Step Mum being called "Mum" by dad and step child

[Jessiecowgirl]

What are peoples views on this. Bio mum discovers her 8 year old son has started calling his step mum "Mum" after 8 years of her being called by her 1st name. Bio Dad noticed son was accidentally calling step mum "Mum" and asked him if he would prefer to call her mum from now on. Son said yes. This conversation was not shared with bio mum, she had to overhear it. Bio Mum then raised issue politley and made clear shes upset and not ok with this, while she respects step mum is a parent and involved, she doesn't want her to be named Mum. Bio dad says this is what the son chose after a chat about it. Should bio dad respect the mothers feelings or override her and continue to encourage son to call his wife Mum? Bio Dad believes bio Mum should not have a say what names son wants to call anyone not in her home. In turn he is ok with her calling her husband dad if thats what son ever wanted. Background to this, both bio parents are married to new partners and have other kids. All are amicable and equally involved in raising son. There has been no bad blood but this is a disagreement. How does it get resolved?

If you could re-read the above but replace step mum with step dad and swap over mum and dad, I would like honest response how would you resolve this

@GypsyLee

It's wrong and I'd tell the child they get one mum. You can be fond of other women in your life, and love them. But you only get one mum and dad. I wouldn't stand for it tbh.

Wow. Tough luck for the kids of same-sex partners, eh? What about adopted children?

@GypsyLee

It's wrong and I'd tell the child they get one mum. You can be fond of other women in your life, and love them. But you only get one mum and dad. I wouldn't stand for it tbh.

That's absolutely the worse thing you can do.

You just gently correct the child every time they do it and eventually they will revert to calling the step-parent, relation, nursery worker, childminder, nanny or whoever by their name.

I should point out I'm was a step-child as well as being a step-mother now. In my case I innocently called one of my step-mother's "mum" while in my case my SC, who is old enough to understand, does it as a joke.

The reverse thing is important here.

If a child lives at home with mum and step dad and sees dad and stepmom EOW (for example) then it would be bizarre to call step mum ‘mum’. But the child might feel closer to the step dad, especially if he’s raised them from infancy.

I would be child led in this instance.

Full disclosure, my eldest two started calling DH Dad when they were 5/6, we met when they were 3/4 and there is zero contact with xh and never has been, which I know is different.

I completely understand mum's hurt but also why the child wants to call step mum by the same name as the other children in the household and for me, how the child feels overrides what mum wants, as hard as that is.

I don't think there's anything to be gained and much to be lost by making a issue of it.

Not a good idea.

Steparents can come in and out of a child's life and if the relationship with the parent ends, they very often won't see the child again...this ultimately ends up hurting the child even more.

Calling someone mum or dad...then having them walk away when the relationship ends is every reason not to do it...nothing lasts forever. Marriages and relationships end so easily...no need to make the pain worse.

It's all well and good saying the child should decide...but kids need support and guidance for their own protection.

I’m so glad that if DH and I were to break up now, my DC are older and both I and they wouldn’t have to put up with shit like this.

It’s so disrespectful to his mum.

@SandyY2K

The name is a red herring though. I don't think the children would be any more or less upset depending on what they called them if the person who has clearly been in a parental role for them consistently since before they can remember left abruptly

I would hope and expect the parent would gently correct to real or nickname every time rather than encourage this and then present it as a done deal to the other parent.

Has the mum talked to her son about it to get a better understanding of his perspective?

Is care 50:50?

The one really unusual aspect of this scenario is that the SM has been present since the child was born/ a small baby. I can see how this makes a difference, esp if care has been 50:50 or close.

If you could re-read the above but replace step mum with step dad and swap over mum and dad, I would like honest response how would you resolve this

Why? Why not just write your post like this in the first place if that’s the truth? Bizarre.

Child ‘wants’ is the most important thing here, as long as they aren’t being coerced into saying things. If they want to say ‘Mum/dad, then let them.

It's a big no from me. I would be hurt and devastated if my children called another woman mum or mummy once they are old enough to know what the word means. It's a sacred title and should only be given to the woman who has given birth to you or raises you. I have know children call step parents "Mummy Kate" or "Daddy Wills" for example, which is a good compromise.

I would hate this if it was my child. I had a step mum and step dad they were just called by their name

I can't understand that an 8 year old would even bring this up, sounds to me like it was brought to him

Can't he call her something else that's got meaning her him like ren (short for parent) or stum (ugly word lol) but you get the jist

My son often calls my partner Daddy, I used to nicely correct him. Now I don’t bother as he continued calling him Daddy and when I actually thought about it I realised I need to go with what my son is most comfortable with. So now he calls him a few things ‘Dave’ ‘Daddy Dave’ ‘Daddy’.

He virtually always calls him ‘Dave’ when talking about him to other people.

*Steparents can come in and out of a child's life and if the relationship with the parent ends, they very often won't see the child again...this ultimately ends up hurting the child even more.

Calling someone mum or dad...then having them walk away when the relationship ends is every reason not to do it...nothing lasts forever. Marriages and relationships end so easily...no need to make the pain worse.*

In our case this is true of the mom. DSD and DSS now NC with mom (dsd for over 12 mnths and DS limited last year but totally NC since Nov).

DSD is so angry with mom that she refuses to refer to her as mom at all, I have tried and tried telling her that a name is just a name, her mom is and always will be her mom by nature and just because her actions are despicable doesn't make biology less true.

I think to much importance and power is given to a name, surely it is the love and support you give to a child that is important, not the relationship itself.

Steparents can come in and out of a child's life and if the relationship with the parent ends

So do parents, do you know that almost half of the non resident parents do not have regular contact or contact at all with his children 3 years after the split?

@KarmaNoMore

do you know that almost half of the non resident parents do not have regular contact or contact at all with his children 3 years after the split

If the child's dad (or mum) is no longer in their lives and has no contact, then calling a stepparent mum or dad may be okay...depending on the circumstances.

It's just a name isn't how I see it at all. That minimises it. It's way more than a name.

It's like the marriage is just a piece a piece of paper statement.

This came up in another forum I'm on...one poster said if a child decided to call another man dad...it meant his/her own dad wasn't good enough and she wouldn't discuss the decision with the dad...but would simply allow her child to call stepdad Dad.

Not a smart move...but that poster is something else.

*It's just a name isn't how I see it at all. That minimises it. It's way more than a name.

It's like the marriage is just a piece a piece of paper statement.*

@SandyY2K I do understand where you are coming from as I think that generally there is an accepted hierarchy in society but I also think that in reality some people use their title as a control mechanism.

I also think that society is made up of all sorts of family dynamics now, more so than ever. I don't think what is right for 1 situation is a suits all and should therefore dictate to all other familys.

In my case I was DSS SM when he was 9 months (well I met him at 9 mnths, was about 18mnths later I became official SM), he has always called me by my name and it never bothered me. DSD also called me by my name but now mainly refers to me as Grandma as it is clear she thinks more of me than being just my name - that makes me a little sad for her that she thinks a title may make a difference to the love support and guidance that I offer - IYSWIM.

I may not be expressing that very well.

I also don't think it is fair to use the marriage analogy - the marriage certificate is just a piece of paper but it is also a binding contract - one that can both parties typically enter freely and 1 that can be dissolved if it is unsatisfactory or if either party breaks the contract.

@AgainstTheCurrent

I do think context is everything.

DSD also called me by my name but now mainly refers to me as Grandma as it is clear she thinks more of me than being just my name - that makes me a little sad for her that she thinks a title may make a difference to the love support and guidance that I offer - IYSWIM.

I see what you mean...it's nice that she calls you Grandma. I think when a child is old enough to understand the dynamics associated...it's different.

Having seen threads where SMs say they wouldn't bother even seeing their SC again if the relationship with the dad ended...despite saying they like the kids...it's not the wisest thing...and can be damaging for the kids in the end.

It's not everything our kids want to do that we let them.. so saying if he is she wants it t should be fine....isn't necessarily wise.

Some parents use this (calling their partner mum/dad) to get at the other parent and that's not in the best interest of the child at all. I've seen it happen a bit...yet they would try and make out it's what the child wants.

It's a complex road to navigate.

@SandyY2K

I agree context is everything and it is difficult to know the inner dynamics on an anonymous forum on the internet.

I have also seen dads wanting new girlfriend to be called mom because they want them to feel involved. I moved on from a friendship because she kept letting new random boyfriends play daddy (in her case the dad was never on the scene) and her DS had a new daddy every couple of months.

I also absolutely agree that kids don't get to just do what they want and that adults we should be there for guidance and stability.

thank you for all your opinions it has helped us see things from other points of view. Our main concern now is the language child is using such as "mum wants me to call him dad" "step dad will only answer me if i call him dad" "I'm suppose to call him dad". It left us in a tricky situation. Bio mum simply said child is saying what he thinks you want to hear and noone is forcing him to call step dad dad. We do believe her however we also believe what son is saying is actually how he is interpreting the situation rather than simply lying to us. We have said to child you can call step dad dad if you want, you are not in any trouble, its ok but we want to know this is what you want and he still responded with its what im 'suppose' to call him. We were caught of guard by the whole topic, we strongly felt dad had the right to know what conversations had come up in their home from the child about it. Mum said it wasnt our business what child calls anyone in her home and her husband is dad in her home and bio dads feeling are not what matters here. She did say hes not been replaced and they still introduce step dad as step dad to other people. We understand if a child feels that way and wants that we wouldnt want to stand in their way but dont think its fair the other bio parent is excluded from the conversation. We dont really believe its come from the child but rather hes been sat down and asked 'would you like to call step dad dad from now on'. In our eyes thats very different to the child asking can i call him dad. Its left us with a child sounding very confused as we do not refer to step dad as "your dad" in our home, we have tried to explain we use his name as that is what hes called to us but he can call him dad if he wants. I wanted to know if people agreed the bio parent has no right to a say or to be told about child wanting to call a step parent mum/dad. The communication on this subject has been shut down. For us its driven a wedge between us all. Only way forward for us is to not make child feel bad in any way but we want to reasure him no-one is forcing him to call step dad anything, its up to him and hope he understands. We dont like it and its hard to accept but we are aware what son wants is main thing here, grateful to the opinions here pushing that point. We just would of preferred to have been in the conversation and for dads feelings to have been taken into account since relationship has always been on a friendly level

Mum 2021.

My friend is Mummy Kate and it works.

Being both a mum and step mum I understand. However painful it may be for for the biological mother/ father it is not our right to determine how our children feel about our ex’s partners.
I’m a step mum 50% of the time (I’ve known him since he was 1) and he calls me by my name but has expressed that he wants to call me mum and does so intentionally sometimes but also by accident. He’s testing waters.
Children do not know that a parent is someone biological, they see how other parents behave with their children both in real life and on the tv - they therefore make the connection that oh she/he treats me like mummy/daddy and so they are their mummy/daddy. Correcting a child will make them either mad at your or possibly distance themselves from you depending on their age, this is because they don’t understand why you are telling them their feelings are wrong.
I’ve had one step dad who I call by name as I met him when I was 6 so I’ve only ever know him by his name. I call him by name but when talking about him I call him dad and introduce him to other people as dad. This is because he behaved as a father did, my biological father who I called dad never corrected me or told me I couldn’t call my step-dad ‘dad’. If he did I would’ve told him he’s a better dad than you are.
So in my experience it’s best to let the child decide because they won’t listen to you anyway, instead they will lie to spare the other parents feelings.

Kids can and do make choices for many different reasons. My colleague's young step children call her Mrs x. They are 6 and 8. She has been married to their father for 2 years. Her family finds it disconcerting, but her husband and the kids all seem to find this to be their norm. She has a good relationship with the kids and their mom.

They have all concluded that because she was introduced to them as Mrs Y that they are just comfortable continuing with the Mrs. At ages 6 and 4, there comfort is what seems to be more important than the particular name calling.

The older will say to her friends this is my dad and Mrs X. She does not seem to find it to be in anyways odd or unusual. I guess kids sometimes create their own version of normal

@YoniAndGuy

What an absolute dick move by the dad and his wife.

They should have gently redirected the child away from it.

I agree here. We had a similar situation where it was heavily implied that DSC should refer to one of their step parents as dad. Very confusing for them for a period as they were quite young and eager to not upset the parent making those implications, but they had a perfectly good dad already.

They then thought it would be best to refer to me as "mum", I suppose because they must have thought that must be what I wanted too. Gently reminded them that I'm "Bess" or "the most super cool person you know" or "queen of the remote control" etc. but that they had a Mum and I didn't love them any less because they called me "Bess".

They now call step dad just that.

If you could re-read the above but replace step mum with step dad and swap over mum and dad, I would like honest response how would you resolve this why didn't you just write it that way round?

If my DSC called me mum I would correct them and say I am their stepmum, and they can call me Star if they like. Not out of respect for their mum but becuase I am not doing any "mumming".

I don't think Dad gets a say on what StepDad is called in their other home. I disagree with it as i think it will be confusing for a child that young. He can express his unhappiness and that it is confusing their child but if that's what the other home wants then that's what they can do.