Half siblings of child v own children

[traces456]

I daren't post this in AIBU but I want opinions on this please, my partner has a child with a previous girlfriend (never married) of 5 years (split 10 years ago) his DD is the youngest of four siblings who all have the same mum but three different dads, the other dads have never been involved, after they split my partner continued to treated her other children as his own. When we met 3 years ago he told me he had 4 kids, then quite soon afterwards told me that only the youngest is his but they all call him dad. All apart from the youngest they are adults now and still call him dad.
I have 4 children with my ex husband, I feel that by referring to these kids as his own he somewhat diminishes my experience of having given birth and brought up 4 kids of my own, when we're out he would tell people he has 4 kids and I might say and I have 4 kids too but I feel as if even though he's done a great thing by being there for his ex's kids they aren't his kids and it's not the same as me saying I have 4 children.

Please help me understand why I feel slighted by this, I'm probably being massively unreasonable hence posting here rather than AIBU

@feliciabirthgiver yes I think you're touched on the chip someone else mentioned, it's probably to do with my experience of infertility and the years of pain I went through with that, I also decided as part of that not to donate eggs and not to adopt so I guess subconsciously it feels different in some way. Having said that I completely understand that parents of adoptive children and donor children feel the same way about their kids as I do

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze he's amazing in every way, I do admire him for his commitment to these kids, and the way he treats them the same as his biological child, I suppose I'm questioning whether I could have done the same, likely he's a better person when alls said

What I find particularly odd is your emphasis on the maths, his 4 not being equal to your 4. Would it have made a difference if his ex only had 1 other child in addition to their shared DD so he could only claim that he had 2 children and then your having 4 would make your parenting experience superior? Surely the fact that he is able to have such a great relationship with the now adults who are not his biological children is a good thing for him being / potentially being a stepdad to your children. Don’t you respect him more for not just abandoning his DD and her siblings as many men ( not all) tend to do.

@Itsonlymakebelieve I do respect him enormously and he's been there for them all for years and paid his ex maintenance for all of them not just his own son

@LadyMinerva you're absolutely right

I have 4 children with my ex husband, I feel that by referring to these kids as his own he somewhat diminishes my experience of having given birth and brought up 4 kids of my own,

That makes absolutely no sense at all. Imfact it's ridiculous.

My eldest isn't biologically mu dps child. He calls him dad. DP is the one that other him, feeds him, cares for him. DP always tells everyone that he is his child. Of we ever sit up I would be absolutely heartbroken if he stopped rendering to ds as his son.
Considering they are all adults, I just don't see why it would bother you. Infact I would have aot of respect for a man that took on 3 kids as his own.

he's amazing in every way, I do admire him for his commitment to these kids, and the way he treats them the same as his biological child, I suppose I'm questioning whether I could have done the same, likely he's a better person when alls said

Well, he sounds like a good person. And he’s chosen to be with you so I reckon you must be a good person too. Be kind to yourself, all sorts of things happen in our lives which shape the way we think about things. You’re open to changing your thinking on this so that’s the main thing.

Was going to reply more fully but see you have changed your thoughts on this. Your partner sounds like a gem.

I must say you have handled this thread with much grace OP so good on you.
Maybe just a final thought from me, are any of your 4 boys, and if so how would you want them to have dealt with this situation if they were in your DH's position?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion your partner sounds like a gem too

I think i might have been questioning whether he had the capacity to love my children in the same way, my XH said something to me recently about whether my boyfriend would step up and take some responsibility for our children if he moves in with us, I hadn't really considered it but my ex had a step father that did everything for him but his own father was somewhat pushed out by his mum's second husband (this was in the 60s) so I think he was concerned he would be usurped in some way

@feliciabirthgiver that's a very good point, I have three boys and I would be very proud if they behaved in a similar way

[quote traces456]@jamesfailedmarshmallows I have considered that it's the same love as adoptive parents feel for their children

I'm glad you've all dismissed my concerns as absurd, I will get over myself and hopefully come to know the older two as well as the younger two in future [/quote]
Hi OP, just on your last comment here have i interpreted it correctly in that you have not actually met your OH kids or have only met briefly for a couple of times? I can see you have taken feedback on board which is great i was just curious about this as you've been together 3 years. Apologies if i have misunderstood.

I think YABU but I kind of see where you’re coming from.

I am a single parent - as I’m never had the dad involved at all but I can secretly get jealous/annoyed when people call themselves single parents but the dad has the DCs on weekends.

How of were they when he came into their lives?
Would you feel the same if your ex said it? - do you think you did most of the share with your ex or something?
Or do you think actually yes he’s been there but from the stories you’ve heard he didn’t do much?

I would definitely try to get past it but obviously you need to try and figure out why you feel like this first.

I think i might have been questioning whether he had the capacity to love my children in the same way,

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here actually!

@TDMN I've met them all several times but the youngest two obviously more, in fact they both came to live with him full time about 18 months ago as his DD was removed by SS, the next youngest one followed about a month later and has since gone completely NC with the mum

The older two are mid to late twenties with lives of their own, they've mainly been used to their dad being single as he concentrated on them so think think they were a bit dubious of me to begin with as their mother has had a series of boyfriends move in over the years

@toocold54 maybe that's it, 8 children to live to live seems a bit excessive but perfectly possible

*love

I think it’s maybe just a lack of understanding. I think when you only have your own children and perhaps even step children but don’t feel the same way about them as your own. Maybe you just can’t comprehend how he can’t feel different as for you, it’s not that way.

That’s not to say you don’t like his children (your step children) but wouldn’t feel the same way about them as your own children.

Both me and DP have our own kids and none together. I think we both like our step kids but I wouldn’t say either of us feel the same way about them as our own. There is no awkwardness or bother and they all get treated the same, but the feelings are very different.

@Blendiful that's a really good way of looking at it, I love his youngest two, but we had a rocky start because they were obviously very troubled due to the circumstances of them being removed from their mum, things are very much calmer now nearly two years later, we have very similar parenting styles too which helps.
I really hope we can show them all what a normal loving relationship looks like because none of them have any experience of that really

You can’t help the feelings you have, it’s what you do with them that counts. I’m glad you’ve taken on board everyone’s points because yes, it’s a massively unreasonable opinion to have.

Your DP referring to himself as having 4 DC doesn’t minimise anything you have done, it exists in its own space in the universe without reference to you or your life experiences. If anything, if we were going to go down the road of worthiness one-upmanship one could even argue he’s actually done more to deserve the “parent of 4 children” title because his hard work was for 3 who aren’t even biologically his, whereas your hard work was driven by a basic instinct to nurture and protect your own offspring.

Luckily it’s not a competition so none of this actually matters beyond all 8 children feeling loved and cared for

Is there an element of counting the years here? I noticed you described how many years he was with the mother of his DD...so perhaps unconsciously you're comparing the fact you have been there for your kids since conception, he was a 5 year chapter in their lives (which then obviously extended part-time). There may be an element of thinking of your OH "well you haven't RAISED these kids, you were a component of a chapter of their lives". But as PP have said, the fact that these children choose to view him and treat him as their father speaks volumes. Life is inevitably messy and complicated, but you've found a man who clearly believes in honoring his commitments, who believes in consistency and who invests deeply in relationships. Sounds like excellent qualities. I'm sure he deeply admires the many years of hard work and sacrifice you've put into raising your children too. Don't undermine your new happiness with this man by competing over who has worked harder in bringing up their kids - the acquaintances you're telling you have 4 children to really don't care that much about your lives or the back stories. You probably don't get enough recognition for the efforts you've made in mothering your 4, but I don't think any mother ever does!! You know what you've done, be proud of yourself, and in time your grown up kids will find ways of showing you the appreciation you deserve.

You are being unreasonable. He sounds like a good guy.

Is it bothering you because you raised your kids, whereas his live with their mother perhaps?? Even if so, a parent is still a parent whether there FT or not. Be proud of him.

@partyatthepalace you've got it the wrong way round, I was with my ex for more than 20 years so I was never a single mum when they were small and even now they are teenagers he sees our children loads although they live with me full time, my boyfriend's kids are no contact with their mum and the youngest lives with him full time now, her choice backed up by SS

I've learnt a lot from this thread, thank you to everyone who commented

I feel that by referring to these kids as his own he somewhat diminishes my experience of having given birth and brought up 4 kids of my own

How exactly does it 'diminish' your experience - because you gave birth?
He's built a bond with those children, they've been lucky enough to come across a decent man who has made the effort - and wants to - stay in their lives because he genuinely loves them....and CAN.....and has been able to despite breaking up with their mum.

You're jealous - that's what jumps out at me.
You don't have an issue with his biological child.....

Why don't you just adopt his attitude and view them as he does - his children and a part of his life?

My partner had three kids when we met and that eldest wasn't his biologically but he was raised the same as the others, I'll be 100% honest in the beginning before we had our own child I was a little frustrated that he had accepted another child and treated him as his own which meant more of a drain on us financially /property wise / car choice etc and it was a weird thing I struggled with but really I can see all the good points of that now and he's a amazing dad and that's one of the things that made me start a family with him.

But I do understand the difficulty in dynamics when there is this situation