DP refusing to help with homeschooling my son

[dontknowwhatto]

Last week was tough. 38/39 weeks pregnant, final week of work before mat leave, then coupled with homeschooling my 8yo (y4), c section booked this week. Work was crazy busy and I often worked late into evening (10pm/11pm). P was available all week (as on holidays) but only helped with our 2yo, point blank says no to homeschooling. I said it's my last week of work , I need help, etc. On Friday morning I was gone for 3 hours at hospital and asked 8yo and P to do homeschool, came back lunchtime and very little was done. Nothing was corrected, lots of gaps in work completed, didn't do a manual spell check with 8yo (instead 8yo did electronic quiz got 4/10 but they didn't do any test/practice before) Meaning my only afternoon 'off' would be filled with homeschool. I got very upset and ended up crying saying I'm feeling so unsupported, all week and now Friday too. He didn't care, ignored me so much so that the first words he spoke to me were I'm going to the shop do you want anything.

So Saturday I tried to raise it with P again, he said he has nothing to apologise about and I said next week I will have newborn, will he help with homeschool then? He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it. 8yo doesn't just sit there diligently and do work, 8yo needs encouragement and guidance. P then turned it around saying he has nothing more to say about and he told me that he would not help and that's it.

What do you think of all this ?

Ps I have no family support at all, no bubble here. I'm doing on my own (newborn, 2yo abs 8yo) and P is only here til end Jan as he works away for work.

If he isn't willing to help out with the homeschooling then you can give him the 2 yr old and newborn to look after whilst you do. Will he opt out like this when 'his' kids are older and don't do something as expected and dump it back to you?

@SpongebobNoPants

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time OP.

But I get the feeling there is a big backstory to this?
Be honest with yourself...
What is the relationship like between DP and your son?
Is your son respectful, kind and well behaved generally with your DP? Or is he rude, challenging, doesn’t listen to him etc?

If it’s the latter then I 100% support your partner in stepping away from trying to homeschool him. An 8 yr old shouldn’t be too hard to engage with an encourage to do their work so is there something more going on?

I wouldn’t homeschool my SCs and would probably avoid the topic like your DP has. Let’s get it into perspective... he hasn’t been mean to your child or said anything unkind to either you or him, but he clearly doesn’t want or feel comfortable taking on the responsibility for homeschooling him. And that’s ok because he’s your child, not his.

There will be a reason for this, you need to be honest with yourself and really think about how your son interacts with your DP.

Get your DP to take more responsibility for your 2yo. If you’re busy homeschooling and a newborn then your DP can be responsible for feeding and entertaining your joint toddler.

I think asking a stepparent to homeschool their SC is unreasonable to be honest. Unless they normally have a fantastic relationship and your child is easy to teach then I think it’s unfair to delegate that task to him.

Where is your son’s dad in all of this? Why isn’t he stepping up to help out?

This summarises what I was thinking really.

I’d never ask DH to homeschool DS2. I do it, and we work with/around the baby as needs be. I’d absolutely never agree to homeschool DSD. That’s her mother’s job (she’s a SAHM) or, if he’s agreed that the DSC will be here when they require homeschooling, it’s DH’s.

There’s no problem with asking your DP to look after his children so you can focus on homeschooling for a bit. But, equally, it does sound like you could step back and let your DS get on with the work his teacher sets with less intervention. It sounds like you are sitting with him and doing a lot.

If he’s being difficult about doing his work, then talking to his teacher is the best plan.

I think you've got a really difficult few months ahead of you but the soon P goes the better!

Don't put too much pressure on you're of re 8 year olds school work, do what you can but don't stress about it, you have too much in your plate.

Whilst P is away, I'd be figuring out how to keep him away. He sounds like an absolute bellend! If he won't support you during this time then you can't rely on him at all and you'd be better of without him.

Pressure on yourself*

I wouldn’t homeschool my step kids either, not my job!

Will he opt out like this when 'his' kids are older and don't do something as expected and dump it back to you?

Well if he did then that would be inappropriate in a way this simply isn't.

OP is currently full term in her pregnancy and asked her partner for help and some of you agree that he shouldn't as the 8 year old isn't his biological child??? Some weird relationships you must have!

OP as a step-mother, a step-child, aunt, family friend and previous volunteer with children I don't feel there is anything wrong in your partner's actions.

Your 8 year old isn't his child. This means if your son refuses to sit and listen to him then he cannot force the child to do his school work. In fact forcing your son to listen to him when he doesn't want to would be abusive.

I only get involved in children's education if the child listens to me, there as with my own child she doesn't have a choice.

Listen to SimonJT and sassbott as they have also lived it in different ways.

OP is currently full term in her pregnancy and asked her partner for help and some of you agree that he shouldn't as the 8 year old isn't his biological child??? Some weird relationships you must have!

He should help her in the many other ways it is possible to help a pregnant person, such as taking on more housework, care of their joint child, maybe even easy care of all the kids in the morning so she can sleep in etc. But he shouldn't be expected to homeschool her reluctant 8 year old. Nothing strange about it.

When you get involved in a relationship with someone who already has a child then they come as a package (especially when then the child is young). His attitude shows that he views and treats the children differently which is very sad. Imagine how the poor 8 year old is going to feel when old enough to understand (if they don't already) that they are not being treated the same as their siblings. Very strange in my opinion.

Maybe the issue that matters is not whether he is right or wrong. If 1000 strangers agree that he is wrong, nothing is effectively changed for you. If 1000 strangers say that he is right, again nothing is changed for you.

The real issue before you is how do you manage hoe schooling your eldest while managing your younger 2 kids? Some parents in my area have engaged a college kid to come and assist the kid /s.

Depending upon where you live that may be risky. What would you do if this happened while your partner was away working ? Your solution is to develop a plan that does not involve your partner at all. If the 2 of you do not manage things better, you could easily be in the situation of having to manage and make plans for the 3_kids all on your own.

It is unlikely that your partner's personality and behavior made such a dramatic shift overnight. Chances are you have worked around this type of behavior in the past.
If you are going to remain with him, you must do so with the recognition that planning for your son and maybe for all 3 of your children should not involve expectations of him. If he works away, that is probably your reality most of the time.

When you get involved in a relationship with someone who already has a child then they come as a package (especially when then the child is young). His attitude shows that he views and treats the children differently which is very sad. Imagine how the poor 8 year old is going to feel when old enough to understand (if they don't already) that they are not being treated the same as their siblings. Very strange in my opinion.

This comment sounds like it was written by a stereotype bot.

@Oxters
Treating children fairly does not mean treating them the same. OP 's partner should treat all of the children fairly it does not mean that he treats them the same. Children have unique personalities, different interests and different needs. These differences along with different relationships and different connections to the adults involved factor in how they should be treated. The common thread is that regardless of their uniqueness , they should all be treated fairly. Fairness and the same are 2 very different concepts.

@aSofaNearYou

When you get involved in a relationship with someone who already has a child then they come as a package (especially when then the child is young). His attitude shows that he views and treats the children differently which is very sad. Imagine how the poor 8 year old is going to feel when old enough to understand (if they don't already) that they are not being treated the same as their siblings. Very strange in my opinion.

This comment sounds like it was written by a stereotype bot.

😂👍🏼

I’m 38 weeks along and my DP has already volunteered to use his paternity leave to homeschool my DC so I can give breastfeeding a decent shot... If he refused to do so after I’d asked I’d feel pretty unsupported tbh. With the current homeschooling, I lead on it absolutely but if he hears us getting frustrated he often suggests he has a go to break any tension or offers to take them to the park for a bit.

How are you going to cope when he’s away with work again? This lockdown/school closure isn’t ending anytime soon.

What would you have done if he hadn’t been on leave last week?

Thanks for all the messages and it's been super helpful. Last lockdown I did it all 7yo homeschool (my son not his), me home working and 1yo with our feet as DP was away for work. It was not fun. This homeschool has been so much better, far more structured with school, DP here to look after 2yo (drop play group etc), well this for week and for the few weeks ahead.

My work load last week was tough, both my 8yo and I pitched up at kitchen table, me trying to nail finishing work. Last thing I want is to go in may leave and colleagues say I didn't do this/thst etc. Handing over

Posted too soon !
Handing over clients, etc.

I do fully take responsibility for my 8yo but it was obvious to my DP I needed help, I asked for help and for someone (not to give it (or even do so much as try) when they could see it and were capable if lightening my load had capacity to help but still didn't Id the part that I struggled with. I would help a friend, neighbour, anyone, let alone my partner if I could see they were struggling and needed it. Even more so at the end of their pregnancy.

8yo is well behaved and they have good relationships but just needs a lot of encouraging and guidance to get the work done, plus distracted by 2yo. 8yo dad will help out 2 days out of every 10 days ie tacked onto his weekend (court order)

I see that many of you (step parents) also agreed to point blank no to helping out with homeschool but maybe I'm different. It's a temporary help to make life easier. I think it's important to come together and step up when you can see you partner needs help and for once I'd specifically asked for it. To have him say no at this very point was a real sting and made me doubt him/our relationship

OP I am a step Mum and I would definitely have stepped up to help my partner if he was struggling in an equivalent non pregnancy way with a very bad week before surgery for instance. I can see why you're hurt.

If he's generally a supportive partner I'd suggest he's drained too and probably dreading the new baby given the recent stress and general misery of Covid era. I'd have another conversation about how you're both feeling.

I can see why he doesn't want to. I do t want todo it with my kids either. However, if I were your friendly neighbour I'd offer to help out by having your DS join my kids even for a few hours because you were really struggling. I think his lack of help in this particular situation is appalling. Never mind saying he won't do it when the baby is here after you've had a major operation.

He's putting something above your well-being and your health: his discomfort on holiday.

Honestly OP, fuck that. I'm really sorry that you're going through this now.

Please get in touch with the school and explain the situation. Even if he could there go a couple of days a week it would give him some co tiny it's and also get him out of a house with a stepfather who doesn't care about his upbringing.

I don't agree with blanket no to homeschooling. My DP is a step parent and we share the parenting tasks no matter what. (One exception being bath time but my DC are older and it's not as appropriate).

I absolutely understand the frustration, I do think whatever the 8 year old compliance due to you giving birth he needs to find a way to help and take the pressure off .

The only question I would wonder about (apologies I am purely considering my position ) is that I absolutely guarantee exdh would have run an absolute mile from homeschooling (and he is my DC biological father ) because he is dyslexic and massively struggles with any form of learning. In a big way.

His pride would have stopped him admitting it but it would have absolutely terrified him. Is it possible that this is a problem? It doesn't excuse it but might explain it.

I actually,to a point , understand . I feel for you because hell without a toddler or being pregnant I nearly reached the end of my rope last week with two DC and homeschooling. Dp wandered off to do some very non essential work (I mean it....he has 3 weeks to do a 20 minute job) and I blew .

He did apologise and thought I happily had it handled and was enjoying it (who in hell is cake walking this .... and I haven't used multiplication arrays for 25 years !!) And stepped up.

He needs to help significantly or I agree I would absolutely doubt things. But is it possible it's his own fears or insecurities ? (He still needs to figure out how to take the pressure off of you)

I see that many of you (step parents) also agreed to point blank no to helping out with homeschool but maybe I'm different. It's a temporary help to make life easier. I think it's important to come together and step up when you can see you partner needs help and for once I'd specifically asked for it. To have him say no at this very point was a real sting and made me doubt him/our relationship

With all due respect, you (and the others agreeing that it isn't fair for him to opt out of home schooling your son) are not step parents and are speaking from the point of view of the parent who wants help, so of course you think that. You have no idea what it's like to have a step child in the first place, let alone to be "expected" to do a variety of things that are the parents responsibility under the threat of them "doubting" their relationship with you.

I do feel for you because your position is tough, but wishing there was someone with a responsibility to help you doesn't make it so, or make it fair to push that expectation onto your partner (who could be helping you in other ways that are reasonable to expect). I wouldn't help (or stay with) partner who told me I must home school their child for them or they would be doubting their relationship with me. Resentment would grow.

I think there is a lot of wishful thinking going on from parents on this thread.

I agree with you @aSofaNearYou.

It’s easy to be naive unless you’ve actually tried to sit and get a reluctant stepchild to do anything. It is not a good way to build a positive relationship. In fact, it’s often a good way to destroy one.

I would have helped in a similar situation.

BUT it would have to be my way of helping - which might not be exactly the way you would home school!

If you ask DP to parent you have to let him parent in his way. Which might be a bit lax compared to how you would do it. At 8 it is not that crucial. In fact keeping the DC occupied whilst you finished your work would have been far more important.

The aims of home school at this time to to keep learning ticking over - so some reading, some writing, some maths. The worksheets and other resources are to provide help and guidance but aren't compulsory. And around the time of Mum giving birth is always a time when some leeway should be given. Its better if DP can build a good relationship with your son at this time, than force him to study.

My exDP’s children arrived at school unable to read a word. Also struggled with pencil control, forget being able to write the name. When the eldest started school, as a result, said child found school much harder to navigate and really struggled.

My children started school able to read, loved reading, knew their numbers, proper pencil grip, could write their name etc.

So My exDP asked me to help, given I had done it with my own children. So I got the relevant fun books / activities etc that I had engaged with with my lot. And then I attempted (gently and via play) to get his children to sit and read, or practice trying to write their names. Or play number games. Hit a brick wall.

You would have thought I was asking these kids to clean the toilet. They did not want to do it and I very clearly knew it was not my place to enforce this/ say ‘this is a non negotiable.’ I tried another time and got the same response and firmly told my exDP that it was his sole responsibility and not remotely my place to force his children into activities they did not want to participate in.

I can firmly (and do) tell my children to study, read, get their heads down and focus. I can also withdraw gaming privileges in a heartbeat (and have done). I can put in place blatant bribes for good school reports.

No one bar me and their father can do that.