@Tiredoftattler
Someone saying " you knew what you were getting bingo" is just that person expressing their own particular opinion. " On an open forum , you have to assume that their are going to be different opinions and different points of view.
I am always mystified by strangers who respond " you deserve better. " We know virtually nothing about anyone who posts other than the few details that they choose to provide, and we absolutely nothing about their character enough to say what they do or dot deserve. The " you deserve better " statements are viewed as supportive and yet they are in no way an accurate assessment of a situation.
There is no universal step parenting point of view. Some step parents are very satisfied in their relationships ; others experience varying degrees of satisfaction. All may have issues or situations for which they seek occasional input. The same statements can be said about parents in intact first families.
It is not very wise to go seeking input from strangers and then to become dissatisfied with the input that they provide particularly when you are neither paying for the input nor compelled to accept or follow the input or advice.
You can just disregard that input that you find lacking and benefit from that which you find helpful.
We are all free to state our issues in the manner of our choosing ; so too should those providing input be free to state their beliefs and points of view. Absent any vile or offensive language , Why should any point of view be restricted simply because it is not the point of view with which the OP happens to agree?
Everyone who enters into a relationship with existing children, knows or should know that it is not the same as a relationship where there are no children involved. You may not know in advance how those differences will manifest or how you will feel about those differences when they do manifest, but you do know that you are entering a relationship that has the potential for varied complications.
Why is it so difficult to accept what you view as helpful and to ignore the rest? You have not lost any money or invested any real time in this free and open advice or input forum.
@Tiredoftattler because the people saying "you know what you were getting into" are being thoroughly unhelpful and are surrounded by other people being nasty and aggressive.
And even your example is nonsense. When someone on the patenting board asks for advice about being at her wits' end after nights of sleeplessness with a newborn, we don't all pile in saying: "you chose to have a child, what did you expect?".
If someone discusses behavioural issues or food issues or childcare issue or partner issues with a biological children no one says: "what did you think would happen when you gave birth?"
So why is it when any stepmother asks for ANY help with any parenting someone is along to say: 'you married a man with children, what did you expect?'. And how is that remotely helpful to solving the issue?
Other awful comments / questions:
- Were you the OW? - unless the help asked for specifically pertains to either the relationship with SCs mum or behavioural issues if SCs are aware - it's irrelevant.
- of course your husband has to put his children first. - steady on, do you always give your kids what they want, when they want, regardless of whether it's good for them or you? No. So why are you giving that advice to stepmothers?
- you're not married so you're not a step-parent. Often the woman has been with the partner and in the kids' life for YEARS. Belittling and irrelevant and absolute nonsense.
- it's none of your business stay out of it (when you are involved) or you need to love the SCs as if they are your own and do everything for them (if there is some distance). - Well which is it? Often the same posters veering from one of these criticisms to the other depending on the circs so that a stepmother is ALWAYS wrong no matter what.
(In reality of course it is a balance and what OP's often need is advice about how to find that balance rather than being told to either butt out entirely or dedicate their lives to SC's)
Honestly, reading responses on SM threads you'd think that most MN posters want stepchildren to be as miserable as possible at Stepmum's and vice versa. (There are some obvious reasons why this might be true).
The evil stepmother bashing is disheartening and actively prevents people from seeking help to successfully look after their step kids and build happier lives all round.
Am FIRMLY convinced that if all stepmums just posted as if they were the mother in situations they would get actually helpful constructive advice instead of nonstop aggression, condescension and personal attacks.
Indeed if you look at similar situations posted in step parenting and parenting boards you can see this is the case.