Am I being unfair?

[Helloktty811]

Bit of background: dp and I not living together but he has been staying more often, with a view to moving in. As such, he does have a hand in some discipline. He has a great relationship with dd but slightly strained with ds who may have SEN and can have behavioural issues.

Anyway, both kids were in the house. Ds was upstairs and dp gave dd chocolate. I usually say that if one is offered a treat then I ask the other, doesn't matter if they're not in the room. So dd went off with her chocolate and tried to go into their shared room. Ds didn't want her in their room (a whole other issue) and they had a fight. Dd was crying saying D's had hit her and ds said that she had bitten him. Now if feel as though the way dp approached it was trying to disprove ds eg. "I don't see any bite marks on ds....dd, where did ds bite you?". I'm well aware that there may be some bias at play. Ds is usually the biter and often the instigator but I feel that if we don't know what happened then we can't lead with that bias. It seems a viscous cycle because I feel dp leans towards the negative with D's and so I feel protective. After we'd checked everyone over, ds asked for chocolate like his sister and it didn't feel right to say yes, given they'd fought. I discussed this with dp and said this is why I give equal opportunity for them to have treats at the same time because not being given chocolate would be a punishment for a fight that they both had and would appear unfair. Dp said they were separate issues, that ds could've had chocolate but as a consequence of the fight shouldn't have any. So then we had a back and forth about that. Dp gets really defensive and irritable and I always make a point of not saying that dp is wrong in how he handles things, I tend to say next time I think we should do it differently or usually this is why I'd do it a certain way but he instantly takes it that I'm telling him he's in the wrong.

So do we both have a valid point or is he being unfair, am I being defensive?

I want to try and find a way through this. Trying to strengthen ds and ds relationship isn't likely as ds is rather insular with everyone. I've suggested we discuss our usual sticking points and discuss how we deal with them. How does everyone else handle discipline and day to day squabbles?

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep thank you, I feel like you better understand my situation. Ds is much better than he was, I used to be bloody and bruised when he had a meltdown. I have been asking for support for the last four years and School had just started the process of applying for assessment last school term but I've been chasing it up and they keep saying they'll be in touch but never are.

I'm clearly doing a terrible job of explaining. Dp does not hit the children, yes ds hits everyone. Ages are 6 and 5. I know this isn't ideal and I meant I'm protective of ds when it comes to dp as I think because of the general overall behaviour he always assumes the negative of ds (which I understand) of course I don't want the hitting and general disharmony but unfortunately it is the way it is at the moment. School are aware and have the same issues as me, we have a plan in place but even school say that he will adhere dependant on his mood. The teacher says he will always be difficult and it's just in his nature . I most certainly do protect my daughter. I can only do so much with the space I have. I've tried tents etc for a calm space but in a small house it is hard. He has ear defenders and a chew toy for when he is struggling and we often tag team so they have time away from each other. Which definitely isn't easy as a mainly lone parent and in a pandemic. I advocate for her and make sure ds doesn't override her wants all the time but I'm afraid fights are a fact of life at the moment for us and part of the reason I came here was because I'm trying to improve the situation with the limited resources I have.

I hear you. It sounds really tough. It is fairly common for diagnoses not to occur until 7ish so sadly I'm not surprised you haven't achieved that yet. Have you spoken to the GP yet? We got a referral from school and took that to the GP but I understand the process is different in different areas.
Might I suggest that you ask to get this thread moved to SEN? It sounds like you and your DP are doing your best but that there are still some teething issues with the new dynamic and these are being exacerbated by the SEN. The SEN forum might have some ideas for that specific situation which this one can't help with.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel about the dynamics between all of you? Perhaps just explaining to him what you're worried about will help him to address those things or just be able to reassure you.

To look at it in a more positive light, perhaps it means you can give a bit more of yourself to DS whilst knowing DD has an adult to support her atm? As long as you talk to everyone about this so DS knows DP is still there for him, DD knows you're still on her side but just trying to help DS a bit more until normal service is returned and DP knows that you're not advocating that he picks sides and that you need him to back up what you're telling the children then I don't see why this couldn’t be a workable situation temporarily, at least until schools are back and you can access the additional support you so obviously need.

Take care