Feel left out when SD around.

[Delboybaggins]

Yes I'm expecting to be told to give my head a shake, but I just wondered if anyone has felt/feels like this sometimes?

I'm fairly new into being a step-parent, and don't get me wrong I am happy my DH has such a good relationship with his DD (aged 16).
He runs about after her and I could go upstairs (like now) and he'd not check if I was okay. I've quite often come down and they'll have started watching a film and not asked me if I want to watch it.

Am I bring over sensitive??

@Bluntness100 the language of that whole comment was designed to make OP look rude, though. It doesn't necessarily follow that if you don't think he is being rude, she must be.

OP didn't say anything about going upstairs to sit alone. For all you or any of the other posters know she was doing something up there, which is exactly what is being described as no big deal. Why is it suddenly totally normal to go off and do your own thing, so no need to check in on her, but at the same time dreadfully rude to not announce what you were doing so they know they don't need to check on you? Which is it? Either it's a big deal that she's upstairs or it's not.

The idea that she wanted him to "come chasing after her" is hyperbole by posters on this thread. I would also expect that, at some point during the evening, given that neither of us generally wonder off to do our own thing without mentioning it, my partner would notice I wasn't there and think to ask what I was up to. That's not the same thing or nearly as dramatic as expecting him to come running after me, it's just a minor, unspoken assumption that fits into the dynamic we have. People are painting that as far more dramatic than it is.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Bluntness100 why would going upstairs be rude, if not noticing someone has gone upstairs isn't rude?[/quote]
I don't think either of them are rude actually. Well , you're assuming they didn't notice. Of course they noticed, they just didn't see the need to check on a fully functional adult that has gone upstairs for a bit. Which is entirely fair enough.

OP had two options here, either join in with whatever they are doing or learn to enjoy her own company.

Expecting to be "checked on" is fairly needy regardless if she's a mum or a step mum.

Actually I don’t think either is being rude either, I was simply asking the question to the poster who said it was rude for him not to check if they also thought it was not rude for her to just fuck off out of it.

For me, generally if you disappear and don’t come back your partner will get curious and come looking for you to check you’re ok. Normally that’s why people say, I’m going to lie down for an hour, or I’m going to read my book.

Just walking away and not coming back is attention seeking and making a point, it’s wanting the other person to come check on you. I can’t blame him for not feeding it when his child is there and just putting a movie on and ignoring the behaviour.

@Bluntness100 Going upstairs to test whether he would follow is the most negative way of framing OPs intentions, though. More likely it was much like you described, she went upstairs and at some point noticed he hadn't noticed or made any comment, and that surprised and saddened her. It wasn't automatically done to be attention seeking, it may just be a trend she has noticed.

As for it being fair enough for him to ignore her, that depends on whether she had reason to feel put out, surely. I would argue he does have some level of a duty to make step parenting a tolerable experience for her, so poking his head around the door wouldn't have gone amiss, if he was aware that she had gone away due to being upset.

Hmmm I don’t know. That’s overly generous. Who goes upstairs and stays there, I presume sitting in her bedroom on her own, and doesn’t mention they are going then suddenly notices no one has checked on her and is pissed they started watching a movie

Do you do that? I don’t. If I was going to go and sit in my bedroom alone, I’d say to my family.

@Bluntness100 Not to make a point, no, but she hasn't said why she goes upstairs or for how long. I've got caught up doing something elsewhere, and my DP would always ask what I was up to after a while.

I wouldn't expect him to start a film without me because I'd obviously like to see the beginning. None of this would cause deep offence, but as a pattern I would probably notice and think it was somewhat inconsiderate. He may just be more like the people on here and be used to spending his time time quite independently from a partner so not even question that she is elsewhere for the evening, but that doesn't mean she's inherently needy to have different expectations, they're not that outlandish. It might just require a conversation.

OP had two options here, either join in with whatever they are doing or learn to enjoy her own company
Hmmm yes - but if op had come on here, stated she thought dh & dsd were being rude but had thought "sod that" & had plonked herself down to join in WITHOUT GETTING A ROYAL INVITATION, you'd all be braying at her, telling her to to clear off & give them space to have their daddy/daughter time!!!!!

@Magda72

OP had two options here, either join in with whatever they are doing or learn to enjoy her own company Hmmm yes - but if op had come on here, stated she thought dh & dsd were being rude but had thought "sod that" & had plonked herself down to join in WITHOUT GETTING A ROYAL INVITATION, you'd all be braying at her, telling her to to clear off & give them space to have their daddy/daughter time!!!!!

No I wouldn't, and I'd actually be on her side if she was always left out. I'm not a "a SM's place is in the wrong" follower.

I don't see an issue with DSD and her dad spending time together, I don't see an issue with OP wanting to join in or spending time by herself. I do think wanting to be checked on and being invited to a movie downstairs is an issue, but a personality issue regardless if OP is a SM or not.

Wow thank you for replies!
Just to clarify I do get on with DSD, although she's very quiet.

I do think DH runs around after his DD a bit too much, which I have mentioned. Personally I think she'll never learn to be more independent if he panders to her.
She also stays up to 3/4 nights a week and pops round most days when she's a college so has plenty of time with her Dad.

I don't get where all this talk of 'priority' comes into threads like this. Why the need to prioritise anyone in such a mundane, normal situation?

Asking your partner if they want to come and watch a film you're about to put on is not 'prioritising' them over your child. Prioritising your partner over your child would be something like cancelling contact to see your partner instead. Not this. This is such a normal situation, no one needs to be 'prioritised', in what way is anyone being treated as a priority here? It's watching a film on the sofa. It takes two seconds to shout up stairs 'we're just starting X if you fancy it?'. People are very weird about all this 'priority' stuff.

As for checking on your upstairs... Hmm. DH probably wouldn't unless I was up there for a long time and he had no idea what I was doing. Then he may pop his head round on his way to the loo or something to ask what I was up to but I don't think he'd specifically come up to check on me as soon as I went upstairs. Although tbh I would probably say on my way up what I was doing 'im just going for a lie down/read a book' etc...

Get a bloody grip, you’re jealous of his 16 year old daughter.

Did it feel good to get that out dragon? I’m sure OP will find your post really helpful. Good for you

I think you have to consider if this bothers you to the point you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, because it won't just stop when she turns 18. They may go out to events/lunch/coffee alone...as you probably do with him in normal times.

You feel as you do and if you plan a future with him, this is when you decide if it's working for you.

From the perspective of the child, they would expect to spend quality time with their parent on visitation, as you have all the other time with him when they aren't there.

Bottom line.... only you can decide if the situation makes you so unhappy to the point it's not worth it, as far as the future with him goes. Life is too short to be in a relationship that doesn't bring you joy and where you feel you have to disappear upstairs 3 to 4 times a week.

You mentioned you were new to this, but pre covid you took yourself away. It seems like that worked fine for him and her or they might think you want to give them space to be alone.

Just to clarify I do get on with DSD, although she's very quiet.
Maybe her quiet nature is why he spends that one on one time with her. She may feel unrelaxed around you...through no fault of yours.

I do think DH runs around after his DD a bit too much, which I have mentioned.

I didn't realise it was your DH.. thought DP. So there may be more at play here for your SD.

Personally I think she'll never learn to be more independent if he panders to her.

Panders in what way? Examples?

Is she able to do things a normal 16 yo should be able to do?

He will be dealing with massive guilt.. she's 16... this will soon be over .. who the hell wants to hang out with their dad at 16 ???

who the hell wants to hang out with their dad at 16 ???

Depends on the child and the dad really. The quality of their relationship is key.

Also visiting your dad isn't exactly hanging out with your dad as you would with your mates. They're not clubbing together or going to gigs.

You simply can't make th

Pressed send too soon

Can't make a generalisation.

@Trickyboy - you'd be surprised! my exdp's 3 dc spent all their time waiting to hang out with him at the weekend - they were 19, 16 & 13 when we spilt & from what I hear things have not changed. They are now 21, 18 & 15. They were taught no independence, have few friends & their biggest mate is their dad! Personally I think that's very sad.
@Delboybaggins is correct (imo) when she surmises that her dh running around after his dd may cause her problems later on.
My dd (15) still goes to her dad's regularly but spends a good potion of her time there out with pals (pre covid). She may go for a walk/cycle with her dad alone but they sit down as a family (her, sm & exh) most evenings for movies. It's a good mix & far more normal at that age than intense 1 2 1.

I didn’t realise it was abnormal or controlling to check up on your partner if they suddenly disappear from the room, my ex used to check on me and vice versa. Maybe not physically but he/I just send a WhatsApp message along the lines of ‘you okay?’ I thought that was normal lol, maybe it’s not but it worked for us.

I used to also feel like this when my SD was around OP I do think it’s normal to sometimes feel a little left out or unsure of yourself, some good old fashioned communication solved it for us. Just getting it off my chest helped loads.