DSD and wills

[Anniegetyourgingirl]

WWYD? My DSD is 20 and I have been in her life since she was 3. DH and her mum separated when she was a baby. They had bought a flat together and he signed over his share to his ex. It was in an up and coming bit of central london, ex stayed there 10 more years and did well out of it when she sold. Ex will inherit quite a bit from her own parents at some stage, which will presumably come to DSD (only child) in due course.

DH and I have two kids (8 and 10) and we get on well with DSD, and it is amicable with her mum too. No dramas about money, contact etc. We had previously written a will which guaranteed maintenance payments to DSD until she turned 18 but all else to me / in trust for our kids if we both died. We need to update it now. My feeling is that we should have mirror wills (I/he gets everything if he/I die) but that the 'if we both die' version should still just be for our own DC. He wants a provision for his DSD in both versions.

What have others done? How much should be given to DSD as a 'special provision?'

(I have seen a couple of other similar topics recently but starting a new one as my situation is different so don't want to takeover on another thread!)

I often see threads on this subject and my question which will be to my OH too when we make wills is: what if you die before me and I need the money for special adaptations or a nursing home?

I ask because in a 'normal' family if that happened there would be no inheritance for the next generation

Thing is op her Mom could spend it all tomorrow on a Barbadian bad boy called Baz, and could her Granny. She might get nothing. It might all be taken up on care home fees or her Mom might live to 106. You'd have to really really dislike her to cut her out the will and cause that kind of rift with her and her siblings

We are in this position and recently sorted out our wills.

We are not having mirror wills leaving anything to each other (he has a life interest in my share of the house and I have a life interest in his half). We are retired and both have savings and reasonable pensions and the children need it more than we do (obviously they are older than the OP's though - all adults).

When I die, my money will go 50/50 to our 2 children. When he dies, his will go 33/33/33 to his 3 children.

Sorry - I don't get your argument- he gave over the 50K in lieu of monies he owed. How has that disadvantaged him.

Glad you are listening although quite clearly do not agree with everyone else.

Just to be clear - there was no formal monies owed thing. Ex got pregnant quickly, they tried to make a go, mutually realised it wasn't going to work out and he moved out when DSD was 3 months. From start to finish in literally a year! Has been involved dad, pays above CSA amount monthly, friendly arrangement with ex, we live v locally etc. But I do take point that ex could spend it all or need it all etc.

I am still stuck on the fact that DSD will potentially get all of her mum's estate and one third of ours, whereas my DC will potentially only get one third of hours. That doesn't seem fair?

@Anniegetyourgingirl

Ex may remarry and her OH may get it all when ex dies... that happened to me, and my step parents, who didn’t have their own children, died and left it all to god knows who.

At the end of the day it needs to be fair to all 3 of your OHs children regardless of how long he was with his ex. ThAt is irrelevant he wasn’t her dad for 3 months he always will be her dad.

You need to move on from thinking SD might end up with more, as she may actually end up with nothing.

OP it doesn't matter what the dsds mum has, she might end up needing 5 years of residential care and leave her nothing. What matters is that your DH is equitable with his dc, I cannot believe the pair of you think it's OK to write your dsd off.

You married him knowing he already had a child that he would want to provide for. It’s not her fault she comes from a split family.

You’re saying it’s not fair on your DC, imagine it from his point of view. Or if you had the stepchild - would you be happy cutting them out of the will?

You clearly wouldn’t because you’re so keen on your current children getting their fair share.

How would you split it if you had a third child basically? Then maybe you’ll understand how he feels.

I am still stuck on the fact that DSD will potentially get all of her mum's estate and one third of ours, whereas my DC will potentially only get one third of hours. That doesn't seem fair?

As long as your children are getting everything from their mother - you, then you really don't need to think about it this way.

But it shouldn't be one third, in my opinion. As others said, you and DH split down the middle, and then you split your half between your two, and he between his three. It should work out that she ends up with less than a third, as she's only getting a third of his half, if that makes sense.

It's irrelevant what your dsd will inherit from her mother's side of the family, and nothing to do with you!

Would you be happy if you were the ex, and your ex DH had kids with his new wife and she was suggesting you 2 wouldn't need anything from him by way of inheritance because they will inherit from you?!

DH’s half goes to all his 3 DC. My half goes to my DD.
We’ve put the house in trust.

@Anniegetyourgingirl

Just to be clear - there was no formal monies owed thing. Ex got pregnant quickly, they tried to make a go, mutually realised it wasn't going to work out and he moved out when DSD was 3 months. From start to finish in literally a year! Has been involved dad, pays above CSA amount monthly, friendly arrangement with ex, we live v locally etc. But I do take point that ex could spend it all or need it all etc.

I am still stuck on the fact that DSD will potentially get all of her mum's estate and one third of ours, whereas my DC will potentially only get one third of hours. That doesn't seem fair?

But your stepdaughter won't be entitled to 1/3 of your and your husband's money. She should (in my view) be entitled to 1/3 of your husband's assets, but not yours.

If your money is joint, then half is notionally yours, and there is no reason she should get any of that.

With all due respect you dont know that your stepchild will get anything from her mother

Put yourself in her shoes, your parents split and your father leaves everything to his new children because your mother might leave everything to you. He has three children, he needs to share between the three

Me and DH have done our wills so in the event of one of us dying the other gets it all: if we both die then my half of the estate goes to our 2 DC and his half is split between the our DC and his DSD. The reason for that is I put a significant amount of money into our home and I would like that to go to my DC. I suspect in the future assuming we both live to an old age then we’ll just split it between all 3 as by then our finances will be more combined and not as clear cut.
I get where you’re coming from about the money from her mum but you don’t know what will happen to that money in the future; her mum may use that money on things or need it for elderly care. Also people obviously did at separate times so your DC might then inherit a significant amount of money at a younger ahe which they can use and she doesn’t until she’s 60+ if her mum lives a long time.

It should be 50/50 with your own half being split between your own biological children.

SD gets 16.6%
Your joint children get 41.6% each.

That’s the fairest way to do it.

DP and I have no kids together but 2 each from previous relationships.

I bought our house and he makes larger contributions monthly to our joint account which pays the mortgage etc (he puts in double what I do). It’ll take him 7 years to match my original deposit / financial input...

So if he dies before 7 years then my SCs will get a 1/3 of the increase in equity since we’ve lived here.

If he dies after that 7 years (at which point he will have matched my contribution) they will get half of the increase in equity and half of our joint savings. My original deposit is ring fenced.

But that will be it.

If I die, my DP gets to remain in the house for a maximum of 2 years. The house will be paid off in the event of my death and he will be entitled to 1/3 and my children 1/3 each.

@Anniegetyourgingirl
Surely the fact that dad "may" inherit from her mum as well is irrelevant to the situation? Yes she maybe better off financially, but arguably she'd have preferred to have had two parents in one loving home, so this is merely you viewing this as disadvantaging your children and expecting oh to do the same?

"I am still stuck on the fact that DSD will potentially get all of her mum's estate and one third of ours, whereas my DC will potentially only get one third of hours. That doesn't seem fair?"

It's not her fault that her father chose to have more children.

@Anniegetyourgingirl

Just to be clear - there was no formal monies owed thing. Ex got pregnant quickly, they tried to make a go, mutually realised it wasn't going to work out and he moved out when DSD was 3 months. From start to finish in literally a year! Has been involved dad, pays above CSA amount monthly, friendly arrangement with ex, we live v locally etc. But I do take point that ex could spend it all or need it all etc.

I am still stuck on the fact that DSD will potentially get all of her mum's estate and one third of ours, whereas my DC will potentially only get one third of hours. That doesn't seem fair?

Technically she's getting 20% while your kids get 40% which is fair imo. It will seem like her Dad doesn't love the kids equally if he doesn't divide his share equally iyswim. Inheritances are not guaranteed so you need to try and ignore potential inheritance from her mum because that's a slippery slope to comparing what the children's grandparents, aunts, uncles etc might leave them which is money grabbing. Her mum might need care or leave it to a artist who cuts out dsd. You never know what may happen in life.

From reading threads about inheritance, normally from the view of the child, making your wills on the assumption that DSD will inherit from her mother and mother's family will only cause massive upset. It's never really about the money, it's the feelings that come with wills that always cause the problems.

If you try to make it fair in pure monetary terms, I can almost guarantee that DSD will be upset at being left out of her dad's will and feel that he somehow considered her lesser than his subsequent children. Don't go there!

Split yours 50:50 and his 33:33:33

I think it's really sad that you are expecting your partner to disinherit one of his children.

What if in 5 years he moves on and has two children with someone else? How would you feel if the mother of the latest family decided the previous ones were already provided for by you and the other ex? This is what you are asking him to do.

When people have children with different parents things are never going to be identical. Your husband has a responsibility to three children right now and his assets should be divided equally between them.

To be fair he needs to leave something to her. I suggest the estate is split 50/50 and you choose the split of your half - so you split yours 50/50 with your children, he splits 3 ways.

HI @Username7521
I am in the same position as you, Step mom and mom here.
I also think that partners daughter should absolutely not be cut out. I’m not sure I understand what you are doing so if you could further clarify. (Sorry the abbreviations always confuse me – tired mom here)

I need to organize our will also and it’s been something that I have been questioning. Sorry to jump on this thread. I'm not sure if that's frowned upon.

I’m unsure whether our estate should be split 50:50 (between his daughter and our child together) or my half be left to my biological child and his half be split between both children

It’s a difficult one to know what to do. I want to do right by everyone. I have been in my step daughters life since she was 8, now almost 12, I have a great relationship with her and she is my family. We have separate life insurance for her should anything happen my partner and I do think she should be included most definitely in the inheritance I’m just not sure if it should be evenly split or my portion of estate to my biological child and his to his biological children.

I’m the opposite to OP though as I don’t feel my step daughter will inherit as much from her mom and I feel badly about that which makes me think evenly splitting.

OP what happens if one or both of you need care?

DP and I are leaving everything to each other. When the remaining person dies then whatever is left after any care required will be split equally between my DCs and her DS (3-way).

Our children have a good education and are lucky enough to never know what it is like to go without food and warmth. I would love to be able to leave them all something but there are no guarantees and our property is our care fund; whoever needs it. It may sound naive but that's where we are.

If you own the house jointly I’d look at severing that and setting up joint tenancy. Yours to yours, his to his, no messing around with mirror wills and things that might go wrong there.
For more information, see Linda Bellingham.
Totally unacceptable to suggest that the man disinherits his eldest child. Not fair, not moral, not defensible.
I don’t think that you should be railroaded into leaving her an equal share of your estate though. That’s equally as unfair an expectation.