AIBU to think DH should stop referring to 'half brother'?

[GrownUpGrowingUp]

Our first joint DC is due very soon. My DSC are quite excited, regularly chat with us about their new sibling and seem genuinely interested and looking forward to it.

There's quite a large age gap which I think has helped, one DSC over 10 and the other about to be 10.

I just have a little niggle... Every time DH mentions it he always refers to the baby as 'half' so he'll say 'oh can you believe you'll have a half brother/sister soon' and so on...

AIBU to ask him to stop and just say 'brother or sister'.

I don't think it's necessary for us to specify the difference. The children understand they don't have exactly the same parents but I want us all to feel as included as possible. I understand the children may choose to call their sibling this, and that is up to them but so far they haven't and so I don't think DH should be?

What do you think?

Yes, I think it's weird that he's pointing this out

Should just be brother or sister

I agree with you. The baby is just their brother/sister. My DC have a sister through their dad and his wife and we just refer to her as sister.

@severussnaperus

Yes, I think it's weird that he's pointing this out

Should just be brother or sister

Thanks. I don't want to force anything with the kids, like if they themselves decide that's how they want to refer to their sibling then that's up to them. But I don't think we as parents should be encouraging them to see them any differently than just their sibling?

My two boys have a 12 year age gap and I've always referred to them as brothers. XH did too- the 'half' bit never even came up.

As far as they're concerned, they're brothers, full stop.

Could you ask your DH why he keeps emphasising the 'half', maybe?

Yes I agree

I think it's weird he's pointing it out. It's brother or sister and that's that.

I don't know why he keeps doing it! I don't even know if he realises. I'll mention it to him tonight and just say I don't think there is any need.

In fact I think it confused them more the first time he did it as they then proceeded to ask of that meant I was their half mum and so we had to explain the difference between half and step. They just refer to the baby by the name we have chosen when talking themselves.

My kids got upset if anyone referred to half, ballistic if people wrongly said step. All adults now and still just refer to brother/sister.

He's a prat

If he's distinguishing between them now, imagine what it's going to be like when the baby is here.

I just think it's important for everyone not to feel 'different' you know? For the DSC as well as our DC. It feels much more inclusionary of everyone involved to just get rid of the bloody 'half' label.

I already worry that they may feel left out (DSC) when our DC is spending all their time here. I don't want to add anything else onto that too.

I can't imagine calling my little sister my 'half-sister'. She's just my little sister, 20-year age gap and all. There's no need to make the distinction.

My dcs brother ( dads other son not mine ) we all just days they are brothers

@catinb00tz

He's a prat

If he's distinguishing between them now, imagine what it's going to be like when the baby is here.

See this is the thing I don't think it's done on purpose I think he's just genuinely not really thought about it. I will speak to him. I don't think he's doing it on purpose to divide or anything.

My kids have a brother and a sister. Never referred to as half. I will sometimes say if I'm talking to someone who doesn't know us and know that they aren't my children. But to them they are just siblings.

It’s weird he is saying half. Adding in the extra word for no reason, of course the step children are aware they only share one parent but it’s not like it’s needed to keep having it pointed out, like the half sibling is either special or bad.

I have 3 siblings and we only share a mum, as far as I’m concerned they are my brothers and sister, not half, not step, just my brothers and sister. We lived together in the same house though, I don’t know if it’s different for siblings that don’t live together.

I’d tell him to stop it whilst over dramatically raising my eyebrow so it’s nipped in the bud straight away.

My kids refer to their half sister as a half, DD9 won't have her called a sister, to her that implies they have the same mother which she doesn't like, if anyone asks she'll say she has one sister and that is DD11.

Could it be he does it because he wants to remind himself that the baby isn’t from his ex, iyswim? As in, they’re split and thank god you’re the mother of this baby....

He’s still wrong FWIW, but wondered if this could be it? Was his divorce particularly acrimonious?

I have a boy. My husband has a boy and we also have a third between us. So Steps and Half's all over the place.

They've never been anything other than 'brothers'. It would be really odd to use other words.

You should tell your DH gently that you'd like them all just to be brothers and sisters and ditch the half.

Also, if anyone so much as suggests they are my half brothers or sisters “because they are” I feel personally insulted and go mad, like someone is referring to them in a bad way so he may want to be careful for when they get older.

It's weird kids dont get it. I have an older DS and a younger DS different dads. The younger one once asked me to explain it so I did that they share half the same Gene's so essentially are half siblings but to us they are brothers it doesn't matter. Ah he said I get it so Dave' my older DS's dad, is my stepdad. Honestly I mean really.... kids just dont care. They are brothers.

@CelestiaLudenberg

My kids refer to their half sister as a half, DD9 won't have her called a sister, to her that implies they have the same mother which she doesn't like, if anyone asks she'll say she has one sister and that is DD11.

That's fine for your children. If it came from them then it's up to them. This is coming from DH though, I don't think we need to be encouraging anyone to be using 'half'

It's weird.
My mum has a half-sister and when I was a kid I was trying to work out family relationships (divorced g-parents) and said something like "So Aunty A is your half-sister?" and mum very firmly corrected me! (something like medically, yes, their fathers were not the same, but that Aunty A was as much her sister as aunty B and uncle C were her siblings)

I think a medical setting it can be relevant re: family history but otherwise it doesn't need to be brought up, especially to children.

I think people take it personally when you call out their siblings as half- like your saying they only half matter- or are only half as important.

My DH and MIL are like this. He keeps saying that they aren’t real brothers/sisters and that biology matters. It’s nonsense. I have told them it’s weird and divisive. And totally unnecessary.

He’s puckered it up from MIL who is adopted. By she insists on referring to the people who abandoned her (foundling situation, so actual abandonment was involved) as her real mum and dad. It’s insulting to her mum who is lovely and has been her mum since she was a baby. She didn’t even know who her supposedly ‘real’ family were until she was in her 40s.

The weirdest thing about all of it is that DH is insisting on saying half whenever I say brother. But, at the same time, he has a go at me for not thinking that the DSC are ‘my children’. It makes no sense, why does biology come first only when it suits him?

I’ll continue to just say brother/sister and ignore DH.

@AlternativePerspective

Could it be he does it because he wants to remind himself that the baby isn’t from his ex, iyswim? As in, they’re split and thank god you’re the mother of this baby....

He’s still wrong FWIW, but wondered if this could be it? Was his divorce particularly acrimonious?

There’s an aspect of that with my DH too. He said that he feels bad that his older kids are genetically half their mother.

I find it a bit exhausting. Any feeling he has about his ex are irrelevant to our child. Entirely.