Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

DP refusing to help with homeschooling my son

100 replies

dontknowwhatto · 10/01/2021 08:04

Last week was tough. 38/39 weeks pregnant, final week of work before mat leave, then coupled with homeschooling my 8yo (y4), c section booked this week. Work was crazy busy and I often worked late into evening (10pm/11pm). P was available all week (as on holidays) but only helped with our 2yo, point blank says no to homeschooling. I said it's my last week of work , I need help, etc. On Friday morning I was gone for 3 hours at hospital and asked 8yo and P to do homeschool, came back lunchtime and very little was done. Nothing was corrected, lots of gaps in work completed, didn't do a manual spell check with 8yo (instead 8yo did electronic quiz got 4/10 but they didn't do any test/practice before) Meaning my only afternoon 'off' would be filled with homeschool. I got very upset and ended up crying saying I'm feeling so unsupported, all week and now Friday too. He didn't care, ignored me so much so that the first words he spoke to me were I'm going to the shop do you want anything.

So Saturday I tried to raise it with P again, he said he has nothing to apologise about and I said next week I will have newborn, will he help with homeschool then? He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it. 8yo doesn't just sit there diligently and do work, 8yo needs encouragement and guidance. P then turned it around saying he has nothing more to say about and he told me that he would not help and that's it.

What do you think of all this ?

Ps I have no family support at all, no bubble here. I'm doing on my own (newborn, 2yo abs 8yo) and P is only here til end Jan as he works away for work.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
SpongebobNoPants · 10/01/2021 11:00

@MattWanksock with all due respect if you’re not a stepparent you have zero idea of the dynamics and challenges it brings.
It doesn’t sound like he’s mistreating the child in anyway, he is just saying no to homeschooling for reasons the OP hasn’t clarified.

Saying you would do things differently if you were a stepparent when you have no experience of being one is akin to those people who offer parenting advice but don’t yet have any kids.

The old saying goes “the most perfect parents are those without kids”... the same applies to stepparenting.

Unless you’ve lived it you have no idea where your boundaries or breaking off would lie.

SpongebobNoPants · 10/01/2021 11:00

breaking point*

PaigeMatthews · 10/01/2021 11:04

Op, your dh works away. What’s he like parenting the two year old?

Youseethethingis · 10/01/2021 11:07

It not his job to home school his DSS, but it is his job to support his heavily pregnant partner. The question is really whether he is doing enough of everything else to justify leaving her to struggle with the schooling part.
My DSD aged 8 was with us for mist of the first lockdown, I was on furlough having just come off maternity leave with DS1 and heavily pregnant with DS2. I helped with schooling while DH worked full time from home, although DH was the director of operations if you like. I just had to facilitate/supervise and help out if she got stuck.
It was not my responsibility, but I will always support my husband. Equally, he would never dream of puting the whole burden on me.
It’s about balance and respect for what the other person is doing for the family.
Is suspect OPs relationship may have deeper issues.

tisonlymeagain · 10/01/2021 11:12

I don't get involved with homeschooling my DSC (or any of the day to day parenting other than doing their washing really) so I wouldn't expect him to have to or vice versa. I would however expect support at this point in pregnancy.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/01/2021 11:16

I am not a step parent but if my partner was wiped out from working long hours, last week of pregnancy, first week of newborn etc I would like to think I would step up and be supportive and if that involved homeschooling a step child then I would, especially if I was on a week’s holiday. It’s not as if this step dad has to worry that he is going to be home schooling for weeks as he will soon be working away from home.

Graffitiqueen · 10/01/2021 11:20

He sounds pretty shit.

I really wouldn't get yourself stressed about homeschooling at the moment though. You have enough on your plate. Your DS is only 8, he will be fine.

mamas12 · 10/01/2021 11:21

Wow He is being spectacularly unhelpful to you so this is what I suggest
Let school Know that schooling will be interrupted for a while and don’t worry about it he is 8 he will not be missing anything that he can’t make up later
Get help! You will be on your own with three children and recovering from a major operation so it is NOT normal for anyone in your position to be on their own, if you can’t get any family then you need to employ someone- I mean this is serious, why would you contemplate trying to do that to yourself and your dcs
Be kind to yourself
Look after yourself
Think about it, and please take care

RoganJosh · 10/01/2021 11:23

Are you both on the same page about how much really needs to be done?
It’s not all compulsory if you just can’t get it done. Smile

I’ve only skimmed through, so apologies if that’s no help at all.

SpongebobNoPants · 10/01/2021 11:24

@ineedaholidaynow I would normally agree with you, but it was this part that makes me think he’s not being unreasonable...

He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it. 8yo doesn't just sit there diligently and do work, 8yo needs encouragement and guidance

Honestly, to me that reads as a loving mother excusing bad behaviour and an exasperated stepparent who has reached his limit and doesn’t want to lose his temper with his SC.
I think if that’s the case he’s right to step away.

OP do you allow your DP to discipline your child? What do you do if your DP comes to you and says your child has been disrespectful, naughty or hasn’t listened to to something your DP has asked him to do?

Looneytune253 · 10/01/2021 11:28

Is he your sons dad? If so tell him to pull his finger out.

If not he's still a twat but I suggest you give him full responsibility for the newborn and 2 year old next week while you manage the homeschooling. It's not ideal but maybe then he'll realise how thinly you're spread and he should take on full responsibility for his own children

popsydoodle4444 · 10/01/2021 11:35

I'm sorry to say but it sounds an awful lot like he has a "not my child,not my problem attitude".

NOTANUM · 10/01/2021 11:50

It would take a man with a heart of stone to watch their struggling, heavily pregnant partner struggle so much.
And it IS different when the child lives with the stepdad. This isn't a scenario when the child comes over twice a week for tea.
At the very least the 8 yo must see how differently he is treated by the OP's partner.

Llmmnn · 10/01/2021 11:54

I wouldn’t homeschool someone else’s child. Sorry.

Can your sons dad step up and do some?

funinthesun19 · 10/01/2021 11:59

And it IS different when the child lives with the stepdad. This isn't a scenario when the child comes over twice a week for tea.

This was my point up thread! The dynamics are so much different for a stepdad and a stepmum.
The stepdad is a man, so straight up it’s completely different because he can’t carry a baby and doesn’t have the emotions/pain afterwards. If this was a stepmum and she was being asked to homeschool her stepchild I would be dead against it 100%.

Even if he doesn’t do the actual homeschooling, he can help in other ways. The two year old is his child, so he can see to the 2 year old while the op gets comfortable on the sofa with her newborn and 8 year old and does whatever she can to help him.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2021 12:27

Completely agree with @SpongebobNoPants, sorry OP.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/01/2021 14:15

He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it
It sounds like the issue is not that he doesn't want to help but that your 8yo has issues with discipline. At 8, he should need supervising but not battling to get on with it.

How much does he discipline your 8yo at any other time?

LiJo2015 · 10/01/2021 14:29

Op - your partner sounds like a complete knob. Has he always been like this?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2021 14:32

Is this his son op? If not where is his father?

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2021 14:35

He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it

I’m sorry but I think this is fair. The issue seems to be your eight year old won’t do it. He is old enough to. He would be expected to in school That’s not your partners fault. Can you and his dad address how to deal with it instead of blaming your partner for not stepping in and doing it for you both?

itsgettingweird · 10/01/2021 14:36

So I'm assuming next week when you are post OP he will be doing all the care for newborn and toddler whilst your ds climbs onto your bed with you and you homeschool?

SpongebobNoPants · 10/01/2021 14:37

@dontdisturbmenow I wrote pretty much the same thing as you earlier. I get the impression that he’s struggling with her son’s behaviour.

My DS6 can be a handful at times and I know when to step in an ensure my DP doesn’t bear the brunt of it or have to deal with it. At the end of the day he’s my son and it’s my place to either discipline him or allow my DP to discipline him as he sees fit (if he’s comfortable doing so).

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2021 14:37

At 8, he should need supervising but not battling to get on with it

My 7 (8 in a few months) year old step son literally drags his feet between every letter of every word unless it's his name. I can't imagine much less appealing than home schooling him daily.

sassbott · 10/01/2021 14:49

From reading this I think the partner is not the 8 yr olds son. Sorry OP if have gotten it wrong.

I feel for you but sorry I don’t think your partner should in anyway be involved in homeschooling, unless he wants to/ the child is receptive (which it sounds like it’s not the case).

You’re creating an unnecessary friction between the two of them if you force this. I wouldn’t expect anyone (except me/ my DC’s father) to homeschool our children.

Lampzade · 10/01/2021 14:51

Agree with @SpongebobNoPants- I think that you have to be honest about your ds’s behaviour.
From your posts, it appears that your dp is reluctant to homeschool because your ds refuses to focus on his schoolwork.
If this is the case, you have to put the school work on hold for a few weeks while you focus on recovering from the birth

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.