DH comment on my looks and exw photos

[Frazzled99]

Added into step-parent forum as really want some SM understanding of the second half of my post as realise it may sound petty to others.

I gave birth 3 months ago and also have a 19 month old, both via c section. As I was expecting I'm 2 dress sizes bigger than when I met DH and run ragged from 2 young babies and 2 SDs half the week. Me and DH were looking at old photos yesterday and he laughed and in a jokey voice said 'god haven't we gone downhill'. It was literally like a punch in the chest. Clearly I'm hormonal but I'm barely keeping it together as it is what with 2 under 1.5 in a pandemic. I try and exercise when I can but jesus I'm 3 months pp! He says he was talking about himself and thought we'd laugh it off but he clearly said WE and yes I absolutely have gone downhill but what new mother needs to hear it?

On a slightly related topic as it's to do with my self esteem and dwindling mental health...DH has 2 children with ex (before all the non-SMs hate me, she left him for another man and we met after they split). She insists on contacting him via WhatsApp. Nearly every day she messages about something non urgent and every time it's a new WhatsApp photo in her underwear/bikini. She's lost a ton of weight and good on her, I would never begrudge someone getting fit and wanting to show it off. But what wife wants their hubby to see his ex in underwear daily? Ive told DH it makes me uncomfortable and he's asked her to text or email instead but she said texts don't work and emails get missed. Often the children call DH which is fine but it's always via her WhatsApp so we have a big picture of her on his phone half naked in my living room. Sounds petty I'm sure, but i already feel shit enough about myself this is doing me no favours.

So no question really just wanted to get it off my chest. With no family or friends around for support due to covid I just feel so low. If I didn't have two young babies I'd want to pack a bag and leave but I need his support as not coping well alone.

I'm sorry but I just had to add a comment about the WhatsApp pictures. It really is none of your business what she puts up and when she does it.
It is your own Insecurity that's making you feel that way. Your dh had no right to tell her to stop, if he doesn't want to see her picture then delete her number or delete app. I change my picture regularly sometimes it could be a holiday pic or when I've gone out with, sometimes it's even my DC. That doesn't mean I'm trying to get back with my ex or make his partner jealous, it means I like the picture. You need to catch a grip.

Posted too soon... in regards to his comment, I'm sure he didn't mean it in a horrible way people really don't think things through before they say something. I'd let it go and if it bothers you that much only you can change yourself.

@Readysteadyburst

I'm sorry but I just had to add a comment about the WhatsApp pictures. It really is none of your business what she puts up and when she does it. It is your own Insecurity that's making you feel that way. Your dh had no right to tell her to stop, if he doesn't want to see her picture then delete her number or delete app. I change my picture regularly sometimes it could be a holiday pic or when I've gone out with, sometimes it's even my DC. That doesn't mean I'm trying to get back with my ex or make his partner jealous, it means I like the picture. You need to catch a grip.

I'm not sure if you've read my post. Of course she can put whatever image she likes. I do not judge anyone who wants to change their pic and add bikini photos. My issue is that she WILL NOT communicate with DH via any other means, ie. Text or phone or email. So, yes it's not very nice for me to know that DH is seeing photos of his ex in a bikini/underwear almost every day. Are you a SM? If so, would you be ok wjth that? Yes I am feeling insecure as I've just had a baby and struggling with my mental health, but I also felt uncomfortable about it before I had my DC.

@Readysteadyburst also DH never told ber to stop! He just asked to use text rather than WhatsApp. Photos were never mentioned. I really am baffled when people comment when they haven't read the post properly.

But again, regardless of how you feel about it that is not her problem! You're trying to micromanage her life, if she chooses not to speak with your Dh over any other platforms then you cannot force it just because you don't want your Dh to see a picture of his ex, its ridiculous and again because of your own insecurities.

To answer your question no I'm not a stepmother, I am however an ex of a man who's partner acts in exactly the same way as you're coming across, so much so that it came to a point where I wasn't even allowed to call or message him about our DC without her being present.
I am not now nor will I ever be interested in getting back with my DCs father, but I'll be damned if another women feels as though she has so much say over my life and how I decide to contact someone and what pictures I post, because she is insecure in herself.

@Readysteadyburst

But again, regardless of how you feel about it that is not her problem! You're trying to micromanage her life, if she chooses not to speak with your Dh over any other platforms then you cannot force it just because you don't want your Dh to see a picture of his ex, its ridiculous and again because of your own insecurities.

To answer your question no I'm not a stepmother, I am however an ex of a man who's partner acts in exactly the same way as you're coming across, so much so that it came to a point where I wasn't even allowed to call or message him about our DC without her being present.
I am not now nor will I ever be interested in getting back with my DCs father, but I'll be damned if another women feels as though she has so much say over my life and how I decide to contact someone and what pictures I post, because she is insecure in herself.

I thought as much. I shall continue to ignore your 'advice'. Maybe best to step away from the step-parent forums.

I wasn't actually offering my advice, I was giving you my opinion. But of course you can take that as you will! And seeing as though you seem to be one of "those women" you'll completely ignore what I said and only listen to the ones who are basically calling the women a desperate whore for posting a picture that gets you all upset, because your husband might look, but I'm sure you do know he's seen her naked before?

Also I may not be a stepmother now, but I have been in the past and I would still be saying the same thing, I will also not be staying off any "forums" I am not your husband's ex, therefore you cannot tell me what I can and cannot do, whenever the mood takes you.

@Readysteadyburst gosh the person I feel for here is your ex's new partner having to deal with you! Totally not surprised you're not a step-mother anymore.

@Readysteadyburst oh and you're wrong that I was only going to listen to those comments. I was fully expecting and willing to accept 'suck it up and get on with it' comments as I probably should but was also hoping for some empathy, kindness and understanding as I'm at a low place in my life currently, which luckily I got from all the other posters. Your post, however, came across as nasty and you clearly have your own issues as the exw that you're projecting here.

I actually feel sorry for her too, but not because of me. I feel sorry that a young woman got caught up with a liar and a cheat and who has ground her self worth and confidence down so much that shes so scared that he'll leap first into any woman that breathes near him, of course shes not wrong!

I actually hope one day she finds the courage to up and leave him for good, but that still doesn't give her the right to tell me what I can and cannot do or what I should or should not post.

I'm also still very good friends with my ex, as I am with his ex partner and their children. I personally think that your husband should grow a pair and tell you to mind your own business and not concern yourself with what his other childrens mother is doing, unless of its harming the children which I very much doubt it is.

@Readysteadyburst you're really not getting the point are you? I'm not telling anyone what not to post. I simply don't want those kind of photos daily popping up on husband's phone. My husband actually agrees with me on this and that WhatsApp is where all his friends groups are, he doesn't want to message her there. He has asked her numerous times to contact via text not WhatsApp. She refuses. It would make no odds to her so I think we all know why.

Anyway no point going round in circles. Glad it's all happy families for you. Please just try to be a little kinder in your responses while still getting your opinion across. You never know what kind of day someone has had.

Tbh you probably would have got alot more empathy from me, if there hadn't been so many other women on here ready to brand the ex a hussy!
As women most of know what it's like after having a child, we feel fat and frumpy but you're willing to accept people putting down another woman who as you said has lost alot weight recently for posting a few pictures that she is most likely very proud of. How do you know that she hadn't been feeling exactly like you?
Yet you're there with your trying to make her stop something, because you don't like it. You are the only one projecting and blaming someone else for how you feel, you wouldn't likely go around on a beach and ask all the women to wear burkas because your husband might catch a glimpse. Work on yourself and forget about what his ex is doing and how she contacts her children's father.

@Readysteadyburst

Sigh. Ok let's go through the facts here.

A) I don't recall any of the posters branded the ex a 'hussy'.

B) In my original post I said I do not begrudge anyone looking and feeling good and wanting to show it off.

C) At no point have I ever tried to make her stop posting photos. She isn't even aware of this. It's a conversation between me and my husband.

D) You say I have no right to 'micromanage her life' because me and DH both feel more comfortable off of WhatsApp, yet you think it's ok for her to control communication with DH when he has given her 3 other options? Why does she trump DH here? Surely they both have a say.

So yes, please deal in facts before you post as it's exhausting having to keep rewriting the truth. A bit like dealing with DH's ex actually!

Then as I said previously, if your husband is so against her using WhatsApp as their means of contact, then he has a two options. Either delete the app altogether or block her number either way she'll have to text him and that way you get what you want! Because it really is only about what you want, you should also take your own advice about being kind you don't know why she only contacts him via WhatsApp, you're assuming it's so he can only see her pictures it maybe something else.

I don't get the WhatsApp issue, even if she is provocatively changing her picture,as the icon size of a photo is 1cm diameter on most phones so unless you click on it, for the average person you'd not really know if someone was starker or in a onesie! So to see these photos, I'd suggest that either he has added the photo to the home screen, which if he has the app anyway, unnecessary OR he's choosing to lol at her photo.... And both of these scenarios are very different....

The first issue re the downhill comment I think you are probably being oversensitive to. But if its really bothering you, maybe focus on making f daily walks, toddler jn buggy regardless of her wishes, sling for baby and walk.
Do you bf? Weight tends to come off if you do, if you have a third perhaps consider this factor if you don't currently and losing the weight is a real concern.

Also, WhatsApp is free, texting may not be.

But also, more importantly, you can save and export WhatsApp messages. So in many ways WhatsApp is preferable in terms of transparency.

Email is better for long conversations, if the emails are not missed and always responded to, if appropriate. However, WhatsApp allows you to know the message has been received and read. And is easier.

Acrimonious coparenting I would say use email. But this sort of communication email doesn't sound necessary really.

WhatsApp allows you to know the message has been received and read.

I agree with this....2 blue ticks

Plus, if you send a message in error, it's quick to delete before the recipient reads it.

It's my preferred means instead of text messages too.

A lot of people like to use WhatsApp as they can see when others were last online...to know why their message hasn't been replied to...as long as that's not deactivated.

I know some people find it too much like big brother and being checked on. Especially with obsessed partners questioning why you haven't responded to their message after they can see you online.

OP...was she still more insistent on using WhatsApp before she lost the weight? If so, then I'd say, it's just her preference, as opposed to if she is only insisting on it since shedding the pounds.

An alternative is your OH gets cheap PAYG phone (different number) with no WhatsApp only for her/the kids, but people tend to do that, when they have a very difficult, or abusive partners...one with no boundaries.

@SandyY2K unfortunately she is very difficult and abusive.I'm certain she has NPD. She was absolutely fine using text, email and phone before. It's a recent thing since losing the weight - not saying this to be bitchy as I don't judge anyone doing this but she's had liposuction, a boob job and nose job all recently. And is now insisting on WhatsApp. She messages a lot, almost every day and new picture. It used to be a bit of a joke between me and DH but it's started to make me feel very uncomfortable.

There's really no need to go through anything, I'm more than able to read.
I've given you my opinion and also given you my advice, it is completely up to you what you do with it.

But now all I see is drip feeding to suit your own agenda. I never once said that she had any right to dictate how they communicate, infact I said to take the control out of her hands block her number, then she would have no other choice but to use one of your preferred methods of communication, to again suit your own agenda and pacify your insecurities.

she is very difficult and abusive.I'm certain she has NPD. She was absolutely fine using text, email and phone before. It's a recent thing since losing the weight

Well given her behaviour, perhaps a cheap PAYG phone where he doesn't install WhatsApp on that only she can call him on would will be good for her. Then he can block her on his regular phone.

He can get a cheap no contract or rolling contract SIM card..paying as little as £5 a month. GiffGaff do them.

She does sound annoying and insisting on it only since losing weight, kind of shows what she's up to.

The ex probably knows what she is doing and is winding you up! Can't your dh delete WhatsApp?

Your DH should just block her on whatsapp and then when she eventually calls/texts to ask why he hasn't replied he can do back to her what she's been going to him and say "oh that's weird, your whatapps don't seem to be coming through. You'll have to text/email or call if there's an emergency."

What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.