Step Mum being called "Mum" by dad and step child

[Jessiecowgirl]

What are peoples views on this. Bio mum discovers her 8 year old son has started calling his step mum "Mum" after 8 years of her being called by her 1st name. Bio Dad noticed son was accidentally calling step mum "Mum" and asked him if he would prefer to call her mum from now on. Son said yes. This conversation was not shared with bio mum, she had to overhear it. Bio Mum then raised issue politley and made clear shes upset and not ok with this, while she respects step mum is a parent and involved, she doesn't want her to be named Mum. Bio dad says this is what the son chose after a chat about it. Should bio dad respect the mothers feelings or override her and continue to encourage son to call his wife Mum? Bio Dad believes bio Mum should not have a say what names son wants to call anyone not in her home. In turn he is ok with her calling her husband dad if thats what son ever wanted. Background to this, both bio parents are married to new partners and have other kids. All are amicable and equally involved in raising son. There has been no bad blood but this is a disagreement. How does it get resolved?

If you could re-read the above but replace step mum with step dad and swap over mum and dad, I would like honest response how would you resolve this

I get that it hurts but really and truly the most important person in all of this is the child.

I think the child's wishes should come first. He didn't choose for his parents to split up and give him two families to cope with.

My children are 12 and 7, and another on the way. Of dp and I sit up I wouldn't allow them to call another man dad if dp was still involved (which I have no doubt he would be). It would be his name, or some other nick name they came up with. If dp met another woman and encouraged my children to call her mum, I would be telling him straight its not on and it would absolutely break my heart.

I would let the child call her mum.

It's not really up to the parents.

DSS calls me "mum" lately. I don't want him to. His mother doesn't want him to. His father is ambivalent about it. So DSS has likely been told on both sides that I'm not "mum" but yet he persists.

I wouldn’t mind. DS started calling his nursery nurse mum at some point. I realised about this when he explained to me he had 2 mums one at home and one in nursery. I felt he was in good hands.

DS asked my BF if he could call him Dad, BF asked me if that was ok and I said whatever made him feel happy. He also called his stepmum mum for a brief period but he reverted to the usual first names for both BF and step mum as soon as the novelty worn off.

I think that making your child feel uncomfortable about this can backfire on how he sees himself as part of both families and how he sees you. Let it pass, it will, do not make an issue of it, as long as your child is happy the rest doesn’t matter, I can assure you he is not getting confused or replacing you. You are his mum, he knows it.

So she's been in his life for 8 years and he's only 8? So she's been his other "mum" for his entire life. He probably doesn't actually understand the concept of step families if they've always been there as 2 families.

On the flip side I call my parents by their names I haven't called them mum and dad for years and years.

I think if I were the bio parent, even if I wasn't thrilled about it, I would be very happy that my child loves their step-parent, and that clearly the step-parent loves and cares for my child. The child in question definitely knows who their "real" parent is. Calling a step-parent mum/dad wouldn't in any way diminish their love for them.

It seems irrelevant whatever bio mum or bio dad or step mum or step dad want

If DC said it would be easier to call step mum, mum, then let DC be comfortable and happy. As painful as it obviously would be

You said she/he (honestly I lost track) was known by their first name for 8 years and also dc was 8
So presumably they care very much for DC and dc has only ever known having two (4?) mums (and dads)
It’s lovely dc has so many people that care and a mum and dad who seem to be able to communicate too.

Whilst I think the child's views should be taken into account, I think that the adults should model the current names/language at all times. If the biological parent objects then that should also be respected.

In my opinion it is Mum & Step-Dad (or Mum) and Dad & Step-Mum (or Dad).

I think at 8yrs old a child can mentally format the way they want to refer to an adult themselves (possibly because it's easier, or possibly because schematics feel long winded?). Chances are it'll naturally resolve itself as the child becomes older 'step parent
will normally tend to resort to 'name', or may continue to be 'mum/dad', but as much as that might feel displacing for the actual parents involved, it's still essentially the child's call? It may really suck as a parent, but you shouldn't chastise a child into using a term that feels more comfortable for you vs them perhaps?

I think it’s the Dad’s fault for asking the child. I don’t think it’s right to call another person Mum when you’ve already got a Mum.

I’d not make a big thing about it, but I’d get the Dad to refer to Step-mum by her first name and step-mum to smile gently and correct the child if he refers to her as Mum.

If the child asks why, I’d explain and emphasise that step-mum isn’t his Mum. If step-mum has her own children I expect he’s doing it because they do.

If she's been in his life since he was born then she is like a second mum.

I think it’s up to the child as long as it originated from the child , which is how it appears in this instance .

If he has known this woman for his entire life, and have other siblings that refer to her as mum, I don't blame him. It stops him being 'different' I get it's tough- we don't want anyone taking our 'title' of mum bit this has not been forced or pushed- it's the choice of a child who has only ever known her in a caring capacity with his dad. I'd be hurt but I'd also leave it.

I also couldn't 'correct' a child who obviously loves me and wants to show that by saying no I'm not, I'm juts the woman with your dad (basically)

I would gently steer the child towards first names or names other than Mum.

By ‘gently steer’ I mean using the preferred name in front of the child.

But, ultimately, support the child. Don’t tell them that ‘mum’ is wrong.

My SDs have both asked to call me 'Dad' in the past but not persistently. I gently declined explaining they had a Dad. They have a 'pet name' for me anyway rather than my first name.

I do wonder if it was really the best for them but the decision doesn't seem to have harmed our bond in any way.

The youngest one explained once that she wanted a mum and dad at home (naturally.) But she had no friends in her kindergarten who had step parents (or even divorced parents.) When she started school two of her best friends had step parents and suddenly is was far less of an issue to her (in fact I don't think she's asked since.) She actually seems to see it as a bonus now to have a 'step' parent.

She'd have two awesome stepparents if her dad wasn't such a fuckwit in relationships...

What about Mum-Anna (or whatever her name is)
It might hurt me as a mum but ultimately I put my kids happiness first and I’d be happy they were so comfortable with her that they called her mum. And cry alone occasionally !

I wouldn't like it and would also encourage the child to call the stepmum by her name.

My children have two dads, call them both dad and it causes them no problems. They chose to call their step father Dad and although I never mentioned it I was glad when they did. To me it just shows that they feel loved and looked after and their happiness is my priority. If their biological dad remarried I would be pleased if they had another mum, I want as many people as possible to love and care for my children.

If bio dad/mum involved in kids lives I’d ask them if they were ok with kids calling step parents mum/dad. If not then step would be first name

I would go with what the child wants. He knows who his bio Mum is. She's not being replaced.

I think the child should choose.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DSC calling me mum. When he was 2 DSS went through a phase of calling me mum. But he was just copying my DS. I think he thought my name was mum (he doesn’t call his mum ‘mum’). I was glad when he stopped and called me by my name. As he was so young we handled it by just ignoring it and modelling using my name instead.

It’s harder if an 8 year old wants to call his SM mum. To a certain extent, it IS up to him to decide how he sees his relationships with the people he lives with. Even if that is difficult and hurtful for his mum, it’s not fair to make him responsible for her feelings about it. But, equally, I’d be horribly uncomfortable if my son wanted to call another woman mum. Just as much as I was uncomfortable about my DSS doing it.

I think that the best thing would be to ignore it. So your DH and everyone else can keep referring to you by name but leave it up to your DSS to decide what he refers to you as. I wouldn’t correct him, and I’d answer to both mum and my name. Just see how that plays out.

Your DH should ask himself how he would feel in his ex’s shoes before he goes into full on encouragement mode. If he’d genuinely be fine (pleased, indeed) with his son calling another man dad, then he can encourage it all he likes. But I doubt that would be the case. So he should go with the neutral hands-off approach of generally ignoring it.

After all, it might just be a phase. Or it might not.

So is this a reverse, then?
You framed is as a Mum / Step-mum issue and then at the end of your post, asked us to turn it around so it's Dad / Step-dad?
Either way, my answer will be the same.

Using Mum as an example... as the Dad or Step-mum in this scenario, I would neither encourage nor discourage calling SM "Mum"; in other words, I would not correct the child if they say "Mum", but I absolutely would not use "Mum" myself and would continue to use Step-mum's first name.

The only exception would be if the child's actual mother was not in the picture for some reason, if she had died or did not see the child at all (or very rarely), then it would be fair enough to call step-mum "Mum" since she is the only one doing the role.

Ditto to all of the above if it's dad / step-dad we're actually talking about.