Step Mum being called "Mum" by dad and step child

[Jessiecowgirl]

What are peoples views on this. Bio mum discovers her 8 year old son has started calling his step mum "Mum" after 8 years of her being called by her 1st name. Bio Dad noticed son was accidentally calling step mum "Mum" and asked him if he would prefer to call her mum from now on. Son said yes. This conversation was not shared with bio mum, she had to overhear it. Bio Mum then raised issue politley and made clear shes upset and not ok with this, while she respects step mum is a parent and involved, she doesn't want her to be named Mum. Bio dad says this is what the son chose after a chat about it. Should bio dad respect the mothers feelings or override her and continue to encourage son to call his wife Mum? Bio Dad believes bio Mum should not have a say what names son wants to call anyone not in her home. In turn he is ok with her calling her husband dad if thats what son ever wanted. Background to this, both bio parents are married to new partners and have other kids. All are amicable and equally involved in raising son. There has been no bad blood but this is a disagreement. How does it get resolved?

If you could re-read the above but replace step mum with step dad and swap over mum and dad, I would like honest response how would you resolve this

They're not bio mum and dad - no adoption has taken place, they're Mum and Dad. Names and position in a family matter, as well as other's feelings, and this should be taught to the child.

Think how hurtful it would be to an eldest child if dad started calling his eldest with a new family his "eldest". It would hurt, because it signifies displacement, therefore it matters.

FWIW, kids often mix up names of close adults. Calling mum "dad" and vice versa, or calling mum by step mum's name and vice versa. I wouldn't encourage this to become permanent, it's hurtful and inappropriate.

The only exception would be if the child's actual mother was not in the picture for some reason

This, and also applies to Dad.

Honestly, I wouldn’t mind.

I think if I were the bio parent, even if I wasn't thrilled about it, I would be very happy that my child loves their step-parent, and that clearly the step-parent loves and cares for my child.

Agreed.

I wouldn't allow it if it was in my own home but what can you actually do about what happens at the other home?

For what it's worth, me and exH separated when our kids were 15 months and 2.5 years old so I do have plenty of experience of blended families and step children. I would correct it every time in my own house and gently remind my child of the right names.

I think if the child does it off their own back, then it’s ok.

Any other way is not ok (being made to)

As long as it hasnt been forced on the child and there are no underlying issues with why the child would all of a sudden want to call her mum then there shouldnt really be a problem.

After many years it would probably be a natural transition if the child was young enough. Some kids just have two mums....

I know my SS (who doesnt even like me most days) refers to me as his mum to his friends simply because its just too much to explain otherwise.

I wouldn't like it at all but I wouldn't make a big deal to the child if it had genuinely come from them, just gently correct them if they say it in front of you (she's not your mum, she's your lovely stepmum. I'm your mum). My dss called me mummy for ages when I first met him aged 2.5. He also called my oldest daughter mummy sometimes and called both cats Max because that's his nan's dog's name. Kids get confused with complicated family set ups and we just corrected him gently (eg he would say I love you Mummy and I'd say Annie loves you too Bobby - not our names obviously). Hes stopped now and I'm glad because I bet his mum would have absolutely HATED it and we only have him EOW so I'm certainly not any kind of a mum figure to him. I'm his stepmum, I love him and care about him and maybe if we had him 50/50 it would be different, but I think it would be really inappropriate for him to call me mummy either way and I'm really glad he's stopped.

The child has chosen to refer to the step parent in this way and based on the age and time in their life the step parent has effectively been a mum/dad so I can understand why they would wish to use this term. There doesn’t appear to be any pressure or even any guidance from adults to make it an issue (which I would disagree with) so really this is the child starting to develop their idea of family. The parent is not going against your wishes, they are supporting their child. If you have a problem with it then I would suggest it is your issue and feels a bit like ownership which I don’t agree with.

The word mum is child code for 'woman who brings me up and makes me feel safe' (ideally)

Go with what is best for the child.

I can see why the real parent would feel upset. But if the child has started it themself and it’s not been forced by the other parent (my husband’s ex wife tried to force her son to call her new husband daddy, it never came off) then just let the child carry on. He knows you’re his real mum. As a stepmum I’d not like to be called mum. I am very close to my stepson, I’ve loved him like a son for decades, but I’m not his mum.

When I was a teenager my mum married my step father. After the ceremony my little brother ran up to my step father and said, "can I call you dad now?" Step father said, "No, I'm not your dad." My brother's face crumpled. It was such a sad thing to witness.

This child is loved, he feels loved, he is comfortable with his step mum. Yes you can force him to call her something else, doesn't change what is in his head or his heart.

Agree it should be child lead. It's very common amongst step dads but less common among step mums.

I think telling an 8 year old that he cant call the step parent a preferred term is harsh and is only to protect an insecure parent rather than to benefit a child

Well the child chose to call her that himself? By making a big issue of it and forbidding him is rather controlling. I get it hurts but it is what it is? It's not being forced by your ex husband or the step mum

I would ask the bio dad to please not encourage the naming of step mum as "mum". It would upset me, as mum, and I think bio dad should recognise this. The 8 year old is old enough to be told that mum is his bio mum, and step mum should be called by her name. It's not difficult.

Its about the child let the child choose. Sorry Dad is right - its not that he has encouraged it at all - its the childs choice and he has just said that is OK. As adults you have to let it go as your issue not anyone else's

As upsetting as it is if it’s come entirely from the child he should be be able to call her what he wants. It might just be a phase and he stops doing it in a few months anyway.

Oh good another parent not thinking about their child. Does it really matter? Does it change how the child loves you? Grow up, put the child first and get on with it. If it's what the child wants you need to respect that.

Personally, as you’re asking for opinions, I think it’s important for the child to feel supported and included in both families. If the child has started calling the step parent mum / dad, then let that be.

Although I can understand the bio parent feeling a bit hurt, the importance is really how the child feels.

Interestingly, in our family, we had same conversation led by child at age 7.

I think it's tough. I can totally see why his mum wouldn't like it. But then, I do think if it's what the child wants, that is more important.

I think it's especially difficult if the step mum and dad have kids of their own. He'll be in a house where the other children are calling her mum, maybe he just wants to be included as much as possible when there? I can understand that even if I wouldn't like it in the mum's position myself!

It's probably a constant reminder for some kids to be the only person in the home calling step mum Sarah when everyone else says mum.

It's wrong and I'd tell the child they get one mum. You can be fond of other women in your life, and love them. But you only get one mum and dad.
I wouldn't stand for it tbh.

What an absolute dick move by the dad and his wife.

They should have gently redirected the child away from it.

The dad should of corrected his son, it's point scoring on the dads behalf here, I'm not surprised mum is upset.

As long as it's lead by the child I wouldn't care. Most stepchildren I know refer to their stepdad and stepmum as mum/dad sometimes.🤷‍♀️ I think parents have an obligation to make the post-split situation as good as they can for the child, not involving them in shitty power plays.

It's not about the adult's hurt feelings; it's about the child's sense of belonging and relationships.

If it were me, with the experience I have of so many fractured, painful 'blended' families', I'd be absolutely thrilled that my child had such a secure and loving bond with his father's new partner, who has been in his life since pretty much day one. And yes, it might sting. But I hope I'd get over that, for my son's sake.