When to introduce new man to my kids

[PrincesRaspberryBeret]

The father of my children (ages 9,6) and I have been leading separate lives for two years, relationship has been over since before then.
We were unable to separate due to finances, so continued to co-parent under the same roof, and didn't tell the kids at that stage. Then covid hit and we've added that year to being stuck together in the house (separate beds).
In the meantime, he's been dating, and I'm in a relationship, albeit restricted because of my kids and then covid. All fine.
We only told the kids after xmas that we were separating, as we are only now in a position to financially do so. We will both move out of the current house into separate homes, in a couple of months.

The guy I've been building a relationship with is The One. We saw each other regularly in 2019. We know each other very well as we were previously in a relationship, but for valid reasons, split back then. I then had kids with the kids' father. This guy does not have kids. I'm adding all this preamble so you may understand how serious he and I are, and that he's not some random new guy I don't know.
He wanted kids, but it didn't happen for him, so mine are very welcome in his life. I doubt we will have kids together (my age).
During lockdown, we have not physically seen each other at all, but talk daily, and our relationship is strong.

So. As the kids only found out their father and I are not together a few weeks ago, what timescale should we be looking at re introducing them to the new guy? They obviously come first, but I feel also that I just want to crack on with this guy, life's been on hold for a year because of covid, and losing my father to it only heightened to me that life's too short to waste. But of course, I need to manage the kids.

Thanks.

They took the split well, I think on some level they knew.

How can you possibly know he's "the one" when he doesn't even know your children and you have no idea how the relationship between them will be?

@CausingChaos2

I fear you are setting yourself up for a fall here. You haven’t seen him for over a year? The relationship isn’t developing normally and when you do see him, you could end up hugely disappointed after such a build up.

I really don't think so. We saw each other for a year prior. We took things slowly because of my situation, but our connection has always been incredible. Then lockdown hit. If it weren't for that, we'd have carried on as we were. We have a long history, a really good one.

@Aquamarine1029

The best interests of your children trump what you want. Regardless of how hard you're trying to delude yourself, your children are, and will be, going through a massive period of adjustment and grieving. I would wait at least a year before you thrust a new man into their lives.

Yes. At least a year.

Hi @PrincesRaspberryBeret

There is no defined time period for introducing a partner to your children, it’s what feels right and appropriate for you and the kids.

I introduced my DP to my children quite quickly (after 2 months) but I had been single for nearly a year and my kids were only 1 and 5 so were a lot more innocent and naive.

In your position I would wait until you’ve lived on your own with the kids and established a “new normal” for them that they’re comfortable with. Their whole lives are changing... mummy & daddy splitting up, having to move out of their home, suddenly splitting their time between 2 homes and not seeing both of their parents everyday.

All of these things can cause them confusion and stress. They’ll cope and come out of the other side but you will need to tread carefully. I think introducing your new partner too soon may cause the kids to resent him and they may even blame him for the split (even if they don’t verbalise this).

My advice would be to see him when your kids go to their dad’s for as long as you can.

Only time will tell how well your children will adjust to their new life. And I don’t mean this in a patronising way because I’m sure you have their best interests at the forefront, but remember that just because you’re happy now it doesn’t mean the kids will be.

I wish you every luck!

@SpongebobNoPants

Hi *@PrincesRaspberryBeret*

There is no defined time period for introducing a partner to your children, it’s what feels right and appropriate for you and the kids.

I introduced my DP to my children quite quickly (after 2 months) but I had been single for nearly a year and my kids were only 1 and 5 so were a lot more innocent and naive.

In your position I would wait until you’ve lived on your own with the kids and established a “new normal” for them that they’re comfortable with. Their whole lives are changing... mummy & daddy splitting up, having to move out of their home, suddenly splitting their time between 2 homes and not seeing both of their parents everyday.

All of these things can cause them confusion and stress. They’ll cope and come out of the other side but you will need to tread carefully. I think introducing your new partner too soon may cause the kids to resent him and they may even blame him for the split (even if they don’t verbalise this).

My advice would be to see him when your kids go to their dad’s for as long as you can.

Only time will tell how well your children will adjust to their new life. And I don’t mean this in a patronising way because I’m sure you have their best interests at the forefront, but remember that just because you’re happy now it doesn’t mean the kids will be.

I wish you every luck!

Thanks, SpongeBob. I will absolutely be letting the dust settle, get the kids set up in their new home, etc, and see him when the kids are with their father, just trying to ascertain if there's a required time period. Seems not. Hope all has work out for you with your partner and kids.

Your kids are just coming to terms with you being separated. And I say this as someone who has waited only 3 months to introduce my children to ‘the one’, however me and their dad had been separated for years at that point. I would never have done it if it was fresh. I’ve seen the damage that does with my stepchildren. Their dad was booted out by their mum one day and a family friend she’d been having an affair with moved in the next day as the new daddy. We are now years down the line and they detest him and their relationship with their mum is irrevocably damaged.

@StormBaby

Your kids are just coming to terms with you being separated. And I say this as someone who has waited only 3 months to introduce my children to ‘the one’, however me and their dad had been separated for years at that point. I would never have done it if it was fresh. I’ve seen the damage that does with my stepchildren. Their dad was booted out by their mum one day and a family friend she’d been having an affair with moved in the next day as the new daddy. We are now years down the line and they detest him and their relationship with their mum is irrevocably damaged.

I have no intention of doing any such thing. My children of course come first, hence I'm seeking guidance on this.

You've not seen him for a year?

This is all pie in the sky right now. All built on nice daily texts, calls and memes etc.

I'd actually start seeing him first yourself before you think about introductions to your kids.

Wow. Honestly? Your gushing rhetoric of him being ‘THE ONE’ has me a little . He hasn’t met/ spent time with your children. You actually have no idea how that dynamic will work it’s way out in the cold, hard reality of true life. He also says he accepts your kids (didn’t happen for him), he actually has no idea how he will feel when he has the day in day out reality of a real relationship with children (who aren’t his) involved in a very visible way day to day.

I also think for all your connection has been through Covid. It’s not real - in the very real sense that none of our lives right now are real. It’s lovely and it’s a great foundation. But it’s also slightly ‘rose tinted glasses.’

In your shoes, I would do the following. Date this man when the children are with their dad. See how this goes as you return to real physical contact.

Keep him away from your children for now, they are not stupid but they are very vulnerable. As much as they may know (or have sensed) what was happening, the very real separation of mummy and daddy will be incredibly upsetting and destabilising for them. So they really need to not have this man suddenly appear. It will be very confusing for them.

If he is the one, then he will be patient. And as your children adjust to the new way of life, yes he may well be a great addition to their lives.

I know you’ve known him a long time. But day to day actual relationshipping, with children, is no walk in the park. In your shoes (without bursting your bubble), try and be a little more pragmatic and less stars out of eyes. If this guys turns out to be the one, I will be so happy for you.

But IME, the path ahead needs more than stars.

OP, you may be focusing on the wrong timeline. At this point, your questions should perhaps be: 1 how long will it take for my kids to adjust to the actual separation? 2. How long will it take them to adjust to seeing their father on a part-time basis ? 3 given that their father had been dating, does he have a romantic partner to whom he is planning an immediate introduction ? 4 will there be a divorce in the immediate future to which the kids will need to adjust?

Your kids are going to have so many adjustments to make, meeting your new love interest should not even be on the radar screen. You have acclimated your kids to a situation where their parents claim to be apart but the kids still have 24/7 access to both parents. Their world is about to change drastically, and those changes will likely require significant adjustments on their part.

You say your partner will be a great father figure. Your kids have an actual father and may neither feel the need for nor want a father figure for some time to come.

I am not a believer in the notion of " the One.". I think that if you have only had a telephone relationship for the last year , you too will need to re-enter this relationship not only physically but also with all of the baggage that you are brining from the disintegration of your current marriage/relationship.

While you may love the new man, the children may not feel the same way. As an adult who has never had children of his own, he may find it not as easy to be accepting of another man's children as he assumes that it will be.

Why not just date this man and let future plans evolve as the relationship evolves. You are going to have so much on your plate in the near future that the question of when he should meet your children is not likely to be within the top ten of issues that need resolution.

Date him if you can make the time and just enjoy the adult relationship without any expectations related to your children or the future.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, you may be focusing on the wrong timeline. At this point, your questions should perhaps be: 1 how long will it take for my kids to adjust to the actual separation? 2. How long will it take them to adjust to seeing their father on a part-time basis ? 3 given that their father had been dating, does he have a romantic partner to whom he is planning an immediate introduction ? 4 will there be a divorce in the immediate future to which the kids will need to adjust?

Your kids are going to have so many adjustments to make, meeting your new love interest should not even be on the radar screen. You have acclimated your kids to a situation where their parents claim to be apart but the kids still have 24/7 access to both parents. Their world is about to change drastically, and those changes will likely require significant adjustments on their part.

You say your partner will be a great father figure. Your kids have an actual father and may neither feel the need for nor want a father figure for some time to come.

I am not a believer in the notion of " the One.". I think that if you have only had a telephone relationship for the last year , you too will need to re-enter this relationship not only physically but also with all of the baggage that you are brining from the disintegration of your current marriage/relationship.

While you may love the new man, the children may not feel the same way. As an adult who has never had children of his own, he may find it not as easy to be accepting of another man's children as he assumes that it will be.

Why not just date this man and let future plans evolve as the relationship evolves. You are going to have so much on your plate in the near future that the question of when he should meet your children is not likely to be within the top ten of issues that need resolution.

Date him if you can make the time and just enjoy the adult relationship without any expectations related to your children or the future.

This is spot on

What tatler said.

It's hard to imagine him being the one when he hasn't even met your children, what happens if they don't get along? Or he is not cut out to be a step dad, has he ever fathered someone else's children before? It's a big lifestyle change from being free without Ties and responsibilitys to settling into a ready-made family.
Good luck hope it works out.

How can you know he is the one when you've barely seen each other this time around du3 to COVID?!

I waited 2 years from being 'serious' with now DH to introduce him to DC1, so seeing each other 3 years. I wanted to be certain we were to last the distance first so that he didn't become attached and then it not last as he was 7 and very aware.

Please don't do the uncle thing, kids are not stupid. Stick to dating and seeing each other when the DC are with Dad and worry about it in a couple of years.

DP and his ex told their child they were separating and then six months later I was introduced to the child. I was not the other woman before anyone asks, we just met very early on after their split.
All has been great since. Meant to be.