Am I being unfair?

[Helloktty811]

Bit of background: dp and I not living together but he has been staying more often, with a view to moving in. As such, he does have a hand in some discipline. He has a great relationship with dd but slightly strained with ds who may have SEN and can have behavioural issues.

Anyway, both kids were in the house. Ds was upstairs and dp gave dd chocolate. I usually say that if one is offered a treat then I ask the other, doesn't matter if they're not in the room. So dd went off with her chocolate and tried to go into their shared room. Ds didn't want her in their room (a whole other issue) and they had a fight. Dd was crying saying D's had hit her and ds said that she had bitten him. Now if feel as though the way dp approached it was trying to disprove ds eg. "I don't see any bite marks on ds....dd, where did ds bite you?". I'm well aware that there may be some bias at play. Ds is usually the biter and often the instigator but I feel that if we don't know what happened then we can't lead with that bias. It seems a viscous cycle because I feel dp leans towards the negative with D's and so I feel protective. After we'd checked everyone over, ds asked for chocolate like his sister and it didn't feel right to say yes, given they'd fought. I discussed this with dp and said this is why I give equal opportunity for them to have treats at the same time because not being given chocolate would be a punishment for a fight that they both had and would appear unfair. Dp said they were separate issues, that ds could've had chocolate but as a consequence of the fight shouldn't have any. So then we had a back and forth about that. Dp gets really defensive and irritable and I always make a point of not saying that dp is wrong in how he handles things, I tend to say next time I think we should do it differently or usually this is why I'd do it a certain way but he instantly takes it that I'm telling him he's in the wrong.

So do we both have a valid point or is he being unfair, am I being defensive?

I want to try and find a way through this. Trying to strengthen ds and ds relationship isn't likely as ds is rather insular with everyone. I've suggested we discuss our usual sticking points and discuss how we deal with them. How does everyone else handle discipline and day to day squabbles?

Honestly it sounds like DS and DD need separate rooms, how old are these children? No-one should be bitten in their own home, that's absolutely awful and is clearly a regular occurrence - this needs dealing with. I wouldn't consider moving another adult in (and further disrupting child's dynamic) until behaviour is more stable. I wouldn't have given anyone choc after a physical fight either.

Bit of background: dp and I not living together but he has been staying more often, with a view to moving in

Is dp your support bubble or the children's father? (If no to either of those he shouldn't be coming and going during a lockdown)

As such, he does have a hand in some discipline

How long have you been together? And is he the children's father?...if not why is he disciplining your children when you aren't even at the living together stage

He has a great relationship with dd but slightly strained with ds who may have SEN and can have behavioural issues

He should realise you and both kids come as a package and treat the kids equally...and not discriminate against ds because of his SEN

Anyway, both kids were in the house. Ds was upstairs and dp gave dd chocolate. I usually say that if one is offered a treat then I ask the other, doesn't matter if they're not in the room

They are your kids...tell him it's your rules that if one of your children is given a treat you want the other to have the same so that it makes it fair and so that one isn't being left out

So dd went off with her chocolate and tried to go into their shared room. Ds didn't want her in their room (a whole other issue) and they had a fight

Is there a spare room where they can have space each if said doesn't like DD in his space?

Dd was crying saying D's had hit her and ds said that she had bitten him

That's normal sibling behaviour where they fight and blame one another when caught

Now if feel as though the way dp approached it was trying to disprove ds eg. "I don't see any bite marks on ds....dd, where did ds bite you?". I'm well aware that there may be some bias at play. Ds is usually the biter and often the instigator but I feel that if we don't know what happened then we can't lead with that bias. It seems a viscous cycle because I feel dp leans towards the negative with D's and so I feel protective

If you feel like your partner is behaving that way towards your son why are you allowing it to keep happening...D's is a child, it's your job to protect him, imagine years from now your son will be resentful (if you and your partner are still together) if he has had years of your dp favouring DD and treating him badly ...

After we'd checked everyone over, ds asked for chocolate like his sister and it didn't feel right to say yes, given they'd fought. I discussed this with dp and said this is why I give equal opportunity for them to have treats at the same time because not being given chocolate would be a punishment for a fight that they both had and would appear unfair. Dp said they were separate issues, that ds could've had chocolate but as a consequence of the fight shouldn't have any

Of course he would say that as an excuse to get one over on D's if he favours DD and doesn't like D's....he shouldn't be having a say on punishments unless he is the father....you are the aren't, you decide rules and punishments

So then we had a back and forth about that

Unless he is their father there really is nothing for him to argue about...he doesn't even live with you

Dp gets really defensive and irritable and I always make a point of not saying that dp is wrong in how he handles things

So basically he is grinding even you down so that you are on eggshells and can't disagree with him

I tend to say next time I think we should do it differently or usually this is why I'd do it a certain way but he instantly takes it that I'm telling him he's in the wrong

Big red flags that you can't even have a difference of opinion about how to deal with your own children in your own home...he sounds controlling

So do we both have a valid point or is he being unfair, am I being defensive

He is unfair, but you need to stop allowing him to.control

I want to try and find a way through this. Trying to strengthen ds and ds relationship isn't likely as ds is rather insular with everyone. I've suggested we discuss our usual sticking points and discuss how we deal with them. How does everyone else handle discipline and day to day squabbles?

Is he their father?...if he isn't then you can't force a child to instantly like your partner...that comes in time from building a relationship...but if your partner isn't being nice or fair towards your son, then he isn't going to want to build a relationship with him...why would he want to?...have you ever spoke to your kids without partner around to get their opinion about him because he shouldn't be isolating and targeting D's ..you need to stamp that out...your kids should come above any relationship

Jesus christ @ilovenutellaaaa you sound like an absolute dog with a bone in your comment. Nothing in OPs post sounded like her DP was driving any of this or trying to control anything. If anything it's OP that has micromanaged.

OP I think your expectations are a bit high if you are analysing his interactions with them to this extent. The things you have mentioned shouldn't be that big a deal and he is helping out by watching them at all, I can see how it would be irritating to be dealing with two kids kids aren't yours and have behavioural issues and then have you telling him how he'd done it wrong afterwards, even down to minor things like a chocolate bar. It would make me stop helping out, tbh.

I don't like defensive behaviour and it depends on exactly how defensive he gets whether his reaction is appropriate, but I do think you need to back off a bit.

Sounds like your kids need separate rooms and your DP needs to take a step back.

The chocolate and who bit who is all just usual argeybargey distracting from the issues at hand, IMO.

I’d remove his disciplining privileges and wouldn’t move him in. He’s causing division between your children and he doesn’t even live there yet. Go back to just dating him and keep him separate from your Dc.

If you don't see things improving between your child and your boyfriend you can't move him in, it would only get worse. If he can take a step back and not have any parenting responsibilities to your children things might improve at a slower pace without the step parent pressure.

How old are the DC and how long have you been seeing your boyfriend?

He should absolutely not be disciplining your children. They’re your kids, you’re the parent, it’s your home. He’s a visiting guest who is stepping way over the line by getting so involved. Why are you letting this happen?

I don't think he should 'have a hand in discipline' at this stage. Certainly not when you're there. He should step back and leave it to you.

If I was at a friend's house and her kids started fighting or arguing, if she was nowhere in range (out in the garden getting in washing, let's say) I would intervene. But if she was there, not a chance I would get involved. I would wander out and look at my phone in a different room while she dealt with them. That's how your partner should do things.

I used this instead of aibu in the hope I'd get an easier time......rest assured I'm not contributing to the rising infection rate by flouting covid rules

Working on the separate rooms but I'll need to move in order to do so. They're always fighting and I need to nip it in the bud, doesn't help that there's only a year between them I think. Ds is really rough and is usually the one that hurts (intentionally or not)

I probably didn't explain well but do has a hand in supervising the kids and enforcing rules as opposed to discipline. He will watch them so I can go shopping/have a shower and intervene when they're misbehaving. I have the final say on any punishment and sometimes he will give his opinion or question why I've done something but at the end of it they are my kids and I have the final say.

I do protect my kids. I tell dp if I feel he's being unfair. I think I'm so used to everything that ds does that I don't take it personally, whereas I think dp does. They don't have a bad relationship, they both say they love each other but they can rub eachother up the wrong way. I'm in the midst of getting him assessed, but again, covid has made it more difficult. I make time to ask the kids if they feel dp is spending too much time here and I try and ask the kids if there is anything that either one of us has done that has upset them. Both kids love dp.

The reason I asked is because I know I can sometimes be overprotective and I can be hyper aware of risks/negativity (due to things I won't go into) that's also maybe why I try to be really diplomatic when I broach things and that's the reason we have tried to do a gradual moving in.

If everything is so great from your update I’m confused about what you’re after here.

Disciplining YOUR children has got absolutely NOTHING to do with your boyfriend who doesn’t even live in your house!
From what you’ve said he seems to favour your DD....that will only become more apparent once he moves in and it will cause problems!

Well I was after was some constructive ideas and an outside view of whether I'm micromanaging or not. I haven't claimed everything is either terrible or perfect. There are issues, as everyone has and we don't always agree in methods and, given we hope to move in together in the future and he will be doing more of the parenting I wanted to ensure a smooth transition and ask how other step parents navigate the division of discipline/work out problems when they arise. I was just after some support really.

Fucking hell.

@Helloktty811

Well I was after was some constructive ideas and an outside view of whether I'm micromanaging or not. I haven't claimed everything is either terrible or perfect. There are issues, as everyone has and we don't always agree in methods and, given we hope to move in together in the future and he will be doing more of the parenting I wanted to ensure a smooth transition and ask how other step parents navigate the division of discipline/work out problems when they arise. I was just after some support really.

Your children aren't getting along as it is, they need more space and hopefully if you can manage that things will settle between them.

Adding your boyfriend into the mix right now isn't working, you need to pull back on his involvement and see where you are with your children once they have their own space from each other.

There is too much happening for them for blending to be in any way positive right now. You need to look at the bigger picture.

That's a fair point lunar and I have probably let dp have too much influence on my approach at times, I guess the idea of not being a lone parent is nice and I always feel like I need a sounding board, be it do or my mum. But I agree that it has to happen at the right time, which is why it has taken so long to get to this point anyway.

Whether or not you decide it's too early for your partner to be involved I feel he is getting a tough time on this thread and I'm not sure why. How did he come to be involved in the fighting incident? Were you tending to it and he rushed in and undermined you? Because othetwiae it seems like he is basically just being blamed for helping out in a pretty conventional manner. If my partner was leaving me to watch the kids to go to the shop etc and then micro managing how I did it, I would find it quite annoying and wouldn't want to help.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong giving one child a chocolate and not the other at that exact second. I don’t go and find my other kid if Iv just given one I treat, I wait until they Ask.

Your kids need separate rooms also. Your DS shouldn’t be stopping your dd going in.

He probably does favour the child that is nicer in general. That’s bond to happen.

We both went to deal with it because the kids were playing in another room and started screaming. He didn't undermine me but we broach things differently sometimes and that sometimes causes issues. I think I do micromanage, which is part of the reason I did this post. I have always done all of the parenting and had years of being gaslit so am sometimes cagey and second guess whether I'm being rational or not. Yes do and DD have a fantastic relationship and I think he finds being hit/shouted at etc difficult and because I worry about them not getting along I think I'm sometimes overprotective. Thank you for the helpful comments. I think I'm going to make sure that I do the lions share of dealing with stuff and get dp to step back again for a while, and have a discussion about what is best to do when I'm not there.

I think he finds being hit/shouted at etc

Your DS hits your boyfriend ?

I think he finds being hit/shouted at etc difficult

Why on earth is he being hit!? How old are your children that theyre hitting people?

We all love together and neither of us do any disciplining unless it something major and the other ones isn't around.

Your child bites his sister, refuses to let her into their shared bedroom, hits your partner and you’re protective of him?

Never mind your partner, what are you doing to protect your DD from this? She’s made to share a bedroom with a brother who is violent towards her and refuses her access when he doesn’t want her there. She’s being bullied/abused by her brother and you’re siding with her brother?

It’s not hard to see why your DP has a better relationship with your DD than your DS, clearly he’s the only one who has her interests at heart.

@AlternativePerspective

Your child bites his sister, refuses to let her into their shared bedroom, hits your partner and you’re protective of him?

Never mind your partner, what are you doing to protect your DD from this? She’s made to share a bedroom with a brother who is violent towards her and refuses her access when he doesn’t want her there. She’s being bullied/abused by her brother and you’re siding with her brother?

It’s not hard to see why your DP has a better relationship with your DD than your DS, clearly he’s the only one who has her interests at heart.

This is all very true.

@AlternativePerspective

Your child bites his sister, refuses to let her into their shared bedroom, hits your partner and you’re protective of him?

Never mind your partner, what are you doing to protect your DD from this? She’s made to share a bedroom with a brother who is violent towards her and refuses her access when he doesn’t want her there. She’s being bullied/abused by her brother and you’re siding with her brother?

It’s not hard to see why your DP has a better relationship with your DD than your DS, clearly he’s the only one who has her interests at heart.

Agree with this 100%.

No wonder your partner favours your daughter.

Op - just wanted to offer a bit of support from another lone parent with SEN child. It's tough when you're dealing with bad behaviour and know that it's not entirely within your child's control.
How old is DS? Have you had any useful support from school? I know Covid is making everything harder, but my eldest diagnosis has come through during the pandemic, so it is still happening. I've definitely found that I and everyone around us has found it a little easier to understand and deal with the bad behaviour when there was a clear official diagnosis to clarify things.

I know you need to be even handed with the children and that DS needs to know that he has your support no matter what, even though you are disciplining him. I'm sure you give DD the same support and let her know that it's not OK that he hurts her.
I have noticed that things escalate when my eldest feels trapped or like he hasn't got a safe quiet space. I know they share a room, but is it possible to create a quiet corner either there or elsewhere in the house and when he takes himself there DD knows she'll be the one in trouble if she disturbs him. It's important to help him self regulate by giving him the space.

It sounds like your DP is doing the best he can. It's not easy tring to deal with the dynamic between a new partner and your children as it is, never mind when SEN are involved.

I don't have an answer really, you're the one in the situation and best placed to judge. I think you probably have to talk to DP about finding ways to de-escalate situations before they get to the biting stage.

This is just a big long rambly post really. Sorry I can't help more. i feel for you though. I, too, have had those moments you describe where it's just so tough being the only one in charge. Responsible. Trying to do everything, manage everything. Make all the decisions and then to have that amplified by dealing with exceptionally challenging behaviour and that horrible feeling when the two people you love most dearly are hurting each other and you wonder how and why on earth any other sane adult is going to voluntarily choose to enter into that situation. Its unbelievably hard.