DP refusing to help with homeschooling my son

[dontknowwhatto]

Last week was tough. 38/39 weeks pregnant, final week of work before mat leave, then coupled with homeschooling my 8yo (y4), c section booked this week. Work was crazy busy and I often worked late into evening (10pm/11pm). P was available all week (as on holidays) but only helped with our 2yo, point blank says no to homeschooling. I said it's my last week of work , I need help, etc. On Friday morning I was gone for 3 hours at hospital and asked 8yo and P to do homeschool, came back lunchtime and very little was done. Nothing was corrected, lots of gaps in work completed, didn't do a manual spell check with 8yo (instead 8yo did electronic quiz got 4/10 but they didn't do any test/practice before) Meaning my only afternoon 'off' would be filled with homeschool. I got very upset and ended up crying saying I'm feeling so unsupported, all week and now Friday too. He didn't care, ignored me so much so that the first words he spoke to me were I'm going to the shop do you want anything.

So Saturday I tried to raise it with P again, he said he has nothing to apologise about and I said next week I will have newborn, will he help with homeschool then? He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it. 8yo doesn't just sit there diligently and do work, 8yo needs encouragement and guidance. P then turned it around saying he has nothing more to say about and he told me that he would not help and that's it.

What do you think of all this ?

Ps I have no family support at all, no bubble here. I'm doing on my own (newborn, 2yo abs 8yo) and P is only here til end Jan as he works away for work.

@sassbott different children are very different. None of my children is that compliant. One taught themselves to read before school, one went to a nursery which started the process (and for her 4th birthday whilst still at nursery I knew every child from her nursery could write their own name). My other child is very dyslexic and really struggled with all this.
And I remember as a child absolutely refusing to do "gentle learning activities".
Some children are more compliant, some are ready to learn, some learn best from "teachers" and some will take their own sweet while. And the factors underlying this can well be genetic.

And a SP is probably the last person they can learn from -with all the emotional baggage that comes with that role. (A babysitter from my observation would have a better chance.)

@MollyButton I completely agree with you. Whole heartedly. Which is why, I tried. Failed. And immediately backed away and did not revisit it again. Completely not my place.

My children are simply more open to bribery . And I am very lucky in that respect. It’s not guarantee re how they’ll turn out by the way. But I can categorically say that what worked for my children had no chance (unless they were super keen) of it working with my partners children

I think it's important to come together and step up when you can see you partner needs help and for once I'd specifically asked for it

It’s always always the people who want help that make this point. It’s a pure obstinate refusal to see it from the other side.

You’re not just asking him to help. He’s told you he won’t sit and make him do it, which is clearly his impression of what need to occur.

You may be using different language. You say “ lots of encouragement” he says “sit there and make him do it” . Ultimately it’s the same thing. And you know it.

Sorry but I still think you're wrong. DH can fuck off to the far side of fuck if he would doubt our relationship because I won't homeschool his (yes his! Not mine!) DD. I'd help out in any other way but no way am I homeschooling someone who clearly doesn't want to be homeschooled by me.

If your partner isn't helping in other ways then you've got an issue but nah, sorry, not homeschooling his non compliant stepchild shouldn't be a reason you doubt him.

And before the stepparent haters come out in force, I love my DSD but feel it would damage our relationship for me to force her education. Maybe your partner feels the same. Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want to? And listened to the response instead of immediately criticising?

So many double standards on here.

You may be using different language. You say “ lots of encouragement” he says “sit there and make him do it” . Ultimately it’s the same thing. And you know it.

Absolutely. The OP’s choice of wording is absolutely the euphemism of a parent.

I think he's a wanker if he's home all day tbh.
I'm sure his lack of support is nothing new to you, and you have produced children with him.
I'm not sure what you can do, apart from leave him if his support is so important to you, it would be for most people.

@GypsyLee are you a stepparent? If not, you have no idea how difficult it is and calling him a wanker is seriously unfair.

@aSofaNearYou

I see that many of you (step parents) also agreed to point blank no to helping out with homeschool but maybe I'm different. It's a temporary help to make life easier. I think it's important to come together and step up when you can see you partner needs help and for once I'd specifically asked for it. To have him say no at this very point was a real sting and made me doubt him/our relationship

With all due respect, you (and the others agreeing that it isn't fair for him to opt out of home schooling your son) are not step parents and are speaking from the point of view of the parent who wants help, so of course you think that. You have no idea what it's like to have a step child in the first place, let alone to be "expected" to do a variety of things that are the parents responsibility under the threat of them "doubting" their relationship with you.

I do feel for you because your position is tough, but wishing there was someone with a responsibility to help you doesn't make it so, or make it fair to push that expectation onto your partner (who could be helping you in other ways that are reasonable to expect). I wouldn't help (or stay with) partner who told me I must home school their child for them or they would be doubting their relationship with me. Resentment would grow.

I think there is a lot of wishful thinking going on from parents on this thread.

Ok, well I'm the Step Dad that's actively helped with my SDs homeschooling. It would never have occurred to me to do otherwise.

2 SDs (6 & 10) and a nearly-2yr old DD together.

I've sat for hours (and consequently had to work in the evenings) with SD10 who was being evaluated or ADHD prior to lockdown. She's resistant and it's torturous and her attention must constantly be gently but firmly brought back to the work. She's also Danish and it was her English homework I was helping with mostly (and my Danish isn't 100% fluent so it was an extra challenge!)

Because her teachers know she's challenging, I wrote a long message to them Thursday evening (after showing it to my partner for "actual parent's approval") and they've been lovely and helped with a revised home study plan.

The point is we're a household, and it has tasks, and those tasks have to be considerately and fairly shared out. I am there for the SDs 12 days out of 14. SD6 doesn't remember me ever not living there. Like fuck will they feel like this aspect of their lives is something unimportant to me. Especially once we agreed on having our own child - if you agree that your partner is going to carry your child for nine months, go through the trauma of birth, breastfeeding etc. I simply feel it would have been massive dick move to say that "all the hard stuff with the other two is totally still on you by the way."

For the record their dad has ADHD, OCD and very severe Dyslexia (all diagnosed) so they understandably don't get sent there every other weekend with any homework still needing to be done.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness, wouw you are a man so many women would die for!

As a SM, I did help my partner and my ex with their children. My ex lived in Latin America and with my bad Spanish and a dictionary, I was still helping his son and it helped us to bond.

My DP barely helped me when I was pregnant, not even to make some food for my son when I was feeling sick. He was doing renovations and feeling that he's doing a lot already. Obviously, men like this will not have a strong beautiful relationship like the poster above....He did change though and now, he makes more efforts with my son (when it's sort of too late, but it's better than never).

My son was 9.5 when my toddler was born and it seemed like he was more independant and needed me less than the baby, except that few months later, he started having suicidal thoughts and the psychologist told me that it was very important for him to have quality time with me, so I realise that despite being "big" compared to the baby, he still was a fragile child.

In light of this, I would say that it's much better for your son that your DP takes care of the toddler and the newborn and you spend one on one time with your son giving him the encouragement and the love he needs. Most probably, he would prefer that over being with your partner.

Also, I might be wrong, but is it possible that you took too much responsibility trying to finish everything at work, there's only so much you can do with 2 children and being heavily pregnant. You need time to rest before the baby comes! Maybe your partner is being resentful of that?

@NewLevelsofTiredness It's kind of you to choose do those things but I would still consider you partner unreasonable to expect you to and to apply the emotional manipulation of "doubting your relationship" if you weren't up for it.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@NewLevelsofTiredness It's kind of you to choose do those things but I would still consider you partner unreasonable to expect you to and to apply the emotional manipulation of "doubting your relationship" if you weren't up for it.[/quote]
To be fair if I'd not indicated that I was willing to be a good male role model to them early on our dating wouldn't have gone any further and I'd never have met the kids. The girls' dad left them with the impression that the woman in the relationship had the job of doing everything the man didn't want to (including interacting with his children.)

Regardless of what I'm "expected" to do or not, is it morally defensible to do anything less than a full-on role in the house and family, if it's the principle relationship that shapes the children's expectations and perceptions as they grow, and you are (like it or not) the principle male role-model they will learn this from?

I also don't want my SDs to see my DD as their 'half' sister. If I treat them as my 'half' daughters, what else should I expect?`

My partner was entirely upfront about her expectations before I got close to meeting them, and equally upfront that she'd prefer to go it alone otherwise. I had the option of walking away before it hurt anyone. I've never been manipulated by my partner because I've lived up to what I agreed to live up to. I think this is maybe the issue here - whilst we never discussed "expectations during a global pandemic that may strike in a few years" what I'm doing is in line with what my partner told me she expected when it was still easy for me say "screw this" and run.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

Agree with @aSofaNearYou - it's really lovely of you to do those things for your stepchildren, and to be honest I have no doubt that my DP would do similar to support me if I needed it (I'm currently 6 months pregnant with a 14 year old DD - she doesn't need "homeschooling" as such as she just cracks on with it, but if she did I'm sure DP would help as best he could). But the point is - if he was becoming frustrated with it or struggling to get her to focus, or had other things he needed to get done like his own work, there's no way in hell I'd place any expectation upon him that he must or should do it. She's my daughter - so I'd have to step up and deal with it accordingly. There's a huge difference between willingness and a desire to help with someone else's children, and an expectation that you should or must, IMO.

[quote LouJ85]@NewLevelsOfTiredness

Agree with @aSofaNearYou - it's really lovely of you to do those things for your stepchildren, and to be honest I have no doubt that my DP would do similar to support me if I needed it (I'm currently 6 months pregnant with a 14 year old DD - she doesn't need "homeschooling" as such as she just cracks on with it, but if she did I'm sure DP would help as best he could). But the point is - if he was becoming frustrated with it or struggling to get her to focus, or had other things he needed to get done like his own work, there's no way in hell I'd place any expectation upon him that he must or should do it. She's my daughter - so I'd have to step up and deal with it accordingly. There's a huge difference between willingness and a desire to help with someone else's children, and an expectation that you should or must, IMO. [/quote]
It's not that I don't see your point of view, it's just that I can't get my head round the fact that the very reason it's so hard for the OP right night is because she's going through nine months of bodily stress to carry HIS child, and will go through imminent bodily trauma to deliver HIS child, and have an exhausting few months of recovery and effort with HIS child, and his attitude is "not MY child" for this task.

If I didn't want to put the extra, above expectations, effort with my stepkids - whatever that entailed - then I sure as shit wouldn't expect her to suffer the state of physical debilitation that growing, delivering and nursing my own child would result in.

*It's not that I don't see your point of view, it's just that I can't get my head round the fact that the very reason it's so hard for the OP right night is because she's going through nine months of bodily stress to carry HIS child, and will go through imminent bodily trauma to deliver HIS child, and have an exhausting few months of recovery and effort with HIS child, and his attitude is "not MY child" for this task.

If I didn't want to put the extra, above expectations, effort with my stepkids - whatever that entailed - then I sure as shit wouldn't expect her to suffer the state of physical debilitation that growing, delivering and nursing my own child would result in.*

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

I can completely see your point and I think your approach is highly admirable, I do. I did have an issue with my DD a few months back (unrelated to home schooling), which was causing a lot of stress and at the time my DP said a similar thing to me - you're pregnant and struggling, let me try and deal with this for you. So I allowed him to, but with the result that the pair of them butted heads quite a lot and she attempted to undermine the situation with "you're not my dad, don't tell me what to do" type comments. So it got to a point where their relationship was in fact deteriorating because of the strain. So I stepped back in and said to him I'll deal with it, if you can take over x, y and z instead. So he did all the shopping, cooking, and most household stuff, while I concentrated on growing the baby, getting well, and sorting my DD out.

So it's entirely individual and what works well for one blended family won't work for another. Perhaps (as in the situation our family found ourselves in) in the OP's situation, the relationship between DSS and step dad may be at risk of becoming fractured if he continued in the home schooling capacity? So it might make more sense for him to pick up duties elsewhere to take that strain off the relationship?

You clearly have a good, strong relationship with your step kids, which is lovely. But it's not always the case.

@LouJ85

Didn't want to quote the whole lot, but it seems that both of us have good communication with our DPs and are able to work out what works best with our respective relationships. I like that your DP tried and have no doubt my partner would also step in if she felt my efforts were actually detrimental to mine and my SDs relationship.

I think it was the cold bluntness of the OP's DP's refusal that got my back up.

Oh, and I'm lucky that neither SD has pulled the 'you're not my dad' card yet - I'm sure it's coming but luckily my relationship with him is 'ok' enough that we'll make it work. He thinks I'm not harsh enough though.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

Yes I think you're right about communication being key.

I'm glad you haven't had any "you're not my Dad" comments yet - hopefully you won't. Am I right that your SDs aren't teens yet? My DP and DD had such a close, lovely relationship until she hit about 12 onwards (secondary school years and teen angst etc!!). I'm the first to admit that she can be a real handful at times (albeit lovely 80% of the time), and it has unfortunately meant their relationship and the dynamics have changed somewhat. I can only hope that one day they have the lovely closeness they used to again.

Nothing was corrected, lots of gaps in work completed, didn't do a manual spell check with 8yo (instead 8yo did electronic quiz got 4/10 but they didn't do any test/practice before)

Are you sure that you're supposed to be correcting the work and the teacher isn't expecting to see your dc work without adult help? I'm pointing this out because it will make your life much easier if you don't have to submit perfect work. Your child's teacher will know the standard that your son is capable of and submitting work that you've corrected is creating lots more unnecessary work for you.

I understand why your partner might be keen not to help.

1. You're mum so have more patience when keeping your son on track. The fact that your p used the expression "make him do work" suggests that your son isn't as easy as you think or behaves differently for him.
2. He's a stepparent so your son will be less forgiving of your partner if he is annoying. And if your son isn't keen on studying then he's going to be annoyed if stepdad has to nag him to do work. As stepparent it will be harder and take longer to make up than if you nagged yourself son to do work.
3. He may not be confident academically. He might not want you or your son knowing his times tables aren't up to scratch or his spelling is roped. Kids these days do a lot more SPAG and he may not give a toss about learning what a fronted adverbial is.

If the homeschooling is hard don't do it all. If actually contact the school and explain that your son's work submissions will be erratic for a few days as you're having a baby and nobody can teach him. Make everybody's life easier.

It's not his kid, he doesn't care. It's obvious.

@LouJ85

She's only 10 so the worst is absolutely still to come.

She has a naturally bright, shiny, glowing personality - the neighbours, her teacher etc. all absolutely adore her. But she's had some very 'preteen' tantrums that are popping up more and more. Her mum was a very early developer and started puberty when she was 10 so I'm already holding my breath a bit!

Why are you having more children with this prick? A partner is a partner, surely he can help out with the family which is what this is.
You will just have to let the standards slip I'm afraid, as women we try and do it all but it isn't possible. Something has to give.

Your partner is a thoughtfulness, lazy cock. Doesn’t matter if he’s related to any of the children, you live together, your a team. My H didn’t do any homeschooling in L1 but he did everything else. This time it’s different, we’re both key workers but if I was working and he wasn’t, he would be homeschooling or he knows where the door is.

I don't think it would hurt your husband to make a bit of an effort to help your son, Don'tknow, and thus help you. It seems a bit mean for him to refuse point blank. However there's not much you can do about it, I imagine he would be the same if your son was his; some people are just not up to it.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

You're a stepdad in a million. I've read your posts on MN and you treat your SDs as your own and are a great role model, even though their dad is still very much in their lives.

I remember you posting when your DP was pregnant and you have always been sensitive to the feelings of your SC.

If every step parent was like you, there wouldn't be so many unhappy stepchildren.

Your DP has found a rare gem in you.