Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

It’s all a bit ridiculous this talk of putting your child first because life isn’t really black and white. The OP might think she is putting her child first by sending them to private school at 4 but if the upshot of that was that her DSS massively screwed up his education then blamed the OP and her DH for it that could have a far worse impact on the OP’s child then a couple of years in state school. If I was the DSS in that scenario I’d likely go NC with the family, so the OP’s child would lose a brother. If I was the DH in that scenario I could well imagine resenting my wife if she put pressure on me to make a decision which affected my son so badly. And yes the OP could leave her DH to make sure her daughter got a private education (if that would even work) but divorced parents is hardly ideal is it? I think some people need to get a bit of perspective. In all families whether there are step relationships or not you need to balance what’s right for those whose needs are greatest at the particular time. One of the parents choosing to disregard that because they aren’t related to one of the children by blood is pretty awful IMO.

Genie, you've already agreed with my point. Stop now, you're embarrassing yourself.

If your DH and his ex want their son to continue in independent school it's up to them to pay for it, not you

By the same token, it's up to the OP and her DH to pay for their child's private education. And to do so whilst being fair to the DSS. So what contribution is the OP making? And how is her suggestion fair to the DSS?

@OwMyNeck

For someone who has 0 experience of doing this, its strange that you think you know better

I do know better, because you still aren't listening. You. Cannot. Always. Put. Your. Child. First.

Of course you can. Most people do.

Daft to think otherwise, frankly.

i really havent agreed with you @OwMyNeck because you literally have 0 experience and therefore no idea what you are talking about.

Oh right I thought you were calling me a bad person for making that decision.

Anyway, I do see your points. I do think it’s more complicated to put your own children first in a blended family situation, but it’s not impossible and again it totally depends on the situation.

TrustTheGeneGenie, I get you even if others don't. In the OP's shoes I wouldn't be paying towards the education of a child who was not mine at the expense of my own child. No way. Not gonna happen!
If that meant that the only way I could manage to keep/put my child in independent school was to become a lone parent, so be it. Imho education is the most important reason for putting my child first.

@MartiniDry so you’d rather your child grew up with divorced parents than went to state school? Really??

What's so frustrating is that you would never need to have this argument re your own daughter as your husband would automatically understand that private education just isn't feasible any more.

I think if you're going to pay private school fees, it needs to be affordable outside of general living expenses. I would never think it was acceptable to have to downsize my family's home and make our entire lifestyle suffer purely to afford school fees for one child.

You sound like a real piece of work OP!

It’s not your DH’s ex’s fault your income has changed or that you had multiple? children after he’d already made a legal commitment to his oldest DC’s education. Whether or not she works is not the issue here.

You’re actually saying it’s not fair your 4/5 year can’t go to private school too and if they can’t your SS should be removed from private school in Yr12? Unbelievable! Surely you knew there would be a sacrifice involved when choosing to get involved with a man who already had children?

You need to suck it up and see through your DH’s commitment to the end, end of.

@Tier500

It’s all a bit ridiculous this talk of putting your child first because life isn’t really black and white. The OP might think she is putting her child first by sending them to private school at 4 but if the upshot of that was that her DSS massively screwed up his education then blamed the OP and her DH for it that could have a far worse impact on the OP’s child then a couple of years in state school. If I was the DSS in that scenario I’d likely go NC with the family, so the OP’s child would lose a brother. If I was the DH in that scenario I could well imagine resenting my wife if she put pressure on me to make a decision which affected my son so badly. And yes the OP could leave her DH to make sure her daughter got a private education (if that would even work) but divorced parents is hardly ideal is it? I think some people need to get a bit of perspective. In all families whether there are step relationships or not you need to balance what’s right for those whose needs are greatest at the particular time. One of the parents choosing to disregard that because they aren’t related to one of the children by blood is pretty awful IMO.

Even in a situation where it's not just a case of changing the younger child's school (which I think would be fine at that age), but also having to move house and area in order to continue to pay these fees?

To me that is way too much of a compromise. It disadvantages everybody else except one member of the family.

@Bibidy the OP says in her first post that they can afford to send one of them to private school - she wants it to be her 4 year old. The other sacrifices she talks of making are in order to send both of them.

Take your daughter out of private school. The vast majority of kids are at state school and have a good education. You cannot afford it. Let dss finish at his current school.

I am so sorry about your financial difficulties.

Watchingfrombehindmyhands

By the same token, it's up to the OP and her DH to pay for their child's private education. And to do so whilst being fair to the DSS. So what contribution is the OP making? And how is her suggestion fair to the DSS?

Agreed, it's up to OP and her DH to fund their DDs education. I don't know what contribution usernc is making which is why I asked if she is paying part of her DSSs fees, but I'm not sure that being "fair" is reasonable or possible here. Both DC have 2 parents. It is unfortunate for the step son that his DF can now only afford to pay X percent of his school fees. If, unlike the OP, his DM can't pay the balance because she has no income, well, that's life I'm afraid.

Tier500, yes.
And, with respect, if your children had suffered what mine have, you might not be so quick to question me in what appears to be an incredulous tone.🙂

@CoronaIsShit

You sound like a real piece of work OP!

It’s not your DH’s ex’s fault your income has changed or that you had multiple? children after he’d already made a legal commitment to his oldest DC’s education. Whether or not she works is not the issue here.

You’re actually saying it’s not fair your 4/5 year can’t go to private school too and if they can’t your SS should be removed from private school in Yr12? Unbelievable! Surely you knew there would be a sacrifice involved when choosing to get involved with a man who already had children?

You need to suck it up and see through your DH’s commitment to the end, end of.

This is really unfair and harsh on OP.

I do think a 4 year old's pre-prep can't be compared to a year 12's final year BUT it doesn't sound like that is the real issue here.

It seems like the school fees as a whole are unaffordable now - perhaps OP's household finances have changed somehow?

As much as it's in the original court order that OP's DH must pay, that surely is based on his income being the same as when the agreement was made? He can't be expected to pay if he genuinely can no longer afford it.

[quote Tier500]@Bibidy the OP says in her first post that they can afford to send one of them to private school - she wants it to be her 4 year old. The other sacrifices she talks of making are in order to send both of them.[/quote]
Ah ok

Because no, it's not massively detrimental to her child right now - but if it carries on it will be. And thats what i am saying, when you NEED to put your child first, you should do that. Nobody signs that right away and to suggest they do is idiotic.

In what way will it carry on? The DSS will have left school in 18 months. If you mean you wouldn't give them any money when there are University so that your own child could have an extra year at a private primary school I don't think you are much better than OP.

In what way will it carry on? The DSS will have left school in 18 months. If you mean you wouldn't give them any money when there are University so that your own child could have an extra year at a private primary school I don't think you are much better than OP.

What about her childhood? The private school aside, her life shouldn’t be put on hold for the next 4/5 years if her father is strapped for cash because he’s paying too much towards the uni costs.

@Bibidy I think you misunderstand. Yes they have had a change in financial circumstances, but that was before they chose to put the 4 year old in prep school. So they could never afford it in the first place.

She says they can only afford to put one child in private school, and she think it’s should be her 4 year old. If they take out the 4 year old, then she thinks the 17 year old should be taken out too, because it’s only fair.

So sounds like they can afford private school for the 17 year old, OP is just bitter her daughter is not going to private school too.

@funinthesun19 How is a child under the age of 10 having their life put on hold by not going to a private school? If they can no longer afford a private education for the second child, then that’s the situation they’re in and they have to adapt. It’s very common actually where parents have one child in private edification and not the other, either because they can’t afford a second one, or circumstances improve when the second one comes along.

@funinthesun19

In what way will it carry on? The DSS will have left school in 18 months. If you mean you wouldn't give them any money when there are University so that your own child could have an extra year at a private primary school I don't think you are much better than OP.

What about her childhood? The private school aside, her life shouldn’t be put on hold for the next 4/5 years if her father is strapped for cash because he’s paying too much towards the uni costs.

Assuming the costs are split with the ex-wife it will be about 2.5 thousand a year. Considering that their income is high enough to pay for one child to go to private school (10,000 a year?) It doesn't sound like their life would be on hold. It would just mean an extra year of not going to private school which won't make any difference to their DD if she is infant school age.

@MartiniDry if you’ve got some unusual circumstances that mean your kids would be better off in a broken home than their local state school then I’m sure you can at least appreciate that those circumstances are unusual, and so it’s a bit odd to apply the same logic here.

@Belladonna12

Because no, it's not massively detrimental to her child right now - but if it carries on it will be. And thats what i am saying, when you NEED to put your child first, you should do that. Nobody signs that right away and to suggest they do is idiotic.

In what way will it carry on? The DSS will have left school in 18 months. If you mean you wouldn't give them any money when there are University so that your own child could have an extra year at a private primary school I don't think you are much better than OP.

Uni? upkeep of his "lifestyle" which some posters always expect.

I havent said i wouldnt give them "any money" but i wouldnt be paying him through uni at the detriment of my own child. He is an adult at that point, the child is, well a child.

You wouldnt expect his ex to have consideration for my child, so why do you expect me to have consideration for his?

@TrustTheGeneGenie I'm really shocked that you wrote this. Your husbands ex isn't your daughters step-mum, your dd presumably doesn't live with her some of the time, whereas your husbands child is your stepchild. I'm genuinely shocked that, as a step mother, you can't see the difference.