Telling my step daughter im not her "real" mum..

[Girlmum2]

Hi I'm looking for a little bit of advice...

We didn't want to do this for another 3/4 years however due to current circumstances within our lives it looks like we need to tell our 5 and a half year old that I'm not her biological mother... I feel like she's too young to understand but I would rather she hears it from me and not someone else.

Has anyone told their step kids at this age or round about? How did you do it? How did they react to the news?

The little one thinks I'm her mum (obviously) she can't remember ever seeing or knowing her real mother due to her not actually bothering with the kid or staying consistent in her life.

Please help a very stressed out mummy out 🙏

I would make it a positive thing.
Perhaps talk about how you aren’t the mummy that grew her but you’re the mummy who chose her because she was so special.

Be prepared to answer a lot of questions about her biological mum though and try not to let her curiosity upset you. She’ll be fascinated with the idea of having another mummy out there someone. You’re going to have handle it very sensitively yet honestly.

My DD’s dad left me when I was pregnant for another woman and has had nothing to do with either of us since.

I’m very honest with my daughter about it.
She asked me once why he didn’t want her.

My response was “It’s not that he didn’t want you, he wasn’t grown up enough for the responsibility of raising a child. Everyone that meets you thinks you’re amazing and loves you, he’s just never gave himself the chance to fall in love with you”.

I also manage her expectations when she asks if she decides to find him when he’s older would he want a relationship with her.
I’m honest and say I don’t know, not everybody behaves how they should and he has a different life now... one where he might not have a space for her.

She’s ok with it because we talk openly about it whenever she wants to. There doesn’t appear to be any hurt there for my DD because I think I’ve handled it appropriately.

I also say “Sweetheart, he can’t miss what he doesn’t know”.

It’s hard because you don’t want your child to feel rejected by the absent parent. I try to emphasise how loved she is by everyone in her life, it’s not about her... it was about him and his issues.

And basically I have a very balanced, happy, emotionally and academically intelligent daughter.

I also let her know how lucky I feel I am to have her.

I think you’re doing the right thing by telling her whilst she’s young. Younger kids are so accepting of what they are told and if you do it carefully there doesn’t need to be any long lasting damage to her self esteem.

Good luck

I don't want to be cruel to you at this difficult time but this needed to be dealt with as you went along...not when she was old enough to know the difference!

You're going to need to be very careful. I would start talking about how some Mummies carry babies in their tummies and other Mummies don't...

Let that sink in.

She'll ask questions.

She will probably ask "Was I in your tummy?" and that's when you say "No...but I got to choose you as my baby."

Let her lead...she'll ask the questions as the days go on.

This is a tough one, and I agree she should have always known, here shouldn’t be a big reveal.

Have you adopted her? She will probably need a lot of assurance that you will always be there. Not guaranteed for step parents.

If you haven’t adopted her, are any of her mums biological family still int he picture? Have you told her about grandparentS, aunts, cousins etc?

Ok it depends on the circumstances. Is biological mum - alive etc or likely to turn up or her family?

I’d just build it in to no big deal - with mine the fact her biological dad wasn’t involved and wasn’t likely to be EVER became an elephant and I grabbed the bull by the horns gently one day on a walk - it was something along the lines of -do you know where babies come from? I think she was VERY articulate 4-5 year old and she said ‘you - my mum’ and I said well people need a biological mum and father to have a baby but then some people live with just mum, some with their mum and dad, some with their grandparents,some with two mums, or some live with what we all adopted parents ie chosen. Like our dog has a biological mum and dad but he never lived with his dad - just his mum and brothers and sisters and now he lives with us but we are his family now etc it was accepted with no real questions and then a few weeks later we were on the farm and one of the lambs his mum rejected him and other ewe adopted him and she said ‘kind of like what some people do’ etc and I am very glad I used the terms biological mother and father - as I think that helped. If I was doing it again I would do similar - use the terms biological mother and father. I also talked about love and how we loved our dog but we had not given birth to him. David Attenborough programme are also your friend here ☺️But it’s not a big deal and don’t make it one

Maybe have a talk about different types of families and explain how your family fit into that. You chose to be her Mummy and it's the best decision you ever made. She is just about young enough that it hopefully won't be a huge shock and the knowledge can grow with her.

This is the way I explained to my children about my dad-their grandad actually being my step dad.

I agree with telling her now while she's younger, rather than waiting. The younger she is the easier it'll be for her. I've never been in this situation, but there's so great advice from PPs.

@SpongebobNoPants

I would make it a positive thing. Perhaps talk about how you aren’t the mummy that grew her but you’re the mummy who chose her because she was so special.

Be prepared to answer a lot of questions about her biological mum though and try not to let her curiosity upset you. She’ll be fascinated with the idea of having another mummy out there someone. You’re going to have handle it very sensitively yet honestly.

My DD’s dad left me when I was pregnant for another woman and has had nothing to do with either of us since.

I’m very honest with my daughter about it.
She asked me once why he didn’t want her.

My response was “It’s not that he didn’t want you, he wasn’t grown up enough for the responsibility of raising a child. Everyone that meets you thinks you’re amazing and loves you, he’s just never gave himself the chance to fall in love with you”.

I also manage her expectations when she asks if she decides to find him when he’s older would he want a relationship with her.
I’m honest and say I don’t know, not everybody behaves how they should and he has a different life now... one where he might not have a space for her.

She’s ok with it because we talk openly about it whenever she wants to. There doesn’t appear to be any hurt there for my DD because I think I’ve handled it appropriately.

I also say “Sweetheart, he can’t miss what he doesn’t know”.

It’s hard because you don’t want your child to feel rejected by the absent parent. I try to emphasise how loved she is by everyone in her life, it’s not about her... it was about him and his issues.

And basically I have a very balanced, happy, emotionally and academically intelligent daughter.

I also let her know how lucky I feel I am to have her.

I think you’re doing the right thing by telling her whilst she’s young. Younger kids are so accepting of what they are told and if you do it carefully there doesn’t need to be any long lasting damage to her self esteem.

Good luck

^ This is some of the best advice I've seen on this forum.

Children are usually very accepting as long as you're honest with them. Telling her now, while she's young, make sense as she won't have any 'bias' (that comes when they are older). It really is all about how you frame it. It's not that you aren't her ''real'' mum - you are her ''real'' Mum you're just not her biological Mum. I'd follow the above advice and just keep being her Mum. Keep it very simple and let her ask the questions she has.

You say there are reasons you need to share this now. Is her Mum back on the scene all of a sudden or likely to be?

I'd start a conversation about how babies are born, perhaps with an age appropriate book, and then just say. "You are my little girl, but another lady grew you in her tummy". Then just answer any questions in a straight forward way, being careful not to criticize her natural mother. And I don't know if you know this poem, we used it in the life books we made for the babies we fostered, when they went to adoptive parents.

Not flesh of my flesh,
Not bone of my bone,
But still, miraculously my own.
never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
but in it.

I'm not having a go, just asking a genuine question... Why does she call you mum? Why hasn't she been taught to call you a different name from day dot? I'm asking as a family member of mine took custody of the baby of a vulnerable relative and repeatedly taught her to call her 'mum'. Up until this day, she calls her mum and knows no difference and it's going to unravel all sorts of truths and problems once the truth comes out.

^and I'm asking just to kind of get my head around why she made the little girl call her mum in the first place. I genuine can't understand it (it's a long complicated story).

I've known forever that my dad wasn't my biological dad. He adopted me when I was two. The earlier the better.

I’d start by subtly dropping into everyday conversation. My son found about his Dad when we were chatting about memories relating to his birth. He asked his step Dad a question about the birth and then we explained that he wasn’t there when he was born and why.
I actually thought my son knew that his step Dad wasn’t his biological Dad because he calls him by his first name although he can’t ever a remember a time he wasn’t there. I also thought he knew who his Dad was as he used to visit him and I always referred to him as Daddy. One day he asked me why Daddy was called Daddy. His little mind was blown when I responded all confused because he is your Dad!

I think the younger the better in the same way adopted children are told at a young age. It might be worth looking into some books that involve step mums to help with her feeling that she’s not the only one and then I’d talk to her about how she and your family are special because she has two mums, a tummy mum and you. Be prepared with why tummy mum couldn’t look after her and that you chose to be her mum. She probably won’t question it all as much as you imagine and it’ll be much easier than when she’d older.

I guess it's going to depend on the circumstances that are forcing your hand right now.

But I agree she should have known from the beginning, so it just was. Better, far better, now than in another few years.

It's difficult without knowing the situation but I agree with others that it's not about real or not real mum. She won't understand that.

She has two mummy's, you, and another mummy. Does she know about her bio mum in terms of existence? I assume you need to explain who her bio mum is, remind her if she's met her before, and then leave it open for her to understand and ask questions.

It's a positive conversation not a negative one and you need to have that frame of mind going into it - your post here pitches it as a negative conversation.

Get a storybook. There are some great ones about little animals who find a new mother.

A mother for Choco
Ive Loved You Since Forever
I wished For You

Etc etc.

I'd tell it to her as a story about how she came into your lives. The story should be honest and positive, focusing on how you've ended up together, often repeated (e.g. part of bedtime routine) and added to as she gets older and asks more questions. Put in funny family bits. You could start with photos of her as a baby and tell her about how you first met her. Depending on your situation something like e.g.:

Once upon a time there was a handsome young man called (Dad's name) and a lady called (birth mums name) and they made a beautiful, squiggly, giggly, skwarky, talky little baby girl. That little baby girl was SO happy and lovely that she made everyone smile when they saw her (or something...). And that baby was ... (dd's name)! From the day she was born (Dad's name) and (birth mum's name} decided that Dad's name would look after dd all by himself. He fed her milk, he changed her nappies, he even (something funny he did) etc etc but he was a bit sad because he was looking after such a beautiful little girl all by himself. Then one day (Dad's name) met a lady called (your name) - Do you know who that was? That was Me! On a very special day I came to meet his beautiful squiggly wriggly, skwarky - talky happy chatty little baby. I'll never forget the day I first saw you and you cried/ laughed/ threw up (funny story) and I knew from that moment that I wanted to be your mummy. Some time later daddy asked mummy to marry/ live with him and dd and be your mummy for ever and ever and ever. I was the happiest mum in the whole wide world because I knew I was going to be mummy to the best squiggly wriggly bla bla little girl in the whole world!

The initial story introduces the idea of birth mum but no further details. Ideally you would have started the story telling at a younger age but at 5 your dd will probably be old enough to get to the point and ask what happened to her birth mum but still young enough to take things as they are and not feel lied to or betrayed. I'd answer her questions honestly but non judgmentally. (Birth mum didn't think she could look after you. They decided daddy would do it better. I don't know why - or whatever).

Do it very very soon. You've left it a bit late already. Good luck

At her age I’d maybe have the conversation as a matter of fact part of the introductory “facts of life” discussion? That way it’s not a huge “I’m not your mummy” revelation but a “men and women grow babies together but sometimes families have different shapes, like ours”.

I think ‘I got to chose you’ is a lovey way to phrase it. Xx

No real advice but I just wanted to come on to say you're a lovely and amazing person for taking on this little girl like she was your own ❤️. Step mum's get such a bashing on MN and can't ever win.. But you're truly a lovely person xx

There’s some fabulous advice on this thread that is really helping me as I have a young son who’s dad is absent. I also just bought the great big book of families for him as I think books can be a great way to start conversations and introduce the idea that not all families are the same.

To be honest it's something she should have always been aware of. It's not ideal to plant that on a child of 5+ small children can and do understand the difference.

You need to start the discussions ASAP and go at her level. Explain the different roles of a mummy etc.

You weren't planning on telling her till
she was 9?!!!! WTF that's AWFUL.

I hope the OP comes back. I think we need more information.... a lot of the responses seem to be assuming that the OP is emotionally committed to her SD as if she has adopted her....

That doesn't necessarily come across to me..... and we don't know the circumstances of how early SD started living with her or why some 'reveal' is now happening. (Eg is OP breaking up from father and needs to explain why SD is going with dad? Are there other children involved?).

OP tell us more and hopefully we can offer more tailored advice. I would not follow most of the advice in this thread unless you are truly committed to being this girl's mother for your lifetimes.

@BraveGoldie

I hope the OP comes back. I think we need more information.... a lot of the responses seem to be assuming that the OP is emotionally committed to her SD as if she has adopted her....

That doesn't necessarily come across to me..... and we don't know the circumstances of how early SD started living with her or why some 'reveal' is now happening. (Eg is OP breaking up from father and needs to explain why SD is going with dad? Are there other children involved?).

OP tell us more and hopefully we can offer more tailored advice. I would not follow most of the advice in this thread unless you are truly committed to being this girl's mother for your lifetimes.

If the child is calling OP Mum she bloody better be committed to being in her damn life