Struggling Step Mum after advice

[RebeccaSMnewbie]

Hi all,

My SO of 4 years has a 9 yo daughter and we are currently doing week with us, week with her mum, homeschooling etc.

I have no kids of my own yet (but would love some with SO) but I'm a school teacher so have some experience.

I try not to comment when she's here but I'm struggling with some of the things she's allowed to do here that she's not at her mums, and I wouldn't allow either. e.g. lots of screen time even though all school is on screen atm, very little outdoor walks or exercise of any kind, what I think is late to bed.

Any advice from other childless step mums? Should I say anything? SO tends to react badly to any kind of comment or suggestions, however nicely framed. Kind of worry that when we have kids of our own things will be difficult in terms of how we want to raise child.

Feeling really down about it so words of advice would be appreciated.

He’s been unreasonable . You sound helpful and you have a lot of experience as a teacher , especially with homeschooling.

I don’t know. I’m usually on the side of stepmoms but like pp, I too am not sure how kindly I would take comments from the childless about how bad a parent I am right now in the middle of a pandemic. Not that such comments ever go down that well!

If you are going to spend your life with someone who has children then you will inevitably have opinions.
Sometimes you choose not to air them because it really doesn’t affect you and your life and it’s a case of choosing your battles - ie SC is allowed more sweets than you’d ideally let your own kids have.
But there are times where your opinion and thoughts and feelings will absolutely be valid and should be considered by your DP.

The fact that your DP won’t even have a conversation about his child is a massive red flag.
Even if he said “hmmm yeah I appreciate what you’re saying but I’m ok with how things are, but thank you for caring” that would be something.
Refusing to allow you to engage or put forward an opinion and then when you do, getting defensive and sulky and passive aggressive are signs of someone who isn’t mature enough to handle the complex dynamics of a blended family.

This is a huge red flag. Do not have children with him until he displays a massive change of behaviour.

If he doesn’t then you have two choices. Leave and find someone who isn’t a defensive dick or stay and spend your life being disrespected and discounted in your own home.

You only have to read the daily posts on this topic to know it’s VERY common to end up miserable as a step parent (rarely because of the children - it’s usually the fault of the partner)

For a bit of perspective, we do a weekly quiz virtually with my parents, couple of hours on a weekend, but that's "too much for him", but he won't then allow me to say that sometimes I need space when his daughter is here because it can get a bit much for me

He won't let you? Who put him in charge? This goes further than his parenting style. Seriously think about whether this relationship is worth any more of your time.

Your second post is actually very different to your first. This isn’t about the ins and outs of what he’s doing with his child (I.e his parenting per se). It’s about your needs amongst all of this.

The fact that the child wakes you, the late bedtime is not conducive to your earlier start for work. Lack of exercise = poor sleep for you. You’re clearing up after the child as it’s poor for your mental health. Then the comment about him not allowing you space when his child is there?

That’s not just about parenting. It’s about consideration for another persons needs. He chose to live with you and if the routines (or lack of) impact you this much then I would give serious thought to whether this is a man you want your own child with.

Why on earth are you cleaning up after them? Blows my mind how many women do this.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

He’s basically saying he only cares about the child for as long as he’s getting to share a bed with it’s mother

He's not saying he doesn't care about his child. He's saying he doesn't care for the OPs opinion because it's not her child.

As in...you don't get to tell me what I do with my kid.

but he won't then allow me to say that sometimes I need space when his daughter is here because it can get a bit much for me.

That's where you need to speak up and say, you understand that your parents are too much for him sometimes and the same applies to his DD.

However, you need to think if you can do this long term. His DD isn't going anywhere and from his POV... his DD may be a bit much for him sometimes, but she's his and he can't escape.

Maybe it's not for you. He does come across like he thinks he know it all and has expectations of you, that you're not happy with.

Things like he won't allow me don't bode well tbh.

I don't think he'll suddenly listen to your opinion when it's your child.

The amount of dickhead arrogant men I've heard described by their partners as 'sensitive'

Honestly OP it's such a cliché. I think you can do better, you sound like a lovely person.

It's in your home so, yes, you should be able to speak up and not have to worry about his reaction.

but he won't then allow me to say that sometimes I need space when his daughter is here because it can get a bit much for me.

Why does he get a say? She's his kid not yours, she's there to see him. If you need space go and take it FFS, he's not YOUR dad, you don't need his permission. If he doesn't like it, well tough. He sounds awful I'm afraid. Wouldn't have kids with this one if I were you.

This is unfortunately part and parcel of dating someone with children, you are all ready seeing first hand what their parenting skills are like, would you want to raise a child with him?
As for suggesting things to him about his child, you have no say, it's not your child, you will just have to put up with it now and for the future I'm afraid and not let it bother you, otherwise walk away because it will never change and will likely get worse over the years.

You are getting a brilliant opportunity to have a trial of having a kid with h8m without having to actually do it.

It doesn’t sound like yours and his would be compatible and it also sounds like you’d end up doing everything, why are you the one cleaning up?

I think you need a good long think. Step parenting is hard and often thankless, you need to be on the same page.