the scene then yes I would say a child can call a stepfather dad.

I was made to call my stepdad, dad.
I hated it and resented him and my mum for it. Looking back as an adult the problem was my mum, not him

Sorry for your experience.
I think it often is the bio parent that does this. Sometimes it's to spite the other parent.

I had a friend years ago when I was a child myself and her dad wanted her and her 2 younger siblings to call their SM Mum.

Her mum had passed away and I think her dad thought this made it okay, but she absolutely refused and would tell her siblings not to either, which her dad wasn't happy about.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions!

It's not personally happen to me but a friends new husband has been in babies life since 2 weeks so they see him as dad which I think is appropriate!

Possibly if Dad has no contact and has no interest.

I would expect this to be few and far between (unless we are talking about men that walk away when the find out about pregnancy) and I think really should be avoided if possible.

Calling him Dad is one thing. Him knowing he isn't his biological dad is important.

I was reading something recently where a 15 year old grew up thinking her mums husband was her dad.

He passed away and she didn't know any different until mum was terminally ill and she told DD the truth before looking for her bio dad, who never knew he had a DD.

Unfortunately mum passed away...and she is now having to form a relationship with her dad that she just found out about...as well as grieving for her mum at 15.

I agree with @SandyY2K - calling him Dad is fine but the child should definitely be raised from the start to know that this man is not their biological father. I do think this is important personally.

I have had two serious relationships since my DC was born. Biological dad has no involvement. Both subsequent partners wanted to allow my DC to call them dad and thought it was 'odd' of me not to allow it/actively dissuade DC from referring to them as dad. Well, obviously I split up with both of them - can you imagine poor DC looking back and making sense of 'real dad who isn't around, second dad who isn't around, third dad who isn't around'. However I appreciate it does work when you stay with your partner forever, but at what point can you be confident enough that the relationship won't break down?

My SF married my mother when I was 12.
He asked me to call him Dad after one of my DC died.
I was 40!
I still think it's one of the nicest questions anyone ever asked me. I realised he truly thought of me as "his".
It was never suggested to me as a child, though.

It's not something I could ever ask of my children. If it happened naturally and all parties were happy with it then yes, I'd let it happen.

However, from family experience, the child NEEDS to know the truth from the start. As soon as they are old enough to take things in they should have little bit dropped into their knowledge IFKWIM? Otherwise they feel lied to, which of course they have been. The biggest issue for my family members were that they felt embarrassed that the whole family knew the truth and they were in the dark.

My 'step' dad is 100 % my dad, I also have my bio dad who is every bit as equal, spent every weekend with my bio dad.

Apparently I asked to call my step dad dad when my half siblings were born, before then I called him by his name, I have no recollection of this, this would have been before I was 4. He's been in my life since I was 2.

Whatever is decided, the child should definitely be told about their bio father.

My mum and SD died before I was a teen. I was then raised by my SD's family. No-one told me until I was 17 that my SD wasn't my bio dad. But I had already worked it out.

Now, there seems to be no-one who can tell me who my bio dad is. Some days it's pretty hard to get my head around.

@weequickone

My mum and SD died before I was a teen. I was then raised by my SD's family. No-one told me until I was 17 that my SD wasn't my bio dad. But I had already worked it out.

Now, there seems to be no-one who can tell me who my bio dad is. Some days it's pretty hard to get my head around.

I'm sorry about that.
In a post above I mentioned a similar scenario, except the mum was dying and told her DD that who she thought was her dad, wasn't.

I'm not keen on deceiving or not being honest about paternity to the child.

My cousins DCs call her partner Dad and his parents Nan and Gandad, now their DCs call him grandad and so in.

Same with my brother, been in his sons life since 10 months old. He’s always called my parents Nan and grandad, me Aunty etc... but my brother who has always called him son never felt right letting him call him Dad, he felt it was disrespectful to his bio dad who my brother was friends with once. When talking about my brother my nephew will always refer to him as my Dad, over time my brother has happily accepted it.

Saying all that, I would never be happy if my DCs ever called anyone else Mum.

Depends on situation, my friends son calls his stepdad dad, his biological day abused his mother, after she left he hasn't bothered with seeing his kid (grandparents still have regular contact so easy) but refused to allow stepdad to adopt.

Another friends kids were older and didn't at first but both decided to as they love him.

If there is someone who is acting like a dad and then someone who isn’t acting like a dad then it’s not surprising that a child would call them dad and everyone would presume he’s the dad

My DP refers to his stepdad as his "dad". He doesn't remember his bio dad, who died when DP was very young.

He was always aware growing up that stepdad wasn't his bio dad, and says he did throw the "you're not my dad" etc at him as a child. However, after stepdad and mum split up, DP continues to regard stepdad as his dad, and he's treated as an equal grandparent to DC and SDC with my parents.

That last bit was clumsily worded, ignore the bit about my parents as it's confusing. I just mean that he was in all the DC's life from birth as a grandparent even though he was not with MIL at that point.

@user1493413286

If there is someone who is acting like a dad and then someone who isn’t acting like a dad then it’s not surprising that a child would call them dad and everyone would presume he’s the dad

The problem I think is that these things are subjective.

It would be easier if there was a simple name for a step dad that could be used to recognise the importance of step dads role but also not diminish the biological parents status.

I would feel just as strongly in the case of a Mother / Step Mother as asking my kids to call another woman Mom just seems wrong.

It depends on a lot of varying circumstances. My DH’s son came home asking who his Daddy was for weeks on end because his Mother had told him her new BF was Daddy. He couldn’t understand how he had two. It was really unsettling. He’d say “is this Daddy’s house” that wasn’t ok and DH pointed out that I am called by my first name despite being on the scene several years vs months. When DH and I first got together, I was told completely unprovoked that I wasn’t his mother - so it was totally hypocritical.

BUT if a man has raised a child as his own then I do think there’s some truth in the notion of biology doesn’t make a parent (and I believe the same to be true for Mother’s). Also I think when the parents have more children it’s more likely. I do think it should always come from the children and not the parents though.

@stout01 it is up to the child to call an adult who is married/with their parent "mum" or "dad". Any adult who tries to force it is unhinged.

I know various people who call/called their step-father "dad". This is because their biological father buggered off. Not all of them were toddlers when they met their mother's new husband.

I also know someone who called their mother's partner "dad" when they were younger and now calls him by his name now hey is older.

I've met far fewer people who call their step-mother just "mum". Mainly because fewer mothers bugger off completely out of their children's lives.