DH comment on my looks and exw photos

[Frazzled99]

Added into step-parent forum as really want some SM understanding of the second half of my post as realise it may sound petty to others.

I gave birth 3 months ago and also have a 19 month old, both via c section. As I was expecting I'm 2 dress sizes bigger than when I met DH and run ragged from 2 young babies and 2 SDs half the week. Me and DH were looking at old photos yesterday and he laughed and in a jokey voice said 'god haven't we gone downhill'. It was literally like a punch in the chest. Clearly I'm hormonal but I'm barely keeping it together as it is what with 2 under 1.5 in a pandemic. I try and exercise when I can but jesus I'm 3 months pp! He says he was talking about himself and thought we'd laugh it off but he clearly said WE and yes I absolutely have gone downhill but what new mother needs to hear it?

On a slightly related topic as it's to do with my self esteem and dwindling mental health...DH has 2 children with ex (before all the non-SMs hate me, she left him for another man and we met after they split). She insists on contacting him via WhatsApp. Nearly every day she messages about something non urgent and every time it's a new WhatsApp photo in her underwear/bikini. She's lost a ton of weight and good on her, I would never begrudge someone getting fit and wanting to show it off. But what wife wants their hubby to see his ex in underwear daily? Ive told DH it makes me uncomfortable and he's asked her to text or email instead but she said texts don't work and emails get missed. Often the children call DH which is fine but it's always via her WhatsApp so we have a big picture of her on his phone half naked in my living room. Sounds petty I'm sure, but i already feel shit enough about myself this is doing me no favours.

So no question really just wanted to get it off my chest. With no family or friends around for support due to covid I just feel so low. If I didn't have two young babies I'd want to pack a bag and leave but I need his support as not coping well alone.

First of all @Frazzled99 you're doing great. I think all mums have been there at some point when they have no time to themselves to focus on fitness. Please don't beat yourself up because all that will come back in time especially once restrictions are lifted & the evenings get longer & you can get out & about a bit.
There's nothing you can do about the ex & her photos but why on earth is your dp even going there with this. She is so obviously looking for his attention (for whatever reason) & he's being foolish enough to give it to her.
If she insists on WhatsApping then he should insist on ignoring her calls & either txt her or phone her the old fashioned way, ie without photographs!
Have you spoken in depth with him about how this is making you feel?

I'd make his WhatsApp photo one of him and you together! Her photo screams of insecurity and a need for attention.
On a serious note try not to be so hard on yourself, easier said than done I know. I'm sure your hubby just wasn't thinking, he was insensitive but I think men quite often don't think before they speak.

It sounds like your DH really didn’t mean his comment to hurt you. I am sure you look great. I felt the same pp but looking back at photos of that time, I see how much better i looked than I gave myself credit for, if that makes sense. There is no rush. Be kind to yourself.

Your second point.... WTF?!?? This is SO inappropriate. Totally unacceptable. You’re not being over-sensitive about this. He’s told her to stop and she has deflected so it’s time for him to block her on WhatsApp.

But mostly, please don’t link the two. His ex being a muppet is one thing and she doesn’t deserve an iota of emotional space in your head.

💐

@Magda72 thank you. She's been doing it quite a while and I've always laughed it off or had enough self confidence to not be bothered. I saw it live in action once when we were in a rush and he asked me to message her from his phone so I did, she read it, instantly changed her pic to a bikini shot, then replied .

She says she doesn't receive his messages and phone calls don't connect so it HAS to be WhatsApp. Which makes me think she's blocked him on normal phone...he knows how uncomfortable it makes me but see's no other option to keep in touch with his children.

Thanks for your other comments, so hard to even get out the house right now with winter and lockdown and a 19 month old who won't walk or sit in the pram.

@Cotswoldmama thank you. Photo is one of our wedding, albeit of him and his best men but close enough!

@MeridianB thank you too. I totally don't look great haha. Thing is if he blocks her he doesn't know how else to contact as supposedly she doesn't receive his texts and normal phone calls go to answerphone...

So she doesn’t receive his texts and emails, well he doesn’t seem to be able to receive her WhatsApps (once she is blocked). Must be broken!

She does not get control communications between him and his children like this. Time for him to protect his boundaries and support you.

Presumably she won’t wait long before calling him when she can see he has not received, read or responded to her WAs.

Do they never see each other face to face? At pick up?

He can wait until children are with him, block and wait. She sounds deranged!

Ps I agree he needs a photo of you both - not one with his best man!

Hear hear MeridianB.
I’d be interested to see whether her normal phone would work if you called it from another number...?

The thought of my ex seeing me in a picture like that makes my skin crawl, I think it's weird she wants him to see her like that.

I agree with MeridianB, sounds like his WhatsApp has broken...

Is she saying it's only his calls which don't connect? Or is she claiming no-one can contact her by normal phone call, even in an emergency?

Can't he block her and then tell her his WhatsApp is corrupt and he's had to delete? He'll need to change his online status to hidden, in case she gets someone else to check up.

But, tbh, if he's already asked her for contact via another method, she's going to know he's lying and she'll probably know why.

She sounds really immature and insecure.

And I can understand why you feel hurt, but I don't think your husband meant to hurt you. He was daft and insensitive though

She's sending him bikini pictures? What! He needs to block her on WhatsApp. Gross.

As for point 1 sounds like he put his foot in it but he probably didn't think or mean anything by it. 3m pp is nothing at all. Don't pressure yourself.

@TrustTheGeneGenie she's not sending them directly to him. She's making that her WhatsApp profile picture for all to see.

Oh,bless you. It sounds like a really difficult time and we've all been there when PP.

If I'm completely honest though, I wonder whether these two issues are only bothering you because you're feeling down about yourself?

Looking back at pics and saying "didnt we look great, what happened?" is usually a joke IME - we'd laugh about it and I sense that you would too in a normal time when you weren't feeling so down in yourself? Men arent usually all that great when a comment is okay in this scenario, but the same comment in another time/scenario isnt.

Just to clarify,is the ex sending him half nude pics or is it just her profile pic on WhatsApp? I dont really think you get to have a say on her profile pic and again, if you were feeling confident in yourself, would this truly bother you beyond having a laugh at how attention-seeking it is?

I may have read this all wrong and if so, I apologise but it seems to me that you're not happy in yourself and are therefore being a little over-sensitive about things that may not bother you at other times.

Is having some free time to yourself possible? I know it's even more difficult than usual at the min but maybe when your DH has the non-walker, you could take the baby out for walks? Are you keeping up with friends?

Good luck!

Thanks all glad to see I'm not alone in thinking this is inappropriate.

From her behaviour in the past I'm strongly convinced she has narcissistic personality disorder. So I believe this is all part of it. I'll bring it up again with DH but we're in a period of relative calm with her following a difficult couple of years so don't think he wants to rock the boat ..

@Pillowcase123 thanks for your honest post. No she's not sending them directly just having them on her profile and then refusing to contact DH via any other means so he see's them. It's always made me uncomfortable even in normal times, but I've had the confidence to laugh it off. Guess now with me looking and feeling so low, it's just an added pressure that I'd rather not have. Most of my friends don't have babies so while we keep in touch most of them can't relate and aren't really interested in baby chat....it's more how bored they are and how much they're missing the pub!

So yes it's just his calls and texts she doesn't receive, it goes straight to answerphone. She's been texted and called from other phones in the past and it always works.

We have a ton of abuse from his ex. So we both made the decision that texts will be the only form of communication from now on. I noticed recently that he added her to WhatsApp because sending pictures of the kids work is free. I said splitting from me won't be free if you pull a stunt like that again. They now are back on text. Don't let her take an inch or she will take a mile!

How immature and attention seeking for her to use bikini and underwear pictures as her profile picture for everyone to see. I'm embarrassed for her.

God I’d avoid exh seeing me in a bikini at all costs. It annoys me a bit when DPs ex puts pouty selfies as her WhatsApp and messenger profile, but I know she’s actively dating so it’s not for DPs benefit.

She's sending him bikini pictures? What! He needs to block her on WhatsApp. Gross.

I read it as this too and my reaction was the same as yours

No she's not sending them directly just having them on her profile and then refusing to contact DH via any other means so he see's them.

I think your DH needs to have something on her profile that she’d find equally annoying. Why don’t you find the picture of yourself that you like most of all and get him to use that?

As for the comment he made, I think you are probably being sensitive but if your DH makes you feel sensitive or insecure in general then it’s really understandable you’ll feel that way. I had two babies with 16 months between them and both by c section and it does all go back again. As you say, you’re only three months pp at the moment. I’d deal with his ex first and that in itself will probably make you feel much better.

Honestly?

Just ignore the jealous, attention seeking pathetic behaviour. I wouldnt even block her. Just ignore it. Dont even give this stupid women one moments thought or let her know you've even noticed her stupid little game. Presumably she'll stop when she gets bored or finds a new man herself.

And FGS don't leave your DH or argue with him about it. That's what she wants and if you do that, she has won.

Your DH knows what she looks like naked already. He's not going to be suddenly reminded of what he's missing and leave you on the basis of this if that is your worry. I'm sure it makes your DH despise her even more.

You used to be able to change what's app pics so you could assign your own pic to your own contact in your phone. I'm not sure if that capability still exists but it might be worth having a play around.
Can I just say... You're beautiful and you don't need to change for anyone!!!
Men are insensitive, I thank my dp most days for calling me fat and he's just walks off saying how he didn't call me fat and he's never going to speak again. But you are feeling extremely sensitive right now and that's perfectly OK, in fact I'd probably be worried if you weren't given your hormone levels. Don't sweat it, body's and confidence around them bounce back and do you really want to add the misery of cutting out wine, chocolate or whatever your poison is on to the stress you're already under.
Get outside, alone if you can and burn some energy off, you will honestly feel much better for it.
The ex is displaying pathetic behaviour and you can't change that but you can change yours. He does not have to see her with no clothes on if he doesn't want to. He can tell her seeing her like that makes him not want to speak to her so he will remove himself from the situation and be available for contact in other ways. Don't forget 10 years ago we didn't have all these forms of communication so just let her pick another way. She'll soon get the message if all forms of reply to WhatsApp come through the post 4 days later for example.

The reason your DH's emails, texts and phone calls aren't going through is that she blocked him on her phone.

If she has been previously been abusive to you both then your DH needs be very careful contacting her by WhatsApp as now you can delete messages for everyone again. While there is a time limit it is still possible for her to abuse him using WhatsApp, delete messages then turn around and act as the victim using parts of the conversation that can't be deleted.

And yes she is trying to cause trouble - the trick with trouble causing ex's is for you to have absolutely no contact and no communication with them. After bringing their behaviour up once with your DH then you ignore them and don't react to their bullshit.