Is there something wrong with me?

[disconnecteddrifter]

I'm very lucky to have a calm and respectful blended family. Our kids stay with us 4 nights and 5 days a week and get on well. Our schedule for weekend contact is Saturday and sundays as I work in a stressful job and get back late on fridays and just want to rest and enjoy not having a 5am alarm on Saturdays. I work again Saturday evening and have a free day on sunday . I'm recovering from a breakdown a month ago due to many factors and one thing that I definitely need is rest and at least 7 hrs sleep on one day of the week. I am trying to get counselling but it's very busy atm.

His kids have decided they now want to come fris ans sundays. They want my children to change also but mine dont want to but they will if asked firmly. They want to come on fris as mummy is so boring as shes tired (doesnt work) on fri nights. I obviously cant say no to this as they should feel welcome at all times but this has filled me with dread. The 10 year old wont sleep and cries all night often til about 1 or 2 am. This is only solved if daddy sleeps in same room. They go to bed around 10ish and I really need to sleep on fridays around 9. Then they are up playing instruments, baking cakes and crafting in every room of the house by around 6am. Its chaos and I cant deal with it on no sleep for a week.

I have asked if I can go and stay at my old flat which is empty atm so I can get some rest. It's only around the corner. Partner witnessed my breakdowns and knows sleep and rest is a huge issue. I'm not saying his kids arent welcome but want to protect myself by being able to rest and also being able to complete vital admin for work. I just need a break I woke over 60hr weeks out of the home. I think they would also benefit from having their dad to themselves. I would just be grumpy with ear plugs in ans unable to go downstairs anyway.
He said I am horrible and how will he explain me shunning them. He thinks I should be happy watching the 10th performace/show, their TV shows etc and on a friday night I'm just not. I need space.
So am I a terrible person to just want one night kid free? They are needy kids and I have to speak to the eldest way after my bedtime as I'm thr only one she trusts but shes still up coming in and crying until after midnight. I just want him to tell them I need a rest and I'm anxious about not being allowed to sleep. He thinks that this would make his eldest feel bad about never sleeping.

Sounds like he doesn’t believe breakdowns are a thing and he also doesn’t want to have to deal with his needy kids alone, just present the face of the best dad in the world while actually being quite ineffective.
Sounds sooo attractive

She does have her own.

You really need to end this relationship full stop.
Imagine when they are teens op... You really will be screwed then when the rule the house.
My dc went nc with their df for lack of boundaries.. If this happened in your case likely you would be blamed for that also. Stop dancing to them all and leave.

OP has her own DC but they aren't there on Fridays.

SDC want DC to change to Fridays as well even though it isn't what DC want. It doesn't sound fair to put one set of children's wishes over the other.

The irony is that DP can have what he supposedly wants which is to make everyone happy.
SDC want to come Friday = happy
DC want to come Saturday = happy
OP gets a rest at her flat = happy

Actually it's supposedly selfless DP who is not happy ??

Oh OP, I do feel for you. Is your flat big enough for you and your children? Can you cope on your own financially? I think you are making enormous sacrifices which are not being reciprocated by your 'partner'. I think you'll be heading for another breakdown unless you protect yourself now, today, by moving out. Even if temporarily for a few weeks. And to be really harsh, you will be made ill because of someone else's children, but your own children will suffer most because of it. Good luck, be strong.

I mean this kindly OP, but your partner sounds like an absolute arsehole. Seriously, his behaviour throughout what you've written here is horrendous, and it sounds like he has successfully convinced you it is all your fault.

Yes, you absolutely should be able to have a say in ANY change to contact. You are part of the household. You saying "of course I can't do that" as though that is morally correct is saddening and disturbing.

I cannot tell you how irritating it was, after reading how perfectly reasonable and accommodating you had been, and how much effort you have had to put in with his children and the ongoing toll they have taken on you, to get to this part:

He said I am horrible and how will he explain me shunning them. He thinks I should be happy watching the 10th performace/show, their TV shows etc and on a friday night I'm just not. I need space. So am I a terrible person to just want one night kid free?

This is gaslighting OP. You are NOT horrible to want space from his children, and he is attempting to bully you into thinking you are, even threatening to tell the children something untrue and hurtful in order to keep you in line.

His behaviour is appalling. First of all, I would have said no to them coming over those nights. It doesn't work for your schedule, they have a contact arrangement and should be with their mother that night. Failing that, I would back off all care of his children. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that though you like them, they are very hard work and not only should you not have to do that extra work on additional days you didn't agree to, you shouldn't have had to do it on the set days in the first place. He should have been taking the lead on all bedtimes etc. Thirdly, and only as a last resort, would I go back to your other flat.

NONE of those three options OP is unreasonable OP. None of them should be met with complaints or arguments from him, let alone all of them! If he can't handle these changes and it ends the relationship then so be it, it really sounds like that would be for the best. He doesn't respect you or consider you, and he gaslights you. Think about the title of your thread. "Is there something wrong with me?". That's how this man has made you feel, and no, there absolutely isn't something wrong with you.

I have kids but they are here on Fridays and can sleep and entertain themselves. Actually they like down time and dong want me to do everything with them. Probably because I've always worked they have had to get on with it.
He does do all the cooking when kids are here and does spend all time with them watching them draw etc. He cooks because diets are so restrictive and I refuse to cook 3 meals each dinner time. But it's like a restaurant the noise and mess I cant cope and yes this is because I'm stressed. And this is my problem.
He has said I'm like a child because I have depression I cant do a lot of things. I dont like a lot of things like I dont have mental space to watch performances or praise drawings or watch tv. I feel sensory overload and it tips me over the edge. He doesnt he it as he thinks this is all adorable and his kids are in his words sweetness and light and do nothing wrong. I dont think that way I think we are all human and all have our faults. I feel unnatural for feeling this way but I know I'm not. They arent perfect and nor should they be but I just want one morning of rest.

There is nothing wrong with you OP.
His DC sound quite needy and his expectations high. I certainly don't think my parents hovered over me all the time when I was 10. The 10 year old in this house doesn't get that or want it.

Depression is not a choice. Your partner isn't being supportive. The old broken leg analogy - if you broke a leg would he sulk because you didn't play football with them?

He has said I'm like a child because I have depression I cant do a lot of things. I dont like a lot of things like I dont have mental space to watch performances or praise drawings or watch tv. I feel sensory overload and it tips me over the edge. He doesnt he it as he thinks this is all adorable and his kids are in his words sweetness and light and do nothing wrong.

Can you not see the contrast between the way he speaks about his children, and the way he speaks about you?

He just sounds worse and worse.

The more you say the more this looks like plain old emotional abuse, OP.
It is absolutely 100% not ok for him to treat you like this.

No wonder you've had a breakdown, you poor soul. You can't do it all. You can't work the hours your working and support a relationship where, by all accounts, you're getting little to none.

Meant to add, I wonder how your mental health would do without him in the picture.

@disconnecteddrifter

And yes he says I should be more like him. He tries to make everyone happy and never himself

Apart from you? He clearly doesn't give a shit if your needs are met, or you're happy

I got a lot of these messages after I had responded in my last post. I really appreciate them they are helping me to grow a pair of breasts! I do think he is gaslighting me and I do think this makes me unhappy but gaslighting is so subtle. He says I gasligjt him. And it was difficult for him when I had my breakdown.
I did say no and explained why I need fri nights at the moment but he says they should always be welcome and we have had them fridays in the past so I'm a hypocrite. Also that they are great kids and they can be quiet and it's what the youngest wants as her step dad isnt there on friday nights ans her mum is busy cooking etc.
He truly believes I am out of order but I care less now than before. I'll go to the flat and step right back and hide in my room more when I'm at home so I can work out a plan

Step dad is busy, so therefore step mum should be dropping everything?

If his DD wants time with daddy because mum is busy, that's one thing, but he needs to manage expectations about you and your DC being summoned on demand. Small children are not known for making balanced requests taking others' needs into account.

I am curious about how DP interacts with your DC. Does he behave towards them as he expects you to behave towards his? Does he revolve his life around playing with your children? Would he drop his / his DC's plans or needs if one of your DC asked?

I said I want guaranteed rest.
I got fuck you, well you have rest I wont speak to you until Friday

This isn't a relationship with any respect for you and it's not one I'd want to be in if I was spoken to like that.

Seriously, he sounds like a poor parent and you should evaluate whether you want this stress for the rest of your time with him.

Is he worth it?

I think our relationship has become really toxic due to challenging things happening. He did speak to me and has now changed back to Saturday. I think due to the things that led to my breakdown and my breakdown the love has gone. I know he loves me because he doesnt want to lose me but I dont feel cared for not that I am in the right to expect that.

Yes you are. This is toxic and won’t get better. Go to your flat and look after yourself, OP. Enjoy the peace.

I know he loves me because he doesnt want to lose me but I dont feel cared for not that I am in the right to expect that
That’s not love, that not wanting someone who’s usually quite convenient to go away.

@disconnecteddrifter

I think our relationship has become really toxic due to challenging things happening. He did speak to me and has now changed back to Saturday. I think due to the things that led to my breakdown and my breakdown the love has gone. I know he loves me because he doesnt want to lose me but I dont feel cared for not that I am in the right to expect that.

I think you need to read your own posts back.

Your DH isn't trying to make everyone else happy - he doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

He wants you around because you're useful. How do your finances work?

He wants you to support his own inadequate parenting but not have an opinion about it

"it's what the youngest wants as her step dad isnt there on friday nights and her mum is busy cooking etc."

Seriously is that man for real? He's happy to raise his child to be utterly reliant on the adults around her at all times to the point of changing contact arrangements to those which don't suit anyone else in the household yet you're the one with the problem?! As is often stated, contact is for the benefit of the child. Pandering to her in this way would be detrimental as it further encourages her not to learn to be comfortable in her own company - no wonder the poor child cries till 1 or 2am at night.

As for him loving you because he doesn't want to lose you, as PPs have said that's not love. Love is shown by actions, and all his actions show you is that you're bottom of the list by default. You've mentioned a few things on here where you're apologetic for feeling a certain way yet anyone on the outside can see those feelings are more than reasonable. Look up the boiled frog analogy because he's messed with your head so much you've lost your frame of reference as to what's right and what's wrong.