How to blend a step family and is it the right time.

[Sarahholl87]

Hi everyone

I don't often post on here but I am struggling with making some hard decisions and would really appreciate some advice and opinions, especially from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Bear with me it will be a long post

So I am a single mum to an almost 4 year old who will be starting school in September. I have a partner who also has 2 children and splits custody with his ex. I have been with him a year and things are great, the children are all similar age and get on really well.

At the moment I usually see my partner once or twice a week and mainly I will stay at his house as he has his children every weekend and either my child will come stay with me or I go alone if he's with his Dad.
My house is much smaller than my partners so it makes more sense to go there but it's a 40 minute trip so sometimes can be hard work and costly.

We've been chatting about the future and we both would love to all live together some day.

My dilemma is do I take the plunge this year and move in with him so my son can start school in the new area and not have to move schools in the future.
I also think if worse case scenario things didn't work out I would move back to my home city as I would be renting my house out so I'd have to move back and potentially have my son move to a new school again.

There's also the factor of him been further from his dad (40 min drive) however I would be willing to drive and meet him half way and I think he would be supportive and we could work out a routine.

My partner can't move near me as his kid's are settled in a school near him and he drops off and collects them 3 times per week and there mum would not allow them to move school nor would it be possible due to shared custody.

So I'm in a difficult position as to bite the bullet and move in with him late summer for my son to have a start at a school there or wait a few years and have him have to start a whole new school or just live seperately and keep things as they are and just see each other on weekends.

It's such a difficult decision and ultimately my son comes 1st but we all get on so well, the kids love each other and in an ideal world we would all be a family.

If anyone has any advice or has similar experience I would really appreciate it!

Thank you :) x

Hi Op, not from a parenting perspective but as a child, I moved schools a few times.

One school I was only in for Reception, then I stayed at the new school until I was in Year 4. Moved to a whole new town and different school set up.

Children adapt pretty easily at a young age. I found it more difficult when I was age 9 than when I was 5, but I still survived it!

I really think only you know how well things are working with your partner and whether moving in together after one year might be too soon.

As a suggestion, could you stay in your house for the next year, but test run living together over the summer at his house? If it all seems to work really well, then you can think about moving schools whilst your son is in his first year. You don't have to move schools to correlate with the academic year - I started 4 weeks before the end of the school year.

Xx

Its actually really easy. You put your child first and stay put. One year is nothing.

I would say a year isn't long enough as there two sets of children involved. I'd wait another year, your child is young enough to adapt later on.

How far have you got in terms of pen to paper listing practicalities?
Bedroom allocation?.
Finances?.
Parenting styles?.
Lots to think about before school for your dc imo. .. You may find at the planning stage things aren't going to work out..

If you like the area, you could move there with your DS but not into your boyfriends house. You don't need to feel like you are in a rush.

Thank you all for your replies I really appreciate it :)

I think in normal circumstances I wouldn't rush into this kind of thing, I would just hate for my son to settle at a school this year and then him have to start all over again in a couple of years time but that might be the best option for now and just see what the future holds.

I think one year is too early for you all to be blending. I would stay put for now.

You've only been dating a year and would've spent even less time all together under one roof. To describe the kids as loving each other this early on is a big red flag to me as to your expectations of how blending families might pan out.

Even by the time summer comes around everyone will still be firmly in the honeymoon phase and it would be unfair to uproot your DS from his home at least until you have a better idea how you all get on in the real world, not just dating. I can see why you'd be reluctant to have your DS starting all over again in a couple of years but with the number of 2nd marriages that don't work out there's a high chance of DS needing to be moved again anyway especially if you rush into living together without being as sure as you can be that you'll last the distance.

How close to each other are your approaches to parenting e.g. discipline, screen time, fussy eating, chores as they get older etc? Would all the children have their own room at your DP's house?

How is that going to work on days his dad would be dropping him off or picking him up from school? What about school conferences, plays, sporting events? You point out the difficulty of your partner moving that far from his ex, but dismiss the difficulty of moving your own child that far from his other parent. N

I wouldn't move in with someone after dating for a year, especially when most of that year has been in lockdowns.

I wouldn't move until you have been together much longer than a year.

You're still in the honeymoon period and might move back which would be awful for the children if they do bond.

Plus moving 40 minutes away might not seem like much, but it potentially a huge sacrifice for your son as you are removing the option for your son to pop into his dad's house when he is older (as a teen I really appreciated being able to go see my dad whenever I wanted).

I recommend giving your relationship 5 years. Yes you read that right. Five. Let the scales fall from your eyes and let reality set in. With the lockdowns in the last year am struggling to imagine you’ve all spent loads of time together?

Don’t add another baby to the mix either.

Hi all

Thanks again for replies.

To be honest we've spent a lot more time together because of lockdown than in normal circumstances as we formed a bubble and we went and lived there for a while. So we've spent quite a big chunk of time together with the kids.

I honestly am not in any way shape or form deluded into thinking we can play happy families and I agree it's pretty quick after 1 year. I however have a history of been a step mum and I know the challenges it faces and even after 9 years of that relationship it didn't work out but you never know with any relationship.

The kids are very young 3, 4 and 5 and they get on brilliantly and whos to say children can't love each other. They've known each other for 8 months so it's not like it's brand new.

In regards to my son's dad he works away Monday to Friday so would only have him on a weekend or every other weekend. He's happy and has moved in with a lovely lady and her children and if and when the time comes we will make it work. He already lives 20 minutes away and I am willing to commute to share the journey if we ever do move.

I definitely have lots to think about and I am not going to make a life changing decision like this without proper discussions and thought.

I do probably think it's going to be something that happens in another year or two and if it's the right time. My main concern was moving my son out of school but ultimately if it's the right time for us all then I'm sure he will make new friends and be happy.

They've known each other for 8 months so it's not like it's brand new

8 months is brand new for something like this. How long were you together when you moved your child in with him for lockdowns?

How many partners has your son met in his almost 4 years?
Your current dp, your previous partner to whose children you were step mother, his father’s new girlfriend. Has his father had previous girlfriends?
How many children has he been expected to live and blend with?

My son hasn't met any other partners as I haven't had any. I was with his father 9 years whom I was also a stepmother to his son for 9 years. My partner hasn't introduced anyone to his kids either other than me.

We both introduced the kids slowly after 6 months. His father has had 1 relationship and has lived with her about 7 months and my son loves going and gets on well with her children. I've met her numerous times and she's lovely.

Me & my partner would have been together almost 2 years if we moved in together in late summer.

I appreciate all comments, I just think some are going a bit off topic.

I'm not the sort of mother who would have various partners and introduce them to my son neither is my son's dad. I'm in my my mid 30s and I think I'm pretty level headed.

I haven't made any decisions concerning what to do yet hence why I wanted the opinions of others who may have been in this situation.

Thanks for all your comments it's definitely made me take different things into consideration and I definitely won't be making a big decision like this without looking at all the pros and cons 1st.

I totally get that but IF we moved in it would be coming up to 2 years once we did.

We'd been together about 11 months. I never classed it as moving in as such as I new it would be temporary but it was nice.

Stte.
A year isn't a lot in the big scheme of things.
You mention your house being too small, but I'd be advocating that atm it's easy for the oh and his children. He's not driving the distance. Not sharing the cost. Not having to have his children settle elsewhere. It's all in their "turf". And actually, seeing how they react/behave if this was the norm for alternative weekends etc, would shoe you how dedicated and involved your oh truly is. And also how the children interact and behave then including your son.
It sounds as though he's made it clear how he stands with regards compromises and that's he won't be making any. His children's lives and routine takes precedence. He COULD look at alternate schools broach the topic with his ex. Shared custody wouldn't stop this being put on the table. But he won't even consider this. Yet your life and more importantly, your child's, will be totally uprooted as would your ex"s. And tbh nor have you considered that he may not agree to the 20 minutes travel if he currently has minimal and why should he?
I'd want to see much more commitment from his side, coming to you, contributing to your costs. Atm it's easy. He does nothing except wait for you to arrive.

Just a question and I'm interested rather than accusing. I'm a step parent who moved in with my partner and we both have children.

You say the children are young 3, 4 & 5 I think. Sorry on mobile so can't see your OP. You also say that it's you son who will have to move schools as DP's ex wouldn't allow it.

How old is your son? Which children are at school and which are at nursery?

I also agree with things like bedroom allocations, parenting styles etc. My partner and I have been together a long time but some things aren't an obvious when you are 'visiting' or staying over as they are when you are living together.

Who picks the kids up, you because you are a single parent where as he shares?

Don't fall into the trap of picking up his parenting duties as she coparents and you are used to just getting on with it. It will get thin fast!

I'm lucky that I coparent with me DP but it has taken arguments, stress and upset to get into a rhythm that works for us and the kids. Resentment can ruin your relationship

@MotherExtraordinaire

Stte. A year isn't a lot in the big scheme of things. You mention your house being too small, but I'd be advocating that atm it's easy for the oh and his children. He's not driving the distance. Not sharing the cost. Not having to have his children settle elsewhere. It's all in their "turf". And actually, seeing how they react/behave if this was the norm for alternative weekends etc, would shoe you how dedicated and involved your oh truly is. And also how the children interact and behave then including your son. It sounds as though he's made it clear how he stands with regards compromises and that's he won't be making any. His children's lives and routine takes precedence. He COULD look at alternate schools broach the topic with his ex. Shared custody wouldn't stop this being put on the table. But he won't even consider this. Yet your life and more importantly, your child's, will be totally uprooted as would your ex"s. And tbh nor have you considered that he may not agree to the 20 minutes travel if he currently has minimal and why should he? I'd want to see much more commitment from his side, coming to you, contributing to your costs. Atm it's easy. He does nothing except wait for you to arrive.

@MotherExtraordinaire

Ignore what I posted, ME says it so much better!!

No, far too soon.

Moving schools in eg two years would be fine, and far far more careful and protective of your son.

A year is just nothing.

How will the bedrooms be allocated? Will his DC get priority on having their own room/having the biggest bedroom because it is his house? Seen so many threads on here where its caused resentment as it's been presumed the new or stepchildren will have the box room or have to share and so on.

@MotherExtraordinaire thanks for your advice. His children do stay at my house and so does he if we don't have the kids however his house has 5 bedrooms mine has 2. It's so much easier to be at his and it's my choice and I don't mind.

His relationship with his ex isn't great and she would not compromise and change schools 40 minutes away that's a fact. My partner sometimes works away for 3 weeks at a time so she has the children for that full period plus another child from a previous partner so we know that would not work.

My ex and I have discussed it somewhat and he has met my partner and of course if he was dead set against it I wouldn't do that to him. But he did seem supportive when it's been mentioned. He already lives 20 minutes away and I don't think driving once a week for 40 minutes on a round trip is a big thing but like I say that's a discussion for him and I to hold properly.

My partner does contribute to the costs, that's not a massive issue and of course in an ideal world if I had a bigger house I'd have them stay a lot more but the fact is he has a much bigger house and myself and the kids all like being there.

Sorry really hard to reply to everyone individually but Thanks for all your replies and advice.
I definitely think we have a lot of thinking to do and maybe hang fire a while and just enjoy our time together and hopefully In the future we can work towards moving in as a family. No matter the timing there will be challenges I know that and in an ideal world everyone would only ever have 1 husband/wife/family but the reality is blended families are what a lot of people do now. So I'm going to leave it there as I have definitely taken on board everyones comments.

Thank you :)