Feel left out when SD around.

[Delboybaggins]

Yes I'm expecting to be told to give my head a shake, but I just wondered if anyone has felt/feels like this sometimes?

I'm fairly new into being a step-parent, and don't get me wrong I am happy my DH has such a good relationship with his DD (aged 16).
He runs about after her and I could go upstairs (like now) and he'd not check if I was okay. I've quite often come down and they'll have started watching a film and not asked me if I want to watch it.

Am I bring over sensitive??

@PolPotNoodle wow!! Attention seeking or controlling relationship.... Hmmm or maybe just normal consideration for another human being in the household who is not present in family life.

The OP should not have to hide away in her own home and her DP should be considerate of how she is feeling in this new situation. Yes 1 on 1 is important but not for every minute the SDC is there.

Yet again another step mother bashing thread as she is being ridiculous for having feelings 🙄

[quote combatbarbie]@PolPotNoodle wow!! Attention seeking or controlling relationship.... Hmmm or maybe just normal consideration for another human being in the household who is not present in family life.

The OP should not have to hide away in her own home and her DP should be considerate of how she is feeling in this new situation. Yes 1 on 1 is important but not for every minute the SDC is there.

Yet again another step mother bashing thread as she is being ridiculous for having feelings 🙄[/quote]
Oh don’t be silly now, calm down

We all know that if you’re going to go upstairs or sit in another room it’s normal to say “I’m off to do x” and not expect someone to come check on you. She doesn’t need to hide away, she’s choosing to do so. They are letting her get on with it, which is the right thing to do, and not create drama.

The op needs to talk to her partner. She is jealous of his relationship with his daughter and feels left out when she’s there. She needs to talk to him honestly about how she feels and not go sit in her room, but try to join in,

I used to feel the same way, as cats said; I was adjusting to the new situation and hadn’t quite got my expectations vs the reality quite right. This took time and a pretty frank discussion with my OH. Give it time, you are not wrong for having those feelings, you just need to find a way for the situation to work for all of you. Plus, in the past when I wondered up to my bedroom to have some alone time, my OH would always check up on me, he’s considerate like that. Hope you manage to find a good balance, good luck

I find it odd that if your partner "disappeared" out of the main living areas you wouldn't check on them. Because he's an adult and I'd assume he's left of his own choice because he wants to. If we'd just had a falling out or he'd had bad news then that's different but sounds like (you) OP is going upstairs to see if her DP will come running after her to beg her to come downstairs and sit in the middle and eat all the popcorn because she's so special and it wouldn't be the same without her.

Um OP, with the best will in the world you mentioned you are new to step-parenting so I'm guessing you haven't been together that long?

What you and your DP have may well be lovely and last but it doesn't eradicate 16 years of child/parent relationship. Especially if they have always been close.

There would be something seriously wrong with him if it did IMO.

I think it's obtuse and extremely MN typical for people to be calling you childish over the going upstairs thing. Do people really not understand that different people have different dynamics? I get the impression from many on MN that they are used to and like doing their own thing a lot (not all that surprising given we are all people that spend a lot of time posting on an internet forum if you really think about it) but I have rarely met people who behave this way in relationships in real life. Most couples I know do spend a majority of their evenings together by default, so if they were to disappear upstairs for a whole evening without mentioning that they were off doing something, their partner would naturally wonder why, because it's a change from the normal routine. It would certainly be noted in my house, because it doesn't happen that often. Me and my DP are fairly often doing different things in the evening but never without mentioning it. It's not like either of us would be mortally offended, but yes we would naturally ask what the other was up to or say "I'm just going to do X", otherwise the other person would be sat on the sofa waiting for them to materialize to do something together, because that's what we do by default when neither of us are busy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with either camp but I don't think it's childish at all. People can be so incredibly condescending on this subject on here.

I think it's a bit inconsiderate of them to crack on with films etc without involving you, if there's another adult around it's odd to treat them like a spare part. But it doesn't need to be a major thing. I would have a word with your partner, he might simply not have thought about it.

I wonder if you could talk about expectations with your DH. I imagine he thinks when his DD is there he will crack on spending time with her and you can come and go and choose to join in or not. Whereas you think you need to be invited to be included. A conversation can clear this up and agree future ways of handling similar situations. I wouldn't expect someone to check if I was OK either fwiw unless I disappeared for hours.

I don't think either of you is in the wrong btw. Your DH should be able to watch a film with his DD without you if that's what they want given you haven't been together long.

The issue isn’t really whether OP expects her partner to check up on her. It’s the contrast between that and “he runs about after her” in relation to his DD. No one needs to run about after a 16yo - spend lots of time with her if she wants to - yes - treat her like visiting royalty at the expense of everyone else - no.

OP’s clearly self aware enough to acknowledge she might be being over sensitive. Until we know a bit more about what’s actually going on and whether what OP calls running about is actually perfectly normal parenting or not, posts such as “attention seeking drama queen” and “grow up” are unnecessarily unpleasant.

He might just be letting you have a break.

Talk to him about it, but try not to make him feel like he's having to choose between you. IME dads who have split up from their kids mothers are often very sensitive about the time they have with their kids and can react badly to even the most sensible requests.

Your DH should be able to watch a film with his DD without you if that's what they want given you haven't been together long

In theory yes but what does the reality of that actually look like? I actually think the fact they haven't been together long makes that less reasonable.

If they don't live together it's pretty shitty to invite her over just to expect her to make herself scarce.

If they do live together and are planning on using the main living space... again, it's pretty shitty to expect her to make herself scarce, especially without any kind of indication from her that she's happy to do so, as some people would be.

We only have one living space in my house so I wouldn't appreciated being expected to hover around elsewhere so my DP and SS could watch a film alone together. If they want 1-1 time they need to find somewhere to do it.

I wouldn’t have expected my eXH to constantly check on me/invite me to watch a film with him and DS and he was our joint child. Why should a step parent be any different?

They’re both adults. If the OP wants to be included then she should join in, not wait around to be invited.

This has nothing to do with step parent bashing and everything to do with adults behaving like adults.

It would piss me off no end if my DP followed me round like a puppy constantly needing to check if `I were ok if I decided to go into a different room.

He has come and checked on me if I’ve gone upstairs without saying much but only because I have a serious illness and deep down he’s afraid I might have dropped dead, but if I said to him “I’m going upstairs to do x/y then I expect that to be the end of it and that I’ll come down when I wish to.

We only have one living space in my house so I wouldn't appreciated being expected to hover around elsewhere so my DP and SS could watch a film alone together. If they want 1-1 time they need to find somewhere to do it. But where has the OP said she’s expected to make herself scarce or that if she came down she would be asked not to be there?

This is pure projection on your part.

The OP said she thought her DP should be checking on her, thought she should be invited to watch a film. At no point has she said that her DP has told her she’s not welcome to watch the film.

If she wants to watch it, then go and watch it. Only then can she complain if she’s asked to leave the room so he and his DD can be alone, but it doesn’t sound as if that’s what’s happened here...

I think the not checking on you isn't a big deal or something to worry about.

Although when I go upstairs to hide have a breather / read when the step kids are here, if gone more than half an hour sometimes OH will something stick his head round the door / text to check I'm alright. That's lovely, but also I wouldn't mind if he didn't as I've chosen to go off.

I think the film thing is rude though. OH would never start watching a film without inviting me to join whether the kids are here or not and I'd be annoyed if he did. Not least because it would mean the whole living area was off limits for three hours then unless I wanted to join half way.

Sometimes if they want to watch something I don't fancy I'll say nah you crack on and sort supper / read elsewhere / drift in and out. More often we all pick what to watch together and compromise so everyone enjoys it.

Choosing and starting a film without even mentioning it to you DOES sound exclusive and I'd be annoyed. Especially if it was regular.

Even if they wanted Daddy / daughter time as some PP's have suggested, that should be something he mentions to you and you agree a time together etc. Rather than just pushing you out passive aggressively by starting a film without you.

And I don't think the fact you go upstairs at times "speaks volumes" as PP have said. OH and I take turns having breaks because teenagers in lockdown with homeschooling is v full on.

@AlternativePerspective I'm not projecting at all, I was responding specifically to a comment that said he should be able to watch films with his DD without OP if he wants.

Don’t bother wobbling your head, your concerns are perfectly valid, and although the upstairs example not the best you could have given, I understand your sentiment exactly. It’s tough, but it is likely something you’ll have to adjust to. At the beginning I did actually feel I was intruding. Now I disengage. Neither of them were going to change, and indeed why would they? It’s their vibe, no matter what I think of it. It took years tho, and much wasted effort on my part. The lockdown in many ways helped me hugely in this regard.

I suspect that the Dp and DSD didn't give putting a film on half as much thought as OP did and would have welcomed her if she had stayed or come down to watch.

OP ignore those who say things like give your head a wobble as they probably aren't step-parents and have just come on here to post nasty things to have a dig.

As other posters have said you need to talk to your husband as his attitude is rude and inconsiderate, and if you don't communicate with each other you won't stay married.

So while it is fine for him to do things with his daughter or even on his own without you, but it isn't fine for him to take over your joint living space,without saying so first e.g. "Daughter and I are going to watch a film", "I'm going to watch James Bond".

You should also point out to him he is modelling to his daughter, who will leave home in a few years, that it is fine to take over joint living space and not to consider the other occupants who live there. Doing this sort of thing causes loads of conflict in shared houses/flats especially among women.

However he doesn't need to check on you once he has said he is doing something without you.

@RedMarauder

OP ignore those who say things like give your head a wobble as they probably aren't step-parents and have just come on here to post nasty things to have a dig.

As other posters have said you need to talk to your husband as his attitude is rude and inconsiderate, and if you don't communicate with each other you won't stay married.

So while it is fine for him to do things with his daughter or even on his own without you, but it isn't fine for him to take over your joint living space,without saying so first e.g. "Daughter and I are going to watch a film", "I'm going to watch James Bond".

You should also point out to him he is modelling to his daughter, who will leave home in a few years, that it is fine to take over joint living space and not to consider the other occupants who live there. Doing this sort of thing causes loads of conflict in shared houses/flats especially among women.

However he doesn't need to check on you once he has said he is doing something without you.

You don’t think it’s rude to just walk upstairs and not say why you’re going there and just sit there on your own and not come down. You think thr rudeness is not to chase her and check on her?

You are in the minority there.

@Bluntness100 why would going upstairs be rude, if not noticing someone has gone upstairs isn't rude?

His daughter has been in his life longer than you and she isn’t going anywhere so you do need to manage this.
I’m assuming this wasn’t a 3 month whirlwind romance and you have been together a while so how did you end up married without getting to know his daughter and developing a relationship with her sorted out.?
I’m guessing she doesn’t live with him (and you) so they both want to prioritise their time together. It doesn’t seem like they are actively pushing you out but he’s not making a huge effort to include you - why should he?? It may be he assumes you will be as comfortable in your home as he is or he could think you’re an adult and she’s a child so you need to step up.
To be honest you aren’t going to get a relationship with her if you go off to your room so you need to make an effort to include yourself, and bring it up with him when she’s not around.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Bluntness100 why would going upstairs be rude, if not noticing someone has gone upstairs isn't rude?[/quote]
She didn’t say they didn’t notice. She said they didn’t come check she was ok. I’m absolutely sure they noticed.

@Bluntness100 Yes, but I can't see why you would consider it rude for her to go upstairs, especially since the tone of the thread has been that going off upstairs is not a big deal in the slightest.

I think the tone is you don’t need to be checked on if you go upstairs because it’s not a big deal,

So to explain, As other posters have tried to explain, generally you’ll say, I’m going up stairs for x reason, so no one needs to follow and check if they are ok, so it’s odd to want to be checked on in that scenario,,

However to be with your family and just walk up stairs without saying anything then sit in your bedroom alone, most folks would consider that slightly odd behaviour. So can’t blame the partner for not coming running after her to check she’s ok and just not making a big deal of it and watching a movie with his daughter instead.

[quote combatbarbie]@Bluntness100 what's you're problem, you quoted me, I replied with a perfectly valid response.

I find it odd that if your partner "disappeared" out of the main living areas you wouldn't check on them. Clearly that isn't the case if that person frequently uses another room to read or do a hobby. Newsflash.... Not everyone is the same or holds the same opinions. [/quote]
Eh, why on earth does another adult need checking up on? It's a bit needy