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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Half siblings of child v own children

52 replies

traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:30

I daren't post this in AIBU but I want opinions on this please, my partner has a child with a previous girlfriend (never married) of 5 years (split 10 years ago) his DD is the youngest of four siblings who all have the same mum but three different dads, the other dads have never been involved, after they split my partner continued to treated her other children as his own. When we met 3 years ago he told me he had 4 kids, then quite soon afterwards told me that only the youngest is his but they all call him dad. All apart from the youngest they are adults now and still call him dad.
I have 4 children with my ex husband, I feel that by referring to these kids as his own he somewhat diminishes my experience of having given birth and brought up 4 kids of my own, when we're out he would tell people he has 4 kids and I might say and I have 4 kids too but I feel as if even though he's done a great thing by being there for his ex's kids they aren't his kids and it's not the same as me saying I have 4 children.

Please help me understand why I feel slighted by this, I'm probably being massively unreasonable hence posting here rather than AIBU

OP posts:
clpsmum · 07/01/2021 23:32

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Your DP sounds like one of life's good guys tbh

ineedaholidaynow · 07/01/2021 23:33

Did he officially adopt them?

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:34

He's a great guy in every way but I don't know why I feel slighted

No he didn't adopt any of them

OP posts:
PodgeBod · 07/01/2021 23:35

Sorry but you are wrong. He sees them as his children, he treats them as his children. As they are adults I can't imagine this has a huge impact on you. Hs sounds like a great guy, to be honest. Him stepping up for those kids doesn't diminish your own work in bringing up 4 kids.

Twintub · 07/01/2021 23:35

Sorry you don’t need to be a biological parent to be a dad and he clearly took the role seriously. Massive brownie points for him. Not sure why it bothers you is anything else amiss ?

BackforGood · 07/01/2021 23:36

I understand why you don't want to post in AIBU, as I think you would find that a lot of people think you are.

To me, the person or people who do the parenting are parents, even if they are not the biological parent. If they have grown into adults calling him Dad, I think you are acting very strangely to try to undermine that.

Probably not what you want to hear, but you have asked for opinions.

Swissypup · 07/01/2021 23:38

Eeek OP, you sound like you've got a well of resentment and a giant chip on your shoulder. He sounds ace. He didn't abandon children he loved because they are his. A man who would walk away from children who grew up calling him dad would be scum. There are 4 humans who when asked who they call Dad point in his direction. You don't get a badge on your sash for each kid you're biologically related to.

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:38

Nothing else is amiss, i had a feeling I was being unreasonable it might be to do with the fact I went through multiple rounds of ivf and years of heartache with infertility before I had my own children

OP posts:
Awrite · 07/01/2021 23:40

I have tried to understand where you are coming from but I really don't get it.

I wasn't a fan of you sounding judgemental over his ex having kids with different men but I really can't get your judgement of your boyfriend.

No man can give birth so it's not that.

I dare you to put this on AIBU.

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:41

I acknowledge it's something I'm uncomfortable with and I realise he's an amazing man for treating them all the same, I'm quite close to his youngest and the second youngest but I don't really know the other two, I don't think this helps me see them as all the same

OP posts:
Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:41

@Awrite I absolutely daren't

OP posts:
Twintub · 07/01/2021 23:42

Is your ex an attentive father to your 4 kids is it something to do with that. Hard to stop feeling something you feel and it sounds like
You had a tough time. I guess you need to try and move on from the feeling - not easy

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:43

@Twintub my ex is a great dad to our 4 and a lovely man, we have a good relationship and he gets on well with my boyfriend, it's just something I'm trying to understand

OP posts:
jamesfailedmarshmallows · 07/01/2021 23:44

In the nicest possible way OP not everything is about you. Him taking on the other three children has zero bearing on your hardships to conceive, pregnancy and struggles as a mother. Do you feel the same about couples who adopt?

Twintub · 07/01/2021 23:45

Well that’s great I was just trying to think of reasons :-) focus on the positives that you have a great new bloke and your ex is great bloke to and you have 4 great kids :-)

SleepingStandingUp · 07/01/2021 23:46

I don't know up but I'm not sure it reflects well on you.

If Mary got pregnant literally the first time she had sex each time she tried and had 4 how would you feel when she says she has 4? She didn't have to go through what you did, partner is hands on, etc. Do you judge her as not as good a parent as you?

What about a guy who has 4 and sees other one day eow? Is he a better parent than your DH because he sired them?

He sounds like a fantastic man who had a partner with kids (like you) who's father's had no input (like you) and he loved and treated them like his own. Now you might not want a daddy figure, they might be too old or hate him, but it's say it stands you in very good stead for him being a caring step father who values your children as part of you

IHateCoronavirus · 07/01/2021 23:46

Is it because you feel you feel you have put more time into your children and feel the semantics of “I’ve got four children” don’t reflect that? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Would him explaining each time that three are not biologically his help you feel any less irked by it?

He has obviously got a bond with these children. How wonderful it must have been for them growing up, knowing this man loved them unconditionally? He might feel as if he is betraying them by underplaying his bond with them. This doesn’t take away the time and the love you have given to your own children.

Nobody needs to recognise what we have done/what we feel for our children to make it any less/more valid. Try to let these feelings go so that they don’t cause resentment in your relationship.

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:46

@jamesfailedmarshmallows I have considered that it's the same love as adoptive parents feel for their children

I'm glad you've all dismissed my concerns as absurd, I will get over myself and hopefully come to know the older two as well as the younger two in future

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/01/2021 23:47

Sorry just saw your kids dad is involved, o assumed he wasn't as you'd said you'd had and roasted 4 kids alone.

So do you feel bad for your ExDp that he's a "proper" Dad and your partner is just a pretend one?

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 07/01/2021 23:48

It’s not a competition. I’d have a lot of respect for him doing this. There’s plenty of crap biological parents. I’m not really sure what else to say. You’re way of thinking is quite messed up, you’re not in some way superior for having biological children. I think you realise you are being unreasonable though so I guess you need to try to work out why you feel this way and if I was you, I’d try to change your thinking.

Original poster
traces456 · 07/01/2021 23:50

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze I will change my thinking, definitely, I really value all of your comments, it's really helped me see sense around this

OP posts:
feliciabirthgiver · 07/01/2021 23:51

Maybe thinking of it in terms of fertility treatment, so where there is a donor egg or sperm - does this make the non bio parent anymore or less mum or dad?
He is their dad because he was there and that's what they needed and sometimes love trumps biology (but you know that already through your own ivf experiences).

loopyapp · 07/01/2021 23:52

Going a little against the grain here.. Single parent of four kids. I also have a very supportive ex who's involvement with the children is beyong reproach.

However. I am raising 4 children alone 80% of the time. I have done all the nights (breastfed) all the potty training, toddler hell, school.. Then homeschool and everything in between.

My ex does A LOT. But ... Does it remotely hold a torch to what I do.. Absolutely not.

Does it bother me when he takes credit for being a parent of four .. No because the elements he brings to the children's lives are unique to him and I respect him enormously for it.

However this is someone you didn't watch nurturing these 4 children, 3 of which he didn't have to and so perhaps it's harder to acknowledge for you.

When its bothering you think to the fact that three adults that have no biological obligation still refer to him as their primary male parent. That should tell you all you need to know to get past this.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 07/01/2021 23:53

I will change my thinking, definitely, I really value all of your comments, it's really helped me see sense around this

That’s good. Is he a good partner too? If so, I think you have a good one. 😊

LadyMinerva · 07/01/2021 23:54

As you are aware YAB massively U. You are diminishing the role that adoptive, step and foster parents have in their children's lives.

As a pp said, a parent is the one that raises them, not the one that is biologically responsible for their being.

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