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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling Step Mum after advice

36 replies

RebeccaSMnewbie · 08/02/2021 17:04

Hi all,

My SO of 4 years has a 9 yo daughter and we are currently doing week with us, week with her mum, homeschooling etc.

I have no kids of my own yet (but would love some with SO) but I'm a school teacher so have some experience.

I try not to comment when she's here but I'm struggling with some of the things she's allowed to do here that she's not at her mums, and I wouldn't allow either. e.g. lots of screen time even though all school is on screen atm, very little outdoor walks or exercise of any kind, what I think is late to bed.

Any advice from other childless step mums? Should I say anything? SO tends to react badly to any kind of comment or suggestions, however nicely framed. Kind of worry that when we have kids of our own things will be difficult in terms of how we want to raise child.

Feeling really down about it so words of advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LaCicciolina · 08/02/2021 17:10

You sound lovely - him not so much so. Are you sure you want a long term relationship and children with someone who you have to walk on egg shells around? You should be able to discuss anything with a partner without fear of a bad reaction.

Pippa234 · 08/02/2021 17:11

Leave and save yourself years of misery.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive but there's red flags all over this one.

NoPinkPlease · 08/02/2021 17:13

You do sound lovely. I think what might be a good approach is about what you might be up for doing with your stepdaughter. I do always find it hard when my Dp suggests I should do something different with my kids if that's going to be on me to do - as I'm sort of full up right now! I am been a step mum too - so know how it feels on that side.

So, it could be an opportunity for you to instigate walks with your stepdaughter etc? Would that work?

Ilovethewild · 08/02/2021 17:16

Can you give specifics op?

We have more screen time than usual as Cv19 has messed up everything! No activities, no clubs, all learning on screens, but kids also need down time.
They don’t always want to go out.

What’s the routine, what would you want to change? How late is bedtime? Do they get up ok in morning?

Agree with others thou, this is not good that you are so different about these issues however it’s not your child so mum and dad get to decide/agree

Notcrackersyet · 08/02/2021 17:42

I think if your partner is not open to discussing parenting that’s not a good sign. I never have that problem with my partner. Even if we ultimately agree to disagree, he welcomes my thoughts and ideas.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 17:50

SO tends to react badly to any kind of comment or suggestions, however nicely framed. Kind of worry that when we have kids of our own things will be difficult in terms of how we want to raise child.

Yup. There it is. Reread this a 100 times and start listening to your gut. You and your partner are not suited to have children together. Please, please take the blinders off and get out of this relationship before you waste any more of your youth on this man. There will be no happy future with him.

Witchymclovely · 08/02/2021 17:55

Unfortunately this doesn’t sound like a good start. If your getting this kind of problem now then you defo need a very honest discussion with your partner. DO NOT have children until this has been addressed. He can’t behave this way. Adding another child into your family will make things worse. Sorry OP, it’s not a disaster yet! But it could be. Now you know the potential problems - read other posters problems- and have a good think.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 17:58

Should I say anything? SO tends to react badly to any kind of comment or suggestions, however nicely framed

Do you mean say anything, again? Because it sounds like you’ve already said something and he didn’t react well. So you know how he will react if you say anything again. So no, there isn’t much point in saying anything.

What you should do is watch how he parents his child and decide whether that is suitable parenting for any child you will have, because this is who he is, he won’t change, people don’t, they are who they are, this is him.

So you’re options are;

accept this is how he parents and make your peace with it, but don’t have his baby;

accept this is how he parents, make your peace with it, have his baby and hope for the best;

Accept this is how he parents and that you can’t make peace with it so end the relationship and have children with someone who parents like you want your child parented.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 18:05

You have clear insight into his parenting style.

You have clear insight into his reaction to comments and suggestions, no matter how nicely framed.

Given that knowledge....and knowledge is power...why would you logically want to remain in a relationship and have DC with him?

Love really isn't enough when you have such different views on important issues like this.

Original poster

RebeccaSMnewbie · 08/02/2021 18:16

I'm prone to overreacting/overthinking certain things too, so trying to consider his side too. When I say "badly" I mean closed off, doesn't care, claims that he would care if it was our kid not just his, but obviously things like that make you question. His daughter is so good and healthy and seems happy, and I don't take issue with his fundamental parenting style, there are just parts of it I think I would do differently, but bringing up specifics always leads to SO making sweeping statements like "you hate my parenting style" which isn't strictly true, like I say, just certain parts of it I think i would do differently.

OP posts:

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 18:21

When I say "badly" I mean closed off, doesn't care, claims that he would care if it was our kid not just his,

That’s actually quite shocking that he would say that out loud to anyone with ears.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 18:29

claims that he would care if it was our kid not just his

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? FGS. I would be running miles away from this disaster.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 18:30

He’s basically saying he only cares about the child for as long as he’s getting to share a bed with it’s mother.

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2021 18:33

I mean closed off, doesn't care, claims that he would care if it was our kid not just his

What does that mean, he doesn't care about his daughter?

LatentPhase · 08/02/2021 18:33

Does he mean ‘I would take you seriously if you were her mum’

Rather than: I don’t give a crap because she’s not an ‘ours baby’ (which is what that sounded like..)?

Original poster

RebeccaSMnewbie · 08/02/2021 18:58

@pinkyredrose no, as in he doesn't care about my opinion because it's not my kid

@LatentPhase that's what I struggle to work out. I'm hoping the latter...

To be clear, it's not that he doesn't care about his kid. He doesn't care for my opinion on his kid, as she's not mine.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority he's not with his daughter's mum!

What I'm worried about is if we have kids, and he thinks he has more of a say in parenting decisions because he's "done it before"

OP posts:

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 19:00

he's not with his daughter's mum!

Yes, that’s exactly my point!

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2021 19:01

What I'm worried about is if we have kids, and he thinks he has more of a say in parenting decisions because he's "done it before

Did he have a habit of not listening to you and dismissing you? (Not just in regards to his kid)

sassbott · 08/02/2021 19:13

My kids have tons more screen time atm. Welcome to covid.
They’re also getting to bed later as they’re not up at 7am (usual school routine), they’re up at 8am/ 8.30am. Online lessons start at 9am.
They’re also outdoors less as the weather has been grim and Im working tons.

So if anyone came into my house right now and criticised my parenting, they too would get very short shrift. And it’s not based on whether they’re a parent or not. It’s based on the fact that it’s a pandemic and everyone needs to do what works for them/ their kids to get through.

School will be back soon enough - along with less screen time, sporting activities / after school clubs, bedtime routines.

For now, most parents are just getting by.

sassbott · 08/02/2021 19:15

My best friend (also childless) works with children so has experience. I love her to pieces but I have to say right now that even if she thought I should up my parenting, I’m not sure my response would be the kindest words to ever leave my mouth.

PokemonTrainerRed · 08/02/2021 19:35

You're right to be worried.
Having 2 kids with different rules and expectations is asking for trouble.
Major red flag that he shuts down any discussion about his dd by pulling the parent card. I hope he's doing the homeschooling and dealing with her rattiness from lack of sleep.
If you weren't planning on kids I'd say that only complain about the bits that affect you eg if her late night involved keeping you up late but you're right to see warning signs that he can't discuss things without getting defensive

Original poster

RebeccaSMnewbie · 08/02/2021 19:57

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority I don't really understand your point. He's not cheating. He's not even allowed in her mum's house atm because of covid worries.

@sassbott I appreciate that, and as a teacher I'm particularly aware of all the screen times kids (and their teachers!!) are getting, and how hard it is for families to balance everything. I'm not trying to put pressure on him to "do better" or anything like that because I know how much of an impact this all has on everyone's mental health, mine included. Byt I'm not "coming in to his house" because it's my house too, and sometimes these things he's allowing her to do affect me too. She's up later yes because school starts later, but my school starts at 8:25, so I'm often disturbed by her when she does wake up (just kids being kids obvs) likewise the lack of exercise means she doesn't sleep particularly well and I'm a light sleeper so if she's up I'm up. I do all the cleaning/tidying up after her because otherwise it's not done and that has a negative effect on my mental health.

These however are things that were happening before the pandemic. A problem is that sometimes he will ask my opinion, then get shirty with my response. For a bit of perspective, we do a weekly quiz virtually with my parents, couple of hours on a weekend, but that's "too much for him", but he won't then allow me to say that sometimes I need space when his daughter is here because it can get a bit much for me. Even after 4 years, I think childless stepmums will still have days where it's just too much, surely?

@pinkyredrose he's not very good when anyone disagrees with him or tries to tell him things from a different viewpoint. Definitely a major weakness of his.

@PokemonTrainerRed thank you. It's so hard because I didn't want to post anything in case people thought I was just wanting a moan or to shoot him down. I never imagined i'd be a stepmum, and it is hard sometimes. It's important i think to talk to people in the same situation as I am in, which he can't seem to understand either.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2021 20:04

He sounds rather a wanker. Do you really want him to be the father of your children?

Original poster

RebeccaSMnewbie · 08/02/2021 20:12

@pinkyredrose he's very sensitive, but doesn't want to admit to that, so it manifests in standoffishness I think.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 20:20

This man doesn't even attempt to listen to you, take your needs into consideration, or deal with issues as mature partners do, and yet you seem to keep defending him and minimising his treatment of you. He's not "sensitive", he's a selfish prick.

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