Feel left out when SD around.

[Delboybaggins]

Yes I'm expecting to be told to give my head a shake, but I just wondered if anyone has felt/feels like this sometimes?

I'm fairly new into being a step-parent, and don't get me wrong I am happy my DH has such a good relationship with his DD (aged 16).
He runs about after her and I could go upstairs (like now) and he'd not check if I was okay. I've quite often come down and they'll have started watching a film and not asked me if I want to watch it.

Am I bring over sensitive??

I don't get why he would shout to check on you if you go upstairs. Its a new relationship she is priority.

I disagree 100% with people that say kids are priorities! F$*$ that!

One thing is always be there for a child/teenager/adult kid. That, every parent should do! But that doesn't mean the partner has to ignore their spouses or make everything about the kid. This is tiresome and will definitely compromise the future of the relationship.
I see a lot of parents neglecting their partners because they're helicopter parents or they wanna make up to whatever guilt they feel about the kid.
I never felt abandoned by my husband when my SD is home nor have I felt jealous because she's very close to me too. But honestly, I think the kids need time with their parents. If they wanna watch a movie, go out, do whatever they want, I wouldn't feel offended if I don't get invited. In all seriousness, I'd be happy. That gives me time for myself an I don't have to play the mother that I'm not.

You're new to this, but if I may give you an advice, disengaging sometimes is the best thing in the world to avoid unnecessary drama. On the other hand, if this really bothers you, have a nice talk with your partner. I'm sure they have a great relationship and that's why they spent quality time together.

I always feel pushed out when the DSC are here, and they are here 50% of the time. So are my own though. Not always at the same time. It's easier when mine are here but when they're not, I tend to just take myself off and out of the equation and leave them to it. That was easier pre-COVID, theres nowhere to go now so it's been a challenge.

Sorry but the dc don't live with their dad their time is restricted and limited of course they should be priority to a new partner on the scene. They entitled to spend time on their own with their own df without having to always include the new partner.

I don’t know about the going upstairs thing. Why would he check if you’re ok?!

The movie is a little more understandable. If you’re the only other person in the house it’s polite to ask if you fancy watching with them.

If he’s doing it as alone time he should tell you.

Could you get involved too. So stay downstairs and watch a movie with them for example, instead of going upstairs?

That said, they may want time just the two of them and that's ok too.

I don’t understand why you need to be checked on if you go upstairs? That’s not a normal dynamic for an adult to require that.

As for watching a movie that’s a communication issue. Do you go upstairs and stay there a lot then?

Erm if I disappeared upstairs my DH would be asking after me. And watching a movie without asking you is just rude IMO.

Just leave them to it and find something you want to do in another room till you and DSD get more used to each other.

16 is an awkward age anyway so I'd be happier to not be expected get to involved to much so think yourself lucky in a way not to get involved in teenage dramas.

and it's very very childish of you OP as a grown woman to expect your DH to be checking on you upstairs.

@combatbarbie

Erm if I disappeared upstairs my DH would be asking after me. And watching a movie without asking you is just rude IMO.

What really? If you go upstairs he asks if you’re ok? Gosh that is really weird. I can’t imagine not being able to go upstairs without being asked that. What rooms are you allowed to go to then on your own?

@Bluntness100 perhaps because I don't go upstairs unless doing housework, shower or bed so if I "disappeared" upstairs of course he'd come and check to see if I was OK. Your post smacks of obtuseness.

[quote combatbarbie]@Bluntness100 perhaps because I don't go upstairs unless doing housework, shower or bed so if I "disappeared" upstairs of course he'd come and check to see if I was OK. Your post smacks of obtuseness. [/quote]
Ehrm you do know that most people posting find it odd that someone feels they should be checked on if they go upstairs in their own home. Right? Flinging insults ain’t gonna change it.

Grow up 🙄

@combatbarbie

Erm if I disappeared upstairs my DH would be asking after me. And watching a movie without asking you is just rude IMO.

Why on earth would you need to be checked on in your own house?!

Unless you were ill or something I just don’t get it.

@Bluntness100 what's you're problem, you quoted me, I replied with a perfectly valid response.

I find it odd that if your partner "disappeared" out of the main living areas you wouldn't check on them. Clearly that isn't the case if that person frequently uses another room to read or do a hobby. Newsflash.... Not everyone is the same or holds the same opinions.

He's not your Dad. I only 'check' on dh when he has suspiciously gone awol at the exact time a job needs doing.

And how many threads have we had recently of not feeling supported or acknowledged or understood..... MN beggars belief sometimes.

I'd love to hear the replies if it were role reversed.

Here we go again - let's bash someone for merely looking for support. Lordy but you're all a lovely kind bunch on here - not!
@Delboybaggins - I don't see them spending time alone as a problem but I do think the way your dp is going about this is pretty rude/unfeeling & he should be managing it better.
When I was with exdp if I wanted some alone time with my dc or especially my youngest who's the only girl I'd just say to him in advance that I was planning a girlie evening. I wouldn't just plonk myself & dd on the sofa, say nothing to him & ignore his whereabouts for the evening. That in my opinion is rude.
Also, if at any point anyone in my household disappeared to their room out of the blue I would check up on them for as @combatbarbie said, the bedrooms in my house are used for sleeping only or alone time so I would just check to see if that person was ok/if something had happened in school/bad period cramps or the such like.
I would chat to your dp if I were you & ask how he would like you both to mange your time when his dd is with you. Most well balanced parents aim for a balanced mix of 1 to 1 & doing things as a 'group'. If your dp expects you to clear off every time his dd is over then that would be a massive red flag for me - you only have to read other threads on here to see where Disney Dads always prioritising their dcs gets people in the long term.
Yes his dd needs alone time with her dad, but she also should interact with you in your home.
For the people at the back - that's how you rear well balanced, generous, non entitled dc.

Op your feelings are valid .I have also felt this way .Yes I would also take myself of somewhere in the house to let them have quality time together, but by the same token would like my partner to check in with me .I,like you felt left out , but then I came to understand that I am a person that never wants to leave anyone out , but assume most people are the same .They are not .Talk with your partner explain how you feel .I'm not saying that your partner will make an extra effort to check on you , but you'll like me see that it's not done to hurt you .

You’ve stated the step parent thing is a bit newish and new dynamics in a relationship can take a while to get used to and feel comfortable with. I’ve been with my DP for about 5 years, I’m comfortable with his teen son but I will always feel a bit awkward with his 18 year old daughter - I’m friendly of course though and don’t let on.

I wouldn’t expect my DP to be checking on me to see if I disappeared, but we are a busy household so heading somewhere outside or into a bedroom alone isn’t uncommon.

In your case if he’s not seeing his daughter a lot I’d be leaving them to it when she’s here and be glad for some time to myself. Or if I felt like watching a movie I’d just join in, and I think you need to make yourself just do things like because it can look like you’re creating an atmosphere and being a bit precious if you need mollycoddling and checking and inviting everywhere whenever she’s around. I get that you may feel uncomfortable but as the adult in this scenario with his daughter, think of it as when you are at work you have a work persona where you’ll make social small talk with colleagues because a positive atmosphere makes an easier work life.

How long have you been together, how longing have you been in her life and how well do you get along?

All this will have a significant impact on the dynamics of the family.

There are 3 dynamics: You act as a family and all activities are done together. This is fine if you've had the chance to get to know eachother well and you all get along and are happy to spend most of your time together. Possible, but at 16, not as common as if she was 6.

Or you accept that she wants time with her dad without you, because maybe you've rushed a bit into her life and she hasn't had enough time to accept you in her life but you are jealous of the intention she gets and expect your oh to give you as much attention as he gives her when she's there. In this instance, assuming she's there eow, you might need ask yourself why, if you have his full attention 12 days out if 14, you need it to a high extent on these 2 days too.

Or you accept that she and you are not very close, or that you don't really enjoy the things they share, or appreciate that they have a bond that they share when it's the two of them and that without removing yourself completely for 2 days, you use most of it for yourself to do the things you don't otherwise do.

The latter shouldn't mean ignoring eachother completely of course but just taking a step back. Going up and expecting him to check in you is passive aggressive behaviour and won't help in anyway.

Hopefully you'll find the right balance that suits the 3 of you.

It could be that you’re over sensitive because your expectations haven’t yet caught up with the reality of a step parenting situation, or it could be you’re not sensitive at all and it’s like you suddenly become invisible to your DP as soon as his daughter arrives.

You say he runs around after his DD but doesn’t come to check on you - I read that as you don’t expect to be “checked up on” as such but you’re hurt he doesn’t register you’re not there whereas he normally would if his DD wasn’t in the house?

Have a chat with your DP and establish what your expectations are of each other when his daughter’s in the house. You’ll need to give them some 1-2-1 time but likewise it doesn’t mean it’s right for him to ignore your needs to - you’re not there merely to fill the gap between his DD’s visits. If he reacts badly or starts throwing around accusations of you hating his DD etc bin him off because it never ends well in those situations.

Give your head a wobble please. This speaks volumes.

[quote combatbarbie]**@Bluntness100 what's you're problem, you quoted me, I replied with a perfectly valid response.

I find it odd that if your partner "disappeared" out of the main living areas you wouldn't check on them. Clearly that isn't the case if that person frequently uses another room to read or do a hobby. Newsflash.... Not everyone is the same or holds the same opinions. [/quote]
I read your post and thought either you're an attention seeking drama queen who thrives off people chasing after them wondering what's wrong, or your husband is controlling and wants you to account for why you're not present. From your response and attitude to @Bluntness100 I guess its the former.

In this household if one person wants to go off into the bedroom for whatever reason we go 'I am not feeling well/want to read my book/fancy a bit of time alone, give me a shout if you're making a cuppa' rather than sloping off and expecting the other one to scuttle around like a lost puppy wondering what's happening.