Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Ah yes, should have used her magic step mum crystal ball we are all sent when we started dating men with kids. She'd have known they'd have financial issues years down the line.

I am sick and fucking tired of all this "she shouldn't have done this she shouldn't have done that" as if she knew this was coming.

It continues to amaze me how small minded and judgemental people are. Imagine you have the rug pulled out from underneath you, you're worried for your future and that of your child and the only "advice" and I use that word loosely is to get in your fucking tardis and choose a different husband.

@TrustTheGeneGenie if you're responding to my post, I'm a stepmum myself. OP knew her financial situation wasn't the best when she put her DC into private school. They could have saved a few thousand by putting her into a state nursery. She didn't have the rug just pulled out from under her for goodness sake, it sounds like they've been struggling for ages so easily could have changed the situation before her DSC started their A Levels. I stand by the fact I think it's horrendously selfish to even be considering this. Her youngest won't suffer by not being in private school at a younger age, her DSC on the other hand will, massively! I can't believe people think she's even remotely being fair!

@TrustTheGeneGenie Have you missed the part where she put her daughter in private school this school year, even though she couldn’t afford it? Yes the rug was pulled from under her, but it didn’t happen this year and she knew her situation before making it worse.

And then realising she can’t afford it, she thinks it’s only fair for her step son to drop out so her daughter can carry on. Because education as a 4 year old is so so much more important than for a 17 year old.

Have you read this properly?

[quote MsHedgehog]@TrustTheGeneGenie Have you missed the part where she put her daughter in private school this school year, even though she couldn’t afford it? Yes the rug was pulled from under her, but it didn’t happen this year and she knew her situation before making it worse.

And then realising she can’t afford it, she thinks it’s only fair for her step son to drop out so her daughter can carry on. Because education as a 4 year old is so so much more important than for a 17 year old.

Have you read this properly?[/quote]
No I didn't miss it. I was simply responding to posters who assume she should have known this would happen.

@TrustTheGeneGenie So does she not have any responsibility for her actions? There is no need to put a 4 year old in prep school, and judging by her comments about not wanting to move and save money because it would mean moving to a not so nice area, OP doesn’t seem to appreciate that her circumstances have changed and there seems to be an element of keeping up appearances. OP’s decision to put a 4 year old in a private school seems to be based on the old age childish approach of “he has it, we want it too”.

Yes it’s shit, you get used to a certain standard of living and life throws you hurdles, but you have to adapt. You don’t make it worse by sending a 4 year old to a school you can’t afford, and then complain that the 17 old goes to a private school. There’s no reason why she can’t wait a couple of years and then problem solved.

This is not about prioritising one child over another - their needs are very very different and OP fails to realise that. No one is saying play second fiddle to the first child, but appreciate that they have very different educational needs at their respective ages.

She doesn't have any responsibility towards her step child or his education. As for her "actions" she can't take any can she really. I'm not saying she's right, I've said what I would personally do, I'm just saying I understand her pov. It is hard to see your own child miss out. I'm sure it's probably very hard to adapt to a massive change in circumstances, and tbh I'm sure this really bitchy horrible thread hasn't helped her at all.

I think it's a bit daft to consider that a child is missing out if they go to a state school for reception and year 1. Lots of children missing out then aren't there.

No, she doesn’t have any responsibility, but her husband does, and that was part of the package when she married him.

I think what she doesn’t appreciate is her child is not missing out. A 4-5 year old won’t face a disadvantage by being in state school, and when she is older and it starts to make a difference, then the 17 year old will have finished school and they can afford to put the younger one in a private school. It would be very very different if they were both similar ages.

Tbh she probably didn’t help herself. She wants to maintain a certain standard of living in terms of where she is living and the school her daughter goes to, and think it’s ok to do that at the expense of a 17 year old’s education, where taking him out would be highly disruptive and potentially counteract any positives the private education has for me. She doesn’t have any responsibilities for her stepson, but she should at least have some understanding.

No idea where “has for me” came from!

I meant “had for him”!

I still get the impression that there are younger children than the DSS and the DD, and if so, wonder what the hope/plan is for their education?

The OP did not need a crystal ball to tell her that no matter what turn her family finances took , the Court Order would remain place for x # of years. No psychic needed for that particular bit of information.

The son is entitled in large measure because the Court awarded him that benefit. The daughter has parents who at this particular time cannot afford to give her that benefit and there is no Court available to award that benefit to her.

In the next year, when her brother has completed his schooling at his current level, the parents may be better positioned to then place her in private school.
It seems as though the dad wants a good education for his children. He will likely do his best to make that happen. Parents often make sacrifices and do without to ensure that their children can get the best affordable education.

Not every one thinks that they are making depressing sacrifices when they do without to help educate their children. Those are sacrifices that some of us are pleased to be in a position to make for our children.

Many parents would be pleased to be in a position to have something to give up if it meant providing more for their children.
I hope that the day never comes that I regret doing for our minor children and feel as though doing without a particular level of luxury was a draining sacrifice.

Changes in family resources can and do necessitate changes in plans but this particular situation seems to have an easy fix that will allow the son to complete his private school education and the daughter in another year to continue her private school education.

It is also possible that either the OP or her husband might look for a second job or source of income if maintaining private education is viewed as a necessity for the daughter.

I find this thread so sad. No maybe there is no responsibility towards step children but it feels so cold to just make out you don't care as they don't have the same blood as you. They might not, but they share the same as your partner and your children, does that not count for anything? Hopefully this boy will be in your life for a long time to come, could you look him in the face knowing that your actions buggered up his A Levels? What would you tell him? 17 year olds aren't stupid .

Maybe I'm just lucky but my DH wouldn't dream of behaving in this way towards my DS1 who is his stepson. Both of my boys (youngest is biologically DH's) are treated as equals - not that they always get the same because that's not how it works, but whoever needs something gets it.

All these people saying it’s fine to put your child first etc etc. Yes I can see that the OP might want to put her child first, but isn’t she a SAHM? Her DH, who is earning the money, is father to both children and has not only a moral but also a legal obligation to pay for private school for his first child. The OP may want to override that in favour of her child but legally she can’t.

And when you look at the moral question, it’s not as straightforward as preferring your child over another when it’s a matter of potentially massively screwing over someone’s life versus doing something that has little to no impact on your own child. The OP should also think about how potentially losing her older brother due to the fallout of all this would impact her own child, not to mention how it might affect her relationship with her husband.

If OP wants to treat the DC the same, will she be undertaking to pull the younger from school midway through A levels? A highly,damaging point for disruption?

Somehiw I doubt it.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and if the money had run out the court order should have been varied couple of years ago, so that if no variance were possible, a planned move to a different sixth form could have been made.

Without a timely variance, or agreed plan for a change for the whole of the sixth form, the younger DC should have gone 'state until 8'

Op writes that if children are going to suffer, it should be all of them. However, by pulling both children out of private school, only the eldest one suffers. The younger one will soon adapt to a state school.

You say you can afford to send one

That HAS to be dss - its court ordered and at his age far more disruptive to him. Your daughter shouldn't have started and its wholly unnecessary at her age.

Its ridiculous that a few posters have suggested its somehow the mums responsibility to seek employment/loans to fill the gap when a father breaches a court order and removes support from one child to then give it to another. That's not her responsibility to enable his choice.

I do wish people wouldn't write as though the court order can be enforced. If there is no money it can't be.

Given what OP has said if her DH went back to court the order would be rescinded, given the change in circumstances. I've seen that happen several times.

@DecemberSun not if they are paying for the younger child it wouldn’t. OP said in her first post that they could only afford for one of them to go. No way a court would vary an order in those circumstances.

Have you read how much their circumstances have changed? Lost home etc. Of course a variance would be given.

Yeah, several years ago. They didn’t apply to change it then and since then have managed to fund the younger child’s private school place. It’s unclear but from the OP’s later posts she’s saying the further sacrifices would be needed to send them both, ie because she’s not taking the younger one out.

It is very simple. The court when it comes before them (before the older one is pulled from school as you cannot just stop paying when a court order is in place) will see that currently they pay 2 sets of fees and that they could afford one and will priority to the boy in the middle of his crucial A level years. If the family had no incomes at all then it would be different - the court might consider a change if a remortgage or equity release were impossible.

@DecemberSun if this went back in front of a judge, a judge would want to see full financial disclosure, concrete proof that circumstances have indeed changed. Especially if the EXW contests and states that the youngest child has in fact been placed in private education.

A judge would look at that situation rather askance and order full disclosure. All assets, how far back they’d order it depends on the case presented to them. The OP could also have an application put in for her to disclose which a judge could then also order, or refuse. However it would likely go against the OP’s DH’s case if the OP refused to disclose.

The first question a judge would ask is when did the circumstances change? Why was an application to vary not put in at that time? And how is it that the OP’s DH has the means to send another child private (not even close to a basic necessity in the courts eyes) but not adhere to the court order for the eldest.

We can all argue amongst ourselves re the morals on this and I can see both sides tbh. Frankly if the EXW cares this much about private education she should be paying for a portion of it.

This is a legal matter given there is a court order in play. And courts will dig and dig to absolutely make sure that there really are no means left to honour the CO remaining.

Your child starting at a state primary will not affect them in any way. But this will massively affect your step son. Whose to say that the local state will even offer the same courses with the same exam boards he has been studying for a year? How selfish to even consider this. I really hope your husband puts his foot down!

Also bear in mind that even in financial matters, the judge is balancing welfare of child. That’s why these are heard in family court.
I would happily bet that if a judge saw this, on balance the call would be made that the court order needs to be adhered to as the balance will tip to the older child given the age/ stage of exams.

I've read your posts OP and my one question is: has your DH spoken to his ex-wife to explain the situation and discuss options? She may be none the wiser towards your situation or what's going on. There might be a very simple solution which doesn't involve such upheaval for you all.