Wills and blended families.

[wheredoesthemoneygo]

Husband and I are looking at getting our wills sorted.
We have 5 children altogether, he has 3 with his ex and we have 2 together.

In the event we did we have life insurance that will pay off the majority of the mortgage and leave a cash sum of £300,000 (this needs reviewing as we've moved to a bigger house and had an extra child)

I just thought we'd split it all equally between them all but when I say this people say I'm being stupid so interested to hear how others would suggest it's done or how you have done it yourselves.

I'm from a split family and both my parents remarried.

My dad has me and my sister and his wife has 2 children, none together, I have no idea how his will is set up. I've never ask as I'm not all that fussed.

My mum and her husband have a child together. Their will is set up so that my half-sister inherits half the estate and me and my sister inherit a quarter. I respect their decision.

My family is quite wealthy so there is potential for there to be a fairly large estate on both sides, particularly my dads side (which is why my mum set her will as she has)

My husbands family have nothing, he definitely won't inherit anything from them.

Speaking to friends about these kind of things they seem to have very strong opinions on how 'terrible' my mum is treating me with her will, yet on the same hand tell me I'm putting my own children at a disadvantage in splitting evenly.

If it makes any difference my SC mum has nothing and as it stands wouldn't have much in terms of inheritance to leave them.

What would you do?

Well, in your position I would want it to be split 50/50 between you and your husband, and then your half to be split between your two and his to be split between his five. I think that is perfectly reasonable, but that doesn't mean you are wrong if you WANT to include your SC in your inheritance. It's very generous in my opinion and I wouldn't do it, but entirely up to you.

In terms of your mother, I would have expected you to end up with less for the above reason, because half the assets are your stepdad's, rather than because they deem you to be already covered by your dad, so I can see why people don't view that decision as quite the same as you making a similar choice for different reasons.

@wheredoesthemoneygo I don't think there's a right and wrong for wills - it depends on individuals and circumstances. If you view all children as 'yours' then split everything evenly as you see fit.
That being said there are many blended families where things aren't so blended and if people only want to provide for their dc in a will then that's ok too.

I think it makes a big difference that your DSC are expecting nothing from their mum. Because of that, I think what you are doing is a good thing - generous of you, but in a good way if you see what I mean.

I think it makes a big difference that your DSC are expecting nothing from their mum. Because of that, I think what you are doing is a good thing - generous of you, but in a good way if you see what I mean.

Interesting, given how often it's said that a step parent shouldn't take it into account if they stand to inherit a LOT from the other side.

I don't think you should pay attention to what they will or won't be inheriting elsewhere. Remember, inheritance is not an essential, the children should all be self sufficient in their own right, they will not be destitute due to not inheriting. It is simply a gift. You should consider your own relationship with them and if you WANT to share your life's earnings equally with them as with your own children.

You might find this current thread helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4155311-DSD-and-wills

I’ve done what @aSofaNearYou near you says.

My stepchildren have their own Mother to inherit from, which of course my children won’t get a share of so I don’t consider they should get a share of mine.

I agree inheritance isn't a given and how my parents decide to manage their own finances doesn't really bother me in the slightest.
That said, I know that my sister is very put out by my mum and stepdads will and sees it as unfair to the point it has already caused a strained relationship between my full sister and my half sister. I know my sister I share both my parents with sees me in a very different light to my sister who has a different dad. I see no difference in them, they are both my sisters irrelevant of our parents but it does make me think that when I'm gone and my husband is gone that my children still have their older siblings in their lives and that money doesn't come between them. Which is why splitting evenly seems the best option to me.

Tbh, I would seek a consultation with an estate attorney or financial planner. Friends and family ( like forum respondents ) give well intentioned advice and input, but professionals give informed advice.

If you are truly concerned, it is worth the nominal cost of a consultation. If there is little money or not many other assets involved, common sense and fair judgment will probably guide you in a making a reasonable decision. Although, sometimes when there a very few assets in play, many people seem to act in an irrational manner.

I would split it evenly between all kids. That’s what I would have my will as. I have two kids and a step kid. Although she’s now a grown up. My children love her as though she is a full sister and so it would be weird to not include her equally. Reminds me that I need to sort the will out as we initially didn’t have it like that when we only had one child together.

It depends. If you are like a mother to them in life I can see why you’d want that to continue in death.
From what I gather, most step families don’t work like that, and step mums are just step mums.
My priority in life is my DS, and I’m sticking with that I death. I expect DH to treat his children equally. I do not expect DSDs mum to make any provision for my DS.
We have things set up 50:50, my half goes to DS. It maybe not as obvious where there are only two kids but from what I’m seeing that’s an awful lot of money you’re notionally takin f from your children to give to someone else’s so you must all be very close.

DH and I have two children together and he has two from a previous relationship.

It’ll be split 50/50. My 50% goes to my two children. His 50% will be split between the four children.

So yes, our children together will benefit more but that’s life. Why should my half be handed over to someone else’s children? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think different families do different things

Our Will is split 50/50 between both DS's, even though DS1 isn't biologically DH's child. He's brought him up since he was a toddler and he wouldn't have it any other way.

I know a few blended families and I believe (based on past comments) that they will go down the step children not having a cut of step parents inheritance.

I feel lucky that DS1 is treated the way he is by DH. He may get a little bit of inheritance from his Dad, but it would likely be very small as there isn't really any money, no property and there's more children to split it between

We’ve done what a couple of people have suggested, DH’s half to his 3, mine to our 1.

As you say, needadvice54321, your husband has brought your son up and been an equal parent. Being with a non resident parent is different to a resident parent.

What if your parents both left money to you though and then you died first?

Would you be happy for stepchildren to receive an equal share? Surely there would be some provision to ring-fence?

[quote Magda72]@wheredoesthemoneygo I don't think there's a right and wrong for wills - it depends on individuals and circumstances. If you view all children as 'yours' then split everything evenly as you see fit.
That being said there are many blended families where things aren't so blended and if people only want to provide for their dc in a will then that's ok too.[/quote]
Yes I think that half each and to your own dc is an adult or not so blended arrangement. If you’ve been an active step parent of a child from small , absent huge variation in other expected support/inheritance, I don’t think I’d want to leave the memory of I tried to act as though I cared for you, hope I fooled you but now at the end no point pretending- nothing of mine for you oh unwanted one as my last act.

My stepmum of 25 odd years has no children of her own and is leaving her half to her nieces and nephews. My dad is loaded so her half is hugely bigger than it would have been had she not married him. Her siblings aren’t and she wants to help their kids which I think is a nice thing to do. Not inheriting from her doesn’t make my siblings or me feel she doesn’t love us. Why would we think that? I was a bridesmaid at their wedding, she’s my daughter’s granny, none of that is ruined by her financial planning. We’re not owed a penny by her. And we’ll potentially inherit far less from our dad because he’s married to her but we’d rather know he’d been happy with her and had her in our lives.

@AnneLovesGilbert what a lovely post & such a refreshing outlook. It wrecks my head when I hear adults claiming their parents owe them inheritance.

I have a DS and a DSS and have split it equally. As far as I am concerned they are equally entitled to it. (Which subject to ever needing care may be significant or bugger all).

@AnneLovesGilbert

As you say, needadvice54321, your husband has brought your son up and been an equal parent. Being with a non resident parent is different to a resident parent.

Oh yeah totally!

@timeisnotaline - I agree. I think people are well within their rights to do as they please, but it's sad when it leaves upset behind. My Dad was brought up by his step mum (his mum died when he was a baby), My grandad died first a few years ago, my Granny (dads stepmum) second within weeks. So she inherited everything from grandad, then when she died everything went to my aunt (stepmums and dads daughter)

The money didn't bother him (there was very little), it was the feeling that he'd lived as if granny was his mum etc but when it came to it, she didn't feel the same. It didn't help that her daughter turned nasty after her death too.

Sadly Dad has no contact with his sister or her family. It was just too hurtful to him.

That’s what I think @needadvice54321. It’s like you can be part of someone’s life for decades. Maybe 60/70 years. And then all of a sudden at the end, you show them that they’re not as important. I can imagine it leaving a bad feeling.

Most people seem to do what my mum has done and split 50/50 with your own share going to your own children. I'm just worried about bad feeling

Maybe I need to have a conversation with my dad and ask how inheritance stands currently. Maybe he can leave my share of his estate to my children rather than me and mine and my husbands can be split equally. That way I'm protecting my own a little more without the bad feelings between them as my SC have no relationship with my dad so maybe it wouldn't seem so unfair.

My main concern is my children still having a good relationship with their siblings when we are gone

It is obviously sad if the SC thought they were close enough to their SP to inherit alongside her biological kids, and this is how they found out otherwise, but I have to admit that potential sadness would not sway me on such an important decision.

I think the key is to manage expectations. You might have the kind of relationship with your SC where they would genuinely be surprised you don't view them exactly the same as your own children, in which case your relationship might be such that you might also actually feel that way about them. But my SS, who is far too young for all this, is already perfectly aware of whose parent is whose, and it doesn't upset him. If he carries that on there's really no reason for him to assume he would inherit from me equally to my DD. If he did in spite of the more realistic and measured relationship we have formed over the years, then it wouldn't really be my ultimate priority to pander to it.

@wheredoesthemoneygo
If your relationship with your SCs is such that you think they would be hurt by not receiving an inheritance from you as well, then split it accordingly. You know your family better than any of us.
In my case, and @aSofaNearYou , my DSD doesn’t have that relationship with me. If she needs a few quid for her games or whatever it’s her Dad she goes too - her actual parent - not me. So I have no reason at all to think she would expect money from me when I die, far less take it out on my DS that he received an inheritance from his own mother when she didn’t.