Wills and blended families.

[wheredoesthemoneygo]

Husband and I are looking at getting our wills sorted.
We have 5 children altogether, he has 3 with his ex and we have 2 together.

In the event we did we have life insurance that will pay off the majority of the mortgage and leave a cash sum of £300,000 (this needs reviewing as we've moved to a bigger house and had an extra child)

I just thought we'd split it all equally between them all but when I say this people say I'm being stupid so interested to hear how others would suggest it's done or how you have done it yourselves.

I'm from a split family and both my parents remarried.

My dad has me and my sister and his wife has 2 children, none together, I have no idea how his will is set up. I've never ask as I'm not all that fussed.

My mum and her husband have a child together. Their will is set up so that my half-sister inherits half the estate and me and my sister inherit a quarter. I respect their decision.

My family is quite wealthy so there is potential for there to be a fairly large estate on both sides, particularly my dads side (which is why my mum set her will as she has)

My husbands family have nothing, he definitely won't inherit anything from them.

Speaking to friends about these kind of things they seem to have very strong opinions on how 'terrible' my mum is treating me with her will, yet on the same hand tell me I'm putting my own children at a disadvantage in splitting evenly.

If it makes any difference my SC mum has nothing and as it stands wouldn't have much in terms of inheritance to leave them.

What would you do?

I think they do see me as more of a mother figure than their own mother. There's some deep routed issues between them and their mum and the relationship is strained. She's made a lot of bad choices with men over the years and they've often felt pushed out of her life.
If they need anything they would come and ask me before their own mother.
I treat them financially the same as my own now, I have savings accounts for them, which I personally set up and pay into although there isn't really any mine or his money in our house. We both put our share of bills into the joint account and keep our own extra money but things like food, additional expenses is just worked on a who has the money for it when it's needed basis.
The youngest was 2 when I met their dad, oldest was 8 I've been in their lives 10 years, well before my own children came alone, mine are still babies.
But all that said, whilst I care for them a lot, my feelings are obviously nowhere near the same as for my own children. As awful as it sounds as much as I like them and care about them, if I were to split from their dad then I don't think I'd loose much sleep over not seeing them again. It's such a strange position to be in because I would do anything for them if they needed it but would also know that there isn't that bond that I have with my own children. I tried to explain it to a friend who recently met a man with children. Its kind of similar to the relationship with my husband. I love him completely, but I do know if for any reason we would split up, I'd be fine without him and even thought it would hurt, I would move on. Same with his kids, which is worlds away from my own.
Probably well over thinking it all now!

It sounds like they are very lucky to have you in their lives 💐

I think the point is you know your family and the set up etc. In our situation we live as one family, one pot of money. If we were to split it accordingly in our wills (based on our input to the money pot) then my side would be tiny.
When DS2 was born, DH and I decided I would be a SAHM. We continued this through until DS2 started secondary (and DS1 finished secondary). Obviously DS1 benefitted having me at home, but the downside was that I didn't have an income. Neither DH or I feel it's fair that DS1 would be financially impacted in the Will, or day to day life, because of our decisions, and likewise DS2 benefitting that his Dad was able to move up higher in his career as there was never any childcare issues.

So that is one of the reasons we wouldn't split our will any other way - DH chose this before anyone jumps on me that he shouldn't be doing that!

@needadvice54321

I think the point is you know your family and the set up etc. In our situation we live as one family, one pot of money. If we were to split it accordingly in our wills (based on our input to the money pot) then my side would be tiny. When DS2 was born, DH and I decided I would be a SAHM. We continued this through until DS2 started secondary (and DS1 finished secondary). Obviously DS1 benefitted having me at home, but the downside was that I didn't have an income. Neither DH or I feel it's fair that DS1 would be financially impacted in the Will, or day to day life, because of our decisions, and likewise DS2 benefitting that his Dad was able to move up higher in his career as there was never any childcare issues.

So that is one of the reasons we wouldn't split our will any other way - DH chose this before anyone jumps on me that he shouldn't be doing that!

Yeh that seems fair in your circumstances. We are pretty equal in earnings and what we've bought to the household. I owned my house when I met him and he moved in, he did however do extensive work and we renovated it and therefore we made a fair amount when we sold it, I consider what was originally financially my contribution was matched, if not exceeded by the work he done so therefore when it sold there was a fair bit of equity which was used to purchase our home we both own. Protecting my deposit is something that has come up over the years with people saying I should protect my investment etc which on the surface seems sensible however the extra it sold for was massively increased because of his work and effort so I feel he's earned half, if that makes sense.

@wheredoesthemoneygo

Most people seem to do what my mum has done and split 50/50 with your own share going to your own children. I'm just worried about bad feeling

Maybe I need to have a conversation with my dad and ask how inheritance stands currently. Maybe he can leave my share of his estate to my children rather than me and mine and my husbands can be split equally. That way I'm protecting my own a little more without the bad feelings between them as my SC have no relationship with my dad so maybe it wouldn't seem so unfair.

My main concern is my children still having a good relationship with their siblings when we are gone

Just to point out, your mum hasn't done this.

If your mum had done this, she should have given her half equally to you and both your sisters. Therefore you and your full sister would have 1/6 each, your half sister would have 1/6 plus the remaining 50% from her dad.

You and your full sister are actually a little better off for your mum's arrangement than if they followed what people suggest.

There seems to be a factor you haven't mentioned. What about your husband. In a none blended family it would be usual for you to leave everything to your husband if he survives you and then it would be for the last surviving parent to distribute to children.

In a blended family this is more complex because of the children/step children issue and the trust that one partner may or may not have in the surviving spouse carrying out their wishes. This could be especially important if a spouse doesn't have a great relationship his/her step children as there is a possibility of a fall out and a change in the will before he/she dies. However if the first one to go leaves everything to their own children (or even all the children) then where does that leave the surviving spouse if a house has to be sold to pay out the inheritance to the kids. It can be done but needs to be properly thought through.

I come from a big stepfamily, I don’t know what I will inherit, and I don’t mind. I don’t feel I’m entitled to anything and whatever anyone chooses to do is up to them.

Dp and I have no children together, he has 3 and I have two. Our joint property will be split 50/50 and his three will share his half, my two my half. Any money I did inherit would be for my children only and the same for him. His DCs will also inherit from their mother, whereas my ex DH doesn’t have a pot to piss in. It seems quite easy to keep things separate as we don’t have joint children. When we bought a house together, we talked about possible issues and what ifs, so we could make a plan for them. I really wouldn’t like to think either of us are bringing up children who would do something like contest a will with our wishes in, but you just don’t know and it’s sensible to plan. There is something about inheritance that makes people behave very badly sometimes.

The way I look at it, my DC have 2 parents to inherit from, me and DH, and DSS has 2 parents to inherit from, his DM and DH.

Irrespective of the amounts to be left after death, the fairest situation is for each DC to inherit from their 2 parents directly.

I wouldn't reduce the share of my assets my DC are entitled to, to provide DSS with an extra inheritance from 3 parents, instead of his 2. That makes no sense to me.

@Mumski45

There seems to be a factor you haven't mentioned. What about your husband. In a none blended family it would be usual for you to leave everything to your husband if he survives you and then it would be for the last surviving parent to distribute to children.

In a blended family this is more complex because of the children/step children issue and the trust that one partner may or may not have in the surviving spouse carrying out their wishes. This could be especially important if a spouse doesn't have a great relationship his/her step children as there is a possibility of a fall out and a change in the will before he/she dies. However if the first one to go leaves everything to their own children (or even all the children) then where does that leave the surviving spouse if a house has to be sold to pay out the inheritance to the kids. It can be done but needs to be properly thought through.

My husband has said that he wants it so that whoever dies first, the other inherits the lot. He doesn't want to put us in a situation where me and my children are forced out of our home to allow his children access to the money immediately. I have pointed out the other side of this, that after he's gone I may choose to leave everything to my children and none to his but he says he knows I wouldn't do this. However, if he dies tomorrow and I don't see his children for the next 30 years, I'm much less likely to ensure they get their share! I'm not entirely happy with this arrangement as I wouldn't trust his ability to manage the finances after my death. He is totally clueless and if I die young and he remarries my children could end up with nothing and I won't let that happen.

Mmmm this has definitely highlighted lots more complexities to this situation than I originally thought, I think proper advice is the way forward!

You are right to look at this from all angles.
Your children or his could very easily end up with nothing either by accident or design because the law doesn’t recognise the step parent relationship.
The only way to make sure any of the children get what you want then to get is to leave it to them directly yourself. Life interest in houses and trusts etc should be explored to avoid your DHs concern about having to sell the house to pay out.

@wheredoesthemoneygo the more you think about the what ifs, the more complex it gets! DP had a whole thing in his head about how it would work with his kids and ex, and inheritance but it didn’t take into account her ever remarrying, which I think it quite a presumption!

I always personally think the fairest thing in these situations is just to keep the simple each child has two parents to inherit (or not) from.

My 50% of whatever assets me and DH have will be going to my DC and no one elses. Not because I hate my DSC or don't care for them but because put plain and simply I am not their mother, they have one and she can choose to leave whatever she has to them. I'm not getting into the whole 'but what if they don't inherit X from Y' and so on. Every child has 2 parents, I'm not overcomplicating it anymore than that.

That said, if you wanted to leave everything 50/50 to your DSC then go for it, that's very generous of you.

@PitAndPut that’s how I feel. My DSC’s Mum has nothing but debts. That’s not my responsibility to step in too.

That’s just luck of the draw!

[quote Jimdandy]@PitAndPut that’s how I feel. My DSC’s Mum has nothing but debts. That’s not my responsibility to step in too.

That’s just luck of the draw![/quote]
Of course.

You'll get people telling you how heartless that is no doubt but it's funny because you're not supposed to account for inheritance from the other parent when they are potentially receiving some... But when they aren't you're supposed to? Double standards as per.

What my DSCs may or may not get from their mother is none of my business, whether they inherit a million pounds or nothing at all from her.