Is there something wrong with me?

[disconnecteddrifter]

I'm very lucky to have a calm and respectful blended family. Our kids stay with us 4 nights and 5 days a week and get on well. Our schedule for weekend contact is Saturday and sundays as I work in a stressful job and get back late on fridays and just want to rest and enjoy not having a 5am alarm on Saturdays. I work again Saturday evening and have a free day on sunday . I'm recovering from a breakdown a month ago due to many factors and one thing that I definitely need is rest and at least 7 hrs sleep on one day of the week. I am trying to get counselling but it's very busy atm.

His kids have decided they now want to come fris ans sundays. They want my children to change also but mine dont want to but they will if asked firmly. They want to come on fris as mummy is so boring as shes tired (doesnt work) on fri nights. I obviously cant say no to this as they should feel welcome at all times but this has filled me with dread. The 10 year old wont sleep and cries all night often til about 1 or 2 am. This is only solved if daddy sleeps in same room. They go to bed around 10ish and I really need to sleep on fridays around 9. Then they are up playing instruments, baking cakes and crafting in every room of the house by around 6am. Its chaos and I cant deal with it on no sleep for a week.

I have asked if I can go and stay at my old flat which is empty atm so I can get some rest. It's only around the corner. Partner witnessed my breakdowns and knows sleep and rest is a huge issue. I'm not saying his kids arent welcome but want to protect myself by being able to rest and also being able to complete vital admin for work. I just need a break I woke over 60hr weeks out of the home. I think they would also benefit from having their dad to themselves. I would just be grumpy with ear plugs in ans unable to go downstairs anyway.
He said I am horrible and how will he explain me shunning them. He thinks I should be happy watching the 10th performace/show, their TV shows etc and on a friday night I'm just not. I need space.
So am I a terrible person to just want one night kid free? They are needy kids and I have to speak to the eldest way after my bedtime as I'm thr only one she trusts but shes still up coming in and crying until after midnight. I just want him to tell them I need a rest and I'm anxious about not being allowed to sleep. He thinks that this would make his eldest feel bad about never sleeping.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want some rest, especially as you've had a breakdown recently. I can certainly relate to this as am going through one myself and need rest and routine to cope.

I had to set some boundaries with DP with the DSCs. The youngest (who is now 9) used to wake up around 6am and the second it hit 7am, would be in our room to wake us up. I had to tell DP that for my mental health, this had to stop. I work and get up early the rest of the week, the weekend should be my chance to sleep a little longer. We have a puppy so it's not like I'm sleeping for much longer than 7am anyway, but if the pup is still sleeping, I want to be too!

Anyway, he agreed and told DSD that we would go into her when we are awake, but that she cannot wake us up. She wasn't awfully happy and pushed it a couple of times to begin with, but we haven't budged so she now follows the rules.

I don't think you should have to have your DSCs on the Friday. However, if you are going to then boundaries need to be set, which your DP needs to agree and stick to. So, no getting up before whatever time. They can read in their beds but not leave their room, unless to go to the toilet. That sort of thing. If they start making noise, your DP needs to get up, tell them to go back to bed quietly, and return to you. He cannot pander to it.

Make sure you set the boundaries in place first. Bag the bed for yourself on a Friday, go to bed when you want, they keep the noise down, and you don't have to set an alarm. Can DP not sleep elsewhere? That would give you a decent night's rest.

Why doesn’t his child trust him? You shouldn’t be the only person his child trusts, that’s very weird.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to need and seek a break. Why are you asking his permission rather than telling him what you’re doing? Shunning?! Tell him to piss off.

He doesn’t want responsibility for parenting his kids. That’s what’s going on. He’s also showing a worrying lack of care for you, his partner, and that’s awful.

Do what you need to do op.. Tell him when he is prepared to parent his dc you will be back. Dc's wishes to rule a home doesn't over rule an adult needing to be fit and healthy..

You are NOT horrible and it doesn't "calm and respectful" of your DP to call you that. You sound exhausted. If he decides to go ahead and have his DC that night, you're totally within your rights to go to your flat or upstairs with earplugs if that is what protects your health. It doesn't sound at all fair either to force your DC into a schedule change they don't like.

What is DP doing to address and get to the cause of his DD being awake for hours and hours at night? If she's then up at 6am she can only be getting about 4 hours sleep? Sounds awful for her and you.

Why is your husband such an ineffectual parent? Up all night at 10 years of age, chaos in the morning? That's ridiculous. He needs to control his kids.

Surely contact can't be changed without agreement between you?

Why on Earth is the ten year old crying every night? That is the most bizarre thing out of the many bizarre things in this post!

If your DH wants his kids to stay then he should be dealing with them. Why can’t he take them out or engage them in a quiet activity while you rest.

Totally agree with previous posters about house rules and boundaries. No instruments at 6am would be a firm one!! Talk it through calmly with your DH, write it all down if necessary but make him understand that families have to give and take and you are just as important as the kids. Good luck

Thanks for your replies. It's good to see a different perspective. We dont agree contact as he thinks they should be welcome to come whenever they want as it's their home.
I cant set boundaries as my partner thinks its not fair for his kids to be on their own or have to be quiet in their own home. Says that I have too many rules ans what rules am I going to have next etc. Thers is no way i would be allowed to say they have to stay in their rooms plus they would tell their mum and she would pressure DH. But really he says his dad was up with him at the weekends and he wants to be with them. I even said I would go for a bike ride on saturday ans he was upset I didng want the kids to come along. I have one morning to myself a week and just because they are coming I dont see why that should be taken away. My kids would let me have space but he thinks his would feel shunned.
The 10 year old has anxiety I guess and has got into the habit of either dad sleeping with her and getting up at 6 to play or crying and trembling all night. I think she trusts me more because I'm no nonsense and tell her she is capable of not crying. Shes got a good life I promise nothing will happen. But I get frustrated at all the kids if they wake me up for no reason and he thinks this will mean she doesnt want to come anymore and so I have to grin and bear it but I think it will do her good to be taught to be considerate of others and maybe take her focus away from herself as she is naturally a kind helpful girl. But if hes sleepint with her I dont see what the difference is if I'm in my flat anyway. Except I will get some sleep

my partner thinks its not fair for his kids to have to be quiet in their own home.

Sorry... what??
Ever?
Even at 6 in the morning? Or indeed 2 in the morning?
At what age does he think one suddenly has to consider others, and how does he think this gets learned?

One of my DSC is an early riser, but at age 10, knows he can read, make breakfast etc and is considerate to us and his almost-teen sibling. I think it was when he was 8 that we put a stop to him just waking us whatever time, and said before 7am we need to sleep. Never been a problem since.

I have asked if I can go and stay at my old flat which is empty atm so I can get some rest. It's only around the corner.
@disconnecteddrifter - You have to ASK for permission to take some time out?
That does not sound like a healthy relationship at all & you subsequently being called horrible is bang out of order.
Your oh sounds lazy & controlling if I'm to be honest.

OP , you are an adult working 60 hours a week. Why, in the name of all that is holy, do you think that you need your husband's permission to do something that is in your best interest?. You are long past the age where you need permission to do anything for yourself.

Perhaps your husband does not treat you as an equal requiring adult consideration because you are presenting yourself as a child needing permission.

If you are not asking him to keep your children when you go to your old flat, why then do you need his permission?

Take control of your time and actions; only then will he view you as an adult with equal standing.

Thanks @Tiredoftatler I need to hear that. I've been unable to sleep as anxious about it and my brain goes on loop. I need his permission I guess because it causes so much stress. He asked what can he tell them about me shunning them. I think he can tell them: I need some rest o Friday night; I need to work on a sat morning, I csnt sleep because of the eldest's problems (he wont havecthat as thinks she shouldnt feel guilty) and they can have nice time with their dad.
He often makes me feel guilty if I have any boundaries or rules as he calls them disparagingly. He doesnt understand as he thinks his kids are so lovely and amazing ans why wouldnt i want them here all the time.

He sounds like a shit dad tbh. Kids need boundaries.

Your health needs to take priority here and it's worrying that he doesn't agree with that. This 'shunning' business is nonsense - he just needs to tell them that you've not been well and need to rest somewhere quiet.

Please take that time to yourself in your flat and while you're there, rethink this relationship. It sounds like his inability to parent effectively or take you into consideration were probably a major factor in your breakdown.

Does your partner ever not get his way? Does he put you before himself at any time? Has he any idea what a compromise is?

He sounds like a manipulative bully. Using his kids to control you is disgusting.

Don't let him guilt you, it's not your problem what he tells his kids. You need to rest so go do it, you're a grown up. He doesn't want you to go because he doesn't want to look after his kids. He's all 'they should be allowed to come and go as they please' as long as he doesn't have to do the childcare. Moron. If I were you I'd go to the flat every Friday. I feel he would soon start seeing the benefits of setting boundaries. It doesn't matter if you're not there one night, they're not there to see you. Maybe it will help him bond with the one who only wants you. He's a bully, just say no.

The children will only see you as “shunning” them if he tells them that. If he explains the truth - that you need the rest and to sleep and they can have a lovely time with their dad - then they will be fine. He is the one setting them up to be upset and hurt, not you!

Well I said I hadnt slept and that I needed space. He said he would keep them quiet. Take them out etc. I said I want guaranteed rest. I got fuck you, well you have rest I wont speak to you until Friday and what precedent does it set if I'm not there, were a family and girls want me to be here etc. Becuase im unwell im sitting at work trying not to cry.

Fuck all that! I'd be getting my kids and moving back to my flat! You have to ask? You're a fully grown woman with your own job and family.

Have my very first ever LTB.

And yes he says I should be more like him. He tries to make everyone happy and never himself

Bollocks that he’s trying to keep everyone happy, he’s following the path of least resistance for himself that’s all.

Give him a hefty dose of your no nonsense approach and tell him if he wants to keep everyone happy then you need to rest and he needs to make his daughter feel secure enough to prefer coming to him, her own parent, for comfort!

How dare he swear at you and tell you he’ll stop speaking to you until Friday unless you agree with his demands! I’m so angry on your behalf. I know the term “abuse” can get bandied around on MN too freely sometimes but what he’s doing to you is coercive control.

@disconnecteddrifter

And yes he says I should be more like him. He tries to make everyone happy and never himself

Everyone but you. It sounds like you are drawing appropriate and very needed boundaries and he is grossly trying to bully you out of it. I know it is so hard, but listen to the other posts saying that you don't need to ask permission to protect your sleep and mental health. I wish I had learned that earlier on.

Oh, swearing and then the silent treatment. Most mature of all tactics

Just ignore him, go to your flat, get a favourite takeaway and let him self righteously sleep on his daughter's bedroom floor and get up at 6am! His reaction is his problem.

He and girls may WANT you to be there but you NEED to protect your health, nobody is going to be in therapy in 10 years because their SM one time didn't watch CBeebies with them. What would he have done if he didn't have a partner?

Sorry if I missed this but do you have DC ?

With the caveat that I am reading the step parenting board when I am not a step parent, it’s not even nine in the morning and you are sitting at work trying to to cry. That’s awful!

Honestly, if you have a pair of clean knickers in your bag, just don’t go back to that house tonight. You have your own flat that appears to be convenient and empty. Go to there and see about making a life for yourself. Please?