When to introduce new man to my kids

[PrincesRaspberryBeret]

The father of my children (ages 9,6) and I have been leading separate lives for two years, relationship has been over since before then.
We were unable to separate due to finances, so continued to co-parent under the same roof, and didn't tell the kids at that stage. Then covid hit and we've added that year to being stuck together in the house (separate beds).
In the meantime, he's been dating, and I'm in a relationship, albeit restricted because of my kids and then covid. All fine.
We only told the kids after xmas that we were separating, as we are only now in a position to financially do so. We will both move out of the current house into separate homes, in a couple of months.

The guy I've been building a relationship with is The One. We saw each other regularly in 2019. We know each other very well as we were previously in a relationship, but for valid reasons, split back then. I then had kids with the kids' father. This guy does not have kids. I'm adding all this preamble so you may understand how serious he and I are, and that he's not some random new guy I don't know.
He wanted kids, but it didn't happen for him, so mine are very welcome in his life. I doubt we will have kids together (my age).
During lockdown, we have not physically seen each other at all, but talk daily, and our relationship is strong.

So. As the kids only found out their father and I are not together a few weeks ago, what timescale should we be looking at re introducing them to the new guy? They obviously come first, but I feel also that I just want to crack on with this guy, life's been on hold for a year because of covid, and losing my father to it only heightened to me that life's too short to waste. But of course, I need to manage the kids.

Thanks.

They took the split well, I think on some level they knew.

So they only found out at Xmas? I'd say at least 6+ months from now.

You acknowledge that your kid’s come first, and I think you need to recognise that no matter how “well” they have handled the split, this will have been very distressing and unsettling for them. Covid may have made your life harder, but it will also have made life difficult for your kids. They’ve only had a few weeks to come to terms with a huge shock and upheaval. I say it could be up to a year before they’re ready to meet your new partner.

The best interests of your children trump what you want. Regardless of how hard you're trying to delude yourself, your children are, and will be, going through a massive period of adjustment and grieving. I would wait at least a year before you thrust a new man into their lives.

Ok, thank you. I was thinking six months+ -ish.

Other thing I forgot to mention, and it was getting long anyway, is that my kids and his sister's kids already know each other, though haven't met him as he's been abroad, but he's been back for two years now, so I expect they could get to know him as not my new man, but as the other kids' uncle, first. Is this a good or bad idea?

Other thing I forgot to mention, and it was getting long anyway, is that my kids and his sister's kids already know each other, though haven't met him as he's been abroad, but he's been back for two years now, so I expect they could get to know him as not my new man, but as the other kids' uncle, first. Is this a good or bad idea?

Your children aren't stupid.

Aqua, that's harsh, geeze. I'm not deluded, and I'm seeking opinions here. He and I absolutely are putting the kids first. We haven't even met since lockdown, because I've needed to be with the kids.
I know the split isn't plain sailing for them. I also feel life can be short.

Wow, aqua, you again.
You ok, Hun?

You ok, Hun?

I'm wonderful, thanks for asking.

This is mumsnet. The correct answer is between a year and never. I introduced my partner to my children within a month but I didn't make a huge deal of it. There were no obvious overnights to begin with and we still haven't moved in together. I think rushing to blend families is where it often goes tits up.

That's a terrible idea. I say that as a step parent.

As much as you're desperate to get on with your life, you have to accept the consequences of not physically splitting years ago. You can't rush this. Do not let them go from last Christmas with Daddy to next Christmas with new man. They need a break. To go through the actual separation and milestones as a separate unit before someone else comes into their life.

I would say be prepared for it to take over a year of gentle introductions assuming this evolves as you hope.

I think as he's not an unknown then I'd be looking at this spring/summer - slowly & very casually, picnic in the park etc. See how it goes.

Children aren't blind or stupid, they'll have known fir a while that things weren't right between you & their Dad.

But also they'll know if you try to introduce him via the friends.

Wait a bit, until you can meet up somewhere like the park

I hope it goes well for you all.

I think I’d wait until you are settled in your new home and go from there. The children may seem like they have dealt with it well, but from the sounds of it you’re still all under one roof, the reality might sink in with the upheaval of moving. Let them get settled into new routines, you can see your partner when the children are with their dad, and enjoy that time just you and him ‘dating’ for a bit if I was you.

@Northernsoullover

This is mumsnet. The correct answer is between a year and never. I introduced my partner to my children within a month but I didn't make a huge deal of it. There were no obvious overnights to begin with and we still haven't moved in together. I think rushing to blend families is where it often goes tits up.

Lol, I see!

How old were your kids at the time? How are things going? I have no intention of rushing my children, we will do what's best for them. But I also wonder if, as they will be meeting other new friends, it could happen organically. It's not as if we will be all over each other when we see each other. He'll just be another adult.

@Jobsharenightmare

That's a terrible idea. I say that as a step parent.

As much as you're desperate to get on with your life, you have to accept the consequences of not physically splitting years ago. You can't rush this. Do not let them go from last Christmas with Daddy to next Christmas with new man. They need a break. To go through the actual separation and milestones as a separate unit before someone else comes into their life.

I would say be prepared for it to take over a year of gentle introductions assuming this evolves as you hope.

Definitely not planning on merging for Xmas '21. Will be my mother's first alone, so focus is on her and the kids anyway. I just wondered if having them get to know him slowly, once a month when with his nieces who we know, could be a gradual way. Then after Xmas, take it from there re looking like a couple.

Thank you for your good wishes at the end there.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I think as he's not an unknown then I'd be looking at this spring/summer - slowly & very casually, picnic in the park etc. See how it goes.

Children aren't blind or stupid, they'll have known fir a while that things weren't right between you & their Dad.

But also they'll know if you try to introduce him via the friends.

Wait a bit, until you can meet up somewhere like the park

I hope it goes well for you all.

Thanks. I actually have zero doubts that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, as well as someone who will love my children well. Had full intentions of introducing things slowly, no big announcements, just getting to know him as another adult family friend.

The kids did indeed know, and actually I feel it was a relief for us all to have it out in the open, finally. The atmosphere has been much better since we told them.

Thank you for your well wishes.

When you say you haven’t seen your new partner due to lockdown how long are you talking? I’d’ve thought waiting a good while after restrictions are lifted and you’re living a more “normal” relationship before introducing him, if you’ve not physically seen each other for a long time.

@bridgertonian

I think I’d wait until you are settled in your new home and go from there. The children may seem like they have dealt with it well, but from the sounds of it you’re still all under one roof, the reality might sink in with the upheaval of moving. Let them get settled into new routines, you can see your partner when the children are with their dad, and enjoy that time just you and him ‘dating’ for a bit if I was you.

Yes, definitely got some nice dates planned just him and me, just trying to get an idea in mind re reasonable timescales to introduce them to him/vice versa.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

When you say you haven’t seen your new partner due to lockdown how long are you talking? I’d’ve thought waiting a good while after restrictions are lifted and you’re living a more “normal” relationship before introducing him, if you’ve not physically seen each other for a long time.

Not seen him for a whole year. But we have built our relationship strongly over the phone, daily, in a way it's worked great as the physical aspect has obviously been zilch, so we've just talked and really reconnected deeply. I really am very sure about him, and know he is about me.

You are still living as a family with your children and their dad, the rest of the convoluted history doesn't matter to them.

They need time after you move out to establish a routine and figure out their new arrangements with you and their dad. This needs to be secure and you need to see how the upheaval affects them.

From your perspective it's all already happened, from theirs it hasn't even started yet. Your timeline doesn't even begin for them until you actually physically separate. Use the time they spend with their dad to see your boyfriend.

You will get harsh responses on here, op. As a pp said, the Mumsnet view always inclines towards never, or at least until they've had children of their own.....

Imo the casual meeting involving other kids would be a good way to introduce him to them. No big drama as to who he is. And then a few more casual meetings over time.

I admire your restraint over the last year! And wish you well with it. Everyone deserves happiness.

@lunar1

You are still living as a family with your children and their dad, the rest of the convoluted history doesn't matter to them.

They need time after you move out to establish a routine and figure out their new arrangements with you and their dad. This needs to be secure and you need to see how the upheaval affects them.

From your perspective it's all already happened, from theirs it hasn't even started yet. Your timeline doesn't even begin for them until you actually physically separate. Use the time they spend with their dad to see your boyfriend.

True, but I wrote it merely to explain that he's not some total unknown to me, nor to me is he new. I've known him for over 20 years, and trust that he is a good man. But yes, I understand to the children, he's new (they actually have met him, but were young and won't remember. Maybe the eldest will, but vaguely.). We will take our time with each other once the children and I are settled, and introduce them in due course.

You have not seen him for a year but think he is the one?
Sorry but I think you are day dreaming, your kids don't need to be loved by him, they have a dad.

@Boredofitallnow

You will get harsh responses on here, op. As a pp said, the Mumsnet view always inclines towards never, or at least until they've had children of their own.....

Imo the casual meeting involving other kids would be a good way to introduce him to them. No big drama as to who he is. And then a few more casual meetings over time.

I admire your restraint over the last year! And wish you well with it. Everyone deserves happiness.

Why is that, do we know?

I really thought hanging out with their friends, then them getting to know him as their uncle could have been pretty nice and natural. I do feel we've both been on hold though, and need to grab happiness sooner rather than later. I will see him solo once we move, and hope to introduce the kids and him naturally, no big reveal, build up as friends, and hope it falls into place.

Thank you, it's been pretty hard but we decided to do it and use it as an experience to grow on a deeper level. And we really have.
Thank you for being kind.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

You have not seen him for a year but think he is the one? Sorry but I think you are day dreaming, your kids don't need to be loved by him, they have a dad.

I saw him for the year prior to covid hitting. Covid has put us seeing each other on hold. He is The One, no shadow of a doubt in my mind, nor his.

I haven't told you anything about their bio father. Perhaps they would indeed benefit from a third adult who will love them like a father figure.

I fear you are setting yourself up for a fall here. You haven’t seen him for over a year? The relationship isn’t developing normally and when you do see him, you could end up hugely disappointed after such a build up.